“Harry? No!” I couldn’t keep the shock from my voice.
“Oh nothing like that,” he said, “but he always took her side and I hated him for that. I was ridiculously jealous that they’d so much in common. He made a point of always saying I was unreasonable and ‘anti-fun’ and there never seemed any point in trying to persuade him otherwise.”
“But Mark, why did you put up with that behaviour? If you knew what she was . . .” My voice trailed off.
“But what could I do? I suppose I could have kicked her out, but it wasn’t all bad. We still got on well enough. It was harder though, with Jamie there. And she was a good mother. Not too organised, mind you – they might both be still in their nightclothes when I’d get home in the evening, but they’d have spent the day finger-painting, or just cuddled together. She adored that child. I remember coming home one evening to find her sitting on the stairs with him, just holding him in her arms and sobbing. Really crying like her heart was going to break. I got such a fright. I thought there might be something wrong, but no, she just kept saying that she didn’t deserve him, that he was so perfect. Looking back, she must have had post-natal depression or something. I was just too bull-headed to pay much attention. I laughed at her, told her not to be so silly. She seemed better after that. She’d go out with Jamie all the time. Even when he could walk she’d have him in that sling. She started to chat to the neighbours, would go for coffee, and really seemed to settle down. Then she found out she was pregnant with Amber.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. It was a fascinating insight into the woman whose pictures I had dusted, whose clothes I had tidied, whose husband had frustrated me so much I no longer knew what I felt about him.
“And that was when things took a plunge. She found that pregnancy so hard. Of course Jamie was up and about by then so she couldn’t curl up with her book all day like she had with him. And no, I wasn’t around a lot. But by then she had a few friends around the village, so I didn’t worry so much. I should have. Shortly after Amber was born, the real problems started.”
“Things got worse?” It was hard to believe.
“Oh yes. Things got worse alright. Up to this she’d always had a glass of wine in the evenings. Sometimes two, sometimes a bottle. I was okay with that, I reckoned she deserved to unwind – it couldn’t have been easy at home here all day on her own. Being honest, anything that put her in a better mood and off my case was fine by me.
“Then, when I’d come home, it would be already poured. She was just letting it breathe, she’d say. Then one day I came home at lunchtime to find a half bottle on the table, her asleep with Amber on the couch and Jamie in a wet nappy in front of the TV. I went ballistic. Of course she cried and apologised and swore it had been a one-off but it was obvious that she just hadn’t been expecting me.”
In a flash I remembered his reaction that first afternoon when he’d come back unexpectedly to find me sitting on the floor in the kitchen, amidst chaos.
“Let me make something clear, Holly, it’s never a good sign when someone tells you they weren’t expecting you home yet.”
And I’d thought he was just being an asshole.
“Oh Mark. I’d no idea.”
“Neither did I, let me tell you. Well, that was the first almighty row we ever really had. We said the most horrible things to each other. We were both in denial really – she couldn’t accept she had a problem and I couldn’t accept that it was all my fault. The thing was, I just didn’t know what to do next. And for that, I really hated her. She threatened to take the children back to Dublin, but how could I let her? By this stage she was drinking every chance she had – I couldn’t let her take them. Okay, so I hadn’t spent as much time with them as I should, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t love every bone in their bodies. Hell, I still loved every bone in her body! So I was trapped, terrified she’d leave, yet knowing it was not going to get any better if she stayed.”
“Good God, what did you do?” I’d stopped all pretence at packing now and was just standing there, leaning against the wardrobe, clothes folded in my arms.
“What could I do? I tried to fix it. I really did. But it was so sad, so awful. I couldn’t turn my back for a second. She even drank in the middle of the night when she thought we were all asleep.”
“And no one else knew?”
“No. Well, Teresa Murphy used to help her out a bit with the kids, so she knew there was something up, but she never got to the bottom of it. The other girls in the village only saw her when she was in ‘good form’ as I called it. Doesn’t mean she was sober, mind you, but Emma could be a good actress when she needed to.”
“Mrs Murphy thought she was sick,” I said quietly.
“I suspected that,” he said grimly, “and that would have suited Emma just fine. She could call poor Teresa Murphy when she was too sick to get out of bed, or too drunk to drive the car. And it suited me to let Teresa believe the whole sickness thing, to be honest. I’d no interest in her knowing the truth – the next thing you’d know, the whole village would be talking about how the vet’s wife was an alcoholic. Far better they thought she was sick.” His voice caught.
With a start, his reaction to my drunken ardour at the Hunt Ball came flooding back and suddenly I was mortified. He didn’t notice my discomfort though, and just kept talking.
“Those months were the longest of my life. I tried to get her help, I even booked her into a facility, told everyone she was on a holiday but, within six hours of her coming back, she was at it again. And I will never forgive myself for making her so miserable and not being able to fix her.
“Then, that last afternoon . . .”
His voice cracked and I crossed the room to sit on the bed beside him, my hand on his arm, but he continued, the words spilling out in a rush.
