Milk Eggs Vodka

by Bill Keaggy

  I love’s me some taco’s. Everyone who’s know’s me know’s that!

  Polish boy’s. WTF?!

  You thought oranges were good for vitamin C? Sweet green bell peppers have twice as much and the red and orange varieties have four times as much.

  It’s a bananapostrophe and a tortillapostrophe spotted together for the first time!

  Pabst beer won a prize at the Chicago Fair in 1893. From then on it was called Pabst Blue Ribbon.

  Triplicate! Good job! Or, one, two, three strikes—you’re out.

  Two out of four; that’s 50% correct. You funk shopping.

  It is rumored that the oldest known recipe is for beer.

  It’s not Cherrio’s, it’s Cheerios. Millions of dollars in marketing and branding shot to hell.

  The blue-green veins in blue cheese are mold—Penicillium roqueforti, Penicillium glaucum or another variation. Originally, it was a result of the cheese being produced in caves where the mold grew naturally. Unlike on bread, the mold spores made the cheese taste better.

  Just two cig? You don’t want a whole pack of cig’s?

  1923: Welch’s Grape Jelly is introduced.

  Oh! C’mon!

  I’m guessing 78% of this person’s life is spent adding apostrophes where none should be.

  Every year, Americans eat about 800 million pounds of regular bologna, which is a comical imitation of the original Italian sausage called Mortadella.

  8. CREATIVE RECYCLING

  notepads are for losers

  Why use notepaper when you can use scrap wood, an old piece of cardboard box, a losing lottery ticket or your 2001 tax form? Actually, it is a good idea to recycle when making your grocery list—despite the peculiar abundance of notepads that tout the wondrous effects of strangely named pharmaceuticals. Some tips: Use the back of a junk mail envelope. Use the back of ANYTHING. Just don’t use a notepad or envelope with your name on it, or anything that contains private information—because then I will know your credit card number and that you don’t know how to spell Danish Rolls (I’m talking to you, Donald M. from St. Louis!).

  OK, so now that you’ve wasted your money on another losing lottery ticket, maybe you should buy your family some food.

  The funny thing is, all of these beers cost more than $5 for a six-pack.

  Guess what Italian chef worked at the Plaza and the Ritz in New York City? There really was a Chef Boyardee, although his name was really Hector Boiardi.

  See? You can use just about anything, even the tag from an item of clothing.

  Bouillon cubes were first sold commercially in 1882 so poor people who could not afford meat could make more nutritious soups.

  If I were this person, the first thing I’d put on my list of things to buy would be “PAPER!” This wooden specimen was found at an organic farm. Of course.

  Both Bucyrus, Ohio, and Sheboygan, Wisconsin, claim to be the Bratwurst Capital of the World.

  If you work for your town’s Municipal Authority and you’re in charge of financial statements to be used as exhibits in a court case, maybe you shouldn’t use those documents to make your grocery list, then leave them at the store. Just maybe.

  Every American eats, on average, sixty pounds of bread a year.

  This is a good idea—just writing your list on a coupon. But the list doesn’t seem to include eggs.

  The making of raised bread dates back 6,000 years, but humans have only been buying and not using electric bread machines since the 1980s.

  Clever re-use of a coffee cup sleeve. But you spent $4.00 on coffee and saved a fraction of a cent on paper. Nice job!

  Otto Frederick Rohwedder has been called the Father of Sliced Bread. His early 20th century experiments resulted in a machine that could slice bread AND wrap it, which finally allowed the concept to catch on.

  I bet your glove compartment is full of potential grocery list paper (i.e. unused fast food napkins).

  Apple pie was a popular breakfast in rural homes in the 19th century. Far from being a treat, it was considered a hearty beginning to a day full of hard work.

  The corrugated cardboard grocery list is the manliest way to shop.

  Post Grape-Nuts cereal was introduced in 1897.

  The favor of a reply was requested, but the card got used for a grocery list instead!

  Broccoli is a member of the cabbage family.

  And the award for “Worst recycling Idea” goes to Nazia of california. congratulations Nazia, you’ve just won a lifetime supply of identity theft!

  Amazingly, the average American eats 4.5 pounds of broccoli every year. This is less than 20% of the amount of candy we consume annually.

  Here’s another bad idea: Using a bank deposit slip. With your name, address and phone on it. And, of course, your account number.

  Out of all the pens and scraps of paper lying around the house, you had to go and use a dark gray paint sample with black ink. What the hell is wrong with you?

  Splatter dabs: Cowboy slang for pancakes.

