‘Lord! Didn’t you get indigestion, jumping about in the waves after that lot?’
‘Well, I liked to stoke up for the day, and not have to bother with lunch. You can easily stay out till dusk, you see.’
‘It sounds like hard work to me,’ Catherine grinned, stroking William’s ears.
‘No way! And you should have seen me in the evenings, sprawled on a sun-lounger with a drink in my hand, indolence personified. Or occasionally we went island-hopping by yacht. And the islands are absolutely beautiful – some smaller than a tennis court with nothing on them except the odd pelican or palm tree. One of the smallest is called the Last Resort. It’s so minute, there’s only room for a bar. They do these marvellous cocktails called Pusser Painkillers. A couple of those and you soon forget your aches and pains, I can tell you! Here’ – she handed Catherine a mug of tea – ‘this will have to do instead. I don’t know how I’ll ever come down to earth again. I was talking to Darren earlier and he was banging on about work. But I have to say HHA seems awfully sort of … alien at the moment.’
‘Where is Darren?’
‘He’ll be back soon. He and Jo went to get a video. Actually, shall we take our tea upstairs? I want to have a word with you in private.’
‘That sounds mysterious!’
Nicky gave nothing away. ‘Your room or mine?’
‘Mine. Then I can get out of these grotty clothes. But I’ll just put this stuff away first. I don’t want the peas to defrost.’
‘I’ll give you a hand,’ said Nicky. ‘It’s time I started being practical. I haven’t seen a shop for a fortnight, or not a food shop anyway. Just cutesy little boutiques selling shells and coral and native crafts and what-have-you.’
‘Well, the break’s obviously done you good. You look disgustingly healthy.’
Nicky smiled at her reflection in the window. ‘Come on – down to work.’
As soon as they had disposed of the shopping, Catherine ran upstairs. She already felt revived – perhaps Nicky’s euphoria was catching. Certainly it was good to have her back. Things with Jo could still be rather strained without Nicky to act as buffer. Humming to herself, she removed her grubby jeans and sweater and put on her Chinese kimono.
‘You look exotic!’ Nicky said, coming in with the tea.
‘Two pounds fifty at a boot fair.’
‘And you’ve got a new photo of Will, I see.’ Nicky walked over to inspect it. ‘Is that his son?’
‘Mm.’
‘Have you met him yet?’
Catherine shook her head. ‘I keep dropping hints, but you know what Will’s like. He always gets twitchy about taking the next step. First it was his flat, then the sex thing and now it’s Sam.’
‘I don’t see what he’s worried about. You are a mother, after all, and the boy looks harmless enough – positively angelic.’
‘I think he’s afraid it’ll make things awkward between us. Though it could be Vanessa, I suppose. She does seem to lay down the law about where Sam goes and who he meets. I’m sure I’d never be acceptable – punky hair, working in a market …’
‘Come off it. Will works there too.’
‘Yes, I know, but she doesn’t really approve.’
‘Hey, talking of Will, what happened about his poems? Did you manage to get them off in time?’
‘Only by the skin of our teeth. I typed them in the end because Will’s so slow. It felt really odd sitting at the old Amstrad again. And the whole thing took for ever. He would keep messing around with them after I’d printed them all out, changing words or even adding lines. Just a sec – let me get my patchwork.’ She took it from the sewing box and settled back with needle, template, scissors. ‘You don’t mind me doing this, do you? I’m making another quilt I sold the first one to an American couple and they didn’t even haggle over the price. I feel a bit guilty, actually. I’m sure they thought it was old, like the rest of the stuff on the stall.’
‘They’re still an absolute bargain,’ Nicky said, ‘when you think of the work that goes into them. It would drive me nuts, all that fiddly stitching.’
‘I find it very soothing. But look, we’re meant to be talking about you. Go on – fire away.’
Nicky, however, sat in edgy silence, picking at the braid on a cushion.
Catherine continued sewing for a while, but still Nicky didn’t speak. ‘It … it’s nothing awful, is it?’ she asked.
‘Oh, no. Just complicated.’
‘Ah, in that case, you’ve met a man!’
