by Mia Wolf
Then what was going on?
“Clubbing,” I mustered. I couldn’t keep the sarcasm out of my voice, though it wasn’t for lack of trying. “Sounds fun.”
“Well,” Max said. “It was alright. You just missed some good grub.”
I didn’t have anything to say, and so I sipped at my glass of water. It was nearly empty.
“It would have been better if you’d been there,” Jordan said. “You know, we were talking, and we think that you and us—”
“Look,” I interrupted. “Whatever you’re going to say, I’m not interested.”
“What?”
“You guys think you can just do whatever you want, and we just go back to being like things were before, or whatever it is that’s in your brains, but you’re wrong. I’m not interested in you guys. Things have changed, and things won’t go back to the way they were. You guys do whatever you need to do in San Francisco today without me. I’ll meet you at reception in the morning, and we can just go home.”
“Emily,” Jordan said. He reached over to my hand that was around my water glass, but I moved it before he could reach it. “I don’t understand what you’re upset about.”
“I’m not interested in you,” I said, more firmly this time. “We had our fun, but I don’t want to revisit that. I’m not interested in the bad boy party bro thing that you have going on here. It’s gross. So let’s just leave it at that, okay?”
“Emily,” Jordan tried again. “I think you’re misunderstanding us. We want you. We only want you.”
I blinked, my eyes looking between the two of them. They both returned my gaze, faces arranged in complete earnest. I don’t think I had ever seen such concern on their faces about anything before this moment.
“We went to the club last night, and no one there interested us,” Max went on. “The club is what we used to live for when we were here. But it was just … empty.”
“Well yeah, you’re going to have a crap night out if there’s no one there to hook up with,” I said, rolling my eyes.
“No, the club itself was packed. But the feeling there was empty. It was nothing like when we were there dancing with you before.”
“We thought maybe,” Jordan said, then paused to take a drink of his own water in front of him. “We thought maybe you’d like to spend our last evening in the city out to dinner. Kind of like a date.”
I laughed. I couldn’t help myself. As soon as he said the word “date,” I realized they were having me on. They were making fun of me, playing some weird joke that I just did not get. They didn’t want me. We had a threesome, that’s all. Maybe that was the first threesome for them—it certainly was for me. But maybe it got them all giddy, and they realized they liked it and somehow had attributed it to me. But I knew better. They weren’t interested in me. It was something else. It had to be something else.
“No,” I said when I composed myself. “No, I won’t be doing that.”
“Why not?” Max asked. “We were so good together the other night. Didn’t you feel that?”
“All I felt was the hangover the next day,” I said coldly. “Max, Jordan, I told you, I’m not interested in whatever game you think this is. You need to forget this.”
“We don’t think this is a game,” Jordan said, his eyebrows coming together, almost in a stance of offense. “We’re serious. We think there’s something here, something that’s worth going after.”
“Well, I don’t,” I said. “I think you need to forget this. I need to forget this. This whole trip needs to be forgotten.”
I leaned down and rummaged in my purse for the pamphlets that I’d jotted my notes on. I dropped them on the table. “These are the solar panels we’ve got the budget for, and this is our budget. Is this enough?”
They blinked at me in confusion. Max reached over his folded cloth napkin fan and water glass and looked at my scribbles. “Yeah, that’s enough. We should get a decent set-up with that.”
“Is there anything we need to consider for the eastern panels?” I asked.
“No,” Jordan said quietly. “This should be fine.”
“Great. Now, If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to put in the order. I’ll see you at eight tomorrow morning at the check-out desk.”
I took the notes and my purse and left. I was regretting that I hadn’t given myself time to have any of the delicious smelling breakfast that was cooking but reminded myself that I could get room service all day long. Hell, I might even just have a bottle of wine to myself while I waited for the day to finally end so I could go to bed and go home in the morning.
***
It was on the tip of my tongue to ask to sit +separate of Jordan and Max on the flight back when we got our tickets from the ticket counter. I opened my mouth to do it but then realized how petty that sounded. This trip had been a disaster, but I could at least be an adult about it. Or at least, I thought I could. Besides, we all lived in Moonstone. While there were quite a few of us in the pack, it wasn’t a big enough population to avoid anyone there at all. I’d have to eventually play nice or face the consequences of disrupting the peace in the pack.
The notion annoyed me. It wasn’t my fault that those two were good looking and lured me into bed with them. If anyone would be disturbing the peace, it would be those guys.
Except, if I was honest with myself, I knew that wasn’t the case. I knew that I had wanted it just as much as they had. I remembered running my eyes over both of them as soon as we got into their room. I remembered the look I gave them and how badly I wanted to experience every part of them.
And I did. I was a very spoiled and lucky girl that night.
But one of how many women? How much of the San Francisco college girl population had those two slept with? How many girls outside of the college dorms? How much of it was unprotected? I mean, one of them was smart enough to have a condom on hand that night. Was Max always that thoughtless? What if I had been drunk enough not to care whether or not there was protection? Or what if they had been too drunk to think about protection at all?
