Like I was saying, Hankster. Any time you want to say your first line, be my guest.
Again, nothing.
I glanced over at Frankie, who was standing in the wings. Heather was waiting. Luke Whitman and Nick McKelty stood in their elephant boy costumes, holding the door open for her. Ryan Shimozato and the guards had their swords drawn. The kindergarten kids wiggled and scratched their noses. One of them giggled and waved to her mum in the front row.
“Welcome to my palace,” Frankie mouthed.
That’s sounding familiar. I wonder why? Oh, right. It’s my first line.
I opened my mouth and out came the words.
“Welcome to my palace, Anna,” I finally said.
Yes! I was off and running. This wasn’t that hard.
“My dear Anna, you must have had a long and tiring journey.”
I was on a roll, acting up a complete storm. It was fun.
“I am honoured to be in the presence of Your Highness,” Heather answered. There they were, those words, coming out of her mouth just like they were in the script, just like we had rehearsed!
Hey, look at us. Now we’re both acting.
“The elephant boy will take your suitcase,” I said, really starting to enjoy the moment. “Oh, elephant boy, please show Miss Anna to her quarters, where she can freshen up before she meets the children.”
Heather turned to Nick McKelty and handed him her suitcase. He was supposed to take the suitcase and lead her offstage. But could that big brute ever do only what he was supposed to do?
“Let me give your suitcase to my assistant,” McKelty bellowed – which was definitely not a line in the script.
With that, McKelty grabbed the suitcase from Heather and tossed it to Luke Whitman, who wasn’t expecting it. It hit Luke in the stomach and knocked him over like a bowling pin.
The audience laughed, but Devore didn’t. I saw him standing in the wings. And if you ever wondered what a human being looks like just before his face explodes, leaving only his ears attached, that was Devore. He wagged his finger at McKelty, and although it was meant as a warning, I’m sure from the look on McKelty’s face he took it as Devore complimenting him on his acting.
I wasn’t sure what to do, but since Devore had always told us that the play must go on, on I went. I leapt off my throne and walked to the centre of the stage. I bowed goodbye to Anna, hoping that Heather would be able to improvise a goodbye and then leave with Luke Whitman. As you know, she’s not a great improviser.
I turned to face her and bent over to begin my bow. First I swept both my arms up into the air, and then I brought them down so that my hands rested on my hips. I had seen the actor in the movie do that, and it had looked pretty darn great. As I took my bow, I was willing to bet that a lot of the audience actually thought I came from Siam.
The next thing I knew, as I was completing my bow, McKelty shot out to the middle of the stage, next to me.
“Here, my king,” he bellowed. “Let me help you with that.”
Help me? With what?
Before I knew what was happening, he grabbed the end of the gold cord that was holding up my trousers and tugged it with all his might. I started to spin like a top. For the first time in my life, I knew how Cheerio felt when he chased his tail. When I stopped spinning, I was right across the stage. I noticed a cool breeze floating across my legs. I reached down and felt around for the gold cord. It wasn’t there.
I looked down and realized that my golden pantaloons had fallen down and were lying in a heap at my feet. The only thing between me and the audience were my polka-dotted Mets boxer shorts.
I was in shock. Devore was in shock. Mr Rock stopped playing. He was in shock. The only person whose face I could pick out in the audience was Ms Adolf. And believe me, she was totally in shock. She put her programme on her head like a hat, covering her eyes with the pages.
I looked over at Frankie, who was standing in the wings. For maybe the first time ever in his life, he had no idea what to do. I looked to Ashley, who was standing by the curtain, hoping that she would have the sense to lower it and end this horrible embarrassment. But she must have been in shock too, because she just stood there and started twirling her ponytail nervously. All the kindergarten kids cracked up, even my pal Mason.
There I was, standing with my golden pantaloons around my ankles. Should I step out of them and run away? Or should I bend over to pull them up? Bending over didn’t seem like a good choice. So I just stood there. Suddenly, somebody’s little brother in the front row screamed as loud as he could, “Look, Mummy. He’s got the same underpants as me!”
The audience roared with laughter. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see that Devore had dropped to his knees. He was holding his cape over his eyes. I think he was crying. No, sobbing. Nick McKelty was laughing his head off. The golden cord that had once held up my trousers was in his chubby, grubby hand.
