by Susannah Nix
But she could already feel him pulling away from her. He’d been quieter the last two days. Moodier. More distant. Not physically—if anything, his physical appetite seemed to have increased, as if he were trying to squeeze in as much sex as possible before he left. But he was more subdued. Like he was getting ready to let her go.
Just when she’d finally broken through his walls, he’d started putting them back up again.
Penny squeezed her eyes shut and tried to pretend there was nothing in the world but the two of them, together. That nothing could ever come between them. When they were together like this, she could imagine his body was telling her things his lips never would. That he was giving her everything he had, every piece of his heart, just like she’d given hers.
When he choked out her name in a rough groan, she tried to hear in it all the things she longed to hear from him but never would. The things she’d told herself she didn’t need to hear him say.
She slid her hands into his hair and pulled his lips to hers, feeling his breath hitch as he sagged against her, defenseless and contented for one perfect moment. If only she could freeze time and live inside this moment forever. Like a genie in a bottle.
If genies were real, Caleb would be Penny’s wish. He’d be all three of her wishes.
I wish I could be with him forever, she’d say. I wish we could stay together. I wish we could have our happily ever after.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Penny woke with a disoriented jolt. She reached out blindly for Caleb, but the bed beside her was cold and empty.
He’s gone.
Panic sliced through her as she struggled to push through the lingering fog of sleep. She hadn’t even gotten to say goodbye. How could this day have come so fast?
She forced her eyes open to a flood of relief when a familiar silhouette came into focus in the inky darkness by the window. He hadn’t left after all.
Yet.
But he would. Soon.
How had she gotten so accustomed to having him around that his absence from her bed was enough to wake her? How would she cope when he really was gone? She was careening toward catastrophe like a roller coaster screaming down a slope, but it was too late to turn back now. Momentum had taken over. There was no stopping it.
She spoke his name and the silhouette shifted as he turned to face her.
“I didn’t mean to wake you.” The outline of his hair stood up in tousled spikes against the blinds, as if he’d been running his hands through it.
“What’s wrong?”
“Can’t sleep.”
She held out her hand, and he came and took it, sliding into the bed beside her. His skin felt cool against hers, and she wrapped herself around him, trying to transfer her warmth to his body. “Why can’t you sleep?”
He tucked her head under his chin. When he spoke, the vibrations tickled her nose. “I don’t know.”
She could feel the lie in his tense shoulders as she ran her hands over his back. “Tell me.”
He was quiet for a long time before he answered. “Do you ever feel like you’re about make a huge mistake?”
“Only all the time.”
He nodded against her and didn’t say anything.
“Is this about med school?” she asked.
Another long pause. When he finally spoke, his voice was so quiet she could barely hear him. “I don’t want to go.”
Penny’s heart leapt into her throat. Every molecule of her body wanted to tell him to stay—to beg him, actually. But she couldn’t do that. This was his chosen career. His life. His heart’s desire. He’d worked tirelessly for years to get here, sacrificed his own happiness. She cared about him too much to let him throw it away.
Her arms tightened around him, trying to hold on to him even as her words told him to go. “It’s just nerves. It’s perfectly normal to feel that way.”
“I guess.”
She pulled away from him and reached for his face. Her fingertips skimmed over the bristle on his jaw as she pulled his head down to hers. In the darkness, she could only make out the barest outlines of his features, but she didn’t need to see the lines around his eyes and mouth to know they were there. Their noses bumped, and then their foreheads. She slid her fingers into his hair, holding him there.
“You’re going to be an amazing doctor. You’re smart, compassionate, and cool under pressure. You’ve got this. You’re going to rock it.”
She felt his forehead scrunch against hers as he squeezed his eyes shut. “If I could stay…” He faltered, and her chest clenched. “If I could stay, would you want me to?”
Tears burned in her eyes. “You can’t stay. There’s no point in thinking about it.” It hurt too much already. Allowing herself to imagine there was any other possibility would only make it worse. “You have to go. It’s your future.”
He drew in a shaky breath, and she brushed her lips against his. His palm caressed her cheek, angling her head for a deeper kiss. His kisses were addictive. Penny had never done drugs in her life, but she imagined this must be what it felt like. This desperate, burning need for something. This agony at the prospect of giving it up.
“What if…” She hesitated, swallowing around the burning in the back of her throat.
Caleb’s nose nudged against her cheek. “What?”
“We could try the long-distance thing. We could make it work.”
He went still. “You really think so?”
“Sure we can.” She didn’t know how, but it was worth a try, at least. It was better than giving up. “That is…if you want to?”
A millennium passed in the moment before he answered. Civilizations rose and fell, and Penny died a thousand tiny deaths before he finally said, “Yeah. Okay.” It lacked the enthusiasm she’d been hoping for, but at least he hadn’t said no.
Even if he was just humoring her to spare her feelings, she counted it as a win. It was a sliver of hope to cling to. Because the one thing she was certain of was that she couldn’t let him go.