“That afternoon I was in Ballynoe Stud when Fenton drove in behind me, and he looked at me and I knew something was wrong. And I grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him and then he told me that the children were okay, that she had left them in the house for some reason – well, I suppose in her warped way she didn’t want them in the car when she was – well, anyway, she was dead. And I was glad! That’s the kind of person I am, Holly. She was dead, the children were okay, it was over and all I could do was thank God.”
His head sank into this hands and I put my arm around his shoulders.
“Oh Mark, no one could blame you,” I said softly, but he had calmed now, as if a huge weight had been lifted from him.
“Well, I’m not so sure, and it’s something I will never, ever forgive myself for.” He turned to look at me, his mouth set in a grim line.“But that’s not my point, Holly. I need you to see why I can’t ask you to stay here with me.”
I looked at him blankly, as he reached out one hand and pushed my hair behind my ear.
“And I want to, God knows I want to, but I have no right to bring you into this situation. You don’t belong here any more than she did. And I can never, ever put another human being through that again. I killed Emma, Holly, as sure as if I’d crashed into her car myself.”
“Mark, you didn’t!”
“I did! I tried to change her, and it didn’t work. Just like you trying to change that loser you’re with now won’t work either – it never does.”
“It’s not the same thing at all,” I almost laughed. “People change all the time.”
“Well, let me tell you now, he has no interest in changing – why would he? He has everything exactly as he wants it.”
“That’s a ridiculous thing to say. Anyway, I can’t back out now!” I didn’t like where this conversation was going at all.
“How is it ridiculous? Can’t you see, it’s never too late! Do you really want to end up like me, afraid to admit that you’ve made a mistake, stuck in something awful until it really is too late?”
“Mark, he’s on his way!” I sprang to my feet. “He’s left her, for me, and he’s on his way and I should be pac
ked and ready. He’ll go mad if he gets here and there’s a strange man in my bedroom!” I started to shove things into my bag. “It’s not fair that you should try and ruin this for me!”
“I’m not trying to ruin it for you!”
“You are! You’re just like all the rest of them. Oh, Holly has messed up again, typical Holly, that’s all she does, you know, ricochet from one disaster to another. Well, this isn’t a disaster! He’s here. For me. How dare you assume that I’m just like you? Why can’t you see that this is exactly what I want? Now, please, get out of my room and just leave me alone!”
He opened his mouth to say something, then at the look of outrage on my face he shut it again.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “Of course you’re right.”
And with that he turned and left the room. I watched him leave, watched the door close behind him and then looked at my half-packed bags beside me. And then I put my head in my hands and cried like my heart would break.
Chapter 55
At exactly one o’clock I heard a car pull up outside and the excited voices of the children coming home. I went down the stairs slowly, my heart heavy.
Mark and his mother were at the front door and I knew from her expression that he’d told her.
“Holleeee!” Jamie roared when he saw me, and before I could even bend down there were two sets of arms wrapped around me. I sank to my knees and enveloped the two children in a huge hug.
“Oh guys, I’m so glad you’re back. Did you have a good holiday? I’ve something to tell you . . .”
The front door slammed with a bang. I looked up. Mark was gone. I looked over the two blonde heads at his mother but she just shrugged her shoulders, smiling sadly.
“Holly is going on her own little holiday, and I wanted to say goodbye to you before I go.”
“You’re going away?” asked Jamie, a frown on his little face.
“I am, sweetie.”
“But who’s going to mind us?”
“Well,” I looked up at Mrs Fielding, who nodded, “your nana, and maybe Dawn – and Daddy of course.”
“But I don’t want you to go. You said you’d never go!”
Jamie looked at me, his eyes wide in panic, and I actually thought my heart was going to snap clean in two.
How had I ever thought I could do this? I could hardly speak with the lump in my throat and I could feel the tears rise up behind my eyes.
“I never said that, sweetie, but, you know, you’re going to be so busy – you’ll have to help Daddy get the house ready for Christmas, and help Amber to be good, and –”
Just then the doorbell rang, and I knew it could only be Oliver. I looked pleadingly at Mark’s mother who was over in an instant, taking an oblivious Amber and mournful Jamie into the kitchen.
I looked at the closed front door, and I could see Oliver’s form through the glass.
He was here.
Taking a deep breath I opened the door.
“Start spreading the news!” he burst into song in a deep voice and then stopped at the look on my face. “What in God’s name is wrong with you?”
“Nothing. I’m just . . . nothing,” I said lamely. What could I say to him? That my heart was breaking at leaving this shoddy little house? That the thought of never seeing Mark again was tearing me in two, that leaving the children was something I still wasn’t sure I could actually do . . .
The children.
I felt a wave of nauseating panic rise in my chest. My notes! I hadn’t given anyone my notes! I ushered Oliver into the playroom and made him sit down on the bright green couch.
“Eh, what am I doing in here?”
“You’re waiting for me. God knows I waited for you for long enough!” I snapped.
I rushed upstairs and got my notes. Then I stuck my head around the kitchen door and called Mrs Fielding out to the hall.
“Yes, love,” she said.
“Oh, Mrs Fielding – I wonder could I give these to you, for the next –” I gulped, “for the next girl.” I held out my tearstained scribbles. “I’m sorry, they should be typed – they’re a disgrace really, but maybe I could email – or you could give her my . . .” I couldn’t finish.