As for me, all I could do was wave.
Why I didn’t just hop off the stage and run all the way to California without stopping will always be one of the great mysteries of my life. All I can tell you is that no thoughts occurred to me. Not one little tiny one.
I promise you that in a million trillion years, you will never guess what happened next.
Stiff Heather Payne, the same girl who could not say a line that wasn’t written and memorized, the non-improviser of all non-improvisers, stepped into the spotlight and took total command of the situation.
It was as if Anna had suddenly come alive in her. Her muse had arrived! Heather twirled herself in her blue hoop skirt over to Luke Whitman and grabbed the suitcase from his hands. Then she twirled over to me. With a huge flourish, she threw open the suitcase lid and reached inside, producing a blue shawl that matched her dress.
She wrapped the shawl around my waist like a magic trick, then wound it around me so it looked like one of those long skirts that an ancient King of Siam might actually wear.
“Your Highness, I didn’t want you to catch a cold,” she said as she was twirling and wrapping, wrapping and twirling. “So I brought you this garment from my land – Eng … land.”
Wow. Was this Heather Payne? It looked like her. It was as tall as her. But it sure didn’t sound like her.
“And you, elephant boy,” she said, turning to Nick McKelty. “Return to the stables and tend to the animals. One of the elephants has a runny trunk and needs to have it wiped immediately.”
Even a big mouth like McKelty’s couldn’t come up with an answer for that! Heather Payne was improvising her brains out. There was no doubt about it. All McKelty could do was slink off the stage.
With McKelty gone and my bottom safely wrapped up in a shawl, I was on the way back from Embarrassmentville. The audience had even stopped laughing. That was the good news. The bad news was that I had no idea what to do next. Everyone was waiting.
I opened my mouth and just prayed something good would come out. Devore had said that my muse would take over. This couldn’t have been a better time for it to show up.
“Anna, I feel so kingly wearing this elegant gift from you,” I said with a flourish. “In fact, I feel like dancing, if you know what I mean.”
“Yes, Your Highness, I know exactly what you mean,” she said with a big smile.
I turned to Mr Rock and said, “Palace musicians, I command you to play.”
Mr Rock picked up my cue and launched into the introduction to the dance number that Heather and I had rehearsed for two weeks.
“Anna,” I said, with a low bow. “Shall we dance?”
“My pleasure, Your Highness.”
I put one hand around her waist, and just to make sure that my Mets boxer shorts were not going to make a repeat appearance, kept my other hand tightly clutched to the shawl wrapped around me.
Heather and I took off, twirling around the stage. Let me tell you, our rehearsals really paid off. We didn’t miss a step. We were in perfect harmony. And before we knew it, the audience was cl
apping in time to the music and cheering as we danced around the stage.
On our final turn, I caught Ashley’s eye and gave her the nod. She knew what I meant because she lowered the curtain as we spun around the stage for our final turn. Through the curtain, we could hear the audience cheering and stomping their feet.
I looked over at Devore. He had stopped crying. In fact, he was laughing.
So was Heather.
And so was I!
TEN FANTABULOUS COMPLIMENTS I GOT FOR PLAYING THE KING
1. Heather Payne said I taught her how to improvise and I was the best peer tutee a person could ever have.
2. With a compliment like that, who needs the other nine?
An interview with Henry Winkler
What’s your favourite thing about Hank Zipzer?
My favourite thing about Hank Zipzer is that he is resourceful. Just because he can’t figure something out doesn’t mean that he won’t find a way. I love his sense of humour. Even though Lin and I write the books together, when we meet in the morning to work we never know where the characters or the story will take us. Hank and his friends make us laugh all the time.
Hank likes to write lists. Are you a list person, too? (If so, what sorts of lists do you make?)
Hank likes to write lists, and so do I. My whole life is organized on scraps of paper in a pile on my desk by my phone. If I didn’t make lists, I would get nothing done, because I would forget the important things that I had to do. And then, I’m constantly rewriting those lists and adding to them. So yes, I’m a list maker.
Who was your favourite teacher?
