by Pavel Kostin
But maybe not.
I step on the gas and follow the car. At the next junction it stops in the middle lane. It’s going straight ahead. I’ve got to go right here.
I line up behind the Honda. What to do now? Tail a stranger’s car? Honk my horn and push him onto the hard shoulder? Both would look insane. What am I doing?!
I swear at myself, but don’t stop following the car. It’s going somewhere out of the city. At the next junction I stop in the neighbouring lane, trying to get a look at the driver.
And then, completely on its own, without any involvement on my part, even against my strict intentions, a smile blossoms on my lips. I knew it. Thank you, Lady F. There is more to this. You see, it’s important. Not so important what the result is, but that all this is not a coincidence. Not all for nothing.
I overtake the Honda and start to beep, trying to gently push it towards the hard shoulder. The Honda’s driver looks nervously through the window. He doesn’t want to stop, but I move right up next to him, not slowing down. Finally, he recognises my car.
The Honda stops by the side of the road. I stop next it. I get out of my car and go over to it.
Mutt climbs out of the Honda and looks at me in surprise. I can’t tell yet whether he’s pleased to see me, or annoyed that I made him stop.
“Max? Hi! What’s up? Are you alright?”
I go over to him and he gives me a firm handshake, looking me warily in the eye.
“I’m more than alright, Mutt. Sorry that I made you stop or if I scared you. I want to go with you.”
“You didn’t scare me… What?! Come with me? How did you know?”
“Know what?”
“That I’m going to the country for a festival. Did Gray tell you?”
I don’t want to disappoint him, even though the fact that I have access to mysterious magical knowledge (am I too talkative, Lady F?) is burning away inside me. I want to tell him, to show him my special gift, and enjoy the secret power of very occasionally letting slip, with some tiny gesture, some subtle change of inflection, that I’m special. That secret pathways are open to me.
“Something like that,” I smile broadly at him. “So then, are we going?”
“Let’s go… But I’ve still got to pick up Gray too!”
“Great. And go to some shopping centre or something, I need to stock up for the journey. Are we going for long?”
“I don’t know. For a couple of days for sure.”
Damn… I’ll have to call off sick from work. Oh well. I’m obviously supposed to go. My path lies in this direction and I should stick to it.
“Wait a sec, I need to park the car…”
I pull the Torino into the nearest courtyard. I leave it in a quiet spot, out of anyone’s way. I jump in Mutt’s Honda. It’s dark in there, but comfy. Someone else’s car is like someone else’s house or someone else’s character. If it’s good, then fine. At first everything seems unusual. But you need to get used to it, and then you start to notice how nice and cosy it is.
I strap myself in.
“So then, are we off?”
“We’re off!” Mutt nods cheerfully.
I feel good. Fate is leading me by the hand, and right now I’m in love: with Lady F, and with myself, and with speed, and with Mutt, and with all these guys, and with the bright warm street, and with the warm summer air, and with the trembling of the green leaves, and with everyone in the city, and with the distant horizon, and even with the blue sky and the dim silhouettes of the high-rises with their windows gleaming like sparks far far far in the distance.
• • •
The day moves towards evening. There’s three of us: me, Gray and Mutt. We’re driving out of town. Mutt’s at the wheel, I’m in the front, Gray’s in the back. We pass a sign with the name of the city crossed out and everything starts to change. The lights, the colours, the world becomes different. The city has its own unique atmosphere. Not good or bad. Some people like it, some don’t. But it’s unique.
“What do you think of her?” Gray asks.
We keep going. They’re talking about Oxana. It was me who introduced them to her, by the way. I’d be really pleased if she got some normal friends. But she didn’t show any interest, she’s still mucking about with God knows who. Then I have to go and drag her out of some flat in the middle of the night. Just what I need.
“I don’t know,” Mutt says. “Don’t you go falling in love with her, Gray.”
“Where do you get that from, that I’m planning on falling in love?” Gray asks surprised.
But, hang on, he’s a little too surprised! Interesting. Mutt doesn’t say much. He doesn’t comment on what Gray says. His sharp Indian features are unmoved.
“What do you reckon, Max?” Gray asks. “Do you think it’s worth me falling in love?”
“It’s not worth it, Gray,” I reply.
“Why?!” Now Gray really is interested.
“She’s got her own unique way with men. The ones she goes for. Always has, always will.”
Mutt flashes a rapid, inquiring glance at me.
“Tell us!” Gray demands.
“I’m not going to…” I shake my head. “It just is what it is, believe me.”
Gray leans up against the window, offended.
We keep going. Beyond the window there are wide open spaces. My beloved infinity. The sky, the distant clouds, fields up to the horizon. The road goes through a huge plain, to the left and right there are vast expanses, no fences. The road cuts the world in two like a beam of light. There are no edges, there is just one side and the other.
The sky is so high, with magical gradients of colour, blue and pink; light, clear clouds float at the very top, making it seem like we are tiny and we are travelling along the bottom of some huge building, like a cathedral. Twilight thickens and the world fades and shrinks, but the shimmering colours keep getting brighter and brighter, and in your heart you start to feel that familiar mix of excitement, nostalgia and sadness for hidden memories, for a forgotten miracle…
It takes a long time to get dark. The blackness thickens around us on the unlit road. By Mutt’s calculations we should be there after midnight. The headlights slice the darkness and reality is bunched into a bright rhombus in front of us stretched out over the canvas of the road.
