by Ashley Jade
In part, due to the three-hour visit that we had when I first got here. He opened up to me and told me the truth about everything. When he left, we both practically had tears in our eyes. He also offered to do what DeLuca did for me. He offered to pay off the judge and have evidence planted again, but I declined.
He said he would figure something else out, but I told him that unless it was legit, I wasn't interested.
I want to be free on my own merits, even though a big part of me knows that won't ever happen.
I hug Tyrone next and seeing him in his wheelchair kills me. He gives me that look that tells me he's doing okay and follows it up with a smile. I smile back because I know that he's going to pull through this.
Finally, I turn and face Alyssa.
Then I force myself to back away. She looks hurt, and I hate myself for doing that to her. But I can't kiss her. I can't hug her. I can't touch her because if I do I'm afraid I won't ever stop. I'll unravel and I won't make it through prison if that happens.
We all sit down at the table and Ricardo's the first to speak. “I hired a lawyer for you. He's the best on the East Coast.”
My ears start ringing because this whole thing is all too familiar. “I told you I wanted everything to be legit.”
“It is,” he assures me.
“I wish you wouldn't waste your money. I'm not getting out of here. The prosecutors going to have a field day with me because they know that I don't regret it. They know that I'm going to accept whatever happens. There's no point in fighting this.”
Ricardo lets out a frustrated sigh.
Tyrone looks pissed and opens his mouth to argue, but Alyssa stands up and puts her hands on her hips. “Ricardo do you think you can distract the guards for a little? I need to speak to Jackson alone.”
“You got it,” Ricardo says before him and Tyrone leave.
The slap across my face knocks me for a loop. “Snap out of it, Jackson!” Alyssa screams.
I stare at her wide-eyed. “There's nothing to snap out of. I love you but I need you to come to terms with this. I need you to find someone else. Someone who's good. Someone who can take care of you an—”
She sits back down and points a finger at me. “Shut up. There is no one else, there will never be anyone else. I know you're scarred because of the first time you were in prison. I get it. I know you've given up all hope of the system working in your favor but you can't. I still believe that good things can happen. I haven't in awhile, but I do now, Jackson.”
“I wish you wouldn't because it will only hurt you in the end. And I don't want to hurt you, Alyssa.”
She leans forward. “There's still some good in the world.” Her brow crinkles. “Now can you do something for me? Please?”
“You know I will.”
“I just need you to believe. Believe in me. Believe in yourself.”
She stands up and reaches for my hand before placing it over her stomach. “Believe in us. Because I do.”
Her stomach feels just like it always has, but for some reason, my heart rate skyrockets and I've never felt more nauseous in my life. “Alyssa, why did you put my hand on your stomach?”
She plays with her necklace. “Because I know deep down that you're scared. And I think you need some extra strength. But I know you can do it. I know you can get through this.” She places her hand over mine. “You're not getting rid of us. We're going to be a team for life.”
Tears sting my eyes as I remember everything she told me about the last conversation with her father.
And that's when I realize.
She said us.
“How? Not that I'm not—” I pause because I really don't know what I am.
Actually, I do. I'm fucking scared out of my mind. This is a different kind of scared that I've never experienced before.
But I'm strangely happy, too. Christ, does that even make any sense?
“I didn't think to use a backup when I was sick and on antibiotics. I'm sorry. I know it's not ideal. I know our situation is completely—” she pauses and exhales.
I place my hands on her hips and move her closer to me. “Scary?” I offer.
She blinks away tears. “Yeah. It is...but I know we can do this. No matter what happens. We'll get through this somehow. I don't give a fuck what the rest of the world thinks about you. Our baby will know their daddy is a good man, because they will know you.”
She runs her hand through my hair and I place a kiss on her belly. “Okay.” A sense of calm washes over me. “No matter what happens, I'll still believe in us.”
I stand up and give her a hug. Ricardo and Tyrone's eyes meet mine. They both pat the spot over their heart and I smile.
Our visit ends after that but Ricardo walks over to me right before the guards take me away.
“Make sure you go to the recreation room tonight.”
“Why?”
He starts walking. “Because there's a television in there.”
“And by the way, you have a meeting with your new lawyer tomorrow,” he calls out before he walks out the door.
Chapter 41 (Jackson)
I walk into the recreation room and find a seat. I have no idea what's going on, but Ricardo insisted I come here.
Since there's nothing better to do, I decide, to start playing cards with another inmate.
“Hit or Stay?”
I eye my cards. “Hit.”
Dammit. I lost. Story of my life.
“Yo, man. That dude on T.V looks just like you,” some guy calls out.
I pick the cards up and begin to shuffle them.
“Yo, man,” the guy shouts.
My card-mate tilts his head. “I think he's talking to you.” I turn my head but get distracted by my image on the screen.
Then I hear the words that I'll never forget. “My name is Jackson Reid. There are two things you need to know about me. The first—is that I'm in love with Alyssa Tanner. The second—is that I'm a murderer.”
“That is me,” I tell the guy.
Me and my entire confession. On the fucking news.
