by Martha Woods
But right now I wasn’t looking for a demonstration of Damon’s skills, I was hoping to see him curled up right where I had left him, and then to enjoy a coffee with the two of them before I broached what was truly going to be an uncomfortable subject for us all. Sitting in my car in the parking lot was all I could do to get another few minutes of preparation, breathing in through my nose and gently exhaling out of my mouth, trying to tell myself that this wasn’t going to be like interrogating a suspect.
I was going to trust Damon, I was going to speak to him like we were equals, because that is what we are, he’s not some monster that I think cut up a group of homeless people, he’s not some demon possessing innocent people and compelling them to do evil, he’s my love, he’s my everything, and I’m not going to sully that by assuming the worst about him. Whatever it was that he did was in the past, he’s a completely new person to the one that he was back then, in just about every single way. God knows that Vincent has probably done just as bad if not worse in his time, and given enough time in this life… I probably will too.
“Alright,” I breathed gently, popping open my door and stepping out of the car, “Alright, let’s do this.”
The steps leading up to my apartment never felt so long or so short, each step echoing with the feelings of dread and excitement that always accompanied the knowledge that you were heading into something serious, and as much as I couldn’t stand having to question someone I loved… I would be a liar if I said that I wasn’t excited to learn something new about one of the men that I shared my life with now. I’d spent my life always pursuing knowledge as best I could after all, it wasn’t like I could just turn that off when I wanted to was it?
With my hand squeezing around the door handle, I could feel it vibrating with every minute tremor of my hands, forcing myself to take another deep breath and push the door open before I lost my nerve, unsure of what it was that I wanted to see when I opened my eyes again.
Unfortunately, an apologetic Vincent and an open bedroom door was very much not what I wanted to see it turned out.
“Vincent?” I asked, stepping inside and looking around the room, “What’s wrong? Where’s Damon?”
“He’s…” Vincent sighed, “I’m sorry Amy, I tried to keep him from leaving, but I looked away for one minute and… he’s a lot quieter now than he was when he was a human, I’m still not used to it. He was long gone by the time that I realized it, and I didn’t want to go looking for him knowing that you were on the way back. Having none of us be here would be worse.”
“So he just… left again? Even after the promise that he’d made last night, he just left again without saying goodbye?”
“Technically he stayed until we were both awake, he probably took that as an opportunity to believe that everything was alright again and that he could leave without either of us minding.” He scowled, growling under his breath, “But if that was the case then he wouldn’t have waited until I wasn’t watching him to leave, would he?”
“No, and he probably wouldn’t have left us in the dark about everything in the first place, would he?” I had to be careful, I couldn’t let my emotions get the better of me, even if this was a pretty sufficient reason to be very pissed off. Things that he had done in the past were one thing, whatever it was that he had done was done when he was a completely different person, but these acts of self sabotage that he was engaging in now were very much his own decision, and I couldn’t say that I cared very much for it at all. Just the opposite actually, every time it happened I wanted to strangle him more and more, but I know that Vincent and myself are hardly perfect when it comes to how we are handling everything too.
But how are we ever going to improve things if we never sit down and talk about everything? At least Vincent and I are actually here, where is Damon running off to? It’s not like he can walk freely during the day anymore, not without dying, so is he just finding a place away from us where he can sleep? Does he hate sleeping next to us that much, or is there something deeper going on? It can’t be an affair, because after the amount of times that Vincent and I stressed things between all three of us he knows that all he would have to do if he was attracted to someone else was talk to us, we would understand and walk him through it.
So what’s the problem? Without him to explain everything to us it’s almost impossible to not assume the worst, because if he can’t even bear to be near us for more than a few hours at a time, that doesn’t exactly speak well for any communication on any serious issues in the future.
“I can put some calls out, see if anyone else can find him and let us know where he is...” Vincent placed his head in his hands, clearly more tired than anything of this whole situation. “I’m sorry Amy, I just… I’m out of ideas on what to do.”
“No, no don’t be sorry,” I said, “It’s not your fault, I don’t think it’s any of our faults. If he wants to be alone right now, if that’s really how he wants to spend all his time, away from us, then we should just let him. He’ll come back when he wants to, and we’ll do our best to be able to talk then, but until then… I don’t know. I suppose I’m just tired too.”
Vincent watched me cross over to the couch with a deep sadness on his face, clearly wanting to do something to make me feel better but completely clueless on what it was that he could actually do. “Amy…” He started slowly, walking over to me and taking a seat at my side. “You know that he still loves you, right?”
“Does he? How do you know?” I couldn’t help the bitter laugh that pushed through my lips, as much as I hated the sound. “For all I know he hates me, he hasn’t really been able to convince me otherwise.”
Vincent didn’t reply at first, his eyes glazing over and taking on that look that you only ever saw on someone who was deep in memory. “When I was first turned… I had some people who cared deeply about me, who didn’t want to leave me to the mercy of the world when they could help guide my way. As the years went on I started to feel like I wasn’t really worthy of that love, that I was just some… monstrous imposter that had gradually replaced the person that they actually loved.”