No, they were both irresponsible. I had no business being a part of that.
I found myself getting wound up in the security line, thinking about what could have happened if we hadn’t been as sober as we were. Not to say that we were sober, but it could have been worse.
The guys tried to create chit-chat while we waited at the airport, but I couldn’t listen to any of it. I couldn’t sit down while we waited for the plane. I looked at the books for sale and read the backs of all of them before boarding for our flight was announced.
I still felt nervous on the plane, but not as nervous as the first time. Part of me wished that Max my friend was sitting next to me, rather than Max the party player bro man. Max my friend was kind to me, was there for me during my fear, calming me down with soothing words. But then again, it was Max my friend that I had had a crush on. As it turned out, I had a thing for not one, but two guys that didn’t actually exist.
I sat between the two of them and pulled out the information from the fair to look through. I’d already looked through it all ten times during my boredom the day before in the hotel room. But I wanted to be prepared when we saw Alex and Lewis again. It was important to me that I knew exactly what I was talking about when it came to the needs of the pack’s energy generation and our budget. Sure, I was Alex’s sister, but Alex and Lewis were still the Alphas and deserved to have the peace of mind that their appointed advisors were responsible and worthy.
“Are you alright?” Max asked.
“I’m fine,” I said, as smoothly as I could, but it still seemed to come out more as a snap. I felt bad about that. I didn’t mean to be grouchy toward them. I just wanted them to know where their limits were with me.
“How are you feeling about takeoff?”
“Fine,” I lied.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m fucking sure, alright?” I growled as quietly as I could. I couldn’t suppress the growl
if I wanted to.
“Because—”
“Max, please,” I whined. “Just leave it.”
He exhaled. From the corner of my eye, I noticed his shoulders and head droop slightly before turning and looking out the window.
I wasn’t sure I was alright. I knew I wasn’t. I knew that I wanted that sweetness he had shown me on the first flight. I wanted Jordan to be just as attentive. But equally, I wanted him to stop looking at me from my right side, which I was trying to ignore. I wanted versions of them that I knew didn’t exist. I wanted the friendship with the two of them that I’d cultivated over the years to blossom into the romantic aspects of them I had thought I’d caught glimpses of. Except those were a lie. The only romance they had within them was what they used to bed women.
I gritted my teeth and flexed my forearms so I wouldn’t dig into the arms of the seats during takeoff. I focused on keeping my breathing level and calm and curled my toes inside my boots until we were in the air.
Once the plane had leveled out and things felt smoother, I pulled out the information regarding the solar panels and other information that would help to update our off-grid community.
“Right, you two,” I said through a sigh. I tried to address them as if they were the cubs at the water station. Friendly, professional, and with a warning to stay in line. “Do you know what you’re going to tell the Alphas?”
“You took care of the solar panels, didn’t you?” Jordan asked.
“I did.”
“What’s there to tell? You have all the information.”
“She means the rest of it,” Max said. “Alex and Lewis are going to ask about updating systems and tech.”
“Exactly,” I said. “And when they do, you need to know what is the best value. I’ve put a star on which ones are the cheapest, but if there are better ones in here, then let me know, and we’ll work out which ones to pitch to the Alphas.”
“You’re in charge of the money,” Jordan pointed out. “Why do we need to pitch anything?”
“Because it’s a large purchase. We need to figure out what is needed the soonest and look at our budgeting ability to make that happen and when. I don’t know this stuff. I have no idea of the wear and tear on any of the systems except the water system. Everything else is up to you guys. They’ll want details, probably tonight when we get back.”
“Is the pack hard up?” Max asked.
“No, but these solar panels certainly were a hit,” I explained. “So was this trip. I’m a little afraid to add up how much this excursion has cost us.”
“I’m sure it’s not that bad,” Jordan said. He tried to take my hand. I swatted his hand away from mine. I resisted the urge to yell at him, suppressing the emotion that was trying to emerge through tears.
“Sandra has done a good job of keeping the pack working regularly,” I went on, focusing on the topic of finances. “But work will be slowing down through the winter. It always does. So we need to look at what, if anything, needs updating before then, and compare it to winter income projections before we make any purchases.”
The plane trembled a little through turbulence. I gasped at the motion, my hand gripping the arm of the chair. Max put his hand on mine. The warmth of it felt nice, the knowledge that it was his sent electricity through me with an aftershock of hurt. I blinked back another tear as I removed my hand from under his.
“Focus, Max,” I said sternly. “This is the kind of report Alex and Lewis are going to be expecting when we return. San Francisco wasn’t about fun; it was about the future of the Moonstone pack. You had best keep that in mind while you figure out what you need to tell the Alphas.”
My head swiveled as I made sure both were in agreement. “Jordan, you switch seats with me, and you and Max can talk about it. I’m going to try and get some shut-eye. You can give me your ‘presentation’ while we’re landing and fill me in.”