Nicky smiled, at last. ‘How did you guess?’
‘Let me guess again. He’s married.’
‘No, this time he’s available. And not neurotic, or bisexual, or so old he’s on a zimmer frame. In fact, he’s exactly my age, good fun and very sporty.’
‘Oh, Nicky, it sounds too good to be true.’
‘It is too good to be true. First of all, you can forget romance. I just don’t fancy him, unfortunately. He’s great as a friend, and we’ve got loads of things in common, but …’
‘But what? He fancies you, you mean?’
‘Well, yes he does, and in the ordinary way, it wouldn’t be a problem. I’d just say, “Sorry, Stewart, I’m afraid it’s not going to work.” ’ She broke off again, chewing her thumb. ‘Oh, Catherine, I’m in such a muddle. I don’t know what to do. You see, he’s a windsurfing instructor – he works at the centre at the Bitter End. And he wants me to get a job out there as well.’
‘A job?’ Catherine dropped her scissors. ‘But do they have advertising agencies in the Virgin Islands?’
‘No, a job like his, teaching water sports.’
‘You’re not serious, are you?’ She stared at Nicky, appalled.
‘Well, at first I just laughed and told Stewart he was off his head. But the next day, I was sailing downwind to a group of tiny islands. It was a perfect morning, Catherine. The sun was glittering on the water and I could see the dark shadow of a coral reef underneath the surface, and palm trees swaying in the distance. And apart from the occasional dolphin and a few turtles bobbing on the waves, I had the sea to myself. And I began to think – imagine living here, away from all the pressures and the deadlines. Oh, I know I’d be working, not just swanning about on holiday. And it’s bloody hard work in some ways, and long hours, Stewart said. In fact, he was so busy himself, some days I hardly saw him.’ She grinned. ‘Maybe just as well … But, you see, I’d be doing something I really love and that makes all the difference. I can’t tell you what a stress it is to be for ever worrying about whether I’m clever enough or creative enough, and knowing there’s always someone younger and brighter at HHA waiting to jump into my shoes. D’you know, as soon as we touched down at Heathrow, all the anxiety came rushing back. I mean, this new shampoo – it may sound frightfully trivial, but there’s such a lot at stake. A five-hundred-thousand-pound campaign, which I personally could bugger up if the ideas don’t materialize. And it’s not just the job, it’s everything that goes with it feeling you always need to be slimmer, richer, smarter, more together – drive the right car, wear the right clothes, be seen in the right places. None of that matters out there.’
Catherine abandoned her patchwork, too shaken to speak. This wasn’t just a flash in the pan – Nicky had given the matter serious thought. Yet, whatever the pressures at HHA, surely it was inconceivable that she would throw up her career for a glorified holiday job?
‘Anyway,’ Nicky continued, rocking back in her chair, ‘Stewart took me along to see Eddie, his boss, and he seemed quite keen, believe it or not. They need another instructor, you see. An all-rounder – water-skiing, sailing, all that sort of thing. Which I can do. Plus you have to get on well with people. According to Eddie, that’s even more important than the technical stuff. My windsurfing’s up to standard, though. I’ve done my level four, and so long as you can water-start and gybe any size board, that’s all they really want.’
‘Would it be … permanent?’ Catherine asked. How
ever shocked she was by Nicky’s news, she couldn’t just sit there like a dummy.
‘A two-year contract initially, they said.’
‘And what about the pay?’
‘Lousy. That’s one of the major drawbacks. Also, I’d have to share a room, which doesn’t exactly thrill me. And then there’s the business of Stewart. If I did go out there, it could be a bit dodgy. And I know my parents would be horrified …’ Nicky ran a hand through her hair. ‘I’ve been lying awake at night, going round and round in circles. I haven’t told anyone else yet. And what the hell do I do about Darren? We’ve worked together so long, he’s bound to take it badly. He was saying what a pain it was me being away just for two weeks, so if I resigned, he’d …’
The front door slammed downstairs. ‘That’ll be him now,’ she added with a frown. ‘Don’t say anything, will you, Catherine? There’s no point upsetting him, if I decide not to go in the end. Actually, I feel awful even telling you. I’d hate you to think I’d simply waltz off halfway round the world without a backward glance. But I need to discuss it with someone, and you’re so good at this sort of thing. You always say what you mean.’
