“Axel and I had just made love.” I’d already told Dana we’d been intimate. I wasn’t embarrassed about it. “He went to get us a snack. I was drifting off when I smelled…” I paused to take a deep breath. And then another. And another.
The smell of sugar cookies. Canned laughter. My brother’s screams.
“Caleb? Focus.” Dana’s soothing voice grounded me. “We’re in my office and nothing can harm you. You’re telling me what happened when you were safe with Axel at the farm.”
I swallowed the tears that had come out of nowhere. I hated how easy it was to cry.
After a moment, I was able to continue. “Axel was baking cookies. When I smelled them, it took me right back to that night.” I shook my head. “He didn’t know.”
“Of course he didn’t,” Dana said. She jotted something down on her tablet.
“What are you writing?” I asked. “Are you saying I had a setback?”
“I’m just noting that the smell of cookies is a trigger,” Dana said.
“Sugar cookies. Not all cookies. I know I’ve smelled cookies in the past four years and haven’t freaked out,” I said.
“What happened after you smelled them?”
I stiffened. I didn’t know why I was getting so angry. “I hid. In the closet.”
“Like you did that night,” Dana clarified.
I clenched my teeth. “Yes.”
She set her tablet on the table and gave me her full attention. “All right. Then what happened? Did the scent of the sugar cookies send you back to that time?”
I nodded miserably remembering how it had marred such an otherwise beautiful afternoon. “Yeah. I thought I was back at the house. My f-family’s house. I heard the guy moving around downstairs. I guess I was really hearing Axel in the kitchen, but…but I thought it was the guy.”
“You thought it was Terrance Jefferson,” Dana clarified, and I nodded. As much as I hated thinking about the man, it really did help to give the villain a name rather than leaving him a faceless monster. Terrance Jefferson was in prison where he couldn’t hurt me.
“After a while, I heard Axel calling my name, and I snapped out of it. We went outside and talked until the smell was gone, and then we had a nice night. That was the only episode I had the whole time. The trip was great.”
“Did it take you a long time to recover from the episode after Axel snapped you out of it?” Dana asked.
“Not too long.” I didn’t want to discuss how I’d cried and clung to Axel.
“What do you think might have happened if Axel hadn’t cleared out the smell of the cookies?”
I frowned. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, what if you two had gone back inside after you were calmer, and the scent had still lingered?”
My stomach tightened. Why was she asking me this? “Are you saying we did it wrong?”
“No, of course not. There is no right or wrong way of dealing with your feelings except to stick with what works for you. All I’m saying is that maybe you’re at a point where you can face some of these triggers. They’re always going to be there. Sometimes you won’t be able to get away from them so easily.”
“I told Axel to clear out the smell. I didn’t want to smell it. I couldn’t stand it,” I said defensively.
“And that’s fine. Axel did what you asked, and you felt better. Caleb, I was only posing a hypothetical question.”
I’d been proud of handling the situation so quickly. There had been a time when something like that would have sent me to my bed for days.
Dana softened her voice. “Caleb, I don’t think you handled the situation in the wrong way. Sometimes asking ‘what if’ helps, that’s all.”
I stared at the stupid painting behind her desk and tried to calm down and consider what she’d asked. “I don’t know what would have happened. I probably would have cried some more. Maybe I would’ve freaked out again and gone back to the closet. I don’t know.”
“And if you had gone into the closet again?”
I huffed and crossed my arms over my chest. I knew it was a defensive posture. I knew Dana knew it. Everything I said and did was up for analyzing in that office.
“Then I guess Axel would have found me again. Comforted me.”
“And?” Dana prompted.
“And…I don’t know. Maybe it would have been okay. Maybe not. I don’t know!” I was getting angry, but that never deterred Dana when she was on a roll.
“What do you consider being ‘okay’?”
I opened my mouth, then closed it again. Was that a trick question?
I thought about it. “Being normal. Getting on with things without…crying, or fear. Talking, or fucking like everybody else does.” I was being purposely crude. Anything to wipe that bland look from Dana’s face. I was so goddamned sick of this.
