Desari retreated inward. She wasn’t angry with Julian; she could even understand him to a point. She was a woman with deep passions and a quick, intelligent mind. She might choose to follow Darius’s lead, because most times his way was her way. But no one else, not Dayan or Barack, could command her allegiance the way Darius did.
She did not want the same relationship with Julian as she had with her brother. She wanted a partnership, to be considered an equal with him. Desari instinctively knew she could never be truly happy with less. She wanted Julian’s respect, to be able to discuss things and make decisions together, not have him lead while she followed blindly. She had powers of her own; she could be of use to him in times of need if he had faith in her.
Why was it she could see his strength yet he could not see hers?
“Desari?” There was an ache in his voice that sent butterfly wings brushing at her insides. “I know you are upset.” He caught her arm in a gentle grip, halting her flight away from him. His legs treaded strongly in the water, holding them both up, one arm circling her waist, locking her to his larger frame. “Do not turn away from me. If I cannot read your thoughts and know what is important to you, I cannot provide for you.”
Her teeth tugged at her lower lip. Her dark eyes did not meet his golden ones. Even with her face averted, Julian could read the confusion there. She did not want to merge her mind with his. His hand moved up the smooth line of her back to the nape of her neck, his fingers easing the tension from her tight muscles. “I have much to learn, Desari, about the relationship between lifemates. I have such intense emotions—wild and chaotic at times—I feel almost panic-stricken with the fear of losing you or allowing you to come to harm.”
He wrapped his arms tightly around her, holding her against his heart. “Darius was correct when he said I was partially responsible for the success of the assassins’ attack on you. I have replayed it a million times in my mind. In my arrogance, I assumed you and the rest of your troupe were human, and I gave no thought to the distraction my presence would cause. Darius felt my power and was busy trying to detect the undead. Later, when you began to sing, I was so caught up in the colors I saw and the emotions I felt, with the excitement of knowing you were in the world, my lifemate, I could not believe it. I think I stood there frozen, unable to move, in shock. If I had not been so caught up in my own emotions, I would not have allowed any assassin to get close to you.”
His thumb traced the line of her jaw, then moved to brush her lower lip. Just the feel of her made his heart jump. “Desari.” His voice was mesmerizing, playing on her soul so that she could do no other than listen. “I have failed you so often, failed to detect danger to you. In all the centuries I have existed, I have never made such mistakes. The last person I wish to fail is you. Can you not understand what I am saying?”
Chapter Twelve
Desari lay her head on his shoulder, uncertain what to do to ease the situation. “I am trying to be understanding, Julian, but it is not easy. Contrary to what you are often thinking, I am no saint. I haven’t the patience of Job. What I want from my union with you is to be respected for what I am and for what I bring to this relationship. If I do not know more of your past, things that would help me better comprehend your fears for me, it is because I have respected your wishes and left your memories alone.”
Julian felt as if she had punched him hard in the gut. His fingers tightened around her upper arms. “I have invited you to merge your mind with mine.”
She straightened beside him, the water lapping at her waist. “Why are you shadowed, Julian? Why have you been alone all of your life? You have chosen a life of utter solitude when it is not your nature to be alone. You were born a twin. You needed another close to you, yet you cut yourself off from him. I know you love your brother, yet you will not speak of him, will not speak to him.” Her dark eyes regarded him steadily. “I am no child to be shielded. I want a full partnership with you or nothing at all.”
“My past is not what is haunting our relationship.”
“Your past is haunting you, Julian.” She gestured at their peaceful surroundings. “We are in a paradise, where I wish to make love with you often and in many ways. I see nothing wrong with it, yet you are afraid you bring danger to me. I cannot understand why you would choose to hurt me, to chastise me, rather than simply tell me what it is you are so afraid of.”
She looked so beautiful there in the moonlight. She stole his breath as easily as she had taken his heart. “I have exchanged blood with a vampire.” He said the words starkly, with no gentle explanations, the plain ugly truth that had haunted him all his life. The truth that had robbed him of his family and his birthright, the truth no other had ever been told.
Desari went very still, her face pale as she stared into his pain-filled eyes. The tip of her tongue wet her lips, her only sign of a reaction. “How terrible, Julian. When did this happen?” There was love in her voice, compassion. It was in the depths of her eyes. She moved to cover the distance between them, her arms wrapping tightly around his waist to press her breasts against his chest.
Julian actually felt tears in his eyes. He buried his face in her hair. “I would understand if you chose not to stay with me.”
Her teeth nipped his skin, a small punishment for doubting her. “When, Julian?”
“I was twelve years of age. He looked young and handsome, and he knew all sorts of things I wanted to know. I visited him in his mountain lair nearly every day, and I told no one, as he bade me. Not even Aidan, although Aidan suspected something was wrong.” There was a wealth of self-contempt in his voice.
Desari pressed closer to him, kissing the hollow of his shoulder, running her hands up and down his broad back to comfort him. “You did not know he was vampire. You were but a boy, Julian.”
