The Survivor and his Safe Place

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The Survivor and his Safe Place Page 4

by Rebecca James


  Hung was leaner than the others, and so was Blaze, although they both were toned and broad-shouldered. They didn’t make me as nervous as the bigger men.

  My eyes sought out Axel and found him by the bird cage chatting with Dante. As my gaze wandered over him, I admired his big body even as I automatically shrunk back from it. He wore a blue button-down shirt that hugged his muscular chest and arms and a pair of blue jeans. His boots were shined, and I imagined I could smell his sharp, piney aftershave from where I stood. He seemed to have taken special care with his dark hair and beard that day, styling them in a way that kept me staring longer than was natural. Wanting to glimpse those tawny eyes surrounded by long lashes, I moved my gaze upward and jerked when I found him staring back at me. When a smile eased over Axel’s face, a jolt ran through me followed by goosebumps and a hot blush. But I managed to hold his gaze a moment and smile back before darting into the kitchen again, heart hammering and pulse racing. Was I scared or excited to see him? Funny how the two feelings provoked the same physical reactions.

  “Is the casserole done?” Isaac asked, breezing into the kitchen where I stood with my arms wrapped around myself, still reeling from Axel’s smile and the intensity of his gaze. He looked at the steaming dish. “Ah, yes, that looks good.” He began filling glasses with ice, and I moved to help him.

  Isaac had thoughtfully seated me near the kitchen door so I could escape if I needed to. Lake sat down on my left.

  “How are things at the shelter?” Lake speared me in with eyes a beautiful shade of light green that seemed to miss nothing. He was beautiful—equal parts soft and hard with his square chin and shapely lips, toned body and blond hair that fell in waves around his face.

  “Good,” I said. “There aren’t too many animals there right now.” Maybe this won’t be so hard after all. I cleared my throat. “Thanks for recommending Dr. Woods. I really like her.”

  Lake smiled. “She’s great, isn’t she? She’s really helped me come to terms with stuff.”

  I nodded, wondering what kind of stuff a confident guy like Lake needed to come to terms with.

  The chair at the very end of the table was empty. When Cane slid into it, I nearly jumped out of my skin. Frozen, I could only stare at him. Cane never came to the dinners. I only knew who he was because I watched Blaze’s porn productions.

  Cane was big, never smiled, and oozed a dangerous vibe. I started to shake. Embarrassed, I looked down at my plate. I wouldn’t be able to make it through dinner sitting next to Cane. I could barely think, let alone eat or talk.

  “Cane, why don’t you trade places with Isaac?” Axel called down the long table, and Isaac immediately got up from his seat.

  Cane frowned, looking around like he couldn’t figure out why Axel would suggest such a thing. “Why?”

  “Because I wanna talk to you, that’s why,” Axel said in a harder voice than I’d ever heard come from him. I tensed, bringing my shoulders up almost to my ears. The dinner plates were red and mine had a tiny chip on the rim that I focused on while Cane grunted and stood. When he moved away, it was like a breeze through an airless room. When I finally lifted my eyes, I caught Axel’s gaze. He smiled reassuringly at me and then winked.

  My cock jumped in my pants. Jerking my eyes away, I found Lake watching me with a knowing smirk. He leaned close to my ear.

  “You like Axel.”

  My face burned, and I considered giving up and eating in the kitchen. This was all too much. No. I can’t fail both of my goals for the week.

  I counted to ten, shrugged at Lake, and drank my water.

  Lake leaned in again and said quietly, “You’ve got to have noticed he feels the same way.”

  I choked, water coming out my nose.

  Lake and Isaac pounded me on the back until I could breathe again. Eyes watering and face flaming, I concentrated on passing the dishes, occasionally spooning a little something onto my plate.

  Was Lake for real? Could Axel really like me? I’d caught him looking at me plenty of times, but I thought he felt sorry for me and was being nice. No way could he have thought of me as anything more than the poor traumatized young man living on Dante and Isaac’s property.

