God and I are a team. We are friends. We are partners. He abides in me, and I in Him. He guides me, He leads me, and He gives me strength, comfort, and courage when I am weak. He’s taught me how to love better and bigger and how to serve. He’s taught me to let Him take the wheel and walk the steps for me to Mom’s front door. He’s given me rest when I needed it most. He’s taught me perseverance and discipline and given me faith and trust during my fears and through the unknown. He’s given me hope beyond understanding and taught me what “moment to moment” really means—to live one day at a time, hour by hour, following His lead.
He’s taught me about friendships. True friends are honest and faithful. They show up during difficult times. They make time for others in a busy and distracting world. My true friends have never left my side and reach out consistently. They’ve shown me by example how to be a better friend. Being encouraged by friends is amazing, so why wouldn’t I want someone else to experience that feeling, regardless of that person’s mental state?
He’s shown me the hard work of caregivers. Caregivers pour their hearts and souls into serving individuals who can’t give back. I know because I am one! Many days I have given up everything for Mom, only to leave feeling empty because she can’t give me anything in return.
But then I ask myself: Am I doing this for her or for me? Or am I doing this for God? I’ve chosen to do it for Him because He has given me everything: my parents, my husband, and my children. Everything I have is His. There is no doubt in my mind every caregiver who takes care of Alzheimer’s patients has a calling from God, because there is no other way they could do this job. Yes, there may be a few who do it because they have to, but I would guess most are caregivers because they get to. With special gifts from God, they have been chosen to use them to spread His love.
God longs for our hearts. Our hearts are what He values most, so if I use my heart to love others, then I am glorifying Him by sharing with others what He treasures most. Caregivers glorify God whether they realize it or not.
In 2 Peter 1:5–8, we read, “For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ” (ESV).
I pray these qualities increase in me. I want to be fruitful and effective for God. He has been faithful and never left my side. I want to give back to Him. Though I will fail sometimes, He is a forgiving God. He will help me get back on the path.
Daddy and I and our family have had to accept this was God’s plan all along. I will love Beauty to the end. Dad will make sure she is loved, honored, and cherished to the end. Even in Mom’s present state, she makes our lives better, whatever the circumstance. All we are capable of is love, and we know now that Alzheimer’s disease can never stop the love.
EPILOGUE
BEAUTY’S MIND HAS BEEN DAMAGED and doesn’t work properly. Though disrupted by this change, Mom has a way of bringing pleasure to my heart through her disease. Her mind may be fading away, but her spirit is the same. She is light, even in brokenness, and her light shines brightly upward and outward.
People often ask me, “How is your mom?” My answer, as of today, is “She’s safe, and she’s happy, and that’s all our family can ask for.” I’m also asked, “How’s your dad doing?” Though Dad has accepted this as God’s plan all along, it has been devastating beyond words for him. He used to think “through sickness and in health” meant that he should only take care of her from home, and that placing her outside the home meant he was a failure. But those were lies he believed. The reality is that having her at home nearly killed him, though it broke every part of his heart once she was placed. He has shown us, his family, what true love and commitment look like. And he encouraged us and others to seek help when we needed it and not to believe those same lies. He never gives up. A strong and loving man, he will love her to the end. He promised her when she was diagnosed that he would keep her safe and protected, and above all else, maintain her dignity. Dad follows God’s lead, which is always the best for Mom.
Beauty doesn’t know our children’s names anymore, and it’s difficult to hear her ask, “Where’s the boy?” when looking for Elijah. As Thad sits across from us visiting with another resident, Mom leans in and asks, “Are you two married?” I painfully answer, “Yes, we are married! Sixteen years now!” And with a smirk on her face, she says, “GREAT!” It is in those moments I know she’s happy for me, and that she can’t get enough of our presence even when she can’t recall our names.
This disease is rough, and living with it each day is tiring and challenging. Our family’s lives are constantly uncertain, and we are learning, in our spiritual beings, how to interact with Mom. We take her on outings, and we include her in our home for the holidays. She goes to the salon weekly and looks forward to Wednesday “happy hour” musicals. However, we all know these special times can end with a fall or broken bones. It feels like we are playing roles in a heartbreaking drama, even while knowing our interactions with Beauty are guided by trust in God. He has been our rock and He has been the source of all the blessings through Mom’s disease. As God gave me strength to roll out of bed during overwhelming weeks of distress, He was and is the massive rock that’s firm, dependable, and doesn’t change. I believe He’s prepared me to see the beauty through the pain and also allowed me to appreciate this difficult, yet divine, experience.
As Mom continues her journey through early-onset Alzheimer’s disease, I’ve learned to live in the moment and live in her world. If she tells me an apple is orange, then by golly that apple is orange! If she thinks Frensley is my friend and not my daughter, then for that moment in time, Frensley is my best friend!