  The best way to save time, money and paper seems to be to use the newspaper circular itself. Genius!

  Butter has been dyed yellow for at least 700 years. People used to use marigolds.

  Or, if you’re the complete opposite of genius, use the back of your credit card’s “payment enclosed” form, account number and all. Once again, smooth move, Donald!

  Approximately 43,000 tons of food are thrown away every day in the U.S.

  9. DOODLES AND NOODLES

  the art of the found grocery list

  Not creatively satisfied with simply writing down “toilet paper, eggs, Pop-Tarts” some folks are compelled to doodle on their lists. Maybe it’s just a scribble; maybe it’s a complete self-portrait. I haven’t found any true masterpieces yet, but y’all keep trying!

  Cheeto balls and a bucket of hooch—two great tastes that taste great together.

  Prickly pear cactus is edible and is great in chili. Look for it in ethnic or specialty stores, usually referred to as nopalitos.

  This person always draws at least one of the items on her list. In this case, it’s ginger, or a fat cat with a stubby tail, or a small pile of poop.

  Yeah, this is the only sexy grocery list I’ve ever seen. Hello!

  Breakfast of champions? 12% of all soda sold in America is imbibed as—or with—breakfast.

  They say all children are artists, but I beg to differ.

  A Hummer H2 could be driven around the world 244 times on the excess calories Americans consume each year.

  (FRONT)

  The medal on Campbell’s Soups cans is actually a reference to a Gold Medal won by the soups at the Paris Exposition in 1900. The company’s famous condensed soup was invented in 1897.

  (BACK)

  “Attention shoppers: Demon in aisle five. Demon in aisle five.”

  General Foods chemists invented a way to put carbon dioxide in a solid back in the 1950s. They didn’t figure out how to take advantage of the process until the company started marketing Pop Rocks in the 1970s.

  Look, up in the sky! It’s Supershopperwoman and her amazing cans of soup.

  In 1900 Hershey’s invented its famous milk chocolate bar. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and Butterfinger bars date to 1923. Snickers came around in 1930 and Kit Kat in 1933. M&M’s were invented in 1940

  “I’m watching you shop!”

  “I want this type of spring chicken … the kind that looks like batteries.”

  The original Three Musketeers candy bars actually included three different bars in one package, each with their own flavor.

  “Please get a peeler when you go to the store. It looks like this.”

  Canned hams: First sold by Hormel in 1926.

  “I said, please get a peeler when you go to the store.

  Iceberg lettuce is 90% water and has very little flavor, and almost no nutrients.

  10. JUST ONE THING

  extremely short shopping lists

  Some lists are so short
you wonder why anyone even bothered to write down one or two items in the first place. Of course, I understand these lists function more as a reminder than a shopping list. We’re all so overwhelmed with information and things to do that it’s easy to forget the milk on the way home from work.

  But what I find funny is that people will make that short list, go to the store, carry the list into the store, find the one thing they want, and then leave the list in the cart. They were only buying one thing! Yet not only did they need to reference the list—they used a cart to haul that one item to the checkout! Ha! Funny, right? Oh, America, you amuse me.

  Yeah. So. You decided to have spaghetti for dinner. DID YOU REALLY NEED TO MAKE A LIST?

  I hate doing the laundry too, but at least I don’t need to be reminded of the two main ingredients. Of course, if you’re from Beverly h

  Canning of carbonated sodas began in 1938.

  Gets the trophy for Most Vague List Ever.

  Never make a shopping list that includes Marsala wine while listening to jazz.

  200 billion: The number of items of canned food produced worldwide every year.

  Would have been a perfect evening had they remembered “dough” and “porno.”

  Forgetful person in the mood for a snack.

  Caraway seeds are not seeds, but the small, ripe fruit of the caraway plant.

  Va-va-voom! Now we’re talking!

  Salt, milk and a stupid little notepad.

  Orange carrots were not developed until the 17th century. Previous carrots have been white, purple, red or yellow.

  SHOPPING FOR TROUBLE

  Retail manager Don (“Just Don”) has found many discarded shopping lists in his Maryland market over the years, but this one is special. It’s more than just a short, strange shopping list—it’s a shopLIFTing list.

  As Don posted to his weblog: “What is interesting about these shopping lists are that they are always dropped by a serial shoplifter on his way out of the store. The items on his lists are what he steals. So he is planning his thefts ahead of time.”