  I sneaked a look at him. He was talking to Cane, one big arm resting on the table, a fork in his hand. My heart yearned to talk to him again, one on one. Just for a minute with no one else in the room. Concentrating on eating, I listened to the conversations around me.

  Lake and Isaac discussed Isaac’s grooming business. Zeke and Morgan laughingly told Hung and Skitz about something that had happened in their backyard. Dante barked out a laugh at something Cane said.

  I licked cheese from the casserole off my lips and thought about what I could say to Isaac, Lake, or Celine, who sat across from me.

  “I—I like your hair,” I finally said to Celine, who smiled at me and patted her head.

  “Do you? Thanks. I’ve had it just about every color now. I might actually go back to my natural brunette for a while.” She laid her head on Foghorn’s shoulder. “What would you think about that, honey?”

  “You could go bald, and I wouldn’t care,” Foghorn said, and that was enough to catapult me back to that day.

  The big man slipping his mask off. All the tattoos. I squeezed my eyes shut and clenched my fists, willing the bad feelings to go away.

  Isaac’s hand on my arm broke the horror movie playing in my mind.

  “Caleb, is there anything I can do to help?”

  The table had gone silent, my staggered breathing the loudest thing in the room. Goddamn it! I was always the fucking spectacle.

  Slowly, I stood up from the table. Without looking at anyone, I said, “I’m okay. I just need some air.” Duke stood from where he’d been lying beside my chair and followed me to the front door. My hand shook as I opened it.

  I heard Foghorn say, “Did I say something wrong?”

  Once outside, I took a deep breath. Dante had mowed the grass that afternoon, leaving a sweet smell lingering in the air. The ducks at the small lake were making a ruckus, and I stood staring out toward the water wondering how I was ever going to be normal again. At first, after it had happened, the fucking home invasion, I’d just wanted to forget. I’d kept it all in the back of my mind and refused to talk or think about it. But the images had come to me in my dreams, causing me to wake up screaming. I’d scared Deirdre and her family to death, and it had gotten to where I was afraid to go to sleep. Afraid of the dreams and afraid of waking the whole house up. My psychiatrist had prescribed sleeping pills, and after that I’d slept so heavily, I couldn’t awaken from the dreams. I assumed I didn’t even make as much noise when I had them then because Deirdre and her family had seemed to think the pills had worked to stave them off. I never told them otherwise.

  The front door opened, and I stiffened.

  “You okay?”

  I’d expected Isaac or maybe Dante, not Axel. I looked over my shoulder, belatedly realizing my face was wet with tears.

  I wiped my hands over my cheeks. “Yeah, thanks.”

  “Okay. I just wanted to make sure.” He started to close the door, and I called out to him.

  “Axel? Could you come out here for a minute?” My heart sped up, but I wanted to do this.

  He stepped outside and softly shut the door behind him. Hands in his front pockets, he stood a few feet away from me and gazed out across the yard.

  I swallowed but couldn’t think of anything to say, but he didn’t seem to expect an explanation from me.

  “Dinner with all of us can get pretty rowdy,” he said. “I’m sorry it made you nervous.”

  I made a half-strangled sound. “Doesn’t take much.”

  He glanced at me, and attraction crackled between us, leading me to consider what Lake had said might not be so crazy. A heady feeling overtook me, and a smile tugged at my lips. That I could attract this sexy biker—the type of man I’d once been so attracted to—made me feel extremely powerful when I hadn�
��t felt that way in a long, long time.

  “Don’t sell yourself short. I know enough about what you’ve been through to know it was real bad. You probably don’t feel like you’re making headway, but you really are. When I first met you, no way could you have sat in there with all of us.”

  I barked out a laugh. “I didn’t for very long. I’m out here, remember?”

  “But you were in there, and knowing you, you’ll probably go back in there as soon as you get yourself together. You’re strong, Caleb.”

  I stared. Did he really think I was strong? And would I go back in there? Now I kind of felt like I had to so as not to disappoint Axel.

  He smiled at me, and I caught my breath. Right then, I felt like I’d do anything for this man.

