“The day after I got back from Iraq I went for a run in the morning. When I got home I found that she had used her key to let herself into my place. She was drunk, and crying. She was sat on the kitchen floor holding my weapon in her hand. I never got round to changing the lock on my safe, and she still knew the combination…”
“Oh, Ty…”
“I tried to reason with her, but she could barely speak, and she certainly didn't want to listen. I think she must have been drinking for a while and she was in a bad state. I wish I'd managed to find the right words, to make her hear me..."
Tyler blew air out loudly. She seemed to get swallowed up inside the memory for a while. Kate had seen that look before. She recognised it from Cobel, when sometimes Tyler would get lost in thought for no obvious reason.
Now she knew what it meant. She kissed her softly on the lips.
"It's okay, darling," she said gently.
"She said it was all my fault, and that she hated me. I thought for a moment that she would try to shoot me.”
Kate tensed.
“Did she threaten you?”
“Only when I tried to take the gun away from her. But then...”
Tyler did not finish her sentence but she did not have to.
Kate winced as she pictured the scene in her mind. She could not read the expression on Tyler’s face, but she knew how she felt after hearing her story, and she could not get her head around how Tyler would have felt at the time.
She gently ran her fingers through her hair.
“I am so sorry, Ty,” she said gently. "You know I am here for you, right?"
“I know.“
“You don’t have to say any more.”
Tyler shook her head.
“No, I’m okay. I want to tell you. The thing is you see, even if I could have chosen to stay with her, I would not have done,” she said, and her voice was tight. “Helen was right. I didn’t love her more than my career, I wanted both. But I loved her so much,” she added sadly. “I always loved her. And she didn’t even know it.”
Kate cupped her face in her hand. Tyler leaned into it and closed her eyes.
She sighed.
“So is this when you started to have panic attacks?” Kate asked.
“I had a few. There was an investigation into Helen’s death. My previous relationships. I… I’m sorry Kate, I didn’t want to get into all this stuff…”
“Why did you run?” Kate asked again, because she had to know.
“It doesn’t matter now.”
“Yes it does. Tyler, I love you, I would never hurt you. But you ran from me. You understand I need to know why?”
Tyler nodded a little.
“I understand. I just... I panicked, Kate. I thought I would let you down. I couldn't live with that.”
“Let me down? How?”
Tyler shifted uneasily.
“I don’t know,” she murmured.
“You do not believe you are really responsible for your ex’s suicide, do you?” Kate asked, watching her closely.
“Well. I did let her down, Kate. When she needed me. And Ben. I could let you down too.”
Kate exhaled sharply. There it was at last, she thought. The naked truth. She could see from the look in Tyler’s eyes that there would be no convincing her otherwise, at least not for the time being. No wonder she pushed herself so hard all the time, she reflected. No wonder connecting on a deeper level was such a scary thing for her to do.
Kate pulled her into a hard hug.
“I am strong inside, Ty,” she said simply. “I want to be with you. But I will never compromise my own self in the process. So please don't worry about me. I know you, and I want you in my life."
Tyler nodded against her, and Kate frowned all of a sudden and pulled back.
"What do you mean about Ben?” she asked.
Tyler shrugged a little, her expression sombre.
“It was my fault,” she muttered.
She shut her eyes tight but tears were falling down her face like a river now.
“How was it your fault, baby?” Kate asked quietly.
“I should have known!”
“And how could you have known that an older man taking his dead baby to the cemetery was going to blow himself up?”
“I should have searched him. I should have searched him and put him down.”
Tyler hit the side of her injured leg with her fist, hard. She did it twice, and Kate grabbed her wrist before she could do it a third time.
“Don’t,” she said sharply. “Not ever.”
She curled her fingers under Tyler’s chin and turned her head until she could kiss her.
“I love you,” she whispered. “Let me look at your leg.”
Tyler brushed at the tears in her eyes. She looked away again.
“No. I can’t…” she started.
“Sure you can. You can do anything you want to do, right?”
Tyler took a hard breath and shook her head no once more.
“I love you,” Kate told her again with feeling. “You can do this.”
After a few agonising seconds Tyler finally turned to her. She brushed at her eyes again and met her gaze.
She gave a shaky smile.
“I love you too,” she said simply. “Have done for a long time.”
“Then take that thing off your leg, Ty. I want you. And that means all of you.”
Tyler hesitated. And then finally she made her decision and slowly started to remove the thick bandage that covered most of her left leg. Kate kept her hand firmly on her the whole time, gently kneading the knotted muscles in her shoulders.
Once the bandage had come off, Tyler looked at her leg quickly, then away, and she sighed.
“Okay,” she said.
She sounded so defeated, so tired.
Kate kissed the side of her head, and squeezed her arm.
“It‘s all right,” she said.
She ran her fingers slowly along the side of Tyler’s thigh, over the thick scar in the shape of a U lower down her leg, just above where her knee would have been.
Tyler twitched and gave a surprised laugh.
“Wow. Feels weird.”
“Weird how?”
“Weird as in… kind of nice.”
Kate smiled at little.
“Fancy that eh,” she said.
