Advanced Physical Chemistry

by Susannah Nix

  Her mother smiled faintly. “That’s usually how love works.”

  “And now he’s leaving and I can’t do anything about it.”

  “No.” Her mother’s tone was somber and compassionate. “You can’t.”

  “I never should have let myself get close to him. It was a huge mistake.” Penny’s fingers were getting pins and needles from squeezing the steering wheel so hard. She pried them off and shook out her hand to get the blood flowing again.

  Her mother clucked sympathetically. “Sometimes you have to follow where your heart leads you.”

  “Even if it's headed straight to heartbreak town?”

  Margaret shrugged. “A little heartbreak builds character.”

  “You mean scar tissue.”

  “Po-tay-to, po-tah-to,” her mother said lightly. “No one’s ever died of heartbreak, is my point.”

  “Romeo and Juliet did.”

  Margaret’s lip curled as she let out a derisive snort. “Romeo and Juliet died from being insufferable idiots. They'd have been much better off if they'd built up a little more scar tissue.”

  Penny smiled despite herself. Her mother had always hated that particular one of Shakespeare’s plays—and the fact that it was a required part of the district’s curriculum. “So what you’re saying is it’s actually a good thing I’ve fallen in love with a man I’m going to lose in twelve days.”

  Her mother’s expression softened, causing a knot of homesickness to form in the pit of Penny’s stomach. “Love is never a bad thing, sweetheart.”

  Penny shook her head to cover her emotions. “As if there were ever any doubts where I get my optimism from.”

  “Pfft. I’m a realist, thank you very much,” Margaret said. “I’m not trying to sugarcoat this: it’s going to hurt like the devil. But you’ve got a sensible head and a strong heart. You’ll come through it tougher than you went into it.”

  “And tough’s supposed to be an improvement?” Penny asked uncertainly.

  “For a sweet soul like yours? Tough is a critical survival skill.”

  * * *

  “What about a going-away party?” Penny asked Caleb that night as they were eating dinner. She was great at planning parties, and it would give her something to focus on besides his imminent departure. A way of building up her armor.

  His face twisted into a scowl as he stabbed at his turkey meatloaf. “Hell no.”

  “Why not?”

  “I hate being the center of attention. Besides, who would even come? It’s not like anyone’s going to miss me.”

  “I’m going to miss you,” Penny said.

  Caleb looked up and their eyes locked across the table for a moment before he looked down at his plate again. “Besides you.”

  “Roxanne will miss you.”

  “Only until she hires my replacement.”

  “Malik and Elyse, then.”

  “They’ll miss that I’m usually the one to take the trash out to the dumpster.”

  “Your roommates?”

  He snorted. “Yeah, nope.”

  “Your regular customers will miss you. Charlotte, and Anita with the baby, and that lady who brings her dog. Not to mention everyone in my knitting group.”

  Caleb wasn’t buying it. “They’ll all forget about me as soon as I’m gone. The only person besides you who might care is George, and he’s leaving too. Stop trying to make a party happen.”

  “But—”

  “I’m serious,” he said, starting to sound annoyed. “No party. Promise me.”

  “Fine.” So much for Operation Distraction. She turned her attention back to her mashed sweet potatoes, trying not to pout, but pouting a little anyway.

  “Hey,” Caleb said softly, and she looked up to find his expression had gentled. “It’s a sweet thought and I appreciate the offer. I just don’t want a party. Okay?”

  Penny nodded, her sullenness fading into understanding. “Okay.”

  After dinner, they did the dishes together and watched another couple episodes of Brooklyn Nine-Nine—only thirteen left before they finished—until snuggling in front of the TV turned into making out in front of the TV, which eventually turned heated enough that they retired to the bedroom.

  It was their usual routine, one they’d fallen into as easily and naturally as breathing. Penny could barely even remember how she’d spent her evenings before Caleb. It was like she’d been holding a spot open for him in her life, and he’d come along and slotted himself into it. A perfect fit.