“Why are you getting angry?” she asked.
“Because it’s always the same old bullshit!” I yelled, then fought to lower my voice. “We’re always back to me wanting to be normal. I’m telling you I had an episode during my trip and that it was blessedly short. Nothing awful happened. I didn’t embarrass myself in front of anyone other than Axel, and he didn’t leave me because I’m such a freak. We wound up sitting in front of the fire and having a nice evening. End of story.”
I clamped my mouth shut and stewed for several minutes while Dana sat calmly watching me. It must take a special kind of sadist to be a therapist. One with a knack for peeling away at a person inch by inch until all that was left were guts and naked nerves.
Abruptly, I jumped up from the couch and headed for the door. “That’s it. I’m done,” I said. I turned and looked Dana in the eyes just in case she didn’t get my meaning. “I’m not coming back.”
I slammed the door behind me, feeling inexplicably free at having snapped the cord between myself and mental help.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
Axel
“I talked to Hung about not having people sleep over,” Blaze said, joining me at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee.
“I figured as much since I’ve been able to sleep in my own bed these past few nights. How’d he take it? I haven’t seen him.”
Several days had passed since my trip with Caleb. I’d been working double shifts and hadn’t been to his house, but we’d talked on the phone and texted a lot. Being without him after we’d been so close was hard, especially after the episode he’d had. I wanted to be with him all the time.
“Surprisingly well. He’s been acting pretty weird lately. Even told me he’s not going to be doing porn anymore.”
I raised a brow. “Really? I thought he loved doing porn.”
Blaze’s electric blue eyes met mine. “Not lately, he hasn’t, which is why I haven’t got a problem with it. Hell, filming’s been ten times as hard with him in a scene. Julianne and I have decided to concentrate on promoting Tease in the future. I wouldn’t be surprised if Jeovanni never returns to porn.”
Blaze’s use of Hung’s real name seemed to underline the statement, and I wondered if our club brother had finally gotten tired of being defined by his massive dick.
“What’s he gonna do instead?” I asked.
“He seems at loose ends. Disappears for hours at a time only to come home and go at the punching bag in the basement until he can barely stand. I tried talking to him, but he pushes me away. Now that he’s not working, he doesn’t need Nick anymore, and I swear I think that’s what bothers him the most.”
I put down my mug and leaned back in the chair. “You sayin’ he liked the kid?”
“I’m saying he more than liked the kid.”
I frowned. “Naw. They fought like cats and dogs.”
Blaze shrugged. “Just calling it like I see it.”
“Maybe all those hearts in your eyes are blinding your vision.”
“Look who’s talking,” Blaze said, flipping me the bird. “I guess your little getaway with Caleb went well?”
I couldn�
�t help grinning. “Yep.”
“And your farm? It in good shape?”
I nodded. “Still can’t believe it’s mine now.”
“Your grandmother must’ve loved you a lot to leave it to you.”
I snorted. “More like she didn’t have anyone else to leave it to.”
“She could have given it to the guy who’s been taking care of it. Or donated it to some charity. She left it to you because she wanted you to have it.”
I thought about that. “Maybe she wanted to leave me with all the bad memories.”
Blaze’s gaze sat heavily on me, but I didn’t meet it.
“Were things that bad growing up?”
I shrugged. “Pretty bad. But after being there with Caleb, I feel better about the place.” I chuckled. “Kind of made me wish I knew something about running a farm.”
“Didn’t your grandfather teach you?”
“Hell no. He liked it too much when I did something wrong. His favorite pastime was laying into me with his belt.” I stood and took my mug to the sink to wash it out. I hadn’t meant to say so much, but I continued, “You think I’m a bully?”
“What? No.”
I looked at him. “I kinda had a flash of insight while I was at the farm. I’m thinking maybe I’m a little bit like my grandfather.”
Lake walked in the room.
