by Susannah Nix
“I thought I was in love. So when he wanted to move here to pursue acting, I followed him—stupidly, as it turned out. He moved out here ahead of me while I was still waiting for my telework application to be approved. I was so excited. It was supposed to be the start of our new lives together. But when I got out here a couple months later, I found out he’d started seeing someone else. An actress, of course.” Penny still couldn’t believe that Brendon had let her move out here instead of breaking up with her before she disrupted her entire life for him. Even that one small consideration had been too much for him. “He dumped me a month after I got here.” She felt Caleb go still, and flinched in anticipation of his pity. “Don’t feel sorry for me. I hate it when people feel sorry for me.”
“I don’t.” He lifted her chin again and regarded her steadily. “I feel sorry for that asshole who didn’t know how lucky he was to have you.” There wasn’t a trace of pity in his soft brown eyes. Only affection.
“Now you’re just sucking up.”
“I’m serious. Any guy who’d cheat on you must not be working with a fully charged battery. Including that loser Kenneth.”
Penny sighed and laid her head down on his chest. “Unfortunately, cheating boyfriends are a recurring theme in my life.”
“So why didn’t you move back home?” Caleb asked, changing the subject.
“Stubbornness.” Her fingers toyed with the light dusting of hair on his chest. “Running back to Virginia with my tail between my legs would have been admitting to everyone I’d made a mistake. I wanted to prove I could make it on my own in a new city.”
Penny had promised herself she’d give it two years. That was long enough that she wouldn’t look like a quitter. After two years in Los Angeles, she could consider applying for a supervisory position back in DC. Or maybe even transfer to Dallas. There was a satellite office there now that was always looking for Chem-Es. She could start over in a new city of her own choosing this time.
“Do you still regret moving here?”
“Not so much. It’s better now that I’ve made friends.”
“But you still miss your family.”
She nodded against his chest. “Every day.”
He tightened his arm around her, and she nuzzled her face into his throat. When he held her like this she didn’t feel homesick at all. She felt like she was exactly where she belonged.
“I couldn’t wait to get away from my family,” Caleb said quietly. “I know this place is a dump, but the fact that it’s not on an army post and my dad is a hundred and sixty miles away makes it feel like a resort.”
Penny lifted her head and touched his cheek. “I guess that’s why you don’t have any pictures of your family.”
His jaw tightened. “I do have one, actually. I just don’t have it sitting out.” He shifted her off him and got up. She was afraid she’d upset him until he started rifling through a drawer in the desk. He pulled out another framed photo and handed it to her.
It was from Caleb’s high school graduation. He wore a serious expression with his navy blue gown and National Honor Society collar. His two younger brothers flanked him in ties, looking miserable. Caleb’s father stood a little to one side in his uniform, glowering at the camera. The only one smiling was Caleb’s mother, standing rigidly at the other end of the photo. She was small-boned and petite, with perfectly coiffed hair. None of his family were touching or standing close. They were lined up like grim little soldiers, their postures ramrod straight and their hands at their sides.
“Your dad does look a little like Colonel Kurtz,” she said.
“You said you hadn’t seen Apocalypse Now.”
“I looked it up on Wikipedia.”
Caleb took the photo from her and stared at it. His lips compressed into a taut line. “My dad’s not quiet or kind like yours.”
She slid her fingers into his hand and bit down on her lip to keep herself from asking anything more.
His fingers curled around hers. “He likes to give orders and expects everyone to follow. All that matters is what he wants. If you don’t live up to his expectations, he blows up.”
“He was abusive.” It wasn’t a question. Whether or not his father had laid a hand on him, it was clear Caleb had been left with deep scars.
There was a long silence, during which the only sound was his uneven breathing. She stroked her thumb over his knuckles, trying to soothe some of the tension away.
“Yes,” he said finally. He shook his head like he was trying to shake off the memories. “It could have been worse though. Lots of people have it worse.”
Very gently, Penny took the photo from him and studied it more closely. “You don’t look anything like your father.”
Caleb grimaced. “That’s not what my mother says.”
“You look more like a young Zac Efron in this photo. And Zac Efron could never play Colonel Kurtz. He’s got much too sweet of a face.”
She was rewarded with a faint smile. “Is that your roundabout way of trying to compliment me?”
“It’s not roundabout. Zac Efron is an international heartthrob.”
“Is that an official title? Is there some sort of nomination process or a panel of judges that bestow international heartthrob status?”
She leaned forward and gave him a slow, lingering kiss. His hands came up to cup her face, holding her gingerly. Like she might shatter if he held on too tightly.
Orange afternoon light slanted in through the blinds, picking up the highlights in Caleb’s hair and bathing his skin in a golden glow. He was so beautiful she couldn’t believe he was real.
He was a hero from a Greek myth come to life and somehow she had made him hers—but only for a little while. Their story wasn’t a fairy tale, or even one of Shakespeare’s comedies where the couple winds up together in the end. They were a tragedy. Maybe not as tragic as Hamlet, where everybody dies, or Oedipus, who kicked off a whole cycle of misery and disaster. But they were tragic enough.