I don’t want to live with any regrets. I will continue to look into her heart, and eyes, and facial expressions, and will do my best to co-labor with God in her new world each day, being grateful that He is allowing me to shine light during this strenuous and laborious time. Mom is a human being with a name, and although this disease is a mystery and I want it to be cured, her life and my relationship with her are important, significant, and worthy of attention.
Note from David Bearden
(Sarah’s Father)
THERE IS NO WAY TO properly express my gratitude to my daughter Sarah for all the things she has done for her mother and me. During a time of sadness and grief for our family, she has taken the lead position to keep us going, while continuing her role as a wife and mother of three wonderful children. She also encouraged me to document the events that were happening daily in order to help and share with others who were facing this long, hard journey. After realizing that it was hopeless to have me write anything, she again took the lead and wrote this book.
Sarah’s relationship with her mother actually began more than two years before her birth. Our second child and first girl, Jessica, was stillborn after a full-term pregnancy. When Sarah arrived, it was as if Beck’s love for both daughters was poured into Sarah. That began a beautiful mother-daughter relationship that continues to this day. Their roles have reversed, but it is still an amazing relationship to observe. I mention this so you, the reader, will have a better understanding of the extreme difficulty that Sarah faced when placing her mother in memory care.
There are many people affected by this cruel disease, and I hope this book will offer encouragement to the families, friends, and caretakers of the victims.
To the men and women who are struggling to determine if placement is the right thing for their loved ones—may you have a better understanding of what can happen after a decision is made. You can continue to be a part of their lives and give them a small amount of joy by visiting them regularly. I’ve discovered that a big laugh or smile from one who has Alzheime
r’s gives me more joy than going to a sporting event, a nice restaurant, or a movie.
To the friends of a victim of Alzheimer’s—don’t be afraid of visiting your friend for fear of not knowing what to do or say. You will be amazed at what resides in their damaged brains, and the more you are around them, the more joy both of you will receive. After what began as an arduous journey to visit my wife in a memory-care facility, I now look forward to arriving each day. It truly is a new world every day for the patient and the caretaker, and it can be fun and exciting if you will just allow it to happen.
Statistics tell us that more women have Alzheimer’s than men. Recently, I’ve realized that the women caring for men with Alzheimer’s may be the worst victims, due to the strength and violence of men. My heart goes out to those thousands who are in this situation and don’t have the financial resources to place them in a memory-care facility. If you know someone in this situation and can help, please do so.
Rebecca and Ginny taking a break and having fun in 1965.
Lieutenant Becky English preparing for the 1965 Cotton Bowl halftime performance.
Rebecca and David on their wedding day, September 10, 1966.
Rebecca and David running to their getaway car after their wedding reception, September 10, 1966.
Beauty and Pop dancing at a wedding in August 2002.
Sarah and Beauty on the Disney World monorail after a full day at the park in Orlando, Florida.
Big Ginny and Beauty on New Year’s Eve, January 31, 2016, at her memory care facility. Th at same evening, Ginny received Jesus in her heart while praying with Sarah over dinner.
Sarah and Beauty in February of 2017, 6 months after Beauty’s placement.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
WRITING A BOOK WAS NEVER a dream of mine. A stay-at-home mom driving an SUV, aka “shuttle bus,” I carpool kids to and from school, soccer, flag football, lacrosse, basketball practices, games, and tournaments. My husband and I go on weekly date nights so we can continue to “date” in the midst of our busyness. As I became a caregiver to Mom, God began drawing me closer and closer to Him through my pain and sorrow.
I must thank God first and foremost because the truth is, I would not be an author if it weren’t for the undeniable and unexplainable things He revealed to me during a time of grief—for weeks leading up to Mom’s placement and several months after. As much as I questioned Him and tried to run away from this call on my life, God continued to push me out of my comfort zone and teach me how to trust and walk by faith and help others through our journey. As 1 Timothy 1:12 reads, “I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that He considered me trustworthy, appointing me to His service” (NIV).
To my dad, or as I still call you, “Daddy,” thank you for all of your support, love, and encouragement. You knew God was working on my heart, and you never stepped in His way. You simply said, “Well, then journal. Write things down and take it day by day, and He will guide you. All you can do is listen and trust, and He’ll take care of the rest.” Thank you for showing me how love can fill the heart. Your presence in my life has been the greatest present you could ever give. You are the definition of spiritual legacy, as you told me, “It’s all about your relationship with the Lord. The stories of your past and present walk with Jesus into the future. These stories acknowledge the bad times, but are combined with the good that God creates in and through you.” You have shown your family and the world what true love and commitment really are, and you are a better man and husband because you chose to follow God’s lead. I’m so proud of you, Daddy, and I thank you for making it possible for us to share our story with the world.
Thank you, Thad, my husband of sixteen years. You have been my rock. Not once did you question my ability to write. Quite the opposite, actually. You encouraged me to try something new and “venture out.” You knew my heart’s desire to help others in this situation, or in any difficult trial, and in my times of doubt, you reminded me of Philippians 4:13, “I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me” (NKJV).