I didn’t sleep at all, but the attempt to sleep meant that I didn’t have to deal with either of them trying to touch me, or whatever it was that they thought they were doing. I listened to them consider every system in the pack, some of which I didn’t even know existed. When they put their heads together and weren’t distracted by clubs, food, or girls, they actually sounded like professionals who knew what they were talking about. I was impressed. I just wished that they’d shown this level of competence at any point during the trip. Outside of the bedroom, that was.
They “woke” me as the pilot announced our descent and gave me a very thorough run-down of everything I thought the Alphas could possibly want to know. They were exhaustive, explaining the ins and outs of our systems in a comprehensible manner so that I could follow their thinking, and explained how long each system could last without updating any of the parts. They explained some of the options that were in the pamphlets and talked me through some of the better values for money versus the cheaper options.
While they talked, I imagined I was a CEO of a company looking to invest in sustainable practices and realized that any amount of money I invested in these two would be money well spent. I vaguely considered talking to Sandra about trying to market Max and Jordan as eco-tech consultants to earn us the extra money we would be needing to make all these updates happen.
“Well done,” I said. “I feel as though I could talk to Alex and Lewis about this without you present. You explained all that very well.”
The plane touched down as my stomach leaped to my throat. I didn’t know that I would ever get used to that feeling. I didn’t think I would have to. Not if I was able to convince the Alphas of letting me have an apprentice to do these things for me.
Andrea picked us up, and I resumed my position in the back of the car, letting the guys do all the talking during the drive home to Moonstone.
Chapter 10 – Max
Moonstone had always been like a breath of air whenever I came home from San Francisco. I loved the city, but the pack was home, and I was always reminded of it when I returned.
This time was different. It was almost painful.
While it was nice to be back in my own space and in my own bed, Emily’s attitude toward us hurt. In the days following our return, I tried to talk to her. I tried to get her to just hear me out. But she wouldn’t have anything to do with us.
I was like a love-sick puppy, watching her as she returned to her usual ways. There were no more dresses for her, only her comfortable and sensible clothing suited for work in the compound. Her gorgeous long hair was always tied up in a loose bun, or in a long braid down her back. Her face was never painted with makeup. Her clothes usually sported at least one hole.
None of that mattered. I even found it charming. It was all a compilation of what made up Emily. It was that practicality about her that I think I liked. I hated myself that it took a dress and makeup to make Jordan and me notice her. But that was how it happened. Now that I saw her, I couldn’t unsee her. She was like a shining star who didn’t realize how bright her light truly was.
Every time I saw her, the thought—distant at first, though edging nearer and nearer as the days went on—infiltrated my consciousness: what if we had found our mate in San Francisco after all?
The thought both excited me and made me feel nauseous. If we had found her, somehow we had blown it. She wanted nothing to do with us. Were we doomed to be without our mate?
As my questions swirled around in my head, I found my frustrations rising more and more. Whenever I would see her around the water station working with the cubs, my heart leaped to my throat. More than once, I had to divert my feet from taking me to her, reminding myself that she had asked us repeatedly to leave her alone. All I wanted was to have her talk to me.
The few times I was unable to stop myself from approaching her, she turned and walked away. When we were in social situations, she would act as if nothing had happened, as if we were just two other people in the pack. We were no longer friends, but instead, people who existed near each other. Our invisibility to h
er hurt me the most.
“Are you okay?” Jordan asked.
I never knew how to answer that question. I wanted to ask him the same thing, on repeat. I wondered if he had a better answer for me than the “of course I am,” lie that we told everyone else. It was the first time we hadn’t shared our inner-most thoughts with each other. What was our cover story? Anyone who knew us knew that something had gone badly in San Francisco. We wore that on our sleeve. Thus, the question was always asked of us, “Are you okay?”
But now Jordan had finally asked me. I could try my best to hide it from the others. But Jordan was my right-hand guy. I couldn’t hide anything from him. The thought of expressing my inner despair felt as though it would just make it that much more real, like it would personify the pain to such an extent that it could bring physical harm to Jordan and me.
I didn’t want to say the words out loud. Those horrible words, “We fucked up.” It was the acknowledgment that it was we who made our friend disappear. That the Emily that had been drawn out during our time in San Francisco was possibly gone for good. That the Emily we had grown up with no longer existed. I couldn’t voice my utter fear that it was something we did, that this was our fault, that Emily wouldn’t have anything to do with us.
Except it was.
But thinking it and saying it were two different beasts. I could control the thoughts swirling in my head. Once the words were out of my mouth, they were in the world forever.
“Well, are you OK?” I finally answered.
“No, that's why I'm asking you.”
With our feet in the river’s water, we leaned back on the bank. The summer sun was still lingering, keeping the air pleasantly warm. It would stay that way until maybe mid-October before the chill of the season’s change finally took hold. The cold nights in Arizona during the winter could be pretty harsh, but it was something the pack was prepared for. As shifters, our ability to adjust to the seasons was in our nature.
For now, our feet enjoyed the cool refreshing feeling of the water after a long day of walking around the pack and looking at each and every system in explicit detail.