by Amy Brent
She nodded and, for a moment, I thought she would surprise me by being reasonable. She didn’t.
With her anger growing stronger in her eyes, she reached for one of my shirts and covered herself as she barked, “So you kicked me out of my own room without consulting me?”
Annoyance bubbled up inside of me over being denied an unobstructed view of my girlfriend’s body, but I didn’t say anything knowing it would only make this argument worse. Instead, I tried to keep my voice calm and conciliatory as I spoke.
“I’m not kicking you out, baby,” I said honestly and took a step closer to her. “This is still your room and, as far as I’m concerned, it’ll always be your room. We just need to keep up appearances while your mom is here. As soon as she’s gone, I’ll bring back your things myself. I promise.”
Her green eyes filled with unshed tears, but she kept them firmly focused on me as I continued to walk in her direction. I could tell that the wheels in her head were turning, and I just hoped that they were turning in my favor.
With my heart pounding in my chest, I took another step in her direction. When she didn’t try to pull away, I felt encouraged to touch her. However, as my hand reached the curve of her hip, Jessica shook her head and took a step back.
“No,” she whispered and looked down for a very long second. Unsure if she was saying no to my touch or to me in general, I inhaled a deep and hurtful breath as I pulled my hand away.
When she looked back up at me, there were tears in her eyes. “I don’t want to keep up appearances anymore. I don’t want to lie to my mother the way I am or hide this mammoth of a secret from my best friend. It’s killing me, Ben.
“She’s my mother, the woman who worked herself to the bone so I would have a good life, and the first thing that popped into my head when you mentioned her visit was, ‘Shit!’ That’s not okay. It’s not okay for me to resent her because she belongs to you and I don’t. It’s not okay for me to hate her presence just because it means I can’t touch you. It’s not okay for me to have to switch rooms and erase the happiness in my life because you made a fucking mess out of our lives.”
As she stopped for breath, panic gripped like vice in my throat making it hard for me to breathe. I loved Jessica, there was no doubt about that. However, my career, my position within my company, my inheritance, my everything was on the line, and for that reason, I dreaded the ultimatum I could feel brewing in her mouth.
Closing my eyes, I made myself more open and vulnerable than I had ever been in front of someone else, and begged, “Please, Jess. Don’t say what you’re about to say. Don’t make me choose because I can’t. I can’t choose between twenty years of work and the only woman I’ve ever . . .” I closed my mouth quickly and cleared my throat before that dangerous little word slipped out and made this whole thing messier than it already was.
After a deep breath, I opened my eyes and continued, “You’re my first girlfriend, and I like that. I like us and you for way more than your pussy. That has never happened before, so please, don’t make me choose because either way, I’ll lose. It’s just five months, and I’ll be yours. Just yours.”
Jessica stared at me, and I could see the conflict in those gorgeous green eyes. They gave me hope that she would see reason and wait. But then, she clasped her arms around my face and brought her lips to mine. She kissed me, and though her lips still felt comfortable and familiar, there was something not quite right about them. When she pulled away from me, I finally understood what that something was. It was goodbye.
“I don’t just like you,” she started in a voice that was broken but somehow still firm. “I love you. I love you with all my heart. But, I love myself and my mother too. And, I’m as tired of sharing you as I am of lying to her. So, you’ll have to choose. Either you move my stuff back here, and we tell my mom everything, or we’re done.”
Maybe it was because of my lack of experience in the dating department, but I had no idea how we went from being in bed and perfectly happy to ending things in the span of five minutes. However, that appeared to be the case, and I had no fucking clue of what to do or how to stop the train wreck happening in front of my eyes.
“Don’t, baby,” I begged. “We can go away together over New Years. We’ll walk around in public, and I’ll tell everyone you’re my girlfriend. Just don’t make me choose. I’ll lose everything. Just wait a bit longer.”
Jessica’s chest deflated with the power of her exhale, and a couple of tears fell from her eyes at my words. She stared at me for seconds that seemed to last a lifetime, and her beautiful eyes held an intensity that filled the air around us, making it as heavy as this moment.
“No, you wouldn’t lose everything,” she said in a voice that was pure sadness. “You’d still have your shares, the billions you worked for, and me. But maybe a freaking chair, an inheritance you don’t need and a title you’d eventually get on your own mean more to you than actually being happy. If that’s the case, I’m really sorry for you, Ben.”
With that simplistic and hurtful assessment, Jessica turned around and walked way.
I stood there, like a moron, staring at her as she walked out of the closet and towards the bedroom door. For some reason, the world seemed to move in slow motion making each step she took feel like an eternity. That infinity of time still wasn’t enough to give me any light of what to do.
Every inch of my heart wanted stop Jessica and beg for her forgiveness. I wanted to drop on my knees and promise her whatever she wanted me to promise just so that she would remain mine. I wanted to tell her that I loved her and couldn’t live without her because I knew the first statement to be the most absolute truth and the pain in my chest at her absence made me afraid to test the second.