Believe it or not, Mr Rock, the music teacher at my high school, McBurney’s School for Boys, was my favourite teacher. He seemed to understand that learning was difficult for me. He understood that just because I had trouble with almost every subject, it did not mean I was stupid.
Where did you grow up?
I grew up on the West side of New York City in the same building Hank lives in. The neighbourhood, the stores, the park, the school and even Ms Adolf are all taken from my life. I took the Broadway bus number 104 to school every day.
What was it like growing up with dyslexia?
When I was growing up in New York City, no one knew what dyslexia was. I was called stupid and lazy, and I was told that I was not living up to my potential. It was, without a doubt, painful. I spent most of my time covering up the fact that reading, writing, spelling, maths, science – actually, every subject but lunch – was really, really difficult for me. If I went to the shop and paid the bill with paper money and I was given coins back for change, I had no idea how to count up the change in my head. I just trusted that everyone was being honest.
What’s it like working as a team to write the World’s Greatest Underachiever books?
We have the most wonderful time working together. Lin sits at the computer, and I walk in a circle in front of her desk. If I start talking like the characters, Lin kindly types it in because I don’t use a computer. Or, she’ll tell me to stop for a minute because she’s got a great idea and her fingers fly across the keyboard. Sometimes, I’ll write my chapters in long hand and Lin will transcribe them and correct my spelling. When the book is done, we both go over it to see if we’ve left anything out, or perhaps we’ll find a better joke for one of the characters or better action in a scene. When it’s completely done, we send it to our editor, and she sends back her notes that we then incorporate.
Did you always want to be an author?
Until the day that I met Lin Oliver for lunch in 2002, I never thought about being an author for one minute in my whole life.
How long does it take you to write a book?
It usually takes about two months to write the first draft of a book. Lin and I meet in her office and create the outline for the story of the book and then, two months later, we have a 153-page adventure about Hank Zipzer.
Which of your books do you like the best?
I cannot pick one book that I like the best. Each one of them is like my own child. Each one of them has some great detail that makes me laugh every time I think about it.
Five Things You Didn’t Know About Me
by Lin Oliver
1. If I ran the world, everyone would go to sleep at 3 a.m. and get up at 11 a.m.
2. Peppermints make me sneeze.
3. I love to sing and I am always off key.
4. I cannot sleep if my feet are covered.
5. I can hold my breath for 34 seconds.
Five Things You Didn’t Know About Me
by Henry Winkler
1. My favourite food is pizza – the cheesier the better!
2. I have never outgrown my love of birthday presents.
3. I love colourful socks.
4. Green is my favourite colour – as a matter of fact, my wallet is green. For me, green is the colour of life.
5. Autumn is the best season of the year. When the leaves change colour, it just overwhelms me with joy.
Love the TV series?
Read the books!
Hank Zipzer, the World’s Greatest Underachiever series:
The Curtain Went Up, My Trousers Fell Down
Who Ordered This Baby? Definitely Not Me!
The Life of Me (Enter at Your Own Risk)
A Tale of Two Tails
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the product of the authors’ imagination or, if real, are used fictitiously. All statements, activities, stunts, descriptions, information and material of any kind contained herein are included for entertainment purposes only and should not be relied on for accuracy or replicated as they may result in injury.
First published in Great Britain as
Hank Zipzer the World’s Greatest Underachiever: The Curtain Went Up, My Trousers Fell Down (2010) by Walker Books Ltd 87 Vauxhall Walk, London SE11 5HJ
First published in the United States as Hank Zipzer #11: The Curtain Went Up, My Pants Fell Down (2007) by Henry Winkler and Lin Oliver. Published by arrangement with Grosset & Dunlap™, a division of Penguin Young Readers Group, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc. All rights reserved.
This edition published 2014
Text © 2007 Henry Winkler and Lin Oliver Productions, Inc
Interior illustrations © 2007 Grosset & Dunlap
Cover design by Walker Books Ltd
The right of Henry Winkler and Lin Oliver to be identified as authors of this work has been asserted by them in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, transmitted, or stored in an information retrieval system in any form or by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, taping and recording, without prior written permission from the publisher.
British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data: a catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
ISBN 978-1-4063-5498-0 (ePub)
www.walker.co.uk
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