by Jo Leigh
“I received an interesting email this morning,” he said, rising from his chair to walk around his desk. He leaned back against the dark wood, and Angie remembered Ryan standing just that way in their hotel room.
“Oh?” she said, in another stunning moment of grace and intelligence.
“Special Agent Vail had a lot to say about you.”
That took her so by surprise that she had to put the tea down on the console table. Luckily she didn’t have to respond verbally, because she wouldn’t have known how to begin.
“He was quite impressed with how you handled yourself in such a potentially awkward situation. The Bureau doesn’t make it a habit of asking our agents to go as far as you had to. I can’t imagine that it was easy.”
“It wasn’t. But I assure you, Agent Vail made all the difference. He was deeply committed to making sure the sting was successful. The lion’s share of the responsibility rested on his shoulders.”
Leonard’s smile was brief, but knowing. “He warned me you would say that.” After a strangely intense stare, the director leaned forward a couple of inches. “I’ll be frank with you, Agent Wolf. I asked Vail to meet me earlier to offer him the position in my office.”
“Good choice, sir,” she said, hoping he understood that those weren’t idle words.
“He turned me down. Said you’d be the right person for the job. That with your computer skills and your adaptability and skill as an agent, you’d be an unbeatable asset.”
Angie’s mouth opened, but nothing, not even a breath escaped as she tried to make sense of what she’d just heard. He’d turned down the job? That was crazy. Absolutely nuts. She knew he wanted it. That he’d be great at it. Hell, even the Deputy Director knew he was the right man for the position. “I’m flattered,” she said, finally, “and confused, to be honest with you.”
“That’s probably because I haven’t asked.” He smiled again, this time it was more open. “Which I’m doing right now. I think both you and Agent Vail would make excellent additions to my staff, but I only have the budget for one of you. The job is yours if you want it.”
She should have been jumping on the offer without a second thought. Last week, she would have. Her family would have been so proud. A lot had changed since then. “Thank you, sir. I appreciate the vote of confidence. But I’m afraid I’m not going to be able to accept.”
To say he looked surprised was an understatement. “Excuse me?”
“I submitted a withdrawal of my application this morning. I’ve decided to apply for a transfer to Cyber Crimes, here in Los Angeles. I believe it’s where I can do the most good, and frankly, working in programming suits me.”
Now it was the director’s turn to appear a little shell-shocked. He was a distinguished-looking man in his elegant navy suit, and she’d never seen him ruffled. Until now.
She almost apologized again, but decided against it. “Agent Vail had no idea about my decision, sir. For what it’s worth, I think your first choice was the right one. He’s the most impressive agent I’ve ever worked with.”
“Thank you for your candor, Agent Wolf.” He studied her for a long, uncomfortable moment, then continued with a short speech about what the move to D.C. would do for her career. The professional pep talk was eerily close to too many she’d heard from her parents.
It was her reaction that was different. She didn’t feel as if she were sitting on the hot seat destined to disappoint someone. No, she’d weighed the pros and cons and took responsibility for the choice she’d made. From this point forward, the only person she could disappoint was herself, but only if she didn’t try her best.
She sipped, nodded when it was appropriate, but it was obvious when the director recognized that she’d already made up her mind. With a faint smile of defeat, he straightened.
She stood, held out her hand.
He shook it with a certain gravity, which she understood. “I’m regretting my budget restrictions even more after speaking to you both. But I agree you will make a considerable contribution to the Bureau working in Cyber Crimes.”
She smiled as he let her go and took a huge breath once she was back out in the hall. It was only with great determination that she started walking again, because Ryan had turned down the job. For her.
Okay, so maybe Liz had a point about the whole talking thing.
* * *
AFTER A TERRIBLE NIGHT, Ryan had gotten to work a few minutes late. He hadn’t seen Angie at all after her interview with Leonard yesterday. He’d even stuck around for a while after hours, but she’d been locked up in meetings with the tech heads from Cyber Crimes. He’d spent his night at home, staring at his cell phone, debating between calling her, showing up at her place or trying one more time to make something happen at one of his night spots.
In the end, he’d fallen asleep on the couch, and woken late with a stiff neck and the lingering memory of a dream. About her. About them.
The 9:00 a.m. call from the Supervisory Special Agent in Las Vegas came directly to Ryan, and his two-finger whistle brought everything to a halt in the bullpen. He put the phone on speaker. “You’ve got our attention,” he said.
“At 7:22 a.m. we arrested Marcus Aldrich for extortion under Penal Codes 518-527 inclusive. We’ve obtained full warrants for all material including computers, cell phones and any and all electronic devices belonging to or rented by the Intimate At Last staff. Delilah Bridges, Ira Bridges and Tonya Bridges are officially persons of interest in the case and won’t be leaving the country anytime soon. Well done, Los Angeles.”
The team burst into applause with more than a few members whooping it up. Ryan found Angie’s gaze and held it. Whatever else had happened, this was their victory. They’d come through for the team and for the Bureau. He hadn’t always believed they would, so this was a good thing. A damn good thing.
