Richie’s dad works for Chrysler’s so they got all the movie channels: HBO, Showtime, Cinemax. To be honest, I don’t care what we watch so long as we’re sitting side by side as we flip thru the stations.
“Oooh…What’s this?”
The Sophomore stops on a scene of a woman getting banged from behind in what looks like an English country garden. I immediately recognize it as Young Lady Chatterly Two, starring some chick whose name I don’t remember, and “Nick the Dick” from Bachelor Party.
‘member the scene where Tom Hanks’s fiancée and all her girlfriends, including fat Wendie Jo What’s-Her-Face from Bosom Buddies, go to that Chippendales-style strip club for their bach-elorette party, and Tom and his all friends sneak in and pay the totally hot waiter to sandwich his schwantz between those hot dog buns? That’s the guy I’m talking about.
Me and Jack used to watch YLC2 whenever I spent the night at his house back in junior high and they were showing it on Skinemax. If I remember correctly, the premise has something to do with Young Lady Chatterly II feeling neglected by her husband, so she seeks love and affection elsewhere. In this particular scene, she finds it with her Cockney-accented gardener, Thomas. Talk about a Total Babe! Lemme tell ya, I passed many a moment fantasizing about this guy, you know what I mean?
Stemming from the fact that I’m totally wasted (and totally horny) off two sips of Frangelico, I ask Richie, “If you were a girl, would you think that guy’s hot?”
He turns to look me directly in the eyes. “Why would I have to be a girl?” Then he says, “What about you? Would you think he’s hot if you were a girl?”
I hesitate. “I asked you first.”
Richie pulls me into a headlock, quoting The Breakfast Club: “‘Just answer the question, Claire.’”
In my mind, I hear Miss Horchik: “To thine ownself be true.”
Looking up at him, head in his lap, I confess, “I totally would.”
The Sophomore responds, “I thought so,” a shit-eating grin gracing his gorgeous face.
What’s that supposed to mean?
Hungry Eyes
“I’ve been meaning to tell you
I’ve got this feelin’ that won’t subside…”
—Eric Carmen
“Another openin’, another show…”
Only this one’s right here in good old Hazeltucky. Not “in Philly, Boston, or Baltimo’.”
That’s a reference from Kiss Me Kate, a factoid I wasn’t privy to till earlier this year when Mr. Fish forced us to sing a schmed-ley of show tunes featuring such classics as:
“The Sound of Music” from The Sound of Music.
“Fiddler on the Roof” from Fiddler on the Roof.
And “Camel-cock”—I mean, “Camelot”—from Camelot.
Every time we got to “Anything Goes,” from (what else?) Anything Goes, Hal would be all like, “Give it up for La Merm!” All the while wiping his pits with his sweaty sweat rag…Bogue!
After about the bijillionth time, we were like, “Who?”
Of course, Hal looked at us like we were all on drugs, and not just the Burn-Outs. “Don’t tell me you kids don’t know Ethel Merman?”
Soon as I heard the name, it called to mind my favorite episode from The Love Boat. ’member the one where Julie’s aunt, Doc’s ex-mother-in-law, Isaac’s mom, and Gopher’s mom come aboard the Pacific Princess to perform in a musical revue? Except each one of the old bags thinks she’s the star of the show. So backstage, it’s nothing but barbs and diva fits the entire time they’re together.
Well, it turns out Julie’s aunt was played by Carol Channing, the original Dolly in Hello, Dolly!, Doc’s ex-mother-in-law was Ann Miller, star of some Broadway show, Sugar Babies, with Mickey Rooney, Isaac’s mom was Della Reese, a native Detroit gospel singer, and Gopher’s mom was none other than…Ethel “Everything’s Coming Up Roses” Merman.
Anyways!
Tonight is Opening Night of A Christmas Carol, adapted by Lynn Stevens, based on the novel by Charles Dickens. The tension backstage is cut-it-with-a-knife thick. It’s been that way with each and every play I acted in since second semester Sophomore year. Picture a bunch of Dickensian-dressed Thespians running around exclaiming, “My lines, my lines…I can’t remember my lines!” from the old Detroit Zoo commercial…’member?
“Next!”
In addition to serving as Sophomore Student Director, Miranda Resnick graciously offered to help us with hair and makeup at each performance.
“Try not to make me look too old,” Richie begs Madame Artiste.