  CHAPTER SIX

  Axel

  Caleb stared up at me with those big, gray eyes, and I was a goner. It took everything in me not to lean down and kiss those pretty lips. What would happen if I did? Because sometimes I got the feeling Caleb would welcome it, but that could be wishful thinking on my part. I was just too damn afraid making a move like that would set us back irrevocably, and I was almost giddy with the way he was trusting me lately.

  “You know what happened to me?” he asked, eyes flashing toward me before settling back on the colorful sunset.

  “Just what I’ve read on the internet. Sorry. I hope you don’t mind I looked you up. It was back when I first met you.”

  Caleb took a deep breath, and I hoped I hadn’t upset him.

  “I don’t like talking about it. Thinking about it.”

  “That’s understandable,” I said quietly, pulse dancing from being so close to him.

  After a few silent moments, we went back inside, and I hovered near Caleb while he talked with Isaac.

  The whole thing was so different than what I was used to, which was keeping my distance from Caleb and just watching from afar. I couldn’t believe he suddenly welcomed my presence. I’d begun to think our time in the kitchen had been a fluke. Or a dream.

  “What’s up with him?” Dante asked, nudging me in the side. For a moment I thought he meant Caleb, and I stiffened, but then I realized Dante was looking at Cane. The broody man was staring out the window, ignoring everyone else in the room.

  “What do you mean?” As far as I could tell, the guy was acting like he normally did: nonsocial and gloomy.

  “Why’s he here? He never comes to Sunday dinner.”

  I shrugged. “Who knows? Ask Blaze. He’s the only one who seems to know anything about the guy.”

  “Other than Tony,” Dante said.

  A roll of muted anger passed through me. I was certain Cane had been responsible for Tony running off.

  “You think they were fucking?” Dante asked when I didn’t say anything.

  “Yeah, probably.”

  Caleb turned toward us, and Dante raised a brow.

  “You ready to leave?” Dante and Isaac usually walked Caleb back to the shelter after Sunday dinner.

  Caleb looked up shyly at me.

  “Would you walk back with me?”

  The grin that spread over my face was probably way too large for the situation. How could this twenty-one-year-old kid make a big man like me—someone who’d seen and done things most people never see or do—melt into a puddle of feelings with one look?

  “Sure,” I managed to say. “I think I’ll head home after that. Thanks for dinner,” I told Dante and Isaac, who had joined us at the door.

  I lost my breath for a second when Caleb’s arm brushed mine on our way over the threshold, reinforcing what I already knew: I could fuck a million Micks, and my heart would still belong to this man.

  Isaac and Dante followed us out, Isaac looking worried. Dante swung an arm over his shoulder and waved at us like he was Caleb’s dad and was telling us to have a good date. Once we left the reach of the motion sensor lights on the house, the night seemed pitch black, the moon only a sliver in the sky peeping from under the cover of clouds. Bugs sang loudly in the woods surrounding the property, and the frogs in the lake croaked a throaty chorus. Suddenly, something whizzed across our path, making both Caleb and me stumble. I automatically reached out for Caleb’s arm to steady him. Duke started barking and took off.

  “Duke!” I called to the big dog. He’d gone after the duck that had flown past us, low to the ground, and was raising havoc by the lake, barking and growling at all the birds, which had taken flight and sought sanctuary on the water. “Oh no, you don’t.” I went after him, grabbing the Great Dane by the collar before he could jump into the lake.

  When I returned leading the reluctant dog, my heart jumped when I caught the look of sheer terror on Caleb’s face. It was as though he wasn’t there with me any longer, and wherever he was, was bad. Duke forgot the ducks and pressed himself against his master’s leg.

  “Hey,” I said softly, touching Caleb’s arm. He jerked back, but his eyes met mine. I could see the moment he realized who I was.

  “One, two, three…” he started counting. I was confused until I realized he was trying to calm himself down. He got to twenty-two before his shoulders relaxed and to thirty-six before he stopped counting and took a deep breath.

  “Sorry,” he mumbled.