She smiled. Picked up her phone. He watched her type a text from about fifteen feet away. It wasn’t a surprise that his cell rang.
I would like to speak to you. Tonight. At your apartment. After work.
Despite his desire to speak to her, it took him a minute to respond. He wasn’t sure he wanted to hear what she had to say. Most likely that she’d accepted the D.C. job. He figured she’d heard about his letter to the Deputy Director, but that didn’t excuse his behavior last week. No matter what, there was no happy ever after ahead, not for the two of them. It was surprising enough that he found he wanted one, even though he wasn’t sure he had what it took to make Angie happy.
He’d like to try, though.
Next life, he’d know better. This life, he texted her a quick You bet. She’d have her say, and then he’d figure out what was next for him. He’d stick around in White Collar and milk this victory for all it was worth, then take a look at what was available. He was free to go anywhere, maybe take on Major Crimes or tackle Terrorism. The only place he wouldn’t look was Washington, D.C. He couldn’t bear the idea of working in the same office with her again.
He put his cell away as Gordon Palmer walked into the room, causing yet another swell of celebration.
“Great job, everyone,” he said. “We’ll continue to support the Las Vegas team as we head toward convictions and restitution. You all deserve a raise. You’re not going to get them, but you deserve them.”
He got a laugh, even though it wasn’t all that amusing.
“Now get back to work. We’ve let too many of cases slide these last few months. It’s time to play catch-up.”
The transition back to work mode was smooth, but unsettling. Ryan wanted the assignment to be over. To get back to normal. But normal had left the building.
Somehow, he was able to read an entire brief without thinking of what would happen after work at his place. But he kept sneaking glances at Angie. Surprisingly, she kept sneaking glances back.
* * *
ANGIE STOOD OUTSIDE RYAN’S door, unable to bring her hand up to knock. He knew she was standing there. She’d told him she
was coming, and he’d buzzed her in, but that didn’t matter. She was scared to death and there was still time to make an escape. He wouldn’t press her about it. They were already riding a tidal wave of awkward. But if she knocked and he let her inside, and she did what she’d come to do, there was every chance that wave might drown her.
But not doing the thing that needed to be done? She would regret it forever. It was all about choices. Especially the hard ones. So she knocked, and he must have been standing right there, probably looking at her through the peephole, and wondering if she’d lost her mind.
The answer was clearly yes.
She hadn’t been in his apartment before, although she’d been to the building. Once, a long time ago. He’d met her in the lobby and she’d driven the two of them to a weapons seminar. She’d expected the white walls, but she hadn’t been prepared for the emptiness. It was as if no one lived there. More like a home used by undercover agents than anyone with a real life.
It made her sad and scared for him, although she wasn’t sure why about that last part.
“You want something? I’ve got coffee. Uh. Coffee. Oh, water. Tap water.”
“I’m good, thanks.”
They hadn’t moved from next to the door. He’d closed it, done up the dead bolt. Some things became a habit when you worked in law enforcement.
The silence stretched between them, and Angie knew that because she’d called this meeting, she’d need to be the one to speak first. If only she’d thought of that before right this second.
“Want to sit?”
His couch was masculine and leather, dark brown, big. There was a coffee table that was some other kind of wood, and while she was no decorator, she could tell the two didn’t go together. But she didn’t want to sit there. In the kitchen, a small table had four utilitarian chairs. Those would do.
She took off her jacket and put it, along with her purse, on the coffee table. Then she arranged two of the chairs in the plentiful empty space, facing each other. A few feet apart.
Of course, he recognized the setup as the one they’d used in the thirty-four-minute exercise. The look of dread on his face wasn’t surprising. She’d blindsided him on purpose. “You can say no,” she said. “But I’d appreciate it if you didn’t.”
He stood still for a really long time. He was in his work clothes, sans jacket. He’d rolled up the sleeves of his white Oxford shirt and removed his tie. He bore a striking resemblance to Ryan Ebsen. Both of them were as masculine as that huge couch, but thankfully much better-looking.
“If this is to yell at me, couldn’t we just do that standing up?”
“I’m not here to yell at you,” she said. That he thought so surprised her.
“Why not?”
“Because you didn’t do anything wrong. Well, maybe you could have been nicer, but no. I won’t be yelling.”
He moved, stepping closer so abruptly it startled her. “I was a jackass. Of all the people in the world, you did not deserve me being such an unmitigated prick.”
“True.”
He snorted, as if she had to be nuts. “That’s it?”
She nodded. “You were just being yourself. I knew what we were doing there was an act. You could have softened the blow, but I suppose I needed the wake-up call.”
He met her gaze. She didn’t shy away, just let him look. Her visit was more about her than him in the long run, but it was also about them. About clearing the air; and while he’d started that ball rolling, she wanted to steer it in the right direction.
Stepping over to the chair, she didn’t sit, just waited, prepared for him to bow out. God knew, Ryan was nothing if not averse to emotions of any kind. But maybe, perhaps, hopefully, their days at the workshop had opened a tiny crack in the giant fortress he’d built to protect himself.
With a rueful shake of his head, he sat down in the awful chair. That’s when her heart started pounding double time. She figured she could get through this as long as she didn’t stop to think. No crying, either. Under any circumstances.