“You’ve never told me much about when you were turned,” I said, turning to face him and pulling myself close, “Who were these people?”
“One of them was my master, though he loathed being called that, he preferred to be called ‘the one who found you’. The other… was a woman that reminds me a lot of you actually. Very head strong, very independent, I didn’t expect her to accompany us when we left our home but she jumped at the first opportunity.” He smiled, warmly and genuinely. “I haven’t seen them in a very long time but… I have no doubt that wherever they are they’re making absolute hell for someone.”
“It sounds like they’re very special,” I said, smiling for people that I’d never met in my life, “You were very lucky.”
“I was,” He agreed, “But even then, with two people who accepted me completely and guided me through every part of my new life, even after everything that we had been through it felt like I wasn’t worthy of them, that I deserved to be alone for whatever reason it was that I had managed to convince myself was true, do you see where I’m going with this?”
“You’re saying that Damon doesn’t think that he deserves us, and he’s trying to sabotage himself in doing so?” He nodded, and that did the opposite of make me feel good. It made me feel positively awful actually. “But… why?”
“The mind is a strange thing at the best of times, and something like being turned into what is for all intents and purposes a monster when you’ve spent your entire life condemning those exact monsters would lead anyone to think strangely.” His expression turned sad, no doubt thinking back to the time that he had lost by denying himself what was so clearly offered to him. “It took me many years to come to an acceptance with myself, and the two of them were there for me even after all that time. I think that the best thing that we can do, as frustrating and as saddening as it may be at the time, is to just wait and allow him
to come to us when he is ready. There is only so much you can do to help a person without pushing them away, and if we keep pushing him any further I fear that he will run and never come back, just as I almost did.”
There wasn’t much that I could say in the face of that confession, Vincent hated telling of times when he felt that he was weak, even though he had no problems being honest with his emotions in front of us. There were some things that were just unpleasant to remember, I could understand that, and baring yourself in front of everyone was something that never got easier in my opinion. Still though, it made me happy to know that even through the worst of times he had people who cared about him, even sticking by him for hundreds of years by the sounds of it. If I could… I wish that I could do that myself.
“They sound like wonderful people, the ones that were with you,” I said, “I would have loved to meet them.”
“I would love for you to meet them as well,” He laughed, “But as the years went on they’ve gotten more and more unpredictable, I doubt that they would come here even if I begged them to. But I will see them again someday, that much I know. And you will meet them as well, that much is certain.”
“If they are half as amazing as you make them sound, I think I would really like that.” That didn’t solve the issue that we currently had, but it was nice to know that there were other people out there that were proof that you could push your way through something like this, even if it took you a very long time to do. But all this thinking about what I was going to say, what I should say, what I should do to make sure that everyone still feels loved and trusted… it had managed to tire me out even faster than I’d thought it would, and I’d already been running on more or less four hours of sleep a night for most of the last few months.
As quickly as I’d realized it, Vincent figured it out as well, chuckling softly to himself and pulling me closer against his chest, where I imagine a heart must have been beating so many centuries ago. “How about this,” He asked, “I’ll lay you down for a few hours so that you can get the rest that you’ve been denying yourself all this time, and once that time is up I’ll come back and push you off to the office, does that sound good?”
“Mmm…” I moaned at the thought, snuggling myself deeper into his side, “Will you be here with me the whole time?”
“Me? Of course I will, there’s nowhere that I would rather be after all.”
So that was how I spent the next few hours of my morning, cuddled up beside one of my immortal boyfriends and with my entire body sinking into the soft material of the couch. I never stopped thinking about the lack of warmth on my other side, even though we had agreed to let him work things out on his own time, but for now… this was good enough.
CHAPTER 2
“ Amy…” I shuffled at the intrusion, half-heartedly batting my hand at whatever it was that was touching me. A soft chuckle and an insistent poking were their answer, and gradually, with no small amount of grumbling, I opened my eyes to look up at the smiling face of Vincent.
“Hello,” He said, “Time to get up, don’t you think?”
“Ugh…” I groaned, looking around through bleary eyes around at the rest of the living room, “What time is it?”
“It’s eight am, bright and early. How did you sleep?”
“It… felt like I didn’t. I didn’t dream or anything.” Pushing myself up onto my elbows, I rubbed a hand down my face and tried to wipe the sleep from my eyes. “How about you?”
“I didn’t sleep for long, I wanted to watch over you while you rested.” Vincent grinned, running his hand through my hair. “Mission accomplished, all is clear.”
I snorted, all but falling off the couch in my attempt to get to my feet, before shuffling over to the kitchen. “You’re a dork, have I told you that before?”
“Many times, yes. There’s coffee waiting for you on the counter, just the way that you like it.”
“Oh thank god…” Wrapping my hands around the warm cup, feeling almost scalding in the cold air around us, I gave a quick thanks before tipping the cup to my lips. “You know how to make anyone feel special in the morning.”