However, my head—my stupid, rational, greedy head—held me back. It told me that five months of personal happiness couldn’t compare to twenty years of professional success, and for a second, just one fucking second, my heart wavered, and she walked out the door.
For the first time ever, I felt lonely in my own bedroom, and that strange feeling finally quieted my brain and jolted me into action. I knew that going after Jessica with Pam bound to arrive at any moment was highly imprudent, but I no longer cared. With my heart beating out of my chest, I put on a pair of sweatpants and ran after her, hoping that I wasn’t too late.
Chapter 28 — Pam
I was so excited about coming home for the holidays. Over the last five months, I had heard so many amazing things about my daughter’s new life as a med student, and I was thrilled to see it all first hand. However, as I opened the front door my enthusiasm about being back was quickly diminished.
“Jess . . . Please, open up,” I heard Ben say from upstairs.
With a frown forming between my brows, looked up at the second story where my half naked—fake—husband was banging on my daughter’s bedroom door. Worry instantly gripped at me, but before I could order my feet to take a step towards the stairs Ben’s voice echoed again, and my whole body froze.
“C’mon, baby. I’ve been standing here for over half an hour, just talk to me.”
The anguish in his voice was something I had never heard before and though it tugged at my heartstrings, hearing him call my daughter baby made my blood boil. Needing to know more before jumping into action, I held my breath and kept my gaze focused on Ben as he placed his hands on either side of the door frame and hung his head.
I stood immobile, as to not draw attention to myself, and waited along with him for what seemed like forever. Still, Jessica didn’t open the door. I kept waiting for him to notice me or walk away from her door, but he didn’t. He just stood there, looking like half the man I knew.
Confusion filled my heart. I wanted to run upstairs and demand explanations, but at the same time, I felt like I should wait and see what he would do. So, I waited. And then I waited a little more. Then, after a few more minutes, just as Ben’s wide shoulders sagged and a loud and desperate exhale echoed through the
huge house, the door finally opened.
“Thank you for opening the door,” Ben said with relief in his voice.
There was a moment of silence, then Jessica said, “I didn’t open because of you. I have a party to go to, and so do you and your wife.”
The bite and resentment in Jessica’s voice at that last word, the one that was intrinsically connected to me, was something I didn’t expect or enjoyed. My frown deepened even more just as Ben’s voice echoed down the stairs again.
“I don’t care about parties and, despite how good of a friend Pam is, I don’t care about her either. I just care about you. Stay here and talk to me.”
Jessica let out a sharp huff and said, “Now you want me to stay?”
“I always want you to stay, baby. You know that.”
There was honesty underneath Ben’s tone, but it only seemed to make Jessica madder. “Do you, Benjamin? Do you really? Because my clothes beg to differ.”
Another one of those audible sighs echoed down the stairs, and the muscles on Ben’s back rolled as he ran a hand through this hair. “I know you’re upset, and you have every right to be. Moving you out of our room was a dickhead move, and I already regret it. Letting you walk away the way you did, was even worst. You have to believe me, baby.”
“I do believe you, Ben,” she growled. Then, she fell silent for a few moments. When she spoke again, her voice was calmer but defeated. “I can see in your eyes how sad you are, but that doesn’t change anything. These last five months have made me really happy. You’ve made me really happy, but I don’t want to lie and sneak around my mom anymore. It makes me sad and sick to my stomach, and since you still put your career and that stupid arrangement you two have above everything I don’t see how we can go on.”
“I don’t—” Ben started, but never got to finish as Jessica cut him off.
“You do, and I want to be with a man who’ll put my needs first, especially when they’re as basic as not having to feel jealous of my own mother. I want to be with a man who loves me and not just likes me, and who’ll go with me to a party like a regular boyfriend. Above all, I want a man who chooses me, even when it’s a hard choice. Despite your regret, your actions today proved that you’re not that man.”
The emotion and tension passing between the two of them made my heart beat so fast I felt dizzy. On one side, I hated Ben for not keeping his promise and making my girl hurt as much as she clearly was. However, now that I knew he was the real reason why Jessica had been so happy, I couldn’t help but worship Ben for making her feel like that and hate myself for being the stone in their step.
With tears in my eyes, I quietly backed out of the house and closed the door behind me. I walked away from the door and leaned against a nearby tree. Still completely conflicted, I closed my eyes and tried to think about what to do.
My anguished mind went back and forth between making a scene and divorcing Ben for being an asshole and returning to my home in Paris so they could be happy again. Before I could come up with any sort of real plan, however, I heard the door opening and felt a chill go down my spine. Forcing a smile to my lips, I pushed away from the tree and grabbed my suitcase to pretend I had just arrived. Half a second later, Jess appeared at the threshold.
“Mom!” she exclaimed, doing a great job at pretending she didn’t know I was coming. “I can’t believe you’re here.”
Knowing that I couldn’t tell her that I had overheard her and Ben and, therefore, knew she was lying I played along.
