by Bill Keaggy
Approximately 8% of Californians are vegetarians.
Supper? What is this thing you call supper? I will have cheese instead.
Some supper for the bird, and some supper for me.
Montpelier, Vermont, is the only U.S. state capital without a McDonald’s restaurant.
Ahem, just don’t eat that dinner before your colon checkup. (Fleet Bowel Prep. is a product for patients about to undergo endoscopy.)
Fruit, dinner, weed killer.
Xanthan gum is made by the fermentation of corn sugar. It is most commonly used as a stabilizer, emulsifier and thickener in dairy foods such as yogurt, sour cream and salad dressings.
“Supper food.”
Vernor’s Ginger Ale was the first soda pop made in the U.S. It was created in Detroit, Michigan, in 1866 by James Vernor. He sold it in his drug store for thirty years before opening a factory.
At first you think the list is odd because the only food item on it is, well, “food.” Then you read the rest: “These internal adament (sic) ‘screams’ tug at my gut. I am nauseated. I want to throw up my congested black honey on these criyed-face biting-wasp (sic).” Also, “Joseph is a big blue elephant.”
In 1939 the seedless watermelon was developed by treating the unpollinated flowers of watermelons with a type of acid.
12. ORGANIZED LISTS
O.C.D. at the S.T.O.R.E.
Grocery shopping must be pure joy for the obsessive-compulsive. Aisle after aisle of precisely arranged products grouped into categories and neatly stacked on clean shelves. Some uber-organized shoppers sort their lists by aisle. Others use a pre-formatted master list so they can just check off the things they need without having to write much down. Strangely, efficiency and laziness actually go quite well together, like pickles and peanut butter.
The ultimate basic grocery shopping organizational tool: A pre-planned list that includes quantities, specific products and price points, printed onto an envelope that holds your coupons. Simple, but very effective.
Margarine was developed in 1869 by Hippolyte Mége-Mouriés, a French chemist. Napoleon III had offered a prize for a butter substitute for his army and navy, because butter spoiled easily.
“I’m very organized. I clip the coupons to my list so I don’t forget to give them to the cashier.” Oops.
U.S. consumers spend more than 12 billion dollars a year on vitamins and dietary supplements.
The shopping list as weekly menu planner. Nice!
W.F. Semple of Mount Vernon, Ohio, patented chewing gum in 1869.
If you forget a writing utensil when you go to the store, tearing through each item as you pick it up can help you keep track of what you’ve already got in your cart.
Americans eat over 300,000 tons of yogurt each year.
THE ULTIMATEST GROCERY LIST
I made this grocery list just for you. It’s the best grocery list ever made. You will find that your shopping experience is much more satisfying when you go to the store organized and prepared. You can either photocopy the next page or go to www.grocerylists.org to download the file as a printable PDF. Enjoy!
Developed by Rudolph Boysen in the early 1930s, the boysenberry is a cross between a loganberry, red raspberry and blackberry.
So organized. So obsessive! And you so forgot the frozen foods!
Almost 40% of the orange crop in the U.S. goes to make frozen concentrate.
Sometimes even the simplest things need to be written down. Like the names of family members, and your favorite brands of yucky beers.
In 1995 Nabisco produced 16 billion Oreo cookies at its factory in Chicago, Illinois, the largest of its kind in the world.
Who’d have though that squiggly lines would ADD order to a grocery list?
Vidalia onions, by law, can only be grown in twenty Georgia counties.
They’re so organized they’ve dispatched car No. 1 and car No. 2 out on shopping trips. But both of them are coming back with water bottles.
Olive trees may live to be 1,500 years old; the average life span is about 500 years.
One way to be sure you buy the right kind of ribbon is to snip a piece and staple it to your shopping list. Another way is to … well, I guess there is no other way.
The shopping cart is called a “trolley” in the U.K.
I suppose one way to make sure you don’t forget anything for the recipe is to bring the recipe to the store.
Chesapeake Bay oyster production in the late 19th century was over 111 million pounds; in 1980 it was 22 million pounds; in 1990 it was less than 4 million pounds.
It pays to be organized when you’re on a budget.
Tea bags were first used commercially in 1904. Thomas Sullivan of New York first used them to send samples to his customers instead of sealing the tea in more expensive tins.
13. YE OLDE STYLE
the lists of the elderly
There’s more than one way to spot an elderly person. It’s not just that they look, well, old. It’s their grocery lists. The lists of the elderly are almost always written in shaky capital letters. They almost always include prices; only old people have enough time to read every grocery store ad in the newspaper, then compare them. And they all include sweets. Because at that age, the last thing you’re worrying about is your teeth. I think when you get old enough you forget what teeth are, until you see nice ones, which just makes you grumpy. Anyway. When I’m old, this will be my grocery list, every day: corn dogs, pizza rolls, whole milk, steak, Whatchamacallit candy bars, moisturizing lotion, Southern Comfort, Lucky Strikes (filters).