What was Alyssa thinking? I didn't even realize she still had that.
“A new video has gone viral,” the newscaster says after my video ends. “It's sweeping across the nation and has garnered the attention of all social media sites.”
My chest tightens. I don't know if this is a good thing or bad.
Every inmate in the room and a few of the guards start watching the television with earnest.
The newscaster's face becomes serious. “We at WKWNY decided to take it to the streets of N.Y with our news correspondent Anne Walley to find out what your opinion is regarding Jackson Reid's leaked confessional tape. Do you think he should stay in prison, America?”
“Shit, man,” the inmate across from me says. “If that was my baby sis. You best believe I would have done the same damn thing.”
There are a few nods of agreement around the room, but I don't get my hopes up. These are my fellow inmates, after all.
Anne Walley holds the microphone up to a woman with short blonde hair carrying her puppy in one of those big designer purses. She looks nice, maybe this won't be so bad.
“Jackson Reid should spend the rest of his life in a prison cell. What is wrong with you people! He's a killer. He shouldn't be allowed to roam free. You don't take the law into your own hands. You do the crime, you do the time,” she bellows, before she pets her puppy.
I close my eyes. This is worse than torture. At least, I'll be well prepared for court. I told Ricardo not to waste his money.
I open my eyes as Anne Walley approaches another person and asks their opinion. A male this time. He's about 17 or 18 and he's wearing a baseball cap backwards on his head. “I don't know,” he says appearing to be lost in thought. “I mean, I don't really like my little sister all that much.” He looks down. “But, if someone ever hurt her or worse, killed her. I can't say that I wouldn't do the same, you know? I guess I can understand where h
e's coming from.”
Anne approaches another bystander. It's another woman. She's in her late 30's and she's holding a crying toddler in her arms. “I'm a Jackson Reid supporter. We need more men like him in the world.” She looks down at her child. “I don't want my little girl to live in a world where domestic abusers can get away with hurting or killing others. I want her to live in a world where there's men like Jackson Reid who aren't afraid stand up and get revenge for women like his sister.”
Anne approaches another woman. She's in her mid-20's and has a few shopping bags in her hand. “Well, I have a few ex-boyfriends that I'd like Jackson Reid to take care of.”
Her face turns sad. “But in all seriousness. Have you seen that video? Ignore the fact that he's good looking and actually listen to the pain he's in, people. The guy lost his sister. She was killed by his best friend. Beaten to death. Can you really blame the guy, Anne? I don't think he should be serving any time. It's obvious that he's already suffered enough.”
Anne approaches another person. A man in his late 40's this time. He has a beard and a few tattoos. “I don't have a sister,” he pauses. “But I do have a daughter. And if any—” There's a beep. And another beep. “Put his—” another beep. “Hands on her or killed her, you'd better believe I'd find his—” another beep. “and kill him with my bare hands!” he screams into the camera before he briskly walks away.
The recreation room erupts in applause. But then Anne approaches another woman.
Oh, god. It's Momma.
“Jackson Reid is my son,” she says in her southern twang.
Anne Walley looks skeptical. “I'm sorry ma'am, did you say your son?” Momma gives her a look and grabs the mic. “That's right. He's my boy. And this—” The camera moves and I see Tyrone, Shelby, Ricardo and Alyssa. My heart squeezes.
“Is his family,” Momma continues as they all nod in unison. “We love him. He's a good man, America. He's not perfect, but he's got a heart like no one else and a good soul. Judge not, lest you be judged is all I'm sayin'.”
The camera focuses back on Anne. “Well, there you have it, folks.”
***
I walk into the room and I immediately want to turn right back around. This can't be my new lawyer.
She's too young. Younger than me. Maybe even younger than Alyssa, who knows.
The one thing I do know is...there's no way she's the best lawyer on the East Coast.
“I'm sorry. I think there's been a mistake,” I say before turning around.
“There's no mistake, Jackson. My name is Michelle. I know you were probably expecting my father.”
Needless to say, she's got my attention. “I didn't mean to be rude. I'm just—”
She holds out her hand. “Worried? Scared? Nervous?”
I shake her hand. “All of the above.”
She sits down. “My dad is the big wig in the family. The one Ricardo spoke to and hired, actually.”
I take a seat, although, I'm not sure why, but for some reason I feel compelled to. “No offense, Michelle. But if your dad is the lawyer. Then why are you here?”
She smiles and tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. “Well, I'm a lawyer too, actually.”
“Oh, so I guess you're just taking care of some of the paperwork for him?”
She pulls out a briefcase. “No. I actually asked my father if it would be okay to take on this case myself.”
I shift in my seat, trying to think of a polite way to decline and tell her that I need her father. “Look, you seem really nice and—”
“I went to school with Lilly.”
I feel the gravitational tug on my heart from hearing her name. Well, that would explain why she looks so young.
She folds her hands on the table. “We had a few classes together at Harvard. I'd like to think we were friends. Your sister was an amazing person.”
“I know.”
“I saw the subtle change in her, Jackson. She went from being happy-go-lucky and so full of life and happiness to being miserable.”