“Good morning, gentlemen,” he said and paused to kiss Blaze before moving to the coffee pot. “Thank the Lord—liquid ambrosia.” He poured a cup and leaned against the counter to drink it.
“Am I interrupting something?” he asked, raising a brow. “I could go drink this on the back porch.”
“Naw, I said all I wanted to say on the matter,” I said.
Lake tilted his head. “I’m going to visit your boyfriend tonight.”
“Good. I’ve been working so much lately I never see him.”
“Well, I have the night off, and Morgan and I are going to cook dinner over there.”
“What about me?” Blaze asked, trying to look pitiful.
Lake ruffled his boyfriend’s dark hair. “You’re on your own, babe. Hope Skitz isn’t the one on cooking duty.”
All three of us made a face, undoubtedly sharing the memory of Skitz’s pot roast the week before, which had been too dark on the outside and too pink on the inside.
My mind went to the only one of us who could cook worth a damn, and I asked, “Heard from Tony?”
“Not in a few weeks,” Blaze said.
“Think he’ll be back?” I asked.
“Eventually, yeah.”
I was going to ask Blaze if he thought Cane was what was keeping Tony away, but the guy in question walked in the back door. As usual, Cane wore all black: a black button-down shirt tucked into black jeans and black boots.
“Going to work?” he asked me.
“Yeah, here in a few,” I answered.
“Can you give me a lift? My bike’s on its last leg. Gonna get a new one end of the week.”
“Same place as last time?” I asked, and at Cane’s nod, I told him I’d be out in a minute. We heard the front door close a moment later.
“Where’d you drop him off last time?” Lake asked curiously.
“Basement of some building in Brooklyn.”
“Wonder why he goes there?” Lake mused.
I shrugged. “He didn’t need a ride home last time. Guess he knows someone there.”
Lake looked at Blaze. “He hasn’t been doing much porn since Tony left. How does he get his money?”
“He pays his dues and pulls his weight just like everyone else around here, so as far as I’m concerned, what he does on his own time is none of my business.”
“You can’t say you’re not curious.” Lake poked Blaze in the chest.
“Not curious enough to be a busybody,” Blaze said, grabbing Lake’s finger and using it to pull his boyfriend closer for a kiss. I left them to it.
I agreed with Blaze—what Cane did on his own time was his business. Still, when I left him at the curb in downtown Brooklyn, I couldn’t help wondering what he could be doing there.
At The Yellow Banana, I spent an hour getting everything ready at the bar before the manager opened the doors. I wasn’t too surprised to see Mick come in with the early crowd. He’d become a regular on Friday nights.
“Hey, man, what can I get ya?” I asked when he slid onto a stool.
“Bloody Mary,” Mick said, eyes moving over the crowd. He was dressed conservatively in jeans, a short-sleeved blue shirt, and his regular glasses.
I handed him his drink and moved to wait on other customers. The next time I saw Mick, he was chatting up a member of the Sinners called Kil who had once gotten handsy with Lake. Mick didn’t seem like he minded Kil’s big hand on his waist or the proprietary way the biker was maneuvering the smaller man onto his lap, so I didn’t try to intervene, but I kept an eye on them.
The night went quickly. It was so damned packed, the other guy working the bar and I could barely get the glasses washed before they were used up again. The guys on the pole were racking up the dough, but I doubted Lake would regret not being there. His days of scraping for every cent he could earn were long gone. Not that Lake let Blaze pay his way, exactly, but whatever rent Lake insisted upon paying Blaze wasn’t breaking him like the overpriced apartment had.
“Hey,” someone called to me, and I turned to see Kil motioning me to the end of the bar.
“Where’s Mick?” I asked, looking around.
“Who? Oh, he went to the little twinks’ room,” Kil said. “I got a question for ya.”
I looked at him warily as I dried a glass with a cloth.
“Okay.”
Kil looked over his shoulder before looking back at me. “My club leader’s looking for a green light.”
