“Break it up, break it up,” the umpire said, stepping in and pulling them apart.
The away captain glared at Tony whilst he yawned and patted his hand over his mouth.
“You’re a dead man,” his opponent growled through gritted teeth.
“Do you want to push back or choose your half?” the umpire asked the away team captain.
“Play!” he replied firmly.
“Then you get to choose which end you want?” the umpire said to Tony.
“I know which end his type go for,” the away captain growled. “And it makes me sick.”
Tony grinned, “you should probably try and be sick a little more often fat boy, maybe after each meal. You might lose a little weight then.” He pretended to stick his fingers down his throat.
The away captain’s face coloured and a rage danced behind his eyes.
“Hit a nerve, did I?” Tony said with a wry grin. He turned to the umpire, “I’ll stick with this h-a-l-f, if that’s okay with you.” He looked at the away captain again, “Half? Is that a concept that you’re familiar with, chubby?” Tony took a few steps back and took his position.
The umpire dropped the ball at the away captain’s feet and moved into the home team’s half of the field. The other umpire made his way into the other half of the field. The home side umpire raised his whistle to his lips and prepared to blow. Tony winked at his opponent and the whistle then sounded.
His opponent pushed the ball back to a team-mate and lunged forward in Tony’s direction. Tony turned himself sideways and braced himself for the impact. His opponent’s body skimmed past Tony, but Tony leant into him to steady himself and overcompensated. He fell backwards dropping his hockey stick, unable to keep his balance. The away captain’s team-mate passed the ball straight back to just in front of where Tony was now laying. The massive frame of his opponent stepped over Tony and started his charge towards the home team’s goal.
Uwe picked up the mantle and ran in fast to tackle the man mountain, but his opponent ploughed straight through knocking Uwe to the ground with ease.
The team watched on as the away captain belted the ball into goal. The whistle blew and the away team returned to their half. Tony got back to his feet and rubbed his back. He bent over and grabbed his hockey stick from the ground.
“Good effort,” he shouted across to Uwe. He then looked at Hugh in goal, “come on Hugh, try and show a little fight.”
Hugh nodded apologetically and retrieved the ball from the goal before throwing it back up the pitch. Tony took the ball and wandered back the centre of the field.
“Back for more are you, pretty boy?” his opponent taunted.
“Going back for more is something that I assume you’re pretty familiar with too,” Tony said, mocking his foe. “Though I have to say that you’re pretty fast on your feet for a fat boy,” he said nursing his back.
“I’m not fat, I’m big boned,” came the angry reply.
Tony smirked, “Yes, of course. I’d like to see the x-ray of your massive bones. Perhaps after we thrash you today, you could show them to me.”
The away team captain’s face coloured and he took a few steps backwards.
The umpire sounded the whistle again and Tony ran forward with the ball. No sooner had he taken ten steps into the away team’s half when he was hit from either side by two massive bodies. Winded, he fell to the ground again and gasped for air. As he lay there he heard the thunder of feet on the ground, the clatter of hockey sticks and then finally a cheer from unfamiliar voices. He let his head rest on the icy ground for a moment as he tried to regain his breath.
The half time whistle blew and Tony and the team made their way towards their goal. They huddled together and began to talk tactics.
Ben came across and joined the congregation. “You’re down, but not out yet, boys,” he said trying to raise their spirits. “Here, have a hot drink to warm you up.” He began to hand out steaming drinks to the team. They took the drinks and cupped their hands around them to warm themselves. Tony looked across and saw Louise waiting on the side lines; he smiled at her and walked across to where she was standing.
“Tough game today,” she said.
Tony nodded despondently. “They seem really determined to win. Someone probably promised them a cake each if they do win today.” He laughed half-heartedly.
“Perhaps you need something similar to motivate you Tony,” Louise said flirtatiously.
Tony, seizing his opportunity, spoke up, “Like, a date with you?”
“Tony, you know I can’t date the students here.”
“Is that actually a rule? That you can’t date the students here … who are all homosexuals?” he said. “Did someone actually write that rule down and make you sign it?”
“Yes, that’s the contract that I signed,” she explained. “I guess when they wrote it they didn’t think that the facilities manager wouldn’t be a man.”
“So, where is this actually going then between us, Louise?”
“I just don’t know, Tony.”
“You obviously like me or you wouldn’t have come to the night club the other week and you wouldn’t keep asking me to help you search for the Phantom,” he explained with frustration.
“I know, I know. I really do feel something for you, Tony, but it’s complicated.”
“I’m tired of all this pussy footing around. I like you Louise, it’s as simple as that. And something has to happen between us. So if we win the game today, then you and I get to go on a date at the weekend. What about that?”
Louise looked conspiratorially over her shoulders, then smiled. “Well, I guess the contract assumed that that facilities manager would be a man. And I also think it only applies to the usual gay students, rather than special cases like you. Also, I’m sure that it’s in my role here to encourage success, so if this helps the team to perform, then …”
Tony leant in, willing her to say the words, “then?”
She smiled, “then … yes I suppose it wouldn’t be breaking the rules and we can have that date.”