“You’re playing Scrooge, aren’t you?”
“I know…”
“Well, Scrooge is an old dude,” Miranda reminds her victim.
The Sophomore sighs. “I know…”
I can totally see where the guy’s coming from. Call me vain, but no matter what part I’m playing, I still wanna look attractive. And I totally think I do in my 19th century waistcoat and ascot. At least one good thing came out of not being cast as Scrooge.
I can’t tell you how glamorous I feel surrounded by all the lights, sitting at the makeup counter, waiting my turn while perusing the program—I mean, TheatreGoer. Who the fuck ever decided to name it that?
Time to check out the bios…
Oh, look who’s first!
BRAD DAYTON(Bob Cratchit) is no stranger to the HPHS stage. Previous roles include Will Parker in Oklahoma!, Seymour in Little Shop of Horrors, and James Keller in The Miracle Worker. A Senior, Brad is President of Thespian Troupe #4443, 1st chair trombone in Wind Ensemble, and a member of Chorale. He dedicates his performance to his mom, Laura.
DARLENE ELLINGTON(Peg, Mrs. Fessiwig) is a Sophomore. She plays JV tennis and is making her stage debut in A Christmas Carol. “Thanks, Dell!”
TUESDAY GUNDERSON(Ghost of Christmas Present) made her acting debut in 4th grade as the Narrator of “Casey at the Bat.” HPHS roles include Gertie Cummings in Oklahoma!, a blind girl in The Miracle Worker, and Mrs. Luce in Little Shop of Horrors. She is a Senior member of Chorale and Flag Corps, and serves as Treasurer of Thespian Troupe #4443. “Pasquale’s!”
After Opening Night of every show, the Drama Queers always end up at Big Boy’s, something they been doing since long before I ever became one. I don’t know why, but all thru A Christmas Carol rehearsals, Tuesday’s been bugging us to try some new place up on 13 Mile and Woodward.
Well, we ain’t going to Pasquale’s, Gunderson…So get over it!
WILL ISAACS(Fessiwig) is a Junior. He plays trombone in Wind Ensemble, and sings bass in Chorale. Last year he played Dr. Anagnos in The Miracle Worker. He is a proud member of Thespian Troupe #4443. “Bang your head!”
LIZA LARSON(Belle) has been singing since age five and playing piano since age nine. She is happiest when performing on the HPHS stage. Past roles include Audrey in Little Shop of Horrors. Liza is a Senior member of Chorale and plays flute in Wind Ensemble. “For Gus.”
Liza’s been going with the same guy since like 7th grade at Beecher. I don’t really know him, but Gus graduated from HPHS in ’86 with my sister, Janelle. He seems totally cool, and Liza dedicates every song she ever sings in Chorale to him. I’m sure they’ll eventually end up married with a kid, if not several.
CLARISSA MOODY(Mrs. Cratchit) appeared as Anne Sullivan in the HPHS production of The Miracle Worker. She also served as Sophomore Student Director on Oklahoma! She is co-captain of Flag Corps, Secretary of Thespian Troupe #4443, and writes her own column, “Fashion Faux Pas,” in The Hazel Parker. Clarissa is thrilled to be graduating from HPHS this June. She plans to pursue a career in Journalism. “Spiffy!”
BILLY PATERNO(Tiny Tim) is a 4th grader at Longfellow School. He enjoys acting, singing, playing Star Wars, Transformers, and chess. “For Mom, Dad, Jackie, and Jodi.”
ZACHARY RAKOFF(Solicitor, Ghost of Christmas Future) has no idea how he got talked into being in this play! He is a Senior member of Flag Corps, Thespian Troupe #4443, and he plays
piccolo in Wind Ensemble. Someday he hopes to make the big bucks selling a screenplay to Hollywood. “Thanks for the mayonnaise cake, Mom!”
Okay, here’s the story…
Back when we were in 7th grade Enriched English & Social Studies with Ms. Lemieux, we had a Christmas party. Well, Rakoff decided he wanted to make his mom’s special mayonnaise cake. Only instead of actually asking her for the recipe, he bought a box of Duncan Hines and added Hellman’s to it…Talk about bogue!
RON REYNOLDS(Ebenezer, the boy, Peter Cratchit) is a Sophomore. A Christmas Carol is his first play. He hopes to join Thespian Troupe #4443 in the spring if he’s invited. “Thanks, Dell!”