The scar looked just as she had expected it would. It was neat. Someone at Bastion had done a good job for Tyler. She took her hand and gently guided her fingers over the scar. She saw her wince a little.
“Feel it,” she said. “It’s all right. It’s a part of you.”
Tyler nodded silently.
“Does it hurt?”
“Not this bit.”
“How does it feel?” Kate asked, looking at her intently.
“Okay. A bit funny. It’s easier with you."
All of a sudden she felt more tired than she had in weeks. She shivered and rubbed her eyes, and Kate realised how much of a toll this conversation must have taken on her. She was proud of Tyler for being honest with her though, and also for facing her fears and allowing her inside.
“Time for bed now darling,” she said gently.
Tyler let Kate push her down onto the bed and cover her with the light sheet. It felt like sinking into warm fluffy heaven. It was hard to keep her eyes open.
“Are you okay?” Kate asked.
“Hmm… Yeah. Kind of beat.”
“Yeah, I can see that. Go to sleep.”
“Are you going back to your hotel?” Tyler said drowsily. “Don’t go, okay?”
“Don’t worry about it, Tyler. I am not going anywhere, my love.”
Kate slid under the cover and she pressed herself against Tyler’s back, pulling the cover higher around her and resting her arm safely against her waist.
Tyler closed her eyes and exhaled softly.
“Kate?” she said.
“Yes, darling.”
“I am very sorry. About
everything.”
“It’s okay.”
“Yeah. But I am sorry.”
Kate wondered what she meant by that, but for now she knew they should just rest. There would be time to talk again, later, if they ever needed to.
“Don’t worry, baby. Just relax.”
Tyler nodded a little, and within seconds she sank into a deep, heavy sleep.
Chapter Sixteen
The next two weeks went by in a flash.
Over time, more and more of Kate's stuff started to appear on board Tyler's catamaran. It was easier that way since she was spending all of her free time with her anyway. The move happened quickly and naturally, without either of them feeling the need to discuss it. Tyler got a permanent smile on her face.
Every day they went for an early swim together followed by breakfast in the village with Marion and Ashley. In the afternoons if they were not diving they often took refuge inside the boat to escape the worst of the summer heat, and they spent hours alone below deck, making love, talking or simply relaxing in each other’s arms.
Tyler took her lover to the university town of Aix-en-Provence, and they spent a day wandering the small streets and drinking coffee on the beautiful tree-lined Cours.
Kate fell in love with Cezanne and decided that she would like to learn how to paint. Tyler stopped complaining of phantom pain and her panic attacks seemed to stop altogether.
Kate did not comment on this, but she also noticed that Tyler became less and less concerned and self-conscious about her leg as the days passed. Gone was the sock that always covered it, and the blue jeans she wore even when it was too hot. When they were on the boat Tyler did not even bother with her prosthetic, which was uncomfortable in the heat, and she relied on her crutches, at ease with herself and using them.
She looked happy, and for the first time in her life she found that she was happy to slow down. There was nothing she felt she needed to achieve, nowhere she needed to go, nothing she had to prove to anyone. Just here and now had suddenly become enough, and life finally felt like it was worth living again.
On the morning after the last day of their dive training, Marion stood on the beach and proudly raised her glass of orange juice. She looked happily at her friends gathered around her on the sand, and grinned.
"To me and Kate, PADI qualified at last!" she said with a laugh.
"To you and Kate," Tyler and Ashley agreed in unison, raising their bottles.
“And to Ashley and Tyler, for being such fab instructors,” Kate added.
Ashley slapped Tyler on the shoulder and winked at her.
“Fab. That's us, buddy,” she said.
“And we have some news,” Marion added as she sat down behind her girlfriend and threw her arms around her neck.
“What’s that?” Kate enquired.
“I’m going back to York with Marion,” Ashley announced with a beaming smile.
“So she can learn to speak English properly,” Marion added with a quick wink at Kate. “Nothing else, of course.”
“Of course,” Kate said, laughing. “Ladies, that’s wonderful news, congratulations.”
“And you, mate, better learn to speak some French if you’re going to be staying here with Ty.”
“I’m giving her private lessons,” Tyler said with a sparkle in her eyes.
“She any good?” Ashley asked.
Kate chuckled.
“I need lots of practice. Tyler doesn’t mind."
She looked at Tyler, who sat on the sand wearing nothing but a pair of board shorts and a bikini top. Her prosthetic lay forgotten, half buried in the sand, and Kate could not remember ever seeing her girlfriend looking so relaxed.
When Ashley and Marion nipped for a quick dip in the sea she gave her a lazy kiss, smiling when Tyler pulled her down onto the sand with her.
"What are you doing?" she laughed.
"Nothing illegal," Tyler shot back, grinning. "We're in France, remember? We can do this."
As she spoke she softly ran her fingers over Kate's thigh. She kissed the side of her neck, and her hand wandered up and under Kate's silk shirt, pausing just underneath her breast.
"If you want to do something illegal," Kate remarked lazily, "I don't really mind."
Tyler's breath was hot against her ear as she smiled.