Tony grinned from ear to ear, “Right, that’s a binding contract as far as I am concerned. You can’t go back on it.”
She brushed the hair from her face. “You still have to win the game though, Tony,” she said, reiterating the conditions.
“Hey, don’t you worry about that,” Tony said, as he turned and ran back to join his team-mates.
Uwe turned to see Tony coming back, “Have you finished your important business now?” his words oozing with sarcasm.
Tony ignored this, “Right, here’s the situation. We’re losing against these porkers, but not so much that we can’t pull this back. Now, I’ve just been speaking to Louise and she has said if we win this game then she’ll go on a date with me. And you all know how much I’m dying to bury my bone in her lady garden don’t you?”
They all pulled faces of disgust at the very thought of this.
“Don’t you?” Tony repeated pointing his finger in their faces.
“Yes, Tony!” came their response.
“Good,” he gave them a moment to think about this. “So I want one hundred percent from each and every one of you sods today. No excuses! If we don’t win today, and I don’t get my chance with Louise, then there will be merry bleeding hell to pay. Got it?”
“What’s your plan then?” Bruce asked. “They just keep steamrolling us.”
Tony thought this over, “Sssh! Give me a moment to come up with something.”
They all fell silent whilst they waited for him to devise a plan and they didn’t have long to wait.
“I’ve got it,” he said raising his finger in the air like an exclamation mark. “They might be bigger than us, but we’re faster. We’ve got to wear them out. We need to get the ball and pass it round, we’ve got to make them move and keep them moving.”
Uwe rubbed his hands together, “That’s brilliant! There’s only so long that they’re going to be able to drag
those massive carcasses around the pitch.
“Exactly!” Tony exclaimed. “So, let’s get out there and get those chubbies chasing us.”
The group cheered and followed Tony, whooping and whistling, as he led them up the pitch to let the teams swap ends.
As they trotted past Louise, Tony winked and shouted over to her, “you’d better start thinking about what you’re going to wear this weekend.”
The whistle blew and Tony waited for the away captain to charge at him. When he was almost upon him, Tony flicked the ball back to Uwe and darted out of his opponent’s path. Uwe stopped the ball with the side of his stick and waited. He listened to the sound of thunderous feet as the away team stampeded forward into the home side’s half. Two of the away team stomped forward at speed towards Uwe and at the last moment he passed the ball to Paul, who was several metres behind him. The away team continued to push forward chasing the ball, as Tony and his team passed it back and forth between themselves.
Steam began to rise in the winter air, as the away team perspired and expelled more and more of their exhausted breath.
“It’s working,” Tony said, as he ran past Bruce.
They stood and watched as their opponent’s red portly faces began to tire. Repeatedly, they ran up and down the pitch, trying with all their might to seize control of the ball, but every time they got within reach it would be knocked away from under their noses by Team Queens.
“To me!” Tony shouted, and within moments the ball was passed to him.
“He’s mine!” bellowed the away captain, before charging directly towards Tony.
Like a game of chicken, Tony waited, bringing his enemy closer and closer to him. The away team captain, puffing and panting, raised his hockey stick and swung for the ball. Seizing the moment, Tony knocked the ball through his adversary’s legs and took a rapid side step. He felt the warmth from the attacker’s body as it skimmed past him, Tony span on his axis and planted his elbow firmly in the centre of his opponent’s fleshy back. The blow was timed perfectly and the away team captain lost his balance and crashed face down onto the cold hard field. Tony, knowing that he didn’t have time to enjoy this small victory, took the ball and dribbled it up the pitch.
The away team-members, in a state of near exhaustion, gave chase, but Tony shot like a bullet towards the goal. Before the goalie had any real time to react, Tony had launched the ball towards the goal. His aim was perfect and the ball whizzed between the goalie’s legs and hit the back of the net.
“Woo hoo!” Tony cheered, raising his stick above his head in celebration.
Team Queens totally dominated the second half of the game, their plan was working like a dream. Uwe planted the ball firmly in the goal to equalise, and the whistle blew. Tony and the away captain took their places at the centre of the pitch, whilst they waited for the umpire to blow his whistle again to restart play.
“Six-all, big boy,” Tony said, as he stared into his challenger’s eyes.
“You’ve not won yet,” he panted, “and you won’t have enough time to score. This is going to penalty flicks, so there will be no chasing. We’ll be on even ground again.”
Tony looked at the umpire. “How much longer have we got?”
“Three minutes,” the umpire replied, and blew the whistle.
The away captain passed the ball back to one of his team mates directly behind him. He then shouted, “Take your positions, now!”
The away team, using the last of their energy, ran towards the ball and began to huddle around it forming an impenetrable wall of fatty flesh.
“Go!” screamed Tony.
The home team charged towards them and reached into the herd with their sticks trying, unsuccessfully, to hook the ball out.
Tony let out a gasp of anguish as the final whistle blew. “Shit! Shit! Shit! What the frith are we going to do?”
“We’ll be going to a penalty shoot out,” shouted the umpire. “You’ve got ten minutes to prepare.”
Tony and the team walked towards their goal to discuss their tactics and to decide the order of penalties. As he walked back towards the goal he looked over at Louise, “You may have a free slot coming up in your diary this weekend,” he called with disappointment.