CHARLIE RICHARDSON(Fred, Ebenezer, the young man) returns to the HPHS stage after playing Bobby Embrey in The Skeleton Walks, a bum in Little Shop of Horrors, Percy in The Miracle Worker, and Ike Skidmore in Oklahoma! He is a Senior member of Chorale, and Thespian Troupe #4443. “I know you are, but what am I!”
KEITH TREVA(Marley’s Ghost) is a Junior. He sings baritone in Chorale, plays JV basketball, and is a member of Thespian Troupe #4443. One day he hopes to become a professional actor and change his name to Frank Booth. “For Debbie!”
When I turn to the next page, what I see there totally warms my heart…
RICH TYLER(Ebenezer Scrooge) is proud to be making his HPHS stage debut in A Christmas Carol. A Sophomore, he enjoys playing alto sax in Symphony Band, singing with Varsity Choir, and lifting weights. “To B. Thanks for showing me the ropes!”
I didn’t know The Sophomore was gonna mention me in his bio.
The question is why?
It’s not like I did something special and he owes me. So I took him under my wing, and taught him the difference between stage left and stage right. No biggie!
To be honest, I can’t figure out what’s up with this kid.
All week I been thinking about what he said to me last Saturday night: “I thought so.”
Obviously he wasn’t surprised when I all but admitted I’m a Total Fag, but it’s not like he said he cared. And he sure as hell didn’t say he’s a Total Fag, too! In fact, he just changed the channel and sat there sipping his beer.
Until finally I was like, “I’m tired,” totally faking a yawn.
“You wanna go to bed?” Richie asked, not taking his eyes off Whitney Houston dancing about the screen looking for somebody who loves her…Is it just me or is the hair she’s sporting in that video totally a wig?
“Where am I sleeping?” I wondered.
“Upstairs.”
We climbed the steps leading to The Sophomore’s room.
“Upstairs where?”
“Where do you think?”
Okay…
At first, I thought maybe Richie had bunk beds, the way Jack used to at his house. This was not the case. Once we got up to his U of M shrine, I seen a single twin bed.
“We both can’t fit on that thing,” I decided, not wanting to put him out. “I’ll sleep on the couch.”
He insisted, “There’s plenty of room,” giving me a sly look. “I won’t bite you.”
What if I want you to?
The Sophomore stripped down to his short-shorts.
I was about to get undressed myself. Until he started doing push-ups.
The knobs of his shoulder blades.
The curve of his lats.
The hollow of his spine spilling down to his…
“Be right back.”
I realized I should excuse myself to the bathroom. Not because I’m shy or anything, but…
“What’s-a matter?” Richie jumped to his feet, huffing. “You got a hard-on or something?”
How the hell did he know?
Needless to say, I didn’t get a whole lotta sleep that night laying in bed beside him. And not just because I was smashed up against the wall with his ass in my side!
Back in the HPHS dressing room…
“What are you staring at?”
Richie totally catches me gawking.
“Nothing,” I lie, thinking how totally fucked up this situation is…And how hot the tops of his pecs look poking out from his V-neck undershirt.
“Just sit there and read your program,” Richie teases. “And keep quiet.”
“Fuck you!” I spit, totally sarcastic.
He responds, “‘No, Dad…What about you?’”, à la Judd Nelson, and we both burst into hysterics.
“Hey, hey, hey!”
For a second, it’s like we forgot there’s somebody else here in the room with us.
“Sorry.”
Miranda stares down her nose over the top of her tortoiseshell frames. “Time is money,” she spouts, even though nobody’s being paid anything to be here.
Richie’s eyes meet mine.
Those beautiful blue eyes!
Like a game, we hold our gaze.
Why is he teasing me like this?
With Miranda here, the last thing I wanna do is sprout wood.
I can’t take it anymore!
Immediately, I focus my attention back to my program—I mean, TheatreGoer.
MICHELLE WINTERS(Fan, Martha Cratchit) is a Sophomore, making her stage debut. She sings soprano in Varsity Choir and plays flute in Symphony Band. “Dedicated to my parents, and my sister Mary.”