“Do not excuse me.” His voice was a whip of self-loathing. “I wanted what he had. I always sought to learn things I should not have known. He saw that in me. The darkness gathering. And one day, when I saw him make a kill, he leapt on me, and he took my blood and forced his tainted blood into my body. He tied us together for all time. He would know where I was, who I was with. He could use me to eavesdrop on others, to betray them. If he wanted to, he could even use me to kill. He was powerful, and I was not yet, so I had no choice but to leave, to stay away from everyone I had ever cared about.” He rubbed his neck as if it burned him. “For centuries he tormented me, but I grew in strength and knowledge until he could no longer use his power over me. But then he vanished, and I could never find him to try to destroy him. I searched every continent, everywhere around the world, and I could not find him. He must use some special power I do not know to keep me from tracking him as I could others who do not have my blood in their veins.”
“Perhaps he is dead.” Desari circled his neck with her arms, holding him close.
Julian shook his head. “I would have felt his death. The shadow would have gone. I fear he will be drawn to you, through me, that he will come for you.”
She stayed very still in his arms, taking comfort from the strength of his body. “You are no longer a boy, Julian. You have grown very powerful.”
He could feel the tension running through her like a fine wire pulled taut. His hand pushed at her back, a gentle guide toward shore. They had to complete the trip to the next concert site before the sunrise. “He was powerful when I was but a boy, Desari, not yet even a fledgling.” Julian chose his words carefully. “For centuries I have chased the undead and destroyed them, removed all traces of their existence to protect our people. I have witnessed much death and horror, the cunning and destruction these soulless creatures cause. They victimize our people and humans alike. And they grow in power as they age.”
“You were a child,” she said softly. “He more than likely only seemed an ancient to you.” Her heart ached for him, for the terrible loneliness he had endured. “Why did you not tell your Prince? Or your healer? Or your brother?”
“He said
he would use me to kill my brother,” he admitted without expression. That pain ran so deep, Julian couldn’t totally share it. “Ever since I have dedicated my life to destroying the vampire. You have not seen, as I have, what they can do. I cannot let myself allow you into such dangerous situations to appease your desire for ‘equality.’ I have no choice but to protect you, even though it may mean at times we cannot agree.”
Desari waded onto the shore and, automatically, without conscious thought, regulated her body temperature so she did not feel the cold of the night on her wet skin. She wrung out her long hair. “Is it so different then, being a hunter, a powerful male, than a powerful, ancient female who does not hunt?”
Julian shrugged his broad shoulders with a lazy ripple of muscle, striding easily after her. “We males are predators first, Desari. We have not a female’s compassion and goodness in us. Our lives are ones of justice, right versus wrong. Those of us who are hunters see death continually, betrayal by old friends and even family members. We are forced to destroy those we once cared for or perhaps even owed debts to. We must protect the females from these horrors they were not made for.”
“You are much like my brother. You and Darius think and react almost alike,” Desari admitted as she donned clothing with a wave of her hand. Blue jeans and white sweater with pearl buttons down the front covered her, hiding her skin from his view. “I see why you think I should give you obedience, but I am no child, and I am not capable of returning to that state.”
“
Cara mia,
I value your opinion in all things. But I am a hunter, a male Carpathian. It is imprinted on us, before our very birth, what our duty is. We know the ritual binding words, and we know we must protect our women and our children above all else. I cannot rid myself of this responsibility, nor do I know if I would want to do so.”
Desari stood tall and straight, her long hair flowing in the slight breeze. She looked regal, like a queen. “It is shocking to me that males of your acquaintance have forced females no older than a fledgling to bind with them. I am no child or fledgling, lifemate. I am a woman with much power. I know who I am and what I want. I do not wish to be ordered about as if I have no common sense. Why would you think I would interfere in your battles with the undead? But it is my right as your lifemate to aid you, be it with strength or healing.”
Julian clothed himself in matching blue jeans and a white shirt. He turned her words over in his mind and found himself agreeing with her. She deserved the same respect he gave to Darius. Were her gifts any less than her brother’s? He did respect her; how could he not? He respected any woman strong enough to become lifemate to the Carpathian male, fledgling or no. He let his breath out slowly. Was this the dilemma of every hunter when he found his true lifemate?
“Julian?” Desari touched the back of his hand. “I am not trying to chastise you, but I feel you should know what I am. Who I am. I will never settle for a master. You will be my partner or we are never going to have a true relationship. I cannot be subject to your rules any more than you could be to mine. Do you not see that what I say is so?”
Julian sifted strands of her ebony hair through his fingers. “Do you believe I think you less than myself?”
Desari looked up at him. “I think perhaps you believe I have not the strength and wisdom to protect myself from harm.”
“Do you?” He asked it seriously, his watchful gaze never leaving her face. He did not attempt to enter her mind, wanting to give her the courtesy of privacy in this matter.
Desari’s first inclination was to tell him that of course she was strong and wise enough to defend herself and that surely she could prevent a vampire from taking possession of her. She even opened her mouth to say so but, then closed it again. Could she kill, even a vampire? The answer was no, she could not. She could not destroy even such an evil one. It was not in her to do so. Nor could she have fought the effects of the poison as Julian had. The vampire might have triumphed after all.