Kate turned her head a little until she could kiss her.
"You taste delicious," she murmured.
"I do?"
"Yep. I think I am going to keep you."
"Oh yeah?"
Kate smiled when she heard the delight in Tyler's voice.
"I am going to keep you," she repeated, seriously this time.
She sat up and pulled Tyler up with her.
"Would that be okay with you Ty?"
Tyler nodded, her grey eyes solemn as they travelled over Kate's beautiful face.
“Because if you say yes to that, I will never leave you. You know that, don’t you,” Kate said. "So you've got to be sure."
Tyler nodded slowly.
She held Kate’s gaze, looked deep into her chocolate brown eyes, and bit on her lower lip thoughtfully when she saw how lovingly Kate was gazing at her. No one had ever looked at her that way before. And every single time that Tyler caught her girlfriend’s eyes on her, whether it was on the boat, before a dive, first thing in the morning or last thing at night, it was always the same look. Loving, trusting, and strong.
Tyler gave her a smile and kissed her gently on the lips.
“I know that,” she said. “And so, I hope you don’t mind, but I got you a little something yesterday.”
Almost shyly, she took a little black box out of her pocket and handed it to Kate. Inside was a simple heart pendant on a chain, and when Kate took it in her fingers and read the engraving on the back her eyes filled with tears.
It read:
'Yours Forever. I love you. Ty.'
Kate clutched the pendant in her hand and wrapped her arms around Tyler‘s neck.
"I love you so much," she said with emotion.
"Hey, that’s good, but it wasn't meant to make you cry, doc."
Kate burst out laughing.
"I know! I’m not really. I just..."
"Just what?" Tyler asked gently.
"I just can't believe how happy I feel when I'm with you. Can you put it on for me please?"
"Sure."
Tyler fastened the pendant around her neck, and when she pulled back Kate was smiling at her. Tyler cupped her face in her hand and kissed her again.
"It's titanium," she said. "So it won't break. You can't lose it."
"I won't lose you."
"I know."
Tyler smiled.
"It looks good on you," she said.
Kate ran her hands through Tyler's thick, unruly strands of hair, and her eyes wandered to the beach around them. There was not a breath of wind, and the sun was hot. The sea was glittering a transparent blue, and a little distance away she could see Marion and Ashley, walking hand in hand in the water.
Kate could smell the hills in the distance, hot pines and rosemary. Swallows were flying low in the sky.
She took a deep breath and closed her eyes.
"This is so perfect," she murmured.
The second she said that there was a shout from Ashley in the distance.
Kate shielded her eyes from the sun and gazed in her direction.
“Hey, you guys okay?” she shouted.
Ashley quickly jogged back to them. She had an urgent look on her face, and Tyler suddenly tensed up a little.
"What‘s up now," she muttered.
"Dave was just on the phone," Ashley said urgently when she got close. "We've got a shout."
“So what is going on? Are we talking about the entire East side of the hill? Or bigger?”
Kate listened to her lover's end of the conversation, not really liking the sound of it. She watched as Tyler strapped on her prosthetic, and continued to listen carefully to whoever was on the
other end of the phone. She still had that energy about her, that vibrant, irresistible intensity which had so attracted Kate to her back at Cobel. Kate grew wistful as she remembered the gentle way that Tyler had made love to her the previous night.
She started to get worried.
"Okay, good. I'm on my way."
Tyler ended the call and stood up, turning to Kate.
"I've got to go."
“Just come here first please?”
Tyler walked up to her and Kate enfolded her in a tight hug. Tyler felt the tension in her body, understood that something was wrong in the way that Kate clung to her, as if she would never let go.
"Hey,“ she said softy. ”What's the matter doc?"
She leaned into the embrace. Kate always touched her as if Tyler belonged to her. Tyler liked it. A lot.
"What does that guy want you to do?" Kate enquired.
On the way back to the boat, Tyler had explained that she and Ashley were members of the local Sea Rescue team. Dave was the guy in charge, and right now they were going out on a job. All of a sudden Kate had been reminded of Cobel.
"A fire started out in the hills behind Marseille early this morning, and the wind is making it worse," Tyler explained. "The fire fighters are worried that it could be coming our way.”
Kate nodded and pulled back a little, feeling anxiety creep into her chest as Tyler spoke. It was the familiar feeling from back in Afghanistan. This dull, nagging worry that something nasty was going to happen.
She glanced toward the door as Ashley climbed on deck.
“So what does David want you to do exactly?” she asked again.
Tyler caught the anxiety in her voice, and she made sure to sound matter of fact when she replied.
“I’m driving up into the hills to warn the residents. I‘ve done it a few times before. It‘s a bit of a boring job, but...”
“Can’t you just phone them up?” Kate interrupted.
Tyler shook her head. Her voice was gentle when she spoke.
“Some of them don’t even have electricity up there. That’s how remote it is.”
Kate grasped the front of Tyler’s shirt and pulled her closer to her.
“Sounds dangerous, Ty,” she remarked.
“It isn’t.”
Kate raised an eyebrow and stared deep into her lover‘s eyes.
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