“What’s that gotta do with me?” I asked. I got requests for things every once in a while, some of which I did just to hold up my street cred, but murder for hire wasn’t one of them and never would be. Mostly I broke bones.
“Heard you do it.”
“Who told you that?”
Kil looked like he was thinking back. “Guy called Gerry mentioned it at the last poker game.”
Now there was somebody I hadn’t thought of in a while. Gerry had been a prospect for my old club who’d idolized me and let me pound him a few times. Hadn’t seen him in years.
“Well, you heard wrong.”
“Pays good,” Kil said.
I looked the guy over. He was almost as big as me and pretty tough-looking with his septum piercing and skull tat on his neck, but I was pretty sure I could take him in a fight if I had to.
Hardening my face, I looked him in the eye. “I said I don’t do that shit. Now fuck off.”
Mick approached, sidling up to Kil and tucking himself under his arm.
After giving me an unfriendly glare, Kil clapped Mick on the ass, and said, “Ready to go have some fun, sweet cheeks?”
Mick nodded. I tried to catch the kid’s gaze, but he only had eyes for Kil. I watched them walk toward the door together before announcing last call and wiping down the bar.
As soon as the doors were locked a half hour later, I pulled out my phone and called Caleb.
“Hey, babe,” I said when he answered. “You still got company?”
“They just left. Tell me you’re coming over,” Caleb said.
I grinned. “I’m coming over.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
Caleb
The moment Axel wrapped his arms around me, all was right with my world. Not that I hadn’t had a good time with Lake and Morgan—I had. But nothing made me feel as good as being with my big, muscular boyfriend.
“I missed you,” Axel said in my ear, voice low and sexy. He palmed my ass, and I groaned.
“I missed you, too. Can you stay the night?”
“I don’t work a double tomorrow, so I can if you want me to.”
I grinned. “Of course I want you to!”<
br />
Axel kissed me on one cheek and then the other. “Love those dimples. They only show when you smile real big.” I stood on tiptoes and kissed him, nudging my tongue inside his mouth to rub against his. Beneath my right hand, I could feel Axel’s heart beating hard.
We decided to watch a movie. Axel took off his jacket, put his boots in the corner, and we settled on the couch.
“Flamingo socks. I like,” I said, and Axel wiggled his toes playfully.
We chose a sci-fi movie and cuddled on the couch. About fifteen minutes in, I asked, “Can we stop using condoms? I’ve never been with anybody else.”
Axel met my eyes. “But I have.”
“You could get tested.”
“Let’s table that conversation for now.” He kissed my temple, and we went back to watching the movie. I got up about halfway through and made us some popcorn. The aliens in the movie made us both laugh, even though they were supposed to be scary. We debated who was hotter, the commander of the ship or his nemesis.
When the film was over and the popcorn gone, we lay down on the couch together. I ran my fingers over the sleeve of tattoos on Axel’s arm while he played with my hair.
“I meant it before,” I said. “I want you to fuck me bare.” I turned my head to look at him. “You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” I asked, studying his face. With eyes the color of a deer and hair black as a bear, he was ruggedly handsome and so very, very sexy. I ran my hand over his close beard.
Axel watched me. “I’ve never done it bare. I’m perfectly happy to use a condom.”
“But I bet it feels so much better without one. You could get tested. Then we could do it whenever we feel like it.”
“You’re forgetting about lube,” Axel said with a teasing smile. “We always gotta have some of that.”
I thought about it. “People use spit, don’t they?” My dick stirred at the thought of Axel spitting on my hole and then pushing into me.
Frowning, Axel ran his hand over my hair. “Caleb, that would hurt. I don’t want to hurt you.”
“You’re so sweet.” Smiling, I pressed a kiss to the center of his chest through his T-shirt before resting my cheek there. “So I’ll make sure I have lube on me at all times. But I want to feel you inside me without a barrier. Even more now that I know you haven’t been with anyone that way before. Please, Axel.” I trailed a finger down his chest to his navel.
The Survivor and his Safe Place Page 16