  Hours later, when they both should have been asleep, Penny lay on her side staring at the digital clock on her nightstand. Watching the minutes tick away into hours, which would turn into days, which would be gone before she knew it.

  She felt Caleb shift in bed behind her, and then his hand glided over her hip. “Why aren’t you asleep?” he asked, his voice low and raspy.

  “I don’t know.”

  His hand trailed along her arm and played with her fingers. “Are you okay?”

  “Yes,” she lied.

  “Really? Because you’ve seemed sort of…” He hesitated like he was searching for the right word, finally settling on, “sad.”

  She was sad. Ever since the realization she loved him, it felt like a weight had settled on her chest. One that grew heavier every day. “I’m fine,” she said, trying to force lightness into her voice. It wouldn’t do any good to ruin their remaining time together by dwelling on how little time they had.

  “Penelope.” He nuzzled his nose against the back of her neck. “You can talk to me.”

  She squeezed her eyes shut and let out a breath. “I know I promised I wouldn’t get attached, but…” Her courage failed her before she could go any further. Bringing the word love into the conversation was like going nuclear. It would change everything, and she didn’t want anything to change.

  “Easier said than done?” he supplied softly.

  “Something like that.”

  There was a long pause—lengthy enough that she had time to fear she’d admitted too much. Then his arm tightened around her, pulling her against the curve of his body. “I’m sorry.”

  “I don’t want you to be sorry.” She understood now why he’d tried to hold himself back. He’d been right; she wasn’t equipped for a no-strings fling—at least not with him. They’d clicked in a way she’d never imagined possible, and it had left her wanting a lot more than the simple good time she’d offered him.

  But if she could go back and make the choice over again, knowing what she knew now, she wouldn’t change a thing. It wasn’t even worth considering. She’d pay any price for these stolen, impermanent moments.

  Caleb propped himself up on one elbow and turned her over onto her back. His eyes glinted warmly in the darkness above her as he brushed a strand of curly hair from her temple. “I wish I could—”

  “Don’t.” She shook her head and his fingers stroked over her face to cup her cheek. “I wouldn’t trade a second of the time we’ve had together.” No matter how much it’s going to hurt. “No regrets, okay?”

  He bent to kiss her, with such gentle intensity it left her shaking in his arms.

  “No regrets.”

  Chapter Twenty-One

  “What’s that?”

  Caleb stood behind Penny at the counter, bracing a tub of dirty dishes against his hip as he peered at the laptop in front of her. The document on the screen was headed with the words “Party Supplies” centered and in bold.

  “It’s not for you,” Penny said, adding streamers to her list before glancing up at him.

  His mouth had compressed into a flat line of displeasure. “I told you I didn’t want a party.”

  The shop bell rang as Charlotte came in, and Elyse moved to the register, pocketing her phone.

  “And I heard you,” Penny said quietly. “I’m planning a going-away party for George.”

  She’d had the idea this morning. George was out of the hospital finally and Mike was taking the week to pac
k up his things before driving him up to San Jose on Saturday. When she’d called Mike this morning to propose a going-away party, he’d enthusiastically agreed to the idea.

  She thought maybe George’s party could stand in as a send-off for Caleb as well. She wouldn’t do anything to call attention to Caleb, but at least it would give everyone a chance to see him before he left. It was the perfect solution.

  “Oh,” Caleb said, sounding less than thrilled. He carried the tub around the counter and turned his back on her to rinse the dishes at the sink, but she could still see the tension in his jerky movements.

  “Is that okay with you?” she asked.

  His shoulders lifted in a shrug. “Sure. Do whatever you want.”

  “Thanks for your permission,” she said, irritated by his irritation. Was she not allowed to plan parties for anyone else either? Did he hate all parties on general principle or something? What had parties ever done to him?

  “Whatcha doing?” Charlotte asked, pausing beside Penny and nodding at her laptop. “You don’t usually do work in here.”

  “Oh, it’s not work. I’m planning a going-away party for George.”