We keep going. The hours pass slowly. Me and Gray are tired, but Mutt, I reckon, is doubly tired, though he doesn’t show it. My back and legs are unbelievably numb. My body is overtaken by a passionate desire to stretch out to my full length, move my arms and legs so that the blood flows eagerly through all my veins, arteries and blood vessels and floods my cells with oxygen.
Finally Gray can’t bear it any longer
“Mutt, maybe we could take a break somewhere? Aren’t you tired?”
“I am, yeah,” Mutt says.
I’m glad to hear it. I’d also like to stretch my legs, but I don’t want to complain.
“We don’t have too far to go now,” Mutt continues, “we can stop for half an hour and get a drink. I’m thirsty.”
We’re all agreed without objections. We eagerly await the next village. The dark contours of solitary houses and even trees seem like villages from a distance. But no, no.
Finally we see a streetlight in the distance and immediately recognise it – hurray, a shop! Me and Gray both hurry to point it out, but Mutt’s already noticed it for himself. He expresses no joy, but presses the accelerator and the Honda flies full steam ahead up to the little shop.
We clamber out of the car, and the first thing I do is stretch up, as hard as I can, towards the night sky, towards the stars, towards the slender moon, so that my bones click and my muscles twitch. It’s nice… And a little sore. Sore, but nice.
We go inside. A typical village shop. The
re’s nothing there. Bottles of spirits and packs of crisps which have been there for donkey’s years. I wouldn’t want to risk buying chocolates here. The sleepy shop assistant grumpily fetches us some mineral water. There’s no change. We have to get some crisps instead. Fine, to hell with her.
My mood lifts a bit. Another hour and we’ll be there! They promised they’d sort us out. I hope it’ll all get sorted without too many excitements. Then sleep. Oh yeah, sleep! If I were at home right now at this time I wouldn’t even be asleep but it seems like here I’ll be out like a light as soon as I put my head to the pillow.
We go outside and my heart sinks immediately. We’re met by a mob of local lads. It’s amazing how many of them there are. More than ten. Some of them are still just kids, but some of them are my age. I wouldn’t have reckoned that there were that many people in the whole village.
“Oi, we gonna go for a ride then…?” One of them spits.
Leaving aside the details. We run into the dark as branches whip us in the face. We run in silence, focused. Mutt is in front of me and I can hear Gray behind me. It seems as if they’re chasing after us. Shouting and whistling.
Then they’re gone. Mutt stops by the trunk of a fallen tree and listens. I stand next to him, my hands on my knees. Now I definitely don’t have enough oxygen. Gray just collapses on the ground.
“Bastards,” I say. “Is everyone alive more or less?”
Gray nods silently. Mutt shows us the torn sleeve of his coat. No other damage.
“Just in time. Those guys would’ve given us a good kicking. Just hope they don’t smash the windscreen. They might.”
“Did you lock it?” I ask.
“I did,” Mutt replies. “It’s automatic.”
Gray gets up, breathing loudly, and coughs.
“Who wants something to drink?” he says hoarsely.
He shows us the mineral water. I suddenly start to find the whole thing funny. The adrenalin probably. Oh well, who cares. It’s still funny.
“Did you really…” I ask, and already start giggling, “did you really carry that with you the whole way?”
“Er… yeah,” Gray replies and smiles to himself.
I start to laugh. It’s insanely funny!
“So you ran with it like this?!”
I act out how Gray ran through the woods, waving the bottle. I can’t stop the laughter now; I cackle like a freak, slapping the fallen tree. Gray laughs too. Even Mutt giggles, looking at us.
We laugh for a long time, using up all the adrenalin and nervous tension, laughing to the point of tears. Finally, we calm down a bit.
“What next then?” Gray asks. “We can’t spend the night here.”
“Why would we spend the night?” Mutt says. “Let’s quietly circle our way round back to the car.”
We look round. It’s very dark and we’re surrounded by trees. Suddenly we start to hear the myriad of rustles, noises and sounds of the night. After all, we are in the woods at night. There’s not a living soul around, only us. It starts getting creepy…
We make our way through to some open ground, constantly looking round. We can see the banks on the side of the road from here, but not the car. We ran about three hundred, four hundred metres through the clearing, maybe more. The road should be behind that hill in front of us. Between us and the hill there are some thickets, trees and bushes. On the top of the hill there is a little light.
“Let’s get to the road and then carefully on to the car,” Mutt suggests.
We agree. We head for the little light. It’s not that far to go, but it’s very hard going. In the dark it’s hard to figure out where the ground is flat and where it’s covered in broken branches. We need to constantly look under our feet, keep our eyes peeled and scramble through bushes. Branches scratch us and get caught on our clothes. And sometimes our path is blocked by a ditch.