* * *
“So this weekend…” Penny said as she sipped her lavender latte on Thursday morning, exactly one week before Caleb was due to leave. “I was thinking maybe we could actually leave my apartment for a change. Maybe have a picnic at the beach or something.”
It was their last weekend together, and she wanted to do something special. They’d never actually been on anything resembling a date. She’d always assumed he couldn’t afford to eat out, and it was easier for her to eat healthy at home, so they’d just fallen into the habit of staying in.
There was also the fact that Caleb had never actually suggested they go out. She ascribed it to the nontraditional way their relationship had started out. In the beginning, it was only supposed to be a booty call. Which then turned into a series of booty calls. Which somehow morphed into them bypassing the usual courtship rituals and moving straight to de facto living together.
But now that they were in this for the long haul, she wanted to go back and have some of those experiences with him before he left. Before it was too late.
Caleb leaned his hip against the counter and frowned—not exactly the reaction she’d been hoping for. “I’d love that, except…”
“Except what?”
“I won’t be here this weekend.”
Penny’s stomach dropped into her shoes. “What? Why?”
“I have to go to see my parents.” His fingers gripped the edge of the countertop, turning his knuckles white.
“Oh.” She couldn’t exactly begrudge him that. He was about to move two thousand miles away. Of course his parents would want to see him before he left.
He could have mentioned it before now though. Here she was, planning for their last weekend together when they’d already had their last weekend together. If she’d known, she would have tried to make it special. She would have tried to memorize every second.
He started to reach across the counter and halted halfway, his hand clenching into a fist. “I
’m sorry.”
She forced a smile. “Don’t be. You need to see your parents.”
“I really do.”
“I understand.”
His jaw clenched. “But you’re still mad.”
“I’m not mad. I’m just disappointed. I thought we’d have this last weekend together.”
He pulled his hand back, gripping the edge of the counter again. “Trust me, I’d much rather spend it with you than with my parents.”
“I know.” She tried to shake off her disappointment so she wouldn’t make him feel any worse than he obviously did. “When are you leaving?”
“Tomorrow after work.”
Tonight was George’s party. Was this Caleb’s way of punishing her for planning a party before he left?
No, that was ridiculous. He was going to see his parents. There was no reason to ascribe ulterior motives to it.
“I’ll be back Monday afternoon.”
“Monday.” So she wouldn’t even see him at work Monday morning. And Monday night she had knitting. That only left them Tuesday and Wednesday, and then he’d be gone.
Their time was running out too quickly. There were only a few grains of sand left in the hourglass, and they were slipping away too fast.
“Hey,” he said softly, his eyes locking on hers. “It’s going to be okay.”
“Sure.” She gazed into the gold-edged depths, trying to believe him. “I know.”
* * *
George’s party was a low-key, if crowded affair. Antidote was still open for normal business, but Penny had spread the word to the regular morning customers, so the usual Thursday night crowd had swelled by a dozen or so additional bodies.
As Penny’s gaze fell on Caleb standing alone in the hall by the bathrooms, guilt rattled its rusty chains like Marley’s ghost. Not only had she forced him to spend one of his last nights here in a crowd of people, but she’d forced him to come to his workplace on a night he had off. He looked exactly as thrilled about it as could be expected.
At least George seemed to be enjoying himself. He sat on the couch at the back, surrounded by a small crowd of avid listeners as he told them stories about his “good old days” in the movie industry. Penny had decorated the back corner with balloons and streamers and a hand-painted banner that said “We’ll Miss You.” She’d taken up a collection to buy him a plant for his new apartment, and Roxanne and Reema had given him five pounds of Antidote’s special order coffee beans. He’d loved the hat Penny had knit him so much he’d put it on immediately, and it still perched on his head as he presided over his audience like a king on a throne.
The cheerful animation that lit up his face was totally worth it. That was what Penny tried to tell herself, anyway, as her gaze flicked to Caleb again. She edged away from the group gathered around George and made her way over to Caleb, pulling him farther back into the hall.
“You’re miserable, aren’t you?”
He lowered his eyes to the iced coffee in his hand. “I’m fine.”
“You’re standing off by yourself scowling.”
“Sorry if I’m not as eager to please everyone as you.”
Penny’s mouth fell open. “What’s that supposed to mean?” She’d come over here to make nice, but if he was going to be snippy with her she’d save her sympathy.
“Nothing,” he mumbled with all the eloquence of a surly teenager.
“Right. I guess I’ll just go back to the party, then.”
“Hang on.” He reached out to snag her arm and she halted, looking at him expectantly. He blew out a breath. “I’m sorry. That was shitty.”
“Apology accepted.” She moved closer and hugged his arm. “Why don’t you come try to have some fun?”
He shook his head. “I’m gonna take off.”
“Already?” It hadn’t even been an hour.
“I’m not very good company tonight.”
That was a heck of an understatement, but it didn’t mean she wanted him to leave. “I’m sorry about the party. Please just stay a little longer.”
“It’s not about the party.”
She felt like it was at least a little about the party. “Then what is it?”