  Another strange fact about this fellow, an elderly gentleman dubbed “The Cigarette/DVD Guy,” is that he scrawls these shoplifting lists on the back of business cards. Don doesn’t know if the person on the card is the shoplifter, but he’s anticipating Cigarette/DVD Guy’s next visit: “If he ever does return I’m stopping him and banning him from the store. I am actually looking forward to him showing up again since I keep one of his dropped cards in my wallet at all times. If and when I see him again, I’m going to call the number that is on the face of the business card and see if the cell phone on his belt rings.”

  Don imagines the following conversation might ensue …

  Don: “Hey … yeah. Is this [name redacted]? How are you doing today?”

  Shoplifter: “Uhhh … I’m fine. Who is this?”

  Don: “The store manager. Right behind you.” Waves and smiles. “Get out of the store and don’t return, please. Thanks.”

  The cash register was invented by James Ritty, of Dayton, Ohio, in order to prevent employee theft.

  The least healthy breakfast I have ever seen.

  About 2% of adults and 8% of children have a food allergy.

  No doubt purchased in order to attach grocery lists to forehead.

  If I were going to make a list with just one thing on it, this wouldn’t be it.

  Regular sliced bacon is .062 inches thick (1/16 inch), 16-20 slices per pound. Thin sliced bacon is .031 inches thick (1/32 Inch), 28-32 slices per pound, and thick sliced bacon is .111 inches thick (1/8 Inch), 10-14 slices per pound.

  It’s ironic that green tea is supposed to be good for your memory, isn’t it?

  Seems like the longest possible way to say “hot dogs.” Six words for one item!

  Tomato ketchup debuted around the end of the 18th century.

  Blecchhhhhh!

  OK, einstein.

  That 12 oz. aluminum can you’re drinking from? Royal Crown Cola introduced it in 1964. Coca-Cola took another three years to get on board.

  It’s taco night at the old folks home. I love taco night.

  Swiss chemist Jacques Brandenberger invented cellophane sometime around 1910.

  Dairy. Snot rags. Done.

  Because “Desitin Crunchy” would be wrong in so many ways. Well, just one way, but you get my point.

  January 6 is National Bean Day.

  You needed a list for the two most clichéd grocery store items in the entire history of the universe?

  Straight-edge caffeine freak?

  Zest is the colored outermost skin layer of citrus fruits. Zest is highly perfumed and is rich in flavonoids, bioflavonoids, and limonoids.

  11. YOU’RE SO VAGUE

  “supper, dinner, food, stuff …”

  Whenever I find a list that has “supper” or “dinner” or “food” written on it, I picture the meals from The Simpsons. As if “dinner” was a blobby monochromatic product that comes in a plain box stamped “Dinner.”

  Dinner—or Powerade? Tough choice.

  Wisconsin’s 1.3 million dairy cows produce a year’s supply of milk for nearly 42 million people, butter for 68 million, and cheese for 86 million.

  The only thing missing seems to be “breakfast food.”

  Meals? Yes, maybe you should get some meals.

  What are frequently called yams, especially in the Southern U.S., are in fact sweet potatoes The two are not related, even though they look similar and are used in pretty much the same way.

  “Dinners.” Yummy, delicious dinners.

  Well, you gotta have priorities. Snacks will probably beat out salad and lunch every time.

  Kiwifruits have more than twice the vitamin C of oranges, as much potassium as bananas, and are a good source of magnesium, fiber and vitamin E. They have only 45 calories each.

  So I guess that means the hot dogs are for dinner.

  If you run out of confectioner’s sugar, you can make a good substitute by putting some regular sugar in a blender with a pinch of cornstarch.

  Make up your mind! Do you want four lunches or two lunches?

  Yeast, used in baking and brewing, is a single-celled fungus.

  Who cares about “supper” when you can have “buster?”

  White chocolate originates from the cocoa (cacao) plant, but it is not “chocolate.” Because it contains no cocoa solids, it is considered “white confectionary coating.”

  STURDY REMINDER: GROCERY LIST DECOUPAGE TABLE

  A couple years ago I got an e-mail from a grocerylists.org reader named Rose McKee, who was working in a grocery store in Austin, Texas. Admitting that she was the forgetful type, she decided to decoupage a kitchen table with grocery lists she had found discarded at the store. The idea being that before she went shopping she would sit at the table to make her list and have a handy suggestion guide right in front of her. Much better than going shopping for “lunch stuff” or “dinner.” Yay for Rose!

  The residents of Salt Lake City eat more lime-flavored gelatin than any other city in the U.S.

  “Mexican or Southern dinner”—because they’re so similar.