In the darkness it’s hard to estimate distance. It’s practically a moonless night, all there is against the black sky is the thin strip of the new moon and a scattering of stars. It’s dark. The light on the hill keeps twinkling and twinkling away in the distance, but never gets any closer.
“Listen, don’t we have to go out to the right somehow?” Gray asks unsure. “That streetlight… or sort of camp fire thing was on the left.”
I try to figure out what he’s on about. The curve of the hill in the distance is perfectly visible, but it’s still far away. A thicket blocks the way.
“Possibly,” Mutt nods. “Let’s head straight for the light.”
We enter the little wood. The light flickers through the trees. The black trunks of the trees surround us on all sides. Fear suddenly starts to rise up inside me. But what is there to be afraid of? You’re a grown man. You should be afraid of people. People, not unknown terrors in the night. Those local yobs demonstrated that pretty convincingly half an hour ago. But it’s still scary. Irrationally scary. Something animal. I try not to lose sight of Mutt and Gray.
We go straight on through the wood. More bushes and some ditches. Then another thicket. We go through it. The light is still glittering in the distance. The curve of the hill is still very visible. Strange. We’ve already come a long way. An hour for sure. What’s the average speed of someone walking? Three and a half miles an hour. Let’s say two and half because of the difficult terrain. How long were we running away for? Five-ten minutes. Fifteen maximum. Could we have run a mile in ten minutes? Hardly. What’s going on then?
“We seem to have been going a long time, no?” Gray asks, trying not to show his fear, but I hear it in his voice and feel myself suddenly overcome with fear.
Mutt shrugs his shoulders casually. He’s also nervous.
We go faster, picking up our stride. My breathing is erratic and I can hear Gray’s uneven breathing next to me too. Something weird is definitely happening. Something stupid. How many people had got lost here ? Where are they now? But that’s too much. I want to stop, but can’t. All sorts of nonsense starts getting in to my head. Maybe they lured us here? And my travelling companions… Gray and Mutt… Maybe it’s no coincidence they’ve got those scary names?
They look at me. I’m filled with horror, and I want to vent this fear somehow, get rid of it, so I go quicker and quicker until I start running and they’re running too and I don’t know if they’re running with me or after me.
The light still twinkles in the distance. Twinkles and twinkles. The sooner you’re here the better, little light. Or I’m there. How much longer have I got to run for? Thoughts come thick and fast, get mixed up. Keep going, keep going, faster, before they catch you…!
The smell of ozone.
Where is she, where? Is she really…?
“Where are you hurrying off to?” she asks with a smile.
I stop, want to catch my breath. I’m not afraid of her. I’m very pleased to see her. My thoughts start to come together a bit.
“I’m checking out… the local area… I’m so pleased to see you!”
“That’s nice,” Lady F smiles. “I see you’re a real fan of nature walks.”
“Mmhmm. Yeah, I do love a stroll. The night air is so fresh! Especially in the woods! It’s good for your health.”
My head is sorting itself out. Calm down. Why are you running around aimlessly? First you’ve got to realise where and why, right?
It’s like Lady F can read my thoughts.
“So where are we running to?”
“Er, yeah, basically…” I say.
“Right then,” she shrugs. “Just don’t forget that you’re a predator, OK?”
I look at her blinking. A predator…? Me? Right now?!
“OK.”
“Righty-ho,” she nods, looking me in the eye. “By the way, I thought you needed to go that way!”
She points
in the opposite direction from the light, at a tiny cone of light, but at that moment, despite the distance and the dark, I distinctly recognise Mutt’s Honda and realise that the cone of light is the glowing headlights of the car.
“Thanks!” I whisper. “Thanks, yet again…”
The wood returns. I’m a predator. I’m a hunter. I need to lay low and not give myself away so I don’t frighten my prey. My head clears up instantly. It’s nice even. I wait until Mutt catches up with me.
“Mutt!” I point. “Over there!”
Mutt shouts out and stops, stumbling. He falls to the floor. He braces himself on his hands and looks at me upside down, dumbfounded. Then he looks to where the car is just visible. It comes to him slowly. He stands up, smiling. Gray catches up with us, looking suspiciously at our happy faces.
“Damn,” Mutt says. “We were running the wrong way the whole time.”
I grin, then start to giggle, and for the second time that crazy night we start to howl with laughter in the darkness, looking at each other with blank but happy expressions.
When we’ve laughed enough, we run towards the car which gets slowly but noticeably closer. Sometimes we walk to take a break.
“Let’s hope the battery’s not gone flat,” Mutt says worriedly.
The problem’s moved to a practical level. There’s no more fear. And I don’t want to remember that there ever was any.
We turn away from the strange light which no longer seems so terrifying. Maybe it was a strange star, or maybe a distant beacon. Or something else. I don’t want to think about it. It will be there forever. We won’t be its victims any more. We stopped being that the moment Lady F showed me the way.
The Honda gets closer. And then I start to notice something strange about its contours. A softness in its lines. Matt on the bodywork instead of black gloss. In the weak light of the slender moon it looks transparent. What’s going on? Maybe I’m seeing things? I slow down for a minute, moving to a walk, and notice that the others have spotted it too.
We stand and in silence look at the car with its headlights on.