“The key I’ve found is treating people the way that they deserve to be treated, anything less than that and everyone is eventually going to be disappointed.” Plucking a cookie from in front of me, Vincent sat in one of the stools and turned himself around idly, thinking with a mouthful of cookie. “I’m sorry that I can’t come with you to the office today, but as you know the sun and I have come to an unfortunate agreement. I don’t go outside and it doesn’t kill me, kind of a bad bargain but I can work with it.”
“It’s no worry, I’m just going to be doing some paperwork and some research probably, if I’m going to be welcoming a group of refugees into our city I want to make sure that everyone’s needs are going to be accounted for and that they’ll be safe once they get here. If you really want to help me you can be here with a cup of coffee when I get back, that’ll really help me unwind after all of this.”
“I don’t see any issues there,” He said, “I might go out once night falls to get a lay of the land and make sure that I don’t forget any of the surrounding areas, but I’ll be back before you get here. Just be sure not to strain yourself too much, that’s the last thing that we need.”
“I’m not looking to make myself into a martyr by any means Vincent, don’t worry. I’ll take a break if I have to, but Cara will be there to step in in case I get a bit too stubborn. You’ve seen how she can be, it’ll be impossible to say no to her after a while.”
“Well in that case, don’t cause too much trouble for Cara. I know what it can be like trying to clean up a mess that’s been left behind by a superior, it’s not fun.” Leaning forward and kissing my forehead, he took my hand and rubbed his thumb along my knuckles, his gaze tender and caring as he stared into my eyes. “You get more and more beautiful every single day, it’s incredible.”
“I know,” I said, barely able to keep a straight face, “I guess it’s just good genes on my part. You’re not so bad yourself though.”
“Thank you, a few hundred years have been very kind on my complexion.” Popping the rest of the cookie into his mouth and getting to his feet, he slipped around to my back and pressed his lips to my forehead. “Now go on, time for you to get to work don’t you think? Wouldn’t do for everything to be delayed just because you’re making sure that I’m not lonely.”
“I would never do that,” I laughed, “I was always work-first for years, I’m not gonna stop that just because I like how cute you are when you pout.”
“Well good, because my pouting can be very persuasive.”
Trying my best not to laugh and finishing off the rest of my coffee, I picked up my coat and keys from where they had been placed on the counter next to me, finishing up my ritual of getting ready and breathing a small sigh of relief. It was nice that some little things never changed.
“Alright, I’m heading out now,” I told him, walking away slowly with his hand still clutched in mine, “I’ll see you soon ok?”
“Go out there and do what it is that you do best,” He said, squeezing my fingers once more before letting go and leaning himself back against the counter, “I’ll be here when you get back, and god willing I’ll actually have someone back with me.”
“We can only hope, but we shouldn’t hold our breaths. If he needs more time to himself then we should give that to him, I think that you’re right about that.”
“Amy…” His tone was more cautious now, as though he was afraid of angering or offending me in some manner. We were always as honest with each other as best we could be, and with that had come a sense of ease and trust in what we were telling each other, so this hesitation was rather strange. “I don’t want to hold you up too much but… when you came in last night you were much angrier at Damon leaving than I thought you would be. I was just wondering… was there a reason for that? Was it just about him leaving or… is there something else going o
n that I’m not aware of?”
There it was, the exact thing that I didn’t want to think about and also didn’t want anyone else to know right now. How would I explain it to him, ‘oh I just found out that Damon knew exactly who this hunter was, they did business together once’? I wasn’t keen on finding out how he would take that news, and anger wasn’t the reaction that I was afraid of. I didn’t want to see any sort of sadness or disappointment crossing his face about someone that we cared about so much, but I could hardly lie and say it was nothing could I? Then I would be betraying his trust, and I absolutely couldn’t even think about doing that, not after everything that we had been through and sacrificed for each other.
So there were my choices, and truth be told I wasn’t a fan of either of them. I could lie and tell him it was nothing, knowing full well that he would see right through that and get a double dose of betrayal, or I could tell him everything and watch his opinion of Damon potentially plummet, even with everything that all of us had done in our pasts and started atoning for. Fantastic, just what I wanted, another moral dilemma on top of all the other bullshit that we have to deal with lately.
Clearly he could see what I was going through in trying to come to a decision, because with a small shrug of his shoulders and a reassuring smile, he merely leaned forward and said, “Amy, if you don’t feel comfortable telling me right now… just say so. I’ll accept that and stop asking, but just promise me that you’ll be careful and that if it gets to be too much that you’ll tell me everything, ok?”
That was a fair compromise, and one that I was all too happy to agree to. Shoving forward once more and wrapping my arms around his neck, I placed a kiss on his cheek and nodded. “I promise, if I think everything is getting out of hand you’ll be the first person that I call, thank you for trusting me with all of this.”
“You’ve trusted me with a lot of things as well, this is just the least that I can do to pay you back for that. Now go on, too many things for you to do to worry about me.”