Kate gave a silent nod.
Marion frowned and stopped talking, turning back to gaze at Tyler. The woman was wearing jeans, a black tank top, and trainers on her feet. She looked fit and strong, sexy, and certainly not disabled in any way.
“I thought you told me she had lost a leg,” Marion said.
Kate exhaled sharply.
“She did. She has a limp. You can see it if you look hard enough, although she is very good with that prosthetic she’s wearing now.”
She stared at Tyler, emotion making her heart grow tight. God, she looks stunning, she thought. She had lost some weight but not a lot of muscle. Her hair had grown lighter in the Provence sunshine. She looked tanned and healthy, and just every bit as handsome as she had when they were in Afghanistan. It was hard for Kate not to react to her physically.
She had a sudden flashback of the last time she had seen Tyler, barely conscious, covered in dirt, and bleeding to death in a cold Afghan field. She felt her knees weaken at the memories, and emotions threatened to overwhelm her once more.
“I’m sorry mate,” Marion murmured, sounding as if this was somehow her fault, and not really sure how to handle the situation. “I guess this is not really how you expected to bump into her again, right?”
“No. Not at all,” Kate snapped.
Her friend just stared at her in silence.
"What are you going to do now?" she asked after a few seconds.
Kate looked at her and took a deep breath. She knew how much Marion had been looking forward to this trip, how much she wanted to learn to dive, and how much she had been looking forward to going away with her. Tyler had made her choice. It had nothing to do with her, and certainly nothing to do with Marion.
“Don’t worry," she said. "I am going to get this sorted, and you and I are going to have a fantastic holiday.”
“We could cancel, Kate…”
“Absolutely not.”
Kate spotted Tyler carrying a couple of dive cylinders inside the boat, and she seized her opportunity.
“Give me five minutes, all right? I‘m going to get this squared away.”
“Are you going to kiss her or punch her?” Marion said softly.
“Neither,” Kate muttered.
She found Tyler below deck in the equipment room, leaning against the wall staring into space. She had obviously sought refuge in there to get over the shock of their earlier encounter, and she jumped when she spotted Kate.
She stood silently, not sure what she was supposed to say and more or less waiting for Kate to initiate the conversation. She looked a little bit nervous, and her skin was glowing from the effort of carrying the cylinders. Kate found just the sight of her took her breath away, and this was not how she wanted to be feeling, right this very minute.
“Hello Tyler,” she said lightly.
“Hey doc,” Tyler replied in the same tone.
She bit her lip, realising that the friendly nickname might not be welcome now. She could not resist looking at Kate, and Kate felt her pulse quicken when she noticed Tyler's gaze travel slowly over her body. The familiar grey eyes were like a caress over her naked shoulders, and lingered over her breasts for an instant. Kate swallowed hard. Then Tyler blinked a couple of times and her gaze fell on the thick red scar still visible on Kate’s arm.
She frowned and took an impulsive step forward.
“How is your arm?” she asked intently.
Kate glanced at it, as if remembering it for the first time. She shrugged. As if you care, she wanted to say. But she suspected that Tyler did. That was the problem. She knew the woman cared. And yet she had abandoned her without a single word of explanation. Kate was hurting.
“Arm’s all mended," she acknowledged. Then, in spite of herself, she added: "You did a good job with the stitches."
Tyler nodded and her eyes cleared a little.
“Good, I'm glad to hear it.”
“How is your leg?”
“It’s uh… fine. It’s fine,” Tyler stammered.
Her expression was one of total powerlessness.
Right now Kate was her only link to Cobel. She had buried every other one. She had wanted to forget everything about it so badly, and yet seeing the medic brought it all back, and all she wanted to do right now was remember.
Talk about it, go over it, try to make sense of it.
She took a hard breath and stepped forward a little more. Her eyes sparkled. To hell with being reserved and polite as if we do not know each other, those eyes seemed to say. To hell with barriers.
Kate watched her coming a little closer, as if in a trance, thinking she should move, or at least say something.
“Tyler...” she whispered.
Brought back to reality by some noise outside the door, Tyler stopped only inches from Kate, breathing hard.
“Hey buddy, you in there? Cathy wants to know if you’re ready to go...”
Kate turned her head, immensely annoyed at being disturbed. The other woman instructor, whose name she could not remember and did not care to know appeared at the door, and stopped dead in her tracks when she saw Kate and Tyler standing so close to each other.
Ashley raised an eyebrow, not really sure from their expression what the two women had been doing. Neither of them looked happy.
"Hmm... You okay ladies?" she asked.
But her eyes were on Tyler only.
Concerned, searching.
“Yes, I’ll be right with you Ash,” Tyler said quickly, sounding tense.
Ashley narrowed her eyes at her, and threw a questioning, slightly suspicious look toward Kate.
“Right. Okay then,” she said somehow unhappily, and left.
Kate felt herself grow angry and she could not help herself.
“Is that your girlfriend?” she said sharply.
“No. Of course not. This is my friend Ash. She's..."
“Yeah, right. Whatever,” Kate interrupted. "It's none of my business anyway."