AUDREY WOJCZEK(Ghost of Christmas Past) was last seen on the HPHS stage as Chiffon in Little Shop. Other roles include Mrs. Embrey in The Skeleton Walks, Ado Annie in Oklahoma!, and Kate Keller in The Miracle Worker. She is Vice-President of Thespian Troupe #4443, and a member of both Chorale and Flag Corps. “I love you, Rob!”
MIRANDA RESNICK(Sophomore Student Director) is a Sophomore (duh!) She enjoys singing in Varsity Choir, and is very active in her church, Calvary Baptist. This is her first time being involved with Drama, but hopefully not her last. “Ministry Rules!”
“What are those for?” Richie whines, causing me to look up and over at him again.
Obviously Miranda’s not done working her magic yet. With an eyebrow pencil, she draws a line from Richie’s nostrils down each side of his mouth.
“They’re nasal-labial folds,” she declares with the utmost confidence.
Sure enough, according to Stage Makeup by Richard Corson, which Miranda’s got open on the table beside her, that’s indeed what they’re called. Of course, I can’t help but cringe when I hear the word labial…Bogue!
After tracing each dark line with a light one “to create highlight and shadow,” Miss Resnick gently powder-puffs Mr. Tyler’s face, making sure everything sets, and voilà…
I barely recognize the old man I see before me.
“Now you’re done,” Miranda confirms, closing the book with a snap.
The strands of long gray and white hair poking out from beneath the old-fashioned top hat on Richie’s head add the finishing touches to his costume. I didn’t think it was possible, but he really does look like Ebenezer Scrooge.
Miranda hugs us both, adding the customary “Break a leg!”
“You, too!” I say, even though I don’t know if it’s something one tells the Sophomore Student Director or not.
Richie replies, “Bah, humbug.”
To quote Sally Brown from Peanuts: “Isn’t he the cutest thing?”
I can’t help but feel sorta jealous watching The Sophomore about to go on stage as the star of the show. I mean, I’m totally happy for him and proud of the work he’s doing. Yet at the same time I keep thinking, I wish it was me…Does an actor ever get over this feeling?
“Father!”
At that moment, Billy Paterno bounds into the dressing room looking for his stage dad—namely me.
I ask, “Is your family here tonight?” after we do a quick run-thru of our lines.
Billy adjusts his little newsboy hat. “Just my mom and dad, and my sister.” Next, he checks himself out in the mirror, tightening the scratchy scarf around his neck.
“Where’s your brother?”
This is what I really been wondering.
<
br /> “He went with our uncle Roy to see Judy Tenuta,” he replies, acting like it’s no biggie, yet sounding a little hurt.
Okay, now I’m pissed!
I don’t care if Jack doesn’t consider me his Best Friend anymore. Or if I got a show tonight so I totally couldn’t go with him anyways…He knows how much I (capital) L-O-V-E Judy Tenuta! Why the hell wasn’t I invited?
Of course, I’m not gonna let on to Billy that I’m mad.
Calmly I question, “Where’s Judy Tenuta performing?”
Jack’s uncle is a comedian, too, and I know he sometimes works at The Comedy Castle in Royal Oak.
“Someplace called Ann Arbor,” Billy reports.
To tell the truth, I’m surprised he even knows who Judy Tenuta is!
Not that it’s any of my business, but I ask, “Did they go by themselves?”
Billy hops up onto the makeup counter, his short little legs dangling in their navy blue britches. “Jackie took some guy with him.”
“You mean Max?”
I thought Max had to work at Farmer Jack’s tonight. That’s what he told me when I invited him to come see the play.
“Nah…Some guy, Tim.”
Tim?
As far as I know, Jack doesn’t know anybody named Tim…And then it hits me.
“You mean, Tom?”
“Maybe,” says Billy. “He wears a jacket with a letter on it.”
He’s gotta mean Tom Fulton.
What the fuck?
Since when is former Band Fag Jack Paterno, hanging out with Jock Jerk Tom Fulton? I mean, I know Tom’s going with Betsy Sheffield and she’s friends with Jack and all, but last I knew, Jack (capital) H-A-T-E-D Tom, and vice versa.
Like I said, ever since we were in 7th grade, Tom Fulton’s been nothing but a Total Asshole to Jack and me both. Except for that one time we went over his house with Max and we got him to call the phone-sex party line pretending he was a girl…Now that I know Tom is hanging around with Jack, it makes me call his heterosexuality into question even more.
Drama Queers! Page 15