  “Great idea!”

  “That’s what I thought,” Penny said, raising her voice so Caleb would be able to hear her over the running water. He continued slotting cups into the dishwasher rack without giving her the satisfaction of a reaction.

  Charlotte asked how George was doing, and Penny filled her in on his situation. Penny’s eyes kept flicking to Caleb’s back as they continued chatting about Charlotte’s degree program, until Elyse brought her extra-large quad-shot latte over.

  “Brain fuel,” Charlotte said with a grin. “Time to hit the books.” She carried her heavy backpack and coffee over to the couch and settled in to study. Caleb was still at the sink with his back turned.

  “Hey, Elyse,” Penny said, and the college student looked up from her phone, dark eyebrows raised above her large eyes. “Do you think Roxanne would let me throw a going-away party for George here one night this week?”

  “Probably,” Elyse said. “You can ask her.”

  “When’s she scheduled to come in next?”

  Elyse walked over to the clipboard hanging over the counter and squinted at it. “Today at three.”

  Perfect. Penny had knitting tonight, so she’d be able to talk to Roxanne about the party then.

  Caleb picked up the rack of dirty dishes and disappeared into the back. Penny chewed on her lip as she watched the swinging door flap in his wake. After a moment’s deliberation, she got up and followed him.

  She’d never seen the kitchen area before, although she’d caught glimpses of it through the round window in the swinging door. The small space was dominated by a behemoth industrial fridge hulking beside a stainless steel food prep counter, and an entire wall of metal shelves full of beverage supplies.

  Caleb looked up from loading the dishwasher, startled at her appearance. “What are you doing back here?”

  “I’m talking to you about the party.”

  He shut the dishwasher and stood upright, sliding his hands into his back pockets.

  “Are you mad about it?” Penny asked, moving closer to him.

  His brows drew together as he shook his head. “It’s fine.”

  He was wearing her favorite plaid shirt today, and she reached up and ran her hands over his chest. “It doesn’t seem fine.”

  “I’m sorry.” He wound his arms around her and pulled her into a hug, pressing his lips against her temple.

  “What’s wrong?” Penny asked as she rested her cheek against his chest. His heartbeat fluttered in her ear.

  “I’m just being selfish.” She could feel him struggling to get the words out as he drew a long, slow breath. Opening up didn’t come naturally to him, but he’d been getting better at it. “I don’t want to share you. We’ve only got so much time left, and I don’t want to spend it with a bunch of people I barely know instead of with you.”

  Penny felt her heart turn over. “Oh.” She hadn’t even considered that. She’d just wanted something else to focus on besides the fact that Caleb was leaving soon.

  His hands rubbed circles over her back. “It’s dumb.”

  “It’s not. I won’t do the party.”

  He pulled back and shook his head, frowning. “No. George should have a party. It’s the right thing to do.”

  She peered into his face, trying to discern the truth. “Are you sure?”

  He kissed the tip of her nose. “I’m sure. Don’t mind me, I’m just being a moody jackass today.”

  “I’ll keep it short. George won’t be up for a long party anyway. Just an hour or two to send him off in style.”

  “He’ll love it.” He kissed her lightly on the lips. “Now you better get back out there before Elyse starts to wonder what we’re up to.” He let go of her and took a step back.

  She studied his inscrutable features. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

  His dark eyes met hers. “Everything’s fine. Go plan your party.”

  Penny walked out of the kitchen and sat back down at her laptop, trying to ignore both the trickle of unease in the pit of her stomach and Elyse’s curious look.

  * * *

  “What is wrong with you?” Esther asked, elbowing Penny in the arm.

  “Ow,” Penny said, looking up from the half-knit hat in her hands. “What?”

  “You’re all spaced-out tonight.”

  “No, I’m not.”

  Jinny set down her needles and reached for one of the butterscotch toffee cookies Penny had brought. “She’s right. You’ve barely said a word. It’s not like you.”

  “Plus you’re not knitting,” Vilma pointed out. “You’re just staring at your needles and frowning.”