  “It was a duck,” I said, feeling stupid.

  “I hadn’t expected it.”

  I heard the shame and frustration in his voice and wished I could help him. I’d do anything. He laughed bitterly. “That’s twice in one evening.”

  “What happened at dinner?” I asked, thinking maybe it would help to talk.

  Caleb looked out over the dark lake. “Foghorn told Celine she could go…she could lose all her hair, and he wouldn’t care.”

  I thought about how Caleb had been terrified of me at first and how growing in my hair had helped. I’d found a picture of the man responsible for breaking into Caleb’s house and killing his family on the Internet and started growing in my hair right then. Terrance Jefferson was completely bald and had more tats on his scalp than I did. The monster was currently serving three life sentences without parole at New Netherlands Penitentiary.

  “You’re doing better than you probably think,” I said as we resumed walking toward the shelter, which was now in sight. Caleb had left every light on in the place.

  “It’s been four years. I shouldn’t still be like this,” he said.

  “Who says?” I asked a little more gruffly than I’d intended, and although Caleb jumped, he didn’t shrink away. “Did your therapist say that? ‘Cause if she did—”

  “No, Dana never said that. Even the jerk I went to before her didn’t. I just know it. Four years is a long time, and I’m still such a fucking mess.”

  “You’re not a mess. You’re working and living on your own. That’s more than some people who haven’t even been through what you have.”

  “I used to work at the public library, but only part time. It was quiet there and I could re-shelve books and not talk to anyone. And here I may be living alone, but that allows me to hole up and not interact.”

  “Still, it’s progress. And now you’re talking to me. That’s new.”

  I could sense the tension running out of Caleb as I spoke, so I continued.

  “And you’ve been eating at the table with us on Sundays more and more. Tonight, you talked with people.”

  I could feel Caleb’s gaze on me as we came to a stop outside the shelter.

  “You really pay attention,” he said quietly, looking surprised.

  I cleared my throat and shuffled my feet a little, not knowing what to say. I glanced up at the small house. “You want me to look around inside before I go? Does Dante do that?”

  “Yeah, but you don’t have to.” He looked at the house with trepidation.

  “I want to,” I said. I waited while he unlocked the door. Having heard us long before we’d reached the door, the dogs had already started barking from their crates in the other room. Caleb stood on the threshold while I mad
e my way from room to room, looking in closets and anywhere else a person could hide. I passed Caleb on my way to the stairs, and his solemn, gray eyes followed me.

  “Wait,” he said suddenly, and I turned on the second step, watching as he closed the door and locked it, then touched the lock again before following me. I guessed he didn’t want to stand by the open door by himself while I was upstairs, but it had to be hard for him to go up there with me too.

  Caleb waited at the top of the steps, gripping the banister like a lifeline while I checked every closet and under every bed. I peered behind the shower curtain in the hall bathroom and even in a few spaces I doubted anyone could fit, like inside the laundry hamper and behind wide-open doors. When I headed back to Caleb, he retreated down a couple of stairs, cheeks red. I hesitated, thinking he might want to go down first, but then I realized he didn’t want me behind him.

  Schooling my expression to look clueless, I began my descent, squeezing past him on the narrow staircase. He pressed himself into the wall, and I felt kind of shitty that it excited me so much being near him. For all I knew, he was recovering from an assault. No charges for sodomy or molestation had been pressed against Jefferson—I’d checked—but that didn’t mean it hadn’t happened.

  When I got to the front door, I opened it and waited.

  “Need any help with the animals?” I asked, thinking they would have to go to the bathroom.

  “I usually do okay,” he said, but I could tell something was wrong. Like this night was worse than most nights for some reason.

  “I don’t mind taking them,” I said. “I’ll just stand on the porch and you pass them to me on their leashes.”

  Caleb looked so relieved, I was glad I’d offered. Within fifteen minutes, I’d gotten all four dogs to do their business, and they were back in the house with Caleb.

  “Thank you, Axel,” Caleb said, looking out at me from the crack in the door.

 

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