Do I, she thought wretchedly, staring out over the balcony at the hotchpotch of grey roofs.
‘So come on – what d’you think? Am I crazy even to consider the idea?’
With deliberate precision, Catherine placed her thimble on each finger in turn. Of course it was a crazy idea. Nicky was her friend, her confidante, her ally in the house, and she was appalled at the thought of her vanishing to the ends of the earth. But that was totally selfish. It was Nicky who mattered, Nicky’s future life. ‘Have you tried making a list of the pros and cons?’ she asked, hoping she sounded calmer than she felt.
‘Scores of lists. But how can you balance things like status and good pay against freedom and excitement?’
Catherine opened her mouth to speak, then shut it again. Three months ago, she had been faced with a similar dilemma – not so much high status, but safety and security versus a new and risky life. And she had chosen freedom. So how could she advise Nicky to do the opposite?
‘I’m so easily swayed, that’s the problem.’ Nicky sat hugging the cushion. ‘Laura rang this afternoon, and she’s in a really awful state again, trying to cope with the baby and the job. Ten minutes on the phone to her convinced me I ought to get out while I can. Imagine having to leave your kid when it’s ill, just because some stupid client wants you to change a headline. I couldn’t bear to be a mother and have that kind of pressure – if I ever am a mother! And that’s another thing. I’m far more likely to meet a guy out there than here in London. The place is swarming with eligible men – mostly rich Americans, athletic types with year-round tans and yachts like bloody palaces. Oh, and a good sprinkling of movie stars and rock stars, to add a bit of spice. Though of course if Stewart was too clingy I might never get to speak to them.’ Nicky crossed her legs and uncrossed them again. ‘Then, later today, I came across my Barclaycard statement. And I thought God! How could I manage on the pittance I’d earn out there? My whole lifestyle would have to change. But I want it to change, don’t I? And if I miss this chance, I might never get another. In windsurfing terms, I’m over the hill. Most of the instructors are in their early twenties. I’m surprised they even want me.’
‘You’ll just have to shed ten years.’ Catherine forced a laugh. ‘It’s not that difficult. I’ve shed twenty, at least!’
‘Catherine …’ Nicky stared at her. ‘You’ve changed your lifestyle, haven’t you? D’you know, it’s only just beginning to register – what it must have meant. And you had no choice at all.’
‘But Nicky, I did have a choice. I could still be in Stoneleigh, living a quiet suburban life. I was down there earlier this week, having dinner with Andrew and Antonia, and it seemed almost a foreign country. Andrew’s my son, yet I was the one who felt like a child – a guilty teenager, keeping secrets from my parents. I haven’t told them about Will, you see, but I was sure they could sort of smell him on me!’
‘Why? D’you think they won’t approve of him?’
‘Oh, I don’t know. They might feel I’m being disloyal to Gerry. But it isn’t only that, I don’t want me and Will to be seen as well, a fixture, yet. I suppose I’m still sort of feeling my way in life – trying out various options before settling for any one thing. It’s a pity you can’t do that. Is there any chance they’d let you have a trial run?’
Nicky shook her head. ‘Absolutely not. They pay my fare, you see, and arrange a work permit and everything. That’s the trouble – it seems such a final decision. And I have to let them know by Monday week. Otherwise they’ll take on someone else. And scores of young hopefuls will jump at it, I can tell you. They’d think I was out of my mind to turn it down. There’s only one Bitter End. A job there is the crème de la crème.’
‘But Monday week’s ridiculously soon!’
‘I know. I can’t concentrate on anything. I’m sure they’ll notice at work.’
‘Let’s hope they put it down to jet lag.’
Suddenly noticing her cold tea, Nicky drank it with a grimace. ‘Oh Catherine, you are an angel to listen to all this. And to encourage me as well. I mean, my family would never understand. And some of my friends are bound to say, “Wow, go for it!”, assuming that’s what I want to hear, though secretly they’ll think I’m mad giving up a fat salary in London. They wouldn’t bother to talk it through like this. At least you take me seriously.’