Penny knew, as certainly as she knew the sun would set in the west, that she was going to be shattered when Caleb left. And she had no one to blame but herself.
Chapter Twenty
They didn’t go back to Caleb’s house anymore by mutual agreement. Now that Penny had seen it for herself, she could understand why he preferred to spend his time at her apartment.
When they weren’t having sex like it was going out of style, they watched a lot of television together. For someone who didn’t own a TV or even have an internet connection at his house, Caleb seemed to like television an awful lot.
His things started collecting at Penny’s apartment. His toothbrush and deodorant moved into her bathroom. A gargantuan tub of protein powder squatted on her kitchen counter. The second of his hoodies joined the first in her closet, along with several of his shirts. Then on Thursday, he brought his laundry over to use the machines in her building, and now those clothes lived in her bedroom as well. His shirts and jeans hung on her hangers, his underwear and socks occupied the basket which became a semi-permanent fixture in the corner of the room, and his dirty clothes mingled with hers in her hamper.
They seemed to be failing miserably at the no-strings thing.
Not that Penny was complaining—but she’d had serious, long-term relationships that hadn’t moved this fast. Caleb had effectively moved in with her, and the ease and speed with which they’d integrated their lives rattled her whenever she stopped to think about it.
So she chose not to think about it. As a strategy, denial was working pretty well for her.
Penny continued to be astonished by how much she and Caleb had in common. Besides having enough physical chemistry to power the next SpaceX launch, they’d read a lot of the same books, laughed in all the same places at the TV shows they watched, and shared the same political views. She wasn’t just wildly attracted to his body; she actually liked him.
Plus, Caleb knew how to cook and cared about eating healthy. In her previous relationships,
balancing her food preferences with her boyfriends’ unhealthy ones had been a perilous minefield that frequently resulted in Penny settling for a dry chicken breast or wilted salad at whatever burger joint or wing place she’d been wheedled into patronizing. But meals with Caleb were an entirely different proposition. Rather than undermining her good habits, he reinforced them.
She’d sworn never to cook for a man again, but cooking with a man was different. They compared favorite recipes, planned and shopped for meals together, and prepared the food side-by-side in her small—but immaculately clean—kitchen. Caleb didn’t just pull his own weight in the kitchen; his proficiency even surpassed hers in some areas. A stint working in the kitchen at Applebee’s had left him with some impressive sous-chefing skills. The man diced onions with a dexterity that was downright sexual.
Penny loved to watch his hands as he worked. The gentle precision with which he held the knife handle as the blade flashed left her lightheaded and drooling. More than once they’d had to put their meal prep on hold while she dragged him into the bedroom.
At present, he was pounding a trio of chicken breasts into submission with a meat tenderizer—which was also weirdly a turn-on—while Penny sliced tomatoes for the caprese salad. The fabric of his plaid shirt pulled tight across his broad shoulders as he worked, and he had the sleeves rolled and pushed up to his elbows. The sight of his forearms tensing as he hammered the meat presented an unfair distraction. Instead of paying attention to where her blade was going, she was ogling the man in her kitchen.
“Fudge nuggets!” Penny exclaimed as the knife cut into her index finger. “Son of a biscuit.”
“Did you cut yourself?” Caleb asked, abandoning his tenderizer to rush to her side. “How bad?”
“It’s fine,” she said, squeezing her injured finger to stanch the bleeding.
“Let me see.”
She pulled her hand back, cradling it against her chest. “You’ve been handling raw chicken.”
“Come on, then.” He nudged her toward the sink with his elbow and washed his hands thoroughly with antibacterial soap before reaching for her. “Put it under the water and let’s see how bad it is.”
It wasn’t too bad, but it was right next to the fingernail and hurt like the dickens. Caleb’s fingertips gingerly prodded the area around the wound as he examined it, and once again Penny was impressed by how gentle his big, rough hands could be.
“No stitches necessary.” He shut off the water and tore off a paper towel that he pressed against her finger. “Hold this in place while I get you a Band-Aid.”
While he headed off to the bathroom in search of first aid supplies, Penny tried to remember the last time someone other than her mother had fussed over her like this, and came up blank. It felt nice to be the one taken care of for a change.
Caleb came back and peeled the blood-soaked paper towel away from her finger, frowning in concentration as he tended her injury. As she watched him, an unfamiliar sensation unfolded in her chest. It expanded, filling up all the empty spaces, and making her feel lighter than air.
I love him.
She’d thought she’d been in love before, but she’d never felt anything like this for any man she’d dated. She’d exchanged I love yous and pictured weddings and children down the road, but she’d never once felt this sort of desperate, possessive urgency. This certainty. This pain.
“You all right?” Caleb asked, peering at her with worried eyes. “You look a little dazed. You’re not phobic about blood, are you?”
She shook her head, too shaken to form words.
“There,” he said softly, kissing her finger once he’d finished wrapping the bandage around it. “All better.”
“My big, strong hero.” She leaned forward to kiss him, her lips lingering on his. Savoring every breath while she still could.
He wrapped his arms around her, drawing her close. “You sure you’re okay?” He pulled back to look at her with a frown. “You’re shaking.”
“I guess I scared myself a little.” She tried to give him a reassuring smile.