“I do not have the will to destroy,” she answered honestly. “But that does not negate what I have said to you. I do not feel that just because I cannot do what you do I should be forced to obedience as if I were a child. I did not in any way impede you in your battle, nor would I have done so.”
His fingers curled around the nape of her neck, gently, tenderly. “Your very presence was a hazard, Desari; my attention was divided. Every moment you were in danger, I could barely breathe. In the past when I went into battle, all there was was the vampire and myself.”
“And what is so different now?” Desari’s voice was soft and beautiful, its purity touching the darkness in him with soothing peace.
Julian found himself letting out his breath slowly. “The difference now is that if I am destroyed, so might you be. Desari, can you not see that the world needs your gift? The peace your voice brings to it, to all creatures of the earth and sky? To humans, to us, our people? We do not yet know but that your voice might even aid our cause, help find a way to provide female children for our dying race. Aside from the possessiveness I feel, the need to have you with me, I feel the responsibility for your safety even more upon my shoulders. I can understand the pressure on Darius all these centuries. You have a priceless gift, lifemate, one we cannot risk.”
Desari smiled in spite of the gravity of their conversation. “Do not place me so high I am soaring, lifemate. I do not know if my voice can do the wonders you imagine, but I thank you for the honor you give me. The point is, Julian, I may not have the skills to destroy the undead, but I have wisdom to know not to engage him in battle. More importantly, Julian, I respect your ability and have pride in your strength. I am not illogical or the type of person to place myself in danger deliberately, out of defiance. And I must remind you, you should not try to force my obedience, particularly when your mind is divided. I will follow your advice in these matters because I choose to do so.” Her chin tilted at him in a slightly haughty way.
Julian was used to being the sole authority in his world, and he had always viewed women as the gentler sex, to be protected and hidden away from danger. It had not occurred to him that a lifemate might wield as much power in her own way as he did. Desari was right. He should not force her obedience, even when their lives were threatened; she would obey only with her full consent. How arrogant the males of his race had become. Julian thrust a hand through his golden hair and arched an eyebrow at her. “There is something to what you say,” he admitted, deliberately slowly, as if mulling it over.
Her dark eyes smoldered. “There is truth in what I say.”
He rubbed the bridge of his nose thoughtfully. “I suppose I can concede there could be some truth in what you say.”
She couldn’t help but laugh at him. “You are deliberately provoking me because you cannot stand that I am right. It deflates your male ego.”
“Not only mine,
cara mia”
he admitted with his mischievous grin, “but that of all the other hunters who find their lifemates. I will enjoy watching them learn this interesting fact of life when it is their turn. But in the meantime, Desari, should we be around other males, you could pretend that you obey my every word, lest we warn the others of their impending lesson.”
Desari found herself suddenly relaxing, her dark eyes dancing. Julian wanted to see her point. And he had finally opened his memories to her of his own free will, allowed her to see the scars of his childhood. “Darius is much like you, Julian.”
“That brother of yours,” Julian said with his slow, taunting drawl. “You like him.”
Julian raised an eyebrow. “Darius is not a man you ‘like,’
cara.
He is someone who inspires more emotion, to anyone who can feel emotion, than the word
like
implies. You might admire him. Respect him. Even fear him. But Darius is not someone you
like.
He is a hunter. Few, if any, would challenge him.”
&nbs
p; “You would,” Desari said with complete conviction. “No one has ever said I was brilliant,” Julian answered. “Do you think my brother is going to stay with us?”
Julian rubbed the bridge of his nose again, his eyes suddenly blank. “It is possible at some point, Desari, that you will want to establish our own family rather than stay with this unit.”
She paced away from him, then returned. “You think he is close to turning vampire.”
“I think your brother is a powerful hunter. He would make a lethal adversary, and I would not want the job of tracking him. Darius will hold on as long as he is able. He will not choose to lose his soul without a fight.”
“Do you know any hunters greater than yourself?” Desari asked, curious. “Besides my brother, of course,” she added impishly.
His eyebrows shot up, his grin slightly sardonic. “Do you wish to become a hunter groupie? I assure you, I am more than adequate for the job.”
She burst out laughing. “You idiot. I was curious, that is all. Darius learned only through his own experience. Are his skills as good as those of your people?”
“Your brother is extremely strong and skilled. Perhaps it is inherited, in your bloodline,” he mused aloud. “Remember,
cara,
Gregori, the Dark One, a most powerful hunter, second only to Mikhail, our Prince, is brother to you and Darius. We are of the same people.”
Desari nodded, intrigued. “Do you think all hunters’ skills are inherited?”
“The greatest hunter, as well as the greatest and most unique vampire, came from your bloodline. Those who choose the life of a hunter sometimes serve an apprenticeship under an experienced guide and are taught the rudiments of how a vampire must be destroyed almost from birth. But your brother did not have this information.”
“But not all who hunt are guided?” Desari asked.
Dark Challenge (Dark Series - book 5) Page 22