Frensley, Emery, and Elijah, our precious three children whose hearts were broken when they heard of Beauty’s disease—thank you for all of the hugs and kisses during the times you saw me crying. Thank you for making me laugh and smile and see Beauty’s disease through the lens of a child. We strengthened each other together, and I know Beauty’s disease has shown you that life isn’t easy. Life is difficult and full of pain, and sorrow, and sometimes devastating news, but we don’t give up. Life matters, and you have had the honor and privilege of seeing the beauty in the brokenness and the hope available to you through Jesus Christ. He is faithful, and you can and will get through the hard times. The life lessons you have learned along this journey are priceless, and I’m so proud of the young ladies and young boy you have become these past several years. You have been light and examples to your friends and family. You are all three overcomers. Daddy, Pop, and I are so very proud of you! And, Beauty would be also, if she knew all that you have done for her this side of heaven in the world around you, through her brokenness.
Gabriel, you know how close Mom and I have always been. Thank you for supporting me as I walked this road. David and Trish, the deep conversations we have shared over the years, and the love and encouragement you passed on weekly and monthly kept me going. What an honor and blessing it has been to see you both travel, often from another state, to spend time with Mom, dance with her, play piano for her, or even read a Bible story to her. You rose above things of the past, and you put love first.
Thank you to Thad’s family, my “Smith” in-laws, for your love and prayers throughout this journey. And to Joan and Steve, for building the teepee in Colorado—be careful what you pray for! Big things happen in the “tent of meetings,” as I love to call it. I love you Smiths, Becks, Muellers, and Kochs.
To “Big” and “Little” Ginny and Carie—the world sure is a brighter place with you girls in it! Thank you for all of the “laughs-so-hard-wecould-cry,” and for the hours of dancing we’ve had together in assisted living and memory care! Big Ginny, thank you for being that one friend who never left Mom’s side. You did your best to help alleviate the stress in our lives and offered your time. Little Ginny, I’ll never forget that gut-wrenching day we placed Mom. I don’t know how I would have survived without you. I asked a lot of you that day and without hesitation, you agreed to do the inevitable. I know it was a painful day for you, also, and I thank you for carrying me through. Carie and Ginny, our friendships runs deep and wide, and I love that they began with our mothers.
Jennifer, thank you for the hundreds and hundreds of boxes you helped me unpack! God has given you the ability to carry people through difficult times, and somehow, you were able to make me laugh and get stuff done! I remember our walk and your words, “Well, everyone has a story!” You are loved, Jennifer. I see you. God sees you.
Mom’s caregivers over the past several years—thank you for your patience and love and not giving up on her stubborn personality! You know what you are doing, and I’m grateful that, because of you, my dad is sleeping through the night more (because he knows she is safe).
Thank you, Christine, for saying to me, “You gotta do it!” I shared my heart and fears and was clueless how to start the writing process, but you shared every resource you could think of to get me started. You gave me names and numbers and said, “Just call them! You never know!” Those words reminded me of Mom. It was as if she was speaking through you during our three-hour lunch. Thank you for being one of my biggest cheerleaders.
Bree, thank you for the coaching and teaching me how to write! You challenged me to dig deep and not be afraid to be vulnerable. With each new chapter I brought to the table, you got more and more excited. Your energy and positivity made me more courageous. I absolutely loved working with you. Lorna and Linda, thank you for your edits and excitement to get our story out.
Selby and Stephanie, who knew that summer in Aspen that I would be
asking you to “edit” my manuscript?! You both were not afraid to give me honest feedback. You, also, were vulnerable when writing comments on the pages. Thank you for fervently praying for my journey and this book. Your faith in the Lord is inspiring, and your belief in me helped me knock on all kinds of doors. And Selby, “the Connector,” I thank you for being an incredible mentor in my life. This has been quite the adventure, and a simple “thank you” will never be enough. I love you to heaven and back!
Lee, thank you for going back to difficult memories of you and your mom and sharing them with me. At a time I was lost and confused, you made me feel supported. Thank you for reading my manuscript and your beautiful endorsement.
Ron, thank you for the beautiful foreword. We really are the same kind of different! Your wisdom has taught me much, and I thank you for the time you have taken to help guide me along the way.
John and Eric, thank you for Breakpoint (daily commentary and podcasts) and The Eric Metaxas Show. Your emphasis on a biblical worldview and your perspectives on American culture are impactful and powerful, not to mention funny. Thank you for valuing life and sacrificial love.
Thank you, Vince, for introducing me to the amazing Greenleaf team! Thank you to Justin, Dan, Sally, Nichole, Kimberly, Sam, Olivia, and Kristine. Working with the Greenleaf team has taught me so much. Corresponding with each of you, and learning about your unique gifts and talents has blessed me tremendously. I will never forget this experience, and I pray that God continues to go before each one of you and that you feel His love daily throughout your lives.
To all doctors, researchers, nutritionists, and therapists specializing in Alzheimer’s research—THANK YOU for helping find a cure.
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