Tyler's eyes clouded over.
Their moment was gone.
"That's right, it isn't," she said in a low voice, and the rebuke brought fresh tears to Kate's eyes.
She brushed them off angrily.
"So here's the thing," she snapped. "My friend Marion, she’s the one who used to send me shampoo and stuff at Cobel. You remember?"
Tyler was hurt that Kate even thought she had to ask. As if she could forget anything about Cobel. It haunted her, night and day, and there was nothing she could do about it. The sleepless nights, the constant nightmares, the panic attacks which had become more frequent after she had lost her leg.
She started to get angry.
“Yeah, I remember,” she said darkly.
Kate stared hard at her.
“Well. Marion’s been looking forward to this trip with me for a long time now, and there is absolutely no way I am going to cancel it.”
“No reason why you should, Kate. Listen, you look upset, can we just..."
"I'm not upset, Tyler,” Kate exclaimed.
She exhaled sharply, shook her head and was silent. She was handling this extremely badly, she knew it, but right this second she did not want to be in the same room with Tyler. She had thought she would want to, but this was just too hard.
Tyler took a long look at her, and her expression grew sad. Talking to Kate right now felt like talking to a brick wall. Whatever connection they had once had, it appeared to have been severed for good.
She took a deliberate step back, and dropped the shutters down on her heart. She was good at that. She switched off her emotions, disconnected her feelings, and almost separated from her own self. She did it just the way she used to do when she was a marine shooting at the enemy, when she was killing people she could not afford to care about. When she spoke again she was as cold as ice and feeling absolutely nothing.
“I can get you reassigned to another instructor,” she said quietly.
“That would be great.”
Tyle
r simply shrugged.
“Okay, I’ll do that.”
“Thank you.”
And then Kate walked away quickly, leaving her alone in the middle of the room.
Chapter Fourteen
True to her word, all of Kate’s energies over the following days were focused on making sure that Marion had a good time. Tyler had obviously put in a quiet request with DeMatteo, and the pair were reassigned to a different instructor, without any fuss being made.
Unusually, Tyler was absent from most of the theory sessions, and it was obvious that she was doing her best to stay in the background and give Kate and her friend the space that Kate has requested. She hated doing it, keeping that distance between them, but she did it anyway because she realised that it was what Kate wanted. She tried to convince herself that it was better that way anyway.
“I’ve only got myself to blame for this,” she admitted to Ashley one evening.
They were on her boat, her new home where she had no reminders of her previous life in the Marines, and the people she had known back then.
Ashley remembered when her friend had bought it, it had been just an ugly empty shell, the decks bare and the walls just dull grey metal. During her first few weeks in France Tyler had worked on it relentlessly, almost day and night, to transform it into a magnificent home. The work had been good for her body, and good for her soul.
Now the catamaran boasted new wooden decks throughout, and one entire side of the cabin was made of glass, overlooking the open sea and Marseille and the Chateau d’If in the distance.
It was very private as well, which appealed to Tyler. She had managed to bag herself the only mooring in the entire harbour where she was not overlooked, and no one was able to snoop. The boat also had a reasonably sized galley kitchen, and a large bedroom with ensuite farther down below. Green plants were everywhere, and other than that the decor was clean and minimalist. Ashley absolutely loved it, and often after a diving session she would come on board and cook with Tyler.
“What do you mean you’ve only got yourself to blame?” she asked, looking at her now as she slammed a bunch of vegetables on the counter.
“I left Staunton in a big rush, and I made damn sure she couldn’t find me.”
Ashley gave a small shrug.
“Yeah, you did a runner. Then again, probably what you needed to do at the time, right, buddy?"
She remembered how unstable Tyler had been during her final days at Staunton, and even during the first few weeks in France. She had settled a little now, but Ashley knew it would not take much to drag her down the path of depression.
Tyler simply shrugged, her back to her friend, staring unseeingly out of the window at the glittering blue sea in front of her. Ashley spotted the tension in her shoulders. Tyler was holding onto the knife so tightly her knuckles had turned white.
Ashley gave a soft sigh and tried again.
"Kate is here now Ty," she reminded her gently.
“It doesn‘t matter.”
“Of course it does.”
“No. I fucked up, end of story.”
“Okay, I get that's what you believe. But this is a second chance for you, isn’t it? Take it.”
Tyler shook her head.
“No. It's too late,” she repeated, looking pale as she did.
Ashley observed her as she moved around the kitchen. She was well aware of her friend’s history, and she felt immense sympathy for her. At the same time, she knew that sympathy would not do much for Tyler right now.
“Hey captain.”
“Don‘t call me that.”
“Why not?”
Tyler went still, and finally met Ashley’s eyes.
“You know why,” she said tightly.
“Why? Cos you quit the Marines?”
Tyler slammed her knife down on the counter, so hard it sent pain shooting up her arm and into her shoulder.
“I didn’t quit,” she exclaimed.
Her voice was unsteady.
Ashley eyed her calmly, and gave a slow shake of the head.
“You didn’t quit; but you didn’t fight for it either.”
