Contents
Warning
Copyright
CHAPTER ONE Caleb
CHAPTER TWO Axel
CHAPTER THREE Caleb
CHAPTER FOUR Axel
CHAPTER FIVE Caleb
CHAPTER SIX Axel
CHAPTER SEVEN Caleb
CHAPTER EIGHT Axel
CHAPTER NINE Caleb
CHAPTER TEN Axel
CHAPTER ELEVEN Caleb
CHAPTER TWELVE Axel
CHAPTER THIRTEEN Caleb
CHAPTER FOURTEEN Axel
CHAPTER FIFTEEN Caleb
CHAPTER SIXTEEN Axel
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN Caleb
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN Axel
CHAPTER NINETEEN Caleb
CHAPTER TWENTY Axel
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE Caleb
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO Axel
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE Caleb
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR Axel
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE Caleb
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX Axel
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN Caleb
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT Axel
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE Caleb
CHAPTER THIRTY Axel
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE Caleb
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO Axel
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE Caleb
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR Axel
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE Axel
Acknowledgements
About the Author
Warning for sensitive readers.
This book contains short descriptions of a home invasion with mentions of blood. Medium angst.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination, and any resemblance to actual events, locales, organizations, or persons living or dead is entirely coincidental.
The Survivor and his Safe Place
Copyright © 2019 by Rebecca James
Cover content is for illustrative purposes only. Any person depicted on the cover is a model.
Cover Artist: Reese Dante
Edited by: Jenni Lea at Proof Your Love
All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means without written permission from the author.
CHAPTER ONE
Caleb
I peered between the narrow slats of the blinds. My bedroom at the shelter house overlooked the front of Dante and Isaac’s property, and at that moment, I had an excellent view of Axel playing with Duke. Seeing the big man sent a ripple of anxiety through me, but I was curious about him.
Axel threw the green rope toy and the Great Dane bounded after it. Once Duke had the toy in his jaws, Axel made a grab for it, catching the knot at the end and tugging hard, big muscles in his arms flexing. The two grappled until Axel finally had to let go. This happened again and again, with Axel often winding up flat on his stomach in the grass. I froze, realizing I was smiling from ear to ear as I watched.
Dana, my new therapist, had told me it was normal to feel guilty for enjoying myself, but that it was okay. I kept telling myself that.
As usual, though, the act of having to remind myself of all that sucked the joy right out of the moment. Letting the blinds fall closed, I moved away from the window and headed downstairs.
I had plenty of work to keep both my mind and body busy. I always did. Sometimes Isaac came down from the main house to help, but most of the time I took pride in doing it all on my own, knowing he trusted me to do it all correctly. The animals were good company, and they made me feel safe. Especially Duke. Things had gotten so much better after the big dog had come to live with me, but in many other ways, I was worse than before. Since I’d moved into the shelter house by myself, I’d become more reclusive. I began to notice engaging with people was harder than it had been before, and I’d started having more flashbacks.
Occasionally, Foghorn would stop by the shelter to help with the animals, and although he was quiet and careful when around me, if we were ever alone together, I panicked. I felt like a freak.
Usually when Foghorn or Axel came to help, they worked outside, never requiring me to be alone in the house with them. But when Hugh Silvers, the vet, visited the shelter, he had to come inside in order to check the animals. I always made myself scarce then.
Of course, I knew in my mind that Hugh was my friend and wouldn’t hurt me, but I couldn’t convince my body of that. I used to be much more at ease around him, but lately I couldn’t control the stirrings of panic that hit me when I was around certain people. There didn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to them.
As soon as I heard Hugh’s Kia pulling up the driveway, I’d start to sweat, and my heart would begin pounding in my chest. I’d panic, and my first instinct would be to hide upstairs in my bedroom closet—the same room I’d slept in before I’d moved with Isaac to the main house for a short time. After unlocking the front door, I’d race there and sit in the dark, listening to the vet moving around downstairs, knowing he probably guessed I was hiding. During those times, I felt like I was ten rather than twenty-one.
Sometimes I blamed my new therapist for my being so much worse lately. She made me talk a lot, and I think dredging up the memories was hurting me instead of helping. But she had also helped me to realize the things that upset me, like hearing the doorbell or suddenly seeing someone on the porch, and find a way to deal with them.
She’d encouraged me to try small ways to make having a visitor easier. I’d begun waiting outside when Hugh was due to check the animals and then taking a walk while he went inside. Being able to watch Hugh pull up the driveway and exit the car really helped me to cope with his impending presence in the house, and meeting him outside was a lot less stressful than being shut inside with him, even with me hiding in the closet. Besides, there was something much more triggering about hiding in the dark, and it always took a toll on me afterward.