Louise’s shoulders fell.
“Right, how are we going to decide the order then?” Bruce asked.
As they began to discuss the order in which to take their penalty shots, Louise took out her mobile phone and made a call. Suddenly, she smiled, replaced the phone into her handbag and ran like the clappers across the field and out of the school grounds.
The umpire blew his whistle again and the teams made their way back onto the pitch. Tony placed the ball on the penalty spot and took some deep breaths. The goalie took position, his massive body taking up majority of the goal mouth. He watched as Tony took aim. Tony focused, made a wish, and stepped into the flick. The ball was lifted soundlessly, both teams watched with baited breath as it sailed towards the goal. The goalie moved to the left and raised his hand, he caught the ball with the tips of his fingers and sent it rolling over the top of the goal.
The away team let out a cheer and their captain made his way to take his flick.
“Look at the size of that thing,” Hugh said in awe.
“Cut the chatter and prepare yourself,” Tony ordered.
Hugh gulped, “I have a bad feeling about this.”
The umpire blew his whistle and the massive nemesis stepped into his flick. The ball left the ground and flew towards the goal. Hugh dived at the ball, but reacted too late. The ball made it quickly into the back of the net.
“One-nil,” screamed the away team captain, as he pointed at Tony.
“Oh frith,” Tony muttered in despair. “Bruce, you’re next. Don’t balls this up!”
Bruce took his position, “No pressure then?” He shook his arms and hopped on the spot as he mentally prepared himself.
“Stop time wasting,” the goalie called.
Bruce picked up his hockey stick and prepared to take his shot. Just as he was about to swing a tinny melody began to play out.
“What the hell is that?” Tony called looking around for the source.
As the noise got louder the teams turned to see an ice-cream van turning into the car park next to the playing field. The tune got louder and louder as the van approached the field. The vehicle pulled up and there was a moment’s delay before the serving window slid open. Louise leant out of the window and made an announcement.
“Free ice-cream for all hockey players!” she bellowed at the top of her voice. “But this is a limited offer, I’m only here for the next few minutes. So hurry, hurry, hurry!”
The weight watchers team began to twitch.
“Get your delicious, mouth watering, creamy, creamy ice-creams now!” she called out to the players.
“Guys, stay focused and remember your weight watchers points,” their team captain called, realising he now had a new battle on his hands.
The away team ignored their captain and entered into a frantic discussion. Team Queens watched as they started to perform calculations using their fingers.
“If I skip lunch and dinner, then I could have a couple of ice-creams,” one of them said.
“Well, that doesn’t take into account how many calories we’ve burnt in this game,” another said.
“You’re right. So, how many points does that give us?”
“Focus! Focus!” cried their captain in exasperation. “Please!” he begged. He listened to Louise shouting and his mouth began to salivate. Using all of his self restraint he shouted at his team, “Come on guys, stay strong. A moment on the lips a lifetime on the hips.”
Tony laughed, “Oh my god! She’s a genius.”
Uwe scratched his head. “Where on earth did she find an ice-cream van in the middle of winter?” he said with puzzlement.
“Hey, who cares?” Keenan squealed. “Let’s just finish this.”
Bruce nodded. �
�Ready?” he called. He took aim and launched the ball straight past the distracted goalie and into the back of the net. “I got him, I got him!”
“Alright Bruce, don’t get cocky.”
“One-all,” the umpire declared.
Tony turned to face Hugh. “You can do this, we believe in you.”
One of the away team took his position. He placed the ball on the spot and took aim, but before he could swing Louise rang out the ice-cream van music once again. As the hockey stick began to lift the ball, the away team player looked up. His stick made contact with the ball, but it jolted and curved, missing the goal by a long way. The home team let out a cheer.
Uwe quickly picked up the ball and took his position in front of the away team goal mouth. The goalie steeled himself for the shot, and Uwe raised his stick. He held it aloft waiting for his moment.
Louise leant out of the window again and shouted, “right! If no one comes to get their delicious free ice-cream in the next ten seconds, I’m leaving.”
The goalie looked over at Louise, “Oh, screw this!” He removed his gloves and threw them onto the floor then began to waddle across to the ice-cream van.
“That’s it. Come on over, don’t be shy!” Louise called.
Several of the away team also left the pitch and ran after their goalie, with a new found energy towards the ice-cream van.
“No, come back! It’s a trick,” screamed the away team captain, but it fell on deaf ears.
“Yahoo! Tony cheered. He looked over at Uwe, “You’re all clear kid, now’s let’s blow this thing and go home!”
Uwe flicked the ball with the grace of an eel and the ball glided through the air and found its target with absolute precision. He bowed to the umpire, “you may make your announcement now.”
The whistle blew to signify the game was over and Team Queens rushed towards Uwe and lifted him up onto their shoulders. As they sang and carried Uwe back towards the changing rooms, Tony turned towards the ice-cream van. He watched Louise handing out ice-creams in the freezing cold to their opponents. He waved to her and smiled and she returned his smile coyly.
Future Queens of England Page 27