His eyes crinkled with concern and he reached up to trace a finger over her lips. “You should be more careful.”
She wound her arms around his waist and rested her cheek against his chest. “I know.”
* * *
Sunday was Mother’s Day, and Caleb had gone back to his house to work out while Penny was at the nursing home. The administrators had planned a party for the residents, and Penny brought cupcakes decorated with pink buttercream roses. Despite the attempt at cheer, it was a melancholy occasion for the mothers whose children hadn’t visited, and others who were remembering mothers who had long since passed.
As soon as it was over, Penny FaceTimed her mother from the parking lot of the nursing home.
“Happy Mother’s Day!” she said when her mother’s face appeared on the screen. Margaret Popplestone was round and soft with short brown hair mostly gone to gray and Penny’s hazel eyes. Her hair was done and she was wearing makeup, but she’d already changed out of her church clothes and into an old T-shirt—one Penny got her five years ago that said I’m silently correcting your grammar. “How was brunch?”
Penny’s siblings had taken Margaret out to a Mother’s Day brunch buffet after church, like they always did. This was the second year in a row Penny had missed it.
Her mother’s face moved out of frame for a moment as she pulled her legs up under her on the couch. “Dana’s baby is teething and Cassie’s oldest dropped her father’s iPhone into the fountain at the restaurant.” The smile that lit her face was absolutely sincere. “It was lovely.”
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there,” Penny said.
“Your presence was missed, as always. Have I mentioned lately how proud I am of you for sticking it out in Los Angeles on your own?”
“Not in the last seven days, no.” Penny lowered the phone to rest it on the steering wheel. The angle was dreadful—she probably had four chins from this perspective—but it was too uncomfortable to hold it higher for any length of time.
“Well, I am.” Margaret leaned out of frame again and reappeared with a bundle of knitting. “You took a bad situation and you made lemonade out of it.”
Penny made a wry face. “That’s me. Out here on the West Coast, swimming in sour water.”
Her mother glanced up from the knitting she was arranging over her lap. It looked like it might be a sweater, or possibly a blanket. “Oh, dear. Someone’s got a case of the mopes. What brought this on?”
“Nothing.”
“Don’t lie to your mother.” She directed her patented disapproving teacher look at the camera. “Especially on Mother’s Day. You earn triple demerits for that.”
Penny shook her head. “I didn’t call you to complain about my life. Tell me what’s going on with you.”
“You already know what’s going on with me. It’s the same things that are always going on. Now tell me what’s got my baby down in the dumps.”
“A boy,” Penny admitted with a sigh.
Margaret nodded as she arranged the stitches on her needles. “Are you still upset about Kenneth?”
“No, definitely not. I’m way over him. This is someone new.”
“Oh!” Her mother’s eyes lifted in excitement. “A new boy! Do tell.”
“Technically, I’ve known him for a while. I just got to know him recently.”
“Who is he? What’s his name?”
“Caleb. He’s a barista at that coffee shop by my house.”
“Interesting,” her mother said, looking back down at her knitting.
“He’s not just a barista,” Penny said in response to her unspoken critique.
“I wasn’t judging.” She was a little, but Penny let it go.
“He’s about to start medical school. You’d like him, actually.”
Margaret had never liked a single one of Penny’s boyfriends—which, in fairness, had turned out to be justified in every case. She’d n
ever come right out and said so, of course, but Penny could always tell. When her mother disliked someone, she became even more polite than usual. Thank goodness she’d never had a chance to meet Kenneth, or she might have smothered him to death with good manners.
Margaret lifted an eyebrow. “A younger man, eh?”
“He took a gap year, but yeah. A little younger.”
“So what’s the problem with this young doctor-in-the-making? Why does he have you feeling sad?”
“He’s moving away. In less than two weeks.”
Her mother’s lips pursed. “Hmmm. How far away?”
Penny was glad Margaret was knitting. It was easier to talk about it when she didn’t have to look her directly in the eye. “Mississippi.”
“Oh no. That’s fairly dire.”
“It’s where he’s going to med school.” Penny bit her lip. “He told me up front that we only had a month before he left and it would be better not to get involved.”
“And?”
“And I thought I could handle it. I thought I could spend time with him without getting attached.”
Her mother looked into the camera, her head tilted to one side. “Oh, Penny. My sweet girl, you get attached to disposable food storage containers.”
“I liked him, Mom. He’s gorgeous—like seriously, unbelievably gorgeous—and really sweet once you get to know him. And he actually liked me back. I just wanted…” She looked down at her lap, too embarrassed to say the words aloud.
“You wanted to feel liked by a cute boy,” her mother supplied for her. “Particularly after Kenneth bruised your self-esteem, I’d imagine. That’s all right. It’s what rebound relationships were invented for.”
Penny clenched the steering wheel with the hand that wasn’t holding the phone. “That’s what I thought at first, but it’s not like that with Caleb. It’s not like anything I’ve ever felt before.”
Margaret’s sharp eyes shifted to study the digital image of Penny’s face on her screen. “You love him.”
“Yes.” Penny’s shoulders sagged. “I didn’t mean to, it just happened.”