I put my head in my hands. “I should have noticed the signs. I should have—”
“She would have denied it,” she says. “I tried talking to her a few times and it was like talking to a brick wall. The only thing that confronting her did was make her distance herself more.”
She holds my gaze. “Abuse victims leave their abusers on average seven times before they leave for good. It wasn't her fault, but she would have stayed until she found the strength within herself to leave.”
I look down. “But if I knew...I could have saved her life.”
“No,” she says. “And you know why? Because Lilly already knew she could go to you, Jackson. She knew how much you loved her. She knew that if she called you and said that she needed you that you would have been right there. She knew that.”
I look up. “Why didn't she?”
That's the question that will always haunt me. Why didn't she? I would have done anything for her, anything.
“Because she blamed herself for the pain,” she whispers. “Because he made her. That's what abusers do. They tear you down piece by piece and bit by bit. Until there's nothing left anymore.”
She wipes her eyes. “But make no mistake about it. None of this was her fault. It was all him.”
“I know.” I sit up and look at her. “You know a lot about this.”
She nods. “I do.”
There's a moment of silence between us before she takes out a manila folder. “It's why I asked my dad if I could take on this case.” She bites the cap of her pen nervously. “But you'd really be taking a huge risk with me.”
“What do you mean?”
“This would be my very first case by myself.”
Oh, that's what she means.
I sit back and cross my arms. “Okay, Let's say I hire you. What's the argument?”
“I don't have one.”
“Look, I didn't go to law school. And I'm not nearly as smart as Lilly was...but I do know that defense attorneys should present an argument. You know, like self-defense, insanity, or an accidental killing.”
She crosses her arms, stares me down and I immediately feel it. “He wasn't attacking you, he attacked Lilly. You're not insane. And you don't regret it, so I'm not sure that going with an accidental killing defense would be the best way to go. So, the way I see it...that only leaves me with one choice.”
“Which is?”
“Telling the truth.”
I stand up and shake her hand. “You're hired.”
She jumps to her feet. “What? Really? You mean it?”
“Yup. That's the only way I want to win this case. And I can't help but think that if it was Lilly herself defending me, she would want the same.”
Chapter 42 (Jackson)
Four months later, I'm sitting in a courtroom watching my lawyer, Michelle stand before the jury for her closing argument.
As far as jury's go, this one is as versatile as it gets.
Out of the 12 jurors made up of my peers...six are female and six are male. They're all difference races, ages, occupations, and they all come from different backgrounds.
But only two of them have sisters.
Seven of them are only children. And the remaining three males have brothers.
Michelle told me not to let it get me down and to let her worry about that.
I turn around and look at my family. Tyrone and Ricardo's eyes find mine. They don't say a word, they just put their hands over their hearts and nod their heads. I look at Momma next. She mouths the words 'I love you,' and I mouth them back to her.
Then I scan the courtroom for Alyssa...but I can't find her.
She's been here every step of the way, so it's disheartening that she wouldn't be here today of all days.
Then it hits me. She won't be able to watch them find me guilty. Her heart won't be able to take it.
Suddenly, I'm glad she didn't come. It would put way too much emotional stress on both her and
the baby. I would never forgive myself if something happened to them because of me.
I feel guilty enough for putting her in the position that she's in.
But that's the only regret I feel, still to this day. And the jury knows it because I was honest with them and told them.
Right after Michelle played the video of my confession in court.
That was the only thing that Alyssa and her fought about. Professionally, Michelle was upset because it was going to make finding potential juror's that hadn't seen or watched the video that much harder.
However, personally, she understood why Alyssa did it.
I turn back around in my seat. I don't know whether to face the jury myself or not.
Michelle's not going to like it, but I decide not to. Even though I know that she wants to get their sympathy and she wants them to witness my pain.
But I don't want to look at the jurors because I don't want them to think that I'm purposely trying to intimidate or influence them somehow. And mostly, I don't want them to lose focus on Michelle during her closing speech.
So no, I won't look at the jury. Instead, I close my eyes and feel Lilly's presence around me. I silently tell her that I love her and I tell her that no matter what happens, none of it was ever her fault...because I think she needs to hear it much more than I ever did.
That's when I hear Michelle start to speak.
“Thank you for your attention ladies and gentlemen of the jury. By now, you've formulated your own personal opinion regarding my client, Mr. Jackson Reid. I know there's nothing that I could say to sway you in either direction at this point.”
She pauses. “You also know that by now, my argument has never been about self-defense. Because let's be honest; Mr. Reid was never defending himself against his own abuser. So, I'm not going to stand here and claim self- defense for Mr. Reid. Instead, I'll claim Lilly's defense.
“I'll also educate you on some facts regarding the law. To adequately determine the justification of deadly force in defense of a person, in a court of law, one must establish the existence of two main facts, first and foremost. One—you need to determine whether or not my client's use of deadly force was necessary to defend himself or rather, Lilly. Two— you need to determine if Mr. Reid did something that a 'reasonable person' would do in his position.