‘Of course I do. But I must admit there’s a nasty selfish bit of me that wants to put you off the idea, just because I’d miss you so much if you did go.’
‘And I’d miss you. Terribly.’
‘But you see, you do lose people, Nicky. It’s part of life. You can’t hold on to them, however much you’d like to. I remember when Kate went off to India, I had to stop myself from begging her not to go. It seemed such a long way and so dangerous and I felt I’d never see her again. I still feel that sometimes, especially when she has to renew her visa. Funnily enough, she renewed it again a fortnight ago. There was a tremendous amount of hassle, she said, and she had to keep going back and pleading, and grease even more palms than usual. But when she told me it had finally come through, I’m ashamed to say I felt disappointed, not glad for her. But that’s just me being selfish again.’ Catherine let out an impatient sigh. ‘Actually, I respect her decision to stay on there and work. Right from the beginning, she knew what she wanted and went for it, regardless. And that’s rare, you see, especially at her age. I just feel guilty that I didn’t understand it at the time. I kept harping on about safety and security and getting a good job. And I completely missed the point.’ She was seized by a great choking sob, and suddenly her shoulders were heaving and tears streaming down her cheeks.
Nicky stared at her in horror. She went over, took her hand. ‘Don’t cry.’
‘I’m … sorry. I didn’t mean to. I …’
‘It’s all right. You’re upset about Kate. That’s natural when she’s so far away.’
‘It’s not just Kate. It’s …’ Her voice was racked by sobs. ‘… Gerry. He gave up his … his whole vision. He was born an actor – it was all he ever wanted to do. And he was bloody good. Everybody said so. But he became a businessman. Just a humdrum businessman – imagine. And that was partly my fault. God! He might not even be dead if we hadn’t made the wrong decision.’
‘Oh, Catherine.’ Nicky put her arm round her shoulders. ‘I’m sure that isn’t true.’
She began to tremble uncontrollably. ‘It … it’s all coming back – I can’t think why. I can see it in my mind, as if it’s happening now. Him staggering. And falling. And the awful silence while we waited for the ambulance. It took so long to come. And when it did come, it seemed so sort of … loud. The wheels crunching on the drive. And the door slamming like a gunshot. And the men’s voices, all so loud. They were alive you see, but …’ She swallowed, caught her breath. ‘And it was
dreadful in the ambulance. He made this sort of choking sound. And he was dead. That was it. But I couldn’t seem to take it in. I was saying fatuous things like “You’re going to be all right, Gerry. They’re going to save you, Gerry.” ’
‘How could you take it in? You were in shock. I’m sure I’d have reacted the same way.’
‘Nicky, I’m so sorry.’ She bit her lip, clenched her fists, some how managed to stop crying. “This isn’t helping you at all. It’s your life we’re meant to be talking about. But that’s the point – it’s desperately important for you to make the right decision.’
‘Oh Catherine, my problems seem so trivial, compared with what you’ve been through.’
‘Listen, Nicky’ – at last her voice was more controlled and she spoke slowly and emphatically – ‘Gerry only lived to be forty-nine and he spent fifteen of those years doing something he hated. And it happens to lots of other people. Maybe even Andrew and Antonia. Although I’m sure they think a good life means well-paid jobs and ideal homes and all the rest of it. But that’s not living, is it? And it’s because I’m fond of you that I feel we ought to talk …’ She walked to the window, stood looking out at the darkness. ‘I know it’s an awful cliché, but there are no certainties. And nothing’s really secure, however much you try and hang on to it. People change, or leave, or die. But you have to accept it somehow. And you can make a new life.’ She touched the cold pane of glass, watching her blurred fingerprints mist away to nothing. ‘Nicky, even if it takes all night we must work out what’s best for you. And that means not worrying too much about Darren, or your parents. Or me, for that matter.’
‘Don’t be silly. Of course I’m worried about you. I’m worried now in case I’m keeping you from Will. Aren’t you seeing him tonight?’
‘No, he’s out.’
‘How are things with Will? You haven’t said.’
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