She sat across from him. Judged the distance, then scooted in an inch. Then she set her watch alarm for thirty minutes.
“When I was ten, I had won a race at a district-wide meet. It was nothing, really, but it was held at a high school that had a proper track and there were ribbons and too much screaming from parents. I won my race, and my team also won the relay. So I came home with two ribbons, which my parents put up on a really large poster board in the family room.
“Anyway, they had some company over, I don’t remember who. It was late, but I needed to use the bathroom, and had to walk down the hallway to get there. I passed the family room on the way, and I heard my father talking. I slowed down when he said my name.
“He said that I was built like a thoroughbred. That he’d always known that I was going to be a champion, and today was just the beginning. He’d bet everything he owned that I’d end up in the Olympics, and that I’d be a gold medalist. He planned on building a special display case for those medals.
“Then my mother started. About how I was a natural, how coaches were lining up, wanting to take me under their wings. They were being very picky, and if it meant moving to another state, they’d move. Because I was going to finally bring home the gold.”
Ryan had leaned forward. But he hadn’t looked away from her, not at all. “Sounds like a lot of pressure.”
“I was utterly terrified,” she said. “I shook so hard I had an accident in the hallway. Luckily it was a hardwood floor, so I was able to clean it up, but I ended up throwing my pajama pants out my bedroom window, then tossing them in a trash bin the next day. I was humiliated, but more than that, I knew without any doubt whatsoever that I was not going to be an Olympic champion. Not only was I not that fast, but I didn’t care about it. I mean, competing was okay, but I didn’t want to get up hours before school to train, dedicate my life to the sport.
“I wanted to go on sleepovers and playdates and I had it bad for horses, but I knew in that moment that I would forevermore have to do everything I could to make them proud of me, but in every way, not just on the track. I’ve lived my whole life trying to be that perfect person. Let me tell you. It’s exhausting.”
He sighed, finally looked down, but only for a moment. “I’m sorry you had to go through that.”
“I don’t think they meant any harm. They wanted what they saw as an ideal life for me. They had no way of knowing that conversation was going to set the direction of my life. That it would become the foundation of who I believed I was. How I was destined to fail.”
“But you studied computer tech in college.”
“My scholarship was in track and my major was pre-law. It nearly killed them when they realized I truly didn’t have the talent for either. It’s never been the same between us. Never.”
“Do parents ever get it right?”
“Some more than others,” she said.
He nodded, and she knew he was thinking about his father. About the way his mother had discarded him.
“But at some point,” she said, “I realized I had to let go of what they wanted from me, and become the person I wanted to be.” Angie cleared her throat, because this was coming up on the hard part. The part where she put her heart in her palm and let the chips fall.
“I’m not sorry I went to Vegas,” she said, and he had to lean in a little closer because her voice wasn’t coming out very loud. “But especially, I want you to know that I’m not even a little sorry about what happened to us personally. I’ve been attracted to you for a long time, and while I understand you aren’t interested, I’m okay with that. What I don’t want is for us to be weird with each other. Besides realizing how amazing sex could be, I found out so many other more important things. You were careful with me. You were creative and clever, and you always had my back...every minute and—”
“Stop,” he said, and Angie gasped because she hadn’t noticed that his eyes had changed, that he wasn’t commis
erating with her any more, he was in pain.
“What? I’m sorry. I—”
“Don’t apologize, for God’s sake, don’t. And don’t you dare say that I was careful with you. I was reckless. I thought you were just another...”
He stood. He walked all the way into the kitchen, opened up a cupboard and pulled out a bottle of Johnnie Walker. He poured himself a shot, and then brought down a different kind of glass and poured another shot for her. But he downed his standing by the counter, then just stood there, staring at the white cupboard.
Finally he walked back to her. Offered her the drink. She shook her head.
He sat again. Swallowed hard, put the drink on the floor, reached over and took her hands in his. When he met her gaze, she wouldn’t have looked away for all the money on earth. “I’m so sorry, Angie,” he said. “I was a complete bastard to you. I took advantage of the situation. I was unprofessional, and it was unforgivable. I just wanted you so damn badly.
“And then, that last night in our room, I got scared. Truly terrified, like you standing in that hallway. You aren’t like any woman I’ve ever been with. I didn’t want to let you go, and that was...unprecedented. You’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met, and you’ve kind of messed everything up. I’ve tried to slide back into my life, but I can’t. You’re everything I didn’t know I was missing.”
“What?” The rug had not only been pulled out from under her, but she’d lost the ability to put two words together.
“If I were any other man, I’d never let you go again. I’d move heaven and earth to make you happy.”
That helped her find her voice. “If you were any other man, I wouldn’t want you.”
The way he smiled broke her heart. “You don’t know. You couldn’t know.”
“You don’t, either,” she said. “God, if you weren’t going to Washington... And hey, that letter—”
“If I wasn’t going to... What?”
“Oh. Leonard hasn’t contacted you yet?”
“I’m seeing him tomorrow afternoon, but I wasn’t told the agenda.”