By this time, I was pretty used to Isaac and his boyfriend, Dante, who was a member of the Hedonists, a motorcycle club in which Foghorn and Axel were also members. I could even attend Sunday dinners with them and their friends at the main house most of the time, although I was always jittery and sometimes didn’t make it through to dessert. All the bikers scared me to some degree, but the scariest by far was Axel. Standing six and a half feet tall, the burly giant had tattoos all over him, even on his head, which had nearly set me back months when I’d first seen him. His arms and legs were huge and muscular, and he had a presence that screamed I will kill any motherfucker who messes with me. I’d overheard Dante say “Ax” had been in prison. One time, the unexpected sight of the big biker had made me faint. How fucking embarrassing.
Downstairs, I put the four dogs currently staying at the shelter into their pens and began to mop the floor. Next, I put a load of blankets in the washer and proceeded to disinfect the toys in the toy box, my mind chanting, progress, progress as I breathed deeply and evenly in order to ward of the panic simmering beneath my ribcage. Even though I’d prepared myself and knew it was coming, I jumped when the loud knock on the front door sounded throughout the house. Taking another deep breath, I chanted progress a few more times before turning toward the front of the house. A year ago, I would never have been able to do what I planned to do. I hoped I could see it through.
Axel stood on the front porch a respectful distance from the door, Duke panting and drooling at his feet. My eyes flicked over the big man, heart beating faster.
Axel’s smile when I opened the door transformed his face. Since he’d grown in his waves of silky dark hair, he was a lot less frightening, especially when wearing jeans and a Looney Tunes T-shirt like he was now, rather than his usual leather biker garb.
I could do this. The animals trusted him, and Isaac trusted him. He was a good guy.
Duke bounded inside to nose at the dogs in their cages.
“Just wanted to let you know I’m heading home,” Axel said. “Duke should be worn out. I gave him some water from the hose.”
As Axel turned to go, I forced out, “Thanks, Axel.”
Axel looked over his shoulder, lips parted in surprise. “You’re welcome, Caleb.”
The soft, quiet tone Axel always used with me gave me courage. “D-do you want to come in for a drink?”
I couldn’t believe I’d said it. My heart hammered in my chest, but I held my ground.
Progress. Progress. Progress progress progress…
Axel stared at me for a few beats as though he thought he’d heard wrong. I couldn’t blame him; not once in the nearly three years since I had begun working at the shelter had I ever uttered more than a few words to him in reply to something he’d asked. Coupled with the fact that I was inviting Axel inside the house, it was understandable the biker must have felt as though he’d suddenly crossed into an alternate universe.
Biting my lower lip, I stepped back in invitation. After a slight hesitation, Axel crossed the threshold. The caged dogs continued to bark excitedly as Duke pawed at their pens. I closed the front door, my mouth going dry as the fact I was alone in the house with someone twice my size suddenly sank in like a bolder into soft river silt.
Axel is nice, I reminded myself. He grew in his hair and made everyone call him Axel for you. Isaac said he didn’t go to prison for anything bad.
I’d discussed this very scenario with Dana during my last session. She’d told me that, as I knew I could trust Axel, I should make a move to get to know him better. That is, only if I felt comfortable in the situation.
Did I feel comfortable? Right then, panic threatened to seize me by the throat and shut me down, but I breathed in and out a few times, counting in my head. Axel went to talk to the dogs in their pens, and I knew he was doing it to give me time.
After a moment, I followed him. I cleared my throat, but my voice still came out embarrassingly squeaky. “Thank you for playing with Duke. He needs so much exercise, and I don’t have the time.”
I couldn’t help but smile at the look on Axel’s face.
He shook his head as though to clear it. “Uh, you’re welcome. I like playing with him. He’s a great dog.”
I nodded, biting my lower lip. “Would you like a drink?”
When Axel said that water would be nice, I peeled myself away from the wall I’d been leaning against and walked swiftly toward the kitchen. It was terrifying knowing the big man was behind me. The minute I had the back door in sight, though, I calmed enough to pour two glasses of ice water. When I turned around, Axel was still standing several feet away at the kitchen entrance. I crossed to the table, set down the glasses, and took the chair closest to the exit, watching Axel slowly enter the room and sit in the chair opposite as though I were a wild animal he was afraid he’d scare away with one wrong move. I appreciated the care he took with me, but that didn’t stop me from feeling like a freak.
“One of my goals in therapy is to talk more to people I trust,” I explained, pushing Axel’s glass toward him. I was actually going even further in my goal by being alone in the house with Axel, but I wasn’t going to get into that. I felt stupid enough just admitting it was difficult for me to have a conversation without adding that being alone with a big man like him turned me into a quivering wreck.
Axel probably knew it anyway. I wiped my sweaty palms on the legs of my jeans and cleared my throat nervously.
Axel’s shoulders lost some of their tension, and a wide smile spread across his face that made him look younger and, well, kind of hot. I felt myself blushing and searched for something else to say to keep the conversation going. “How’s Sheila?”
Axel frowned. “Sheila?”
“The border collie the club adopted?” I clarified, unsure.
Axel’s face cleared. “Oh, Pepper. Blaze wound up renaming her. He said Sheila didn’t fit. She’s doing great. Loves wallowing in our dirty laundry.”