Unfortunately, I won’t live to be very old, because that really is my grocery list (minus the Lucky Strikes, which I can’t wait to start smoking again when I get old).
Old people like cookies.
Malt-O-Meal, prune juice, a vanity stool, hemorrhoidal suppositories. Old person!
Tollet paper is purported to have been in use in China in A.D. 875 – although it was also supposedly “invented” in 1857 by Joseph Gayetty of New York.
Honestly, the only thing written on this list that I can decipher is “fish eye,” and I don’t know what the hell that means.
In 1903, James L. Kraft, with a rented cart and $65 in capital, began a wholesale cheese business in Chicago. The company introduced Cheez Whiz in 1952.
A short history of grocery lists
Speaking of old things, some of the oldest surviving grocery lists are in the collection of The British Museum. They are part of a large set of ancient documents called the Vindolanda writing tablets, excavated from the Roman fort at Vindolanda in Northern England, just south of Hadrian’s Wall. The lists, found in 1973 with a great number of other Latin documents in a soggy trash pile, date to the 1st century a.d. A few of the postcard-sized pieces of wood can be considered grocery lists. Vindol-anda Tablet 203, Leaf No. 1 (shown below) has been translated as: “… bruised beans, two modii, chickens, twenty, a hundred apples, if you can find nice ones, a hundred or two hundred eggs, if they are for sale there at a fair price…. 8 sextarii of fish-sauce … a modius of olives …” As I mentioned before, that sounds pretty familiar (aside from the Latin) despite the passage of two millennia.
My collection contains nothing so historically significant. I have a list from Pennsylvania from 1974. And I have the notepad of a woman who catalogued every penny she spent or received, including foodstuffs, carfare and room and board, for the year 1905. But nothing really impressive—like the 1465 grocery list of George Neville, Archbishop of York. When he was installed he held a feast, and what a feast it was. According to a 2005 New York Times book review of Charlemagne’s Tablecloth by Nichola Fletcher, Neville’s list called for “1,000 sheep, 7,000 capons, 1,000 egrets, 400 peacocks and 103 cold venison pasties. In all, 42,833 items of meat and poultry were served …”
© the British Museum.
Okra is native to tropical areas of Africa.
Female asparagus stalks are plumper than male stalks.
Dental t
ape. Nice handwriting for an old person, though.
Twinkles snack cakes were invented in 1930 by James Dewar, of the Continental Baking Company in Chicago.
Old people like ice cream.
Old people like cakes.
Tang, a powdered orange drink, was introduced by General Foods Corporation in 1959. NASA added Tang I to the galley of the Gemini astronauts, and in July 1969 it traveled to the Moon on the Apollo mission.
I think old people like ham, too.
Old people like all sorts of medicines.
Tomato juice is the official state beverage of Ohio.
“Back in my day, we didn’t have ditto marks. We had to write mushroom soup twice! And we liked it.”
And, of course, old people just LOVE pills in general.
90% of the United States’ toothpick supply is produced in Maine.
14 PLANET OF FOOD
grocery lists with a worldly flair
It’s no surprise that the human diet has adapted and expanded over the years based on what’s available (and moderately yummy). And despite the fact that centuries of world travel and decades of mass-production have spread processed and preserved foods across the globe, modern local cultures retain a certain amount of uniqueness. For example, I live in St. Louis, where it’s not uncommon to find a grocery list featuring “toasted ravioli.” But I’ve never seen a list from Australia that features that unlikely Midwestern specialty. Of course, I have yet to find a list in St. Louis that includes “Vegemite,” like those from Down Under. And while St. Louis loves us some “gooey butter cake,” “tinapay” is the more popular pastry in the Philippines. Just remember that even though the U.S. Senate doesn’t want Americans to recite the Pledge of Allegiance in a foreign tongue, it can’t stop you from shopping in Spanish. Or Arabic. Or Polish. Let’s take a quick trip around the world and peek in on the planet’s pantry.
This list was found in Australia: Oh. My. God. They eat “poo” Down Under!
Raw olives are not edible, green or ripe, and must be treated with lye and/or cured in brine or dry salt. They contain about 20% oil.
In Spanish (found in Chicago): Fried fish, garbanzo beans, roasted meat, loin, garbanzo beans, tomato paste, laurel, meat, eggs, yogurt, olive, cheese, Swiffer, sponges, washing machine soap, apples, pears, broccoli, spinach, rosemary.
More land is farmed in Texas than in any other state.
In German (found in St. Louis): Oil, sugar, rolls, salami, cheese, yogurt, eggs. You can tell this one is German, because it just looks so darn German!