“Oh Holly, slow down, don’t be getting yourself upset. Take as much time as you need.”
“There isn’t any time!” I wailed. “There isn’t any because I need to be on a plane and nobody else knows – nobody else knows anything about this house!”
I could hold the tears back no longer as I spoke.
“I mean everyone thinks Amber is so bold, but she’s not, she’s really not, it’s just that she had no one, no one to show her any love or discipline or attention – for Christ’s sake she’s only two! And Jamie,” I gulped, “everyone thinks he’s fine cos he’s quiet but he’s even worse – I didn’t even really get started with him – he’s missed his whole childhood so far – he’s seen things no child should ever see, and now I’m leaving him too so he’ll probably be even worse – and Mark – oh God, Mark!”
I started to sob now and Mrs Fielding could do nothing but hold me in her arms until I’d calmed down enough to be able to speak.
“What about Mark, Holly love?”
“Mark needs some help too because, well, he thinks he killed Emma and he didn’t, he just didn’t know what to do and he deserves so much not to carry that around for the rest of his life.”
“Shhh, Holly, don’t be upsetting yourself like this.”
“I tried to make things better here, I really did, but now I’ve just made everything worse!” The sobs were uncontrollable now.
“Hush now, sweetheart, of course you haven’t. Mark’s a new man since you came. But, Holly, about Mark . . .”
I instantly knew what she was going to say but I wouldn’t let her finish. “Oh please don’t,” I shook my head, “there really is no point. Oliver’s here and Mark, well, he’s not ready. So please. Don’t.”
This topic seemed to snap me out of my hysteria.
“I’m sorry, Mrs Fielding, you really must think I’m some kind of psychopath, but I’ve grown so fond of – of everyone . . .” My voice trailed off.
“I’ll mind them all for you,” she said softly and I nodded my thanks before going upstairs for my stuff.
“You okay?” Oliver squeezed my hand as I fastened my seatbelt.
I nodded, looking out the window at the house one last time. Bloody Meadowlands. Thank God Mrs Fielding had taken the children down to the village to see Santa who was today doling out presents from a grotto in Brophy’s Butchers.
I could see Dawn’s car in her driveway, but I’dchickened out of phoningher. I’d left a note instead, with my email address, if she wanted it.
But I doubted she would.
I’d let her down badly, more than she would ever know.
Somewhere in Dublin there was somebody else ranting and raving and crying and weeping because their boyfriend had been cheating.
With me.
This was not my finest moment.
“Eh, this is it, Holls. Me and you.” Oliver squeezed my cold hand again and I managed a watery smile. “I know we could only fly to London today, but we’ll get to New York tomorrow. Just think – you’ll get to show me your favourite city!”
I nodded, guilty that I couldn’t get more excited. Surely it couldn’t be right that my heart felt like it was cracking in two? Sweet Divine God, why could I never just be happy with what I had?
I took a deep breath.“Yes,it’ll be super. You’ll love it there.”
“Yes, well, I’ll be with you – that’s all I want right now.”
I smiled at his excitement, tearing my eyes away from the window. There was no point in looking at the house any longer – there was no one to wave me off.
I was leaving just as quietly as I’d come.
Oliver swung the Audi out onto the main road, and it started to eat up the miles. The further away we got from the village, the easier it became to forget the traum
a of the last few hours. And the further away we got, the more surreal the whole experience became. It was as if I were in a trance, on automatic pilot.
“You’re very quiet,” Oliver said eventually after we’d travelled in silence for several miles.
“I know, I’m sorry, I suppose it’s just hard to believe it’s all really happening.”
“Well, it is, baby, just as we’d planned.”
“Well, not quite,” I smiled. “It’s a pity about your promotion, but I’m sure you’ll find a job in no time.”
“Well, now,” Oliver winked at me, “I’ll let you in on a little secret there! I got my promotion, ten days ago, so the silly bitch can do nothing about that!” He started to laugh, not even noticing that I’d snatched my hand away.
“I beg your pardon?”
“The promotions were last week. I got manager, baby!”
“And why didn’t you tell me?” I could hardly get the words out.
“Well, I was going to, of course, but I, eh, I had a few things to investigate first.”
“What kind of things?”
“Well, you know, options.”
“You mean you weren’t sure about New York?”
“Oh Holly, enough of the inquisition! You’re making a much bigger deal of this than it is!”
“I don’t think I am, Oliver. The ‘deal’ was – the minute you got promoted, we went to the States – that’s what we’ve been waiting for.”
“I know, and that’s what we’re doing. For Christ’s sake, Holly, you’re never happy!”
“Stop the car!” I said quietly.
“What?”
“Stop the car!”
“For fuck’s sake, Holly, what are you on about? We’re halfway up the Naas Dual Carriageway – why would I stop the fucking car?”
“It’s because she found out, isn’t it?”
“Isn’t what?”
“You’re only coming with me because Catherine found out about us and whatever little plan you were hatching for Dublin has all gone down the tubes.”
Between You and Me Page 35