He grimaced at his shoes. “I’m stressed about seeing my parents tomorrow. I always get like this before I go home.”
Nuts. Now she felt genuinely bad. She leaned up to kiss his cheek. “Let’s go, then. I’ll come with you.”
He turned his head and brushed his lips against hers. “You should stay.”
“It’s okay. I don’t mind leaving the party.”
“Yes you do. You planned it. I know you want to stay until it’s over and help clean up after.”
The corners of her mouth curved. “I do a little. But not if you’re not here. I’d rather be with you.”
“Not tonight.” He looked down at her hands where they held on to his arm. “I’m going to sleep at my place.”
“What? No!” Her fingers dug into his sleeve. “Please don’t do that.”
“I’ve got to pack some stuff up to take home anyway.” He met her gaze, his expression as inscrutable as it had ever been. “We’ll talk when I get back.”
What did that mean?
She let go of him, in a state of shock. The din of people in the cafe faded to white noise, which combined with the rushing of her pulse in her ears.
“Don’t look at me like that.” He reached for her, his hand cradling the back of her head as he kissed her brow. “Everything’s fine.”
“Is it?” It didn’t seem fine. He didn’t seem fine, and instead of turning to her for support, he was pushing her away.
He stroked an errant curl off her cheek. “It will be.” He kissed her slowly and deeply, in a way that felt too much like goodbye for Penny’s comfort. “I’ll see you here tomorrow morning before I go, all right? At the usual time.”
All she could do was nod.
She watched him make his way over to George and lean over to speak in the old man’s ear. George said something back, and then Caleb nodded and stuck out his hand. George wasn’t having any of that handshake nonsense though. He pulled Caleb down into a one-armed hug, giving him a fatherly pounding on the back.
When Caleb stood upright, his expression was clouded by emotion. He ducked his head and pushed his way through the small crowd, tossing the remnants of his iced coffee in the trash as he walked out the door without so much as a backward glance.
* * *
Penny’s chest felt tight Friday morning as she watched Caleb brush coffee grounds off the counter around the espresso machine. After their night apart, his pull on her seemed to have increased tenfold. As she stared at his flexing arms, she remembered what it felt like to have those arms wrapped around her, and it was all she could do to suppress a dreamy sigh of the sort uttered by actresses in Hallmark movies.
The invisible force he exerted on her felt like the beginning of a tsunami. A slow, merciless surge that would keep intensifying until it had destroyed everything it touched, and then recede again, leaving chaos in its wake.
Stop being so melodramatic. She shook her head and raised her latte to her lips, breathing in the lavender scent.
Caleb had been slightly more subdued than usual when she came in this morning, but not alarmingly so. He’d even mustered a smile for her, which he didn’t often do at work.
Now, as he leaned under the counter to retrieve his half-drunk iced coffee from the fridge, she noted the signs of strain in the heavy lines around his eyes and mouth.
“Did you sleep last night?” she asked when he came closer.
He paused in front of her, resting his drink against the edge of the counter as he made a wry face. “Not much.”
Penny hadn’t slept well either. Her bed had felt cold and uncomfortable without him. She was going to have to teach herself how to sleep alone again.
Her fingers traced the rim of her saucer. “How long a drive is it?”
“Two and a half hours, give or take.”
“You’re not going to fall asleep on the road, are you?”
The corners of his mouth quirked. “I’ll be fine. Don’t worry.”
“I think you know there’s no stopping me from worrying.” She tried to keep her voice light, but it came out sounding strained.
His expression clouded as he gazed at her. She wanted to touch him to reassure both him and herself, but she knew she shouldn’t. Not here when he was working. He stood barely three feet away from her, but the distance between them felt much greater.
She almost reached for him anyway. Malik was in the back, and even if someone saw, what difference would it make at this point? Caleb would be done with this job in just a few days.
Before she could make up her mind, a new customer came in. Caleb pushed his drink toward Penny for safekeeping and went to the register.
He spent the next fifteen minutes making and delivering drinks to a steady trickle of customers. Every once in a while, he’d pass by for a sip of his iced coffee and give Penny a soft smile before going back to serving customers. It never got busy enough to be actually busy; it was just busy enough to keep him away from her.
Penny watched the minutes tick by until it was time for her to go home and get back to work. Caleb shot a glance her way as soon as she stood up and hoisted her purse over her shoulder.
“Malik, I’m going on break for a minute,” he said over his shoulder, dropping the rag in his hand and moving around the counter to follow Penny out the door. When they were far enough down the sidewalk that they were out of sight of the windows, she stopped and turned to face him.
Her legs felt wobbly, and there was nothing for her to hold on to for support except Caleb.
He stepped forward and took her face in both hands, rubbing his nose against hers. His breath warmed her lips when he spoke. “I’ll miss you.”
“I’ll miss you too.” Her eyes burned as she blinked up at him. It was taking every ounce of willpower she had not to cry.
His thumb brushed over her cheekbone. “It’s only three days.”