From the Philippines: This one is fun because Filipino words are fun!
More than 90% of the rainbow trout sold in the U.S. is farm raised.
In Polish (found in Chicago): White sausage, unknown, sauerkraut, cake, pound cake.
In Spanish (found in St. Louis): Mayonnaise, milk, cottage cheese, Alka Seltzer, plum juice, cheese, fruit.
There really was a Hidden Valley Ranch. It was a resort in California, and it was there that ranch dressing was “invented” sometime in the 1950s.
In Arabic (found in Pittsburgh): Heck, I can’t read Arabic. I don’t even know if this is a grocery list!
Americans eat 400 million pounds of radishes each year, most of which is consumed in salads.
From the U.K.: Busted by “mince and nappies.” Otherwise, a perfectly basic American list.
The first ready-mix food to be sold commercially was Aunt Jemima pancake flour, introduced in 1889.
In Turkish (found in Chicago): Unknown, flower, red sugar, cream cheese, mayonnaise, vase, aroma, unknown aroma.
From parts unknown: Is this an entirely new, as yet unknown, language? Is it code? Or is it just some damn sloppy handwriting?
15. HEALTHY (AND HYGIENIC) LISTS
or, is that an organic banana in your pocket?
The organic food market is growing rapidly. As we learn more and more about pesticides, preservatives and nutrition, more and more people are choosing to go natural. According to a recent MSNBC report, the organic food industry has seen an annual growth rate of around 17 to 20% over the last several years while the traditional food industry has increased at a rate of just 2 to 3%. But health isn’t just about eating the right things. Good hygiene and helpful medicines are important as well. Have a look …
Oh, you were doing so well! Wheat gluten, wheat germ, lecithin, natural peanut butter and “organic fun stuff.” Then we flip over your list and find “lard.” Shame on you!
The Piggly Wiggly grocery chain started in Memphis, Tennessee in 1916.
“Green stuff”
Fruits that float in Jell-O: fresh fruit such as bananas, citrus sections, sliced peaches, apples and fruit in light syrup.
I guess frozen organics are better than no organics.
Turmeric is the root of a tropical plant that has been used in cooking since 600 B.C.
So healthy and chemical free. This list makes me feel polluted.
Needed: new pantyhose, laundry detergent and post-menstrual douche. I get the feeling someone had a very bad day.
In West Virginia, if you hit an animal with your car, you can take it home and cook it for dinner. A law passed in 1998 lets drivers keep their roadkill, as long as they report it within twelve hours.
IS IT ORGANIC?
You don’t always have to go to specialty shops or farmer’s markets for fresh organic produce. You can tell if the goods have been grown organically by looking at the PLU (Price Look-Up) sticker. Most produce has one of these stickers and if the sticker has a five-digit number that starts with “9,” then it’s an organic product. If the sticker shows a four-digit number then the produce has been grown using conventional farming methods, which usually include pesticides.
Nobody’s getting any sleep in that house.
A word of advice if you want to stay healthy: stay away from the “cheap meat.”
Ground beef should be used within two days of purchase. Frozen at 0° F, it will last up to three months.
Gala Colon Cleanser—as if cleaning out your ass was even remotely similar to throwing a giant party.
Quick breads (chemically leavened) were not developed until the end of the 18th century. Up until that time, to make light baked goods, you had to beat air into the dough with eggs or egg whites, or by using yeast (or beer).
Attacked by viruses AND bacteria. Might as well smoke up.
“UGLI fruit” is a trademarked name for a cross between a grapefruit and a tangerine that originated in Jamaica, most likely as a natural hybrid.
(BACK)
This is pure speculation, but I imagine it’s no fun to travel the world with an itchy vagina. Nice vacation photo on the other side, though!
Rhubarb, a relative of buckwheat, is considered a vegetable but is most often treated as a fruit—though it’s rarely eaten raw or unsweetened. But don’t eat the leaves! They can be poisonous because they contain oxalate and another unknown toxin.
(FRONT)
Jicama is the edible starchy, tuberous root of a South American vine of the bean family.
16. EATING WRONG
Nutritional No-Nos
Healthy may be good for some, but unhealthy is the choice for most of us. Trans-saturated fats? Yum! Processed foods? More please! Yes, it’s no wonder that government studies indicate that approximately 64% of Americans are overweight or obese. That’s insane. The Centers for Disease Control reports that the one-two punch of poor nutrition and an inactive lifestyle is quickly catching up with tobacco as a cause of death in the U.S. We eat like crap—and our waistlines, our health and our grocery lists prove it. I’m no exception. I love bad food and I know I should eat better. But at least I don’t eat as poorly as these folks. Quick, let’s have some chuckles over these unhealthy shopping lists before one of you drops dead.
You forgot “mustard” and “coronary.”