  Penny sighed and turned over the hat she’d started as a going-away present for George. “I think I hate this color. It’s ugly, right?” It was a variegated green that had seemed nice in the yarn store, but now that it was knit up, looked a little like vomit.

  “It’s certainly an interesting choice,” Vilma said diplomatically.

  “It’s damn ugly.” Cynthia shook her head as she set her wineglass down. “I didn’t want to say anything if you liked it, but it’s bad.”

  “Right?” Penny sighed, plucking at the ugly hat. “I can’t give this to George. I should frog it and start over, shouldn’t I?”

  Cynthia shot her a look as she picked up her knitting. “You sure that’s all that’s bothering you?”

  Olivia’s eyes met Penny’s across the table, but she kept silent. Penny still hadn’t told the rest of the group about Caleb. At this point, she figured she might as well wait until he was gone. They’d made enough of a fuss over the fact that she’d started wearing her hair curly—she wasn’t in the mood to put her relationship with Caleb under the microscope too.

  Penny wrinkled her nose at the ugly hat in her lap. “I’m fine. I’m just annoyed I wasted time and money on this stupid yarn.”

  She’d talked to Roxanne before knitting and they’d settled on Thursday afternoon for George’s party. Which meant Penny only had three nights to finish knitting his present. And now she’d have to start over and lose all of tonight’s progress.

  “I’ve got a skein of Malabrigo on me.” Olivia dug around in her project bag until she came up with a hank of beautiful hand-dyed charcoal gray wool, which she held out to Penny. “You can use it if you want.”

  Penny accepted the soft yarn, squishing it between her fingers in appreciation. “Weren’t you going to use it?”

  Olivia shrugged. “You can have it. I’ll be working on this shawl forever anyway.” She smoothed out the shawl she was knitting for her next cosplay: a steampunk version of Agatha Christie’s Miss Marple. “I always seem to get myself into knitting projects that take half an eternity.”

  “Thank you,” Penny said, casting a grateful smile at her friend. “I’ll pay you back.”

  “Whatever.”

>   As Penny pulled the ugly hat off her needles and wound the crinkled yarn back into a ball, the conversation drifted to other topics. She made a concentrated effort to speak up more the rest of the night, not wanting to give them any more reason to think something was amiss.

  She had to get better at pretending things were fine. She didn’t want to spend her last few days with Caleb sulking and feeling sorry for herself.

  When the group broke up for the night an hour later, Olivia fell into step beside her. “I feel like I haven’t seen much of you lately.”

  “I’m sorry,” Penny said guiltily. She’d been a terrible friend lately, spending all her time with Caleb.

  Olivia pushed the door open and they stepped out into the cool night air. The moon hung low and round in the sky, casting everything in a bluish-silver light. “We should make some time to hang out.”

  “Yeah.” Penny cast her eyes at the parking lot. Caleb was sitting in his car, waiting to give her a ride home. He didn’t like her walking alone at night, even just the few blocks back to her apartment. “Definitely.”

  Olivia followed Penny’s gaze to where Caleb sat behind the steering wheel of his ten-year-old Camry. He was looking down at his lap, his face lit by the glow from his phone’s screen.

  “When does Caleb leave?”

  “A week from Thursday.”

  Olivia nodded. “Are you going to be okay with that?”

  Penny looked down at her feet and shook her head. “Definitely not.”

  She felt Olivia squeeze her arm. “I’ll be here when you need me.”

  It helped to know someone would be.

  * * *

  Only nine more nights until I lose him, Penny thought as Caleb moved inside her Tuesday night. She clung to him, trying to commit every detail to memory. All too soon, her memories would be all she had.

  It was going to break her. She knew that. She’d had the best of intentions going in, but she hadn’t accounted for how strong her feelings for him would be.

  She hadn’t expected to fall in love.

  If only she could believe he felt the same about her. That she’d stolen a piece of his heart the way he’d stolen a piece of hers.