“What do you mean? What the fuck am I supposed to do with only one leg? Join the Navy Seals!?”
Tyler was livid. She looked around the room for something else to slam and found nothing. For a second she looked as if she would go for Ashley. But then she grew still and she pursed her lips as tears burned the back of her eyes.
“Ash, I didn’t quit,” she repeated.
It made Ashley feel sad to see the beaten look in Tyler’s eyes.
“I’m sorry.”
She walked up to her quickly and wrapped her arms around her. But Tyler felt as unyielding as a block of granite, and she did not return the hug.
“I know you didn‘t. But coming to bury yourself down here with me is just as good as,” Ashley said carefully.
She pulled back a little until she could look her in the eye. Tyler looked angry now. Anybody with any sense would have backed down from the argument. But it would take more than this to make Ashley go quiet.
“Oh come on,” she argued. “There you are, being given a second chance with the woman you love, and what do you do? Hide.”
“I am not in love with her.”
“Of course you are,” Ashley exclaimed, her eyes wide.
"No. I am not. And I don't need anyone," Tyler said angrily, eyes flashing. "And that..."
She stopped herself before she could say the unthinkable. She had nearly blurted out that goes for you, too. Sensing where this was all going, Ashley headed for the door, looking back only once.
“Stop running, Tyler,” she said flatly. “Can't you see it's not too late? Do something about it before she leaves, or you will regret it for the rest of your life.”
Tyler did not sleep well, nightmares and pain in her leg keeping her awake most of the night. She finally gave up trying as it neared four o'clock and got up. She felt like punching something. Three times now she had had to replace the door to her bedroom cupboard because she had punched a hole through it. Before she could give in to that again, she quickly put on a pair of shorts and a T-shirt, grabbed her running leg, and hit the road.
She needed some time alone to think.
As she ran through the still dark and empty streets of the village, headed for the hills, she mentally went through the past few months in her head.
When Ashley had come to find her at Staunton she had explained that she was starting a diving school in France with DeMatteo. She had offered Tyler a part in the business, and Tyler had accepted immediately.
She had done it because it represented a fresh start for her, and the opportunity to leave the Marines behind for good.
At least that was the official story.
She was desperate for a simple life in France. Diving for a living, taking people out sea kayaking, running in the hills above Sausset. She owned a third of the school and she loved living on the boat. She did not want a relationship. She did not want to get involved.
The truth was that she had known if she gave Kate a way to get in touch with her, that Kate would want more. And Tyler did not know how to do this. She was convinced that if she allowed herself to fall for Kate even more than she already had, and something happened, that she would not be able to pull it back together this time. So disappearing over to France with Ashley had been her escape route, as well as the easy way out. She had run.
And now it looked as if it had all been for nothing, because not only was Kate back in her life, sort of, but now she had lost her friendship as well.
Tyler gritted her teeth as she thought about this particular fact, feeling her stomach churn as she attacked the final part of the hill.
She did not stop as she got to the top, and started on the descent immediately, breathing deep and concentrating on not losing her balance. It was harder running off road with her specially designed leg, but she had done this run many times before, and she was back down in th
e village in under twenty minutes.
As she ran steadily toward the beach, she glanced in the direction of the hotel where Kate and Marion were staying. She remembered their time at Cobel and how beautiful Kate always looked first thing in the morning.
How funny she was. How tender, and caring.
Conditions at Cobel had been rough, and Tyler remembered it as one of the worst periods of her military career, for obvious reasons. But somehow, thanks of Kate, she also had some of the best memories of her entire life.
She slowed down as she reached the beach, drenched in sweat, her leg throbbing, but feeling a lot calmer than before. Her run had restored some kind of hope.
Tyler was glad to see that it was still too early for most people and that she had the place to herself. There was a swimmer out though, quite far, and this was unusual. Tyler watched her for a moment, pretty sure that it was Marion.
She had heard Kate mention her friend’s early morning swims, and Tyler had almost cut in to say that swimming alone was not the best idea in the world, especially with the hidden currents around the harbour. But she knew that her comments were likely to be ignored, so she had kept quiet.
Now as she watched Marion's uneven and laboured stroke she wished she had spoken out when she had the chance. She noticed how the woman seemed to be slowing down as she neared the harbour. She looked anything but comfortable out there. Tyler saw her look toward the beach a couple of times, then start swimming again. She seemed to be struggling more and more.
Tyler glanced around and confirmed that they were indeed the only two people out.
“Shit,” she muttered under her breath.
She grabbed her mobile and dialled Ashley’s number. Just as her friend came on the line, Tyler clearly saw Marion go under.
“I’m at the beach. Marion's in trouble, come quick,” she said immediately.
She did not wait for an answer. She dropped her phone, ran into the water, and when she was far enough away she got rid of her prosthetic and threw it back, not looking where it landed.
She was an excellent swimmer, and the leg would only slow her down. She trusted herself to get to Marion in time to help. She went for it and she went hard. When she reached the point where she had seen her go under, she dipped her head under water, searching for her. Seeing nothing, she turned around and just caught sight of her surfacing a little way away.
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