“Surprise!” I yelled with an enthusiasm I didn't quite feel as I ran to hug her. Her slender arms curled around my shoulders with the same desperation her five years old self used after a nasty nightmare. Smoothing her longish hair, I kept my voice extra gentle and said, “I had some days off and decided to come spend Christmas with my favorite daughter.”
She pulled away from me and gave me a broad—and clearly fake—smile. “I’m your only daughter, but that’s still awesome. I’m so happy you’re here.”
After everything I had just heard, I knew she was lying. I guess that was what we did now. After almost twenty-three years of truth and friendship, we were the kind of mother and daughter duo that had secrets and awkwardness. I hated it, and I hated myself for putting us into this situation, but still, I put on a fake ass smile and lied right back.
“Me too, baby.” Hoping to steer this conversation to safer and less painful topics, I looked her up and down and raised a brow. She looked Christmas gorgeous in a short, long sleeve red dress with emerald green pumps and some bold pieces of gold jewelry. “You look beautiful.”
A smile that was a bit more honest crept on Jess’ lips as she shrugged. “Mallory, my friend from school, is throwing this red, green and gold party at her house.”
“That sounds fun,” I assured her in the same smiley tone I usually used.
“Yeah,” she agreed with sadness in her eyes. “But I don’t have to go if you don’t want me to. I can stay here and hang out with you.”
Knowing my daughter as well as I did, I could see her eyes begging me to let her go just as clearly as I saw the self-loathing she felt for feeling that way. With everything I had just overheard, I understood perfectly well why she felt that way. Staying with me, meant staying with Ben and his wife, and even though we all knew we weren’t actually married, I was still the one in their way.
A part of me wanted to walk into the house and murder Ben for causing all this trouble, but deep down, I knew he wasn’t the one to blame for Jessica’s pain. I was. I was the one who had brought him into her life. I was the one who forbade him to pursue her even though I had absolutely no feelings for him. And, I was also the one who left, leaving him as her only companion at home.
Realizing that I had put the pained expression on my daughter’s face was like a punch to the gut. I knew I had to do something to make things better, but I didn’t know what. I couldn’t hold her and tell her everything was going to be alright without telling her I had overheard a personal conversation—something I definitely couldn’t do. I also couldn’t ask her what was wrong because I knew she would just lie again, and that would hurt both of us even more. I was literally between a rock and a hard place, I had no one to blame but myself.
“No, honey,” I said with a shake of my head and tears rimming my eyes. “You go have fun, and we’ll hang out tomorrow.”
She let out a sigh of relief and smiled. “Okay. Have fun at the office party with Ben.” The tiniest frown formed between her brows and, despite hesitating for a second, she added, “He’s in a bit of a mood today, and will probably end up drinking too much. Don’t let him drink , okay?”
“I won’t,” I said with an appreciative smile curling my lips.
With that, Jess hugged me once again, said how good it was to have me back and then walked towards her car, leaving me alone and heartbroken in the driveway. I waved her goodbye and then took a deep breath before carrying my small suitcase back towards the house’s front door.
It had been months since I last found the place intimidating, but today I did. I wasn’t sure if it was because of the house itself or the decision I had to make, but I felt incredibly small as I pushed those massive doors open and walked into the large entryway of what was essentially my daughter’s house.
“Jess?” Ben’s voice echoed from the stairway before I even closed the door. His tone was sadder and more anguished than it was during their argument and it tugged at my soft heart yet again.
“No, just me,” I said after a deep breath as I turned around to look at him.
Ben tried and failed not to look too disappointed as he made his way, still bare-chested, down the stairs. “Welcome, dear,” he greeted me with a fake smile. “You’ve just missed Jessica.”
“I saw her just outside, actually.” Wanting to test him and reassure myself that the feelings he had demonstrated during their argument were true, I added, “She looked gorgeous.”
Although he smiled, I had a distinct fee
ling that my comment and his expression were hurting him. It eased the uneasiness in my chest a little bit and made me surer that I had to find a way to make things right for them. I had no idea how I would go about doing that, but I knew it was something that had to be done.
“How was your trip?” he asked, promptly changing the subject.
Since I didn’t have a plan and was still unsure how to approach the Jessica situation, I breathed a sigh of relief and replied, “It was good. A little bumpy, but sitting back and relaxing instead of calming passengers was a treat. Thanks for upgrading my ticket, by the way. You didn’t have to do that.”
He waved a hand as if it was nothing—because to him, it really was—and grabbed my suitcase. It felt odd to see Ben doing the handy work instead of calling his butler for help, but it was a good change. It was one that showed growth, and that eased a bit more of my uneasiness regarding him and Jessica.
We walked in an awkward silence for half of the stairwell. Then, in a tired tone, he asked, “Are you well rested enough for the party? The board expects to see you, but if you want to stay and rest I can tell them you weren’t feeling well.”
Not knowing if he was saying that for my or his benefit, I shrugged. “I’ll be okay after a nice, warm shower.”
Ben smiled and nodded, then continued to walk in silence to my bedroom door. With a long inhale, he placed my suitcase on the floor and smiled—the same fake, weak smile Jessica gave me just seconds ago.