I chuckled thinking about a bunch of bikers living together and the mess of dirty laundry they must produce. Isaac had told me more than once about his time living with them in the clubhouse and about how Dante never looked at him in a way other than like a brother until Isaac moved out. I loved hearing their story and often asked for more tidbits. Dante reminded me of James Dean, except with long hair. He was tough but also kind of glamorous. He used to be rich, but he gave it all up for Isaac. I found their story incredibly romantic.
Axel carried the conversation after that. I just sat and listened, grateful. By the time he left, I was an odd mixture of stressed and content.
“I did it,” I told the dogs as I let them out of their crates. They wagged their tails at me and licked my hands like they were proud of me, and that made me smile.
CHAPTER TWO
Axel
On the road back to the clubhouse, I couldn’t keep my mind off the last hour.
Caleb had never asked me inside the shelter unless Isaac had been there. I was a huge trigger for the kid. Some days just a look from me could set him off, which was why I tried real hard not to make any sudden moves around him. Growing out my hair had helped, but I’d still never expected to see this kind of progress. The new therapist must be working out pretty good. I was so proud of him.
Caleb had sat across from me, watching my every move, anxiety rolling off him in waves. It’d made my heart hurt. Not wanting to spook him, I’d let him control the conversation, and he’d told me he’d chosen me to talk to because he trusted me.
I was still smiling about that.
Then he’d surprised me by saying, “I like your socks.”
My sock drawer was full of crazy socks since people knew I liked them and gave them to me all the time. Usually they were hidden by my boots, but that day I’d worn my sneakers, and the brightly colored crew socks were visible.
“Thanks.” I’d scrambled for something else to say. “You doin’ okay here by yourself?” I’d winced at that. “Sorry. That was a dumb question. You’ve been living here a while now. Of course you’re doin’ okay. You’re doing great.” Yeah, I’d babbled like an idiot.
“It wasn’t dumb. I know you know I have problems,” Caleb had said.
“Everybody’s got problems.” I’d immediately wanted to kick myself. Obviously, his problems weren’t like mine or anybody else’s I’d ever met.
Caleb had seemed okay with what I’d said, though, because he’d nodded. “Yeah. I know. I’m working on getting better. I like my new therapist.”
“The one Lake recommended?” I’d asked just to make sure.
“Yeah. She’s great. Much better than the last one.”
“Lake told me she’s really helped him.” As the silence had drawn out, my cheeks had gotten hot, which was ridiculous. I didn’t fucking blush.
Then Caleb had smiled, and I’d thought if that’s what my blushing did, I would gladly keep a red face all the time. His eyes had looked so big and such a clear gray, I’d been drowning in them. Add in his dark curly hair and the freckles sprinkling his perfect nose, and it was a wonder I’d been able to concentrate at all.
My club brothers worried about me because I’d been nuts over Caleb for so long, and I appreciated that they were fucking family and their worry came out of love. But I don’t think they got the fact that there wasn’t a fucking thing I could do about it. The moment I’d seen Caleb, I’d fallen for him. Something about him had drawn me in from day one, and for nearly three years he’d been a constant in my mind , keeping me from anybody else. I’d jacked off to thoughts of him more times than I could count, but in his presence, I tried to blend into the walls. I didn’t want to cause him anymore pain than he already had.
Yet Caleb had talked to me that afternoon. He’d invited me inside and sat down with me.
&nb
sp; He’s got some major demons, I told myself for the millionth time as I navigated the county road leading out of the city of Henry. But didn’t most people? I sure as hell did, and so did most of my club brothers.
Shortly after Caleb had freaked out at seeing me for the first time, I’d looked up what had happened to him on the internet using his name and the sparse amount of information I’d learned from Isaac. Nobody should fucking have to go through something that. The article had contained scant details, and I couldn’t help but wonder what hadn’t been printed. I’d never committed murder, but when I thought of the asshole hurting Caleb, I had no problem imagining gutting him with a spoon while he watched.
I sped down the road on my Harley, thinking of all the stuff I could’ve said to him during that short time at the kitchen table. I’d imagined talking to him so many times, but the opportunity had come up so suddenly, I’d just gone blank.
Racing thunderous clouds home, I managed to reach the clubhouse just ahead of the torrent of rain. I quickly showered off the afternoon’s grime then walked into the room I shared with Hung and pulled a pair of sweatpants and the softest T-shirt I owned from a drawer. Once dressed, I padded down the hall to the living room, the sound of rain hitting the roof overwhelming the television Hung was watching from the couch, his chest bare and an unlit cigarette hanging from his mouth.
I flopped down in the big chair opposite the couch and propped my bare feet on the ottoman.
Hung glanced at me. “You been at work?”
“Dante’s.”
He grunted before lighting the cigarette.
“Blaze will be pissed you’re smokin’ in here,” I said.
“Blaze is in the warehouse, and it’s fucking pouring outside. Wind’s blowing it across the front porch.”
“Then smoke on the screened-in porch.”
Hung blew out a plume of smoke. “Come on. Smoking one cigarette in the house ain’t gonna hurt anything.”
I crossed my arms over my chest and stared him down. “It stinks up the place.”
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