by S. J. Blaze
He makes eye contact and holds it. I don’t know what he is expecting, so I do nothing but stare back trying to get a read on things. He is stone-faced giving me nothing. I notice the darkness under his eyes. He also looks as though he’s lost some weight and his hair is longer than usual.
He’s wearing a sweater with a polo underneath and jeans. Not exactly office attire, even for late March.
He leans forward and kisses my brow, lingering there for slightly too long, and then shuts the door. I watch him quietly walk away, his hands in his pocket, head down. That’s when the pregnancy hormones check in and I can’t stop myself from tearing up. I shouldn’t miss him. I sure as hell don’t want to miss him.
Later that night, as I’m mulling over my next course of action, I hear a soft knock on the door. I peep through the little peek hole and see a distorted Coen. I carefully open the door a tiny bit and peer at him.
“Open the door, love. We have some things to discuss.” I know he’s right. I know all of this is unavoidable and that I’m the one in the wrong so I take a few steps back and watch as my ex-husband walks through my door. His hands are full of bags, so he pushes the door open with his shoulder and then closes it with his elbow. I’m still rooted on the spot. What do I do?
“Nice place, love, although I prefer our home.” He takes a second to look around then leans forward and smooches my forehead. He proceeds to the dining room table and drops all of his bags unloading some food and smiles back at me when he sees that I’m watching.
“Come on. We have a lot of ground to cover tonight. I brought some food. I have to keep my girls happy.” Still staring blankly at him, he comes over and interlocks our fingers with one hand while the other cradles my face. “Hi.”
I know this is my cue for a reply, but I can’t speak. I feel my face tightening and my muscles locking down, perhaps readying for a fight. Has he forgotten the last month and how he hurt me? Am I supposed to play the part of the jilted lover reunited now? That can’t happen. I don’t trust him anymore.
His thumb strokes my cheek while I zone in on his eyes. I hate missing this man. He has proven how little he thinks of me time and time again and I fall for it. I try not to notice the sparkling happiness coming from him. The way he’s smiling at me, like I am still his world. He lied. I was never anything to him.
I bite my lip and look away. This is all too much. Too intense. “My greys, love. Give them to me.”
“No.” That didn’t come out as forceful as I’d meant it to.
“Jesus, if I thought you were breathtaking before, that’s nothing compared to how spectacular you look now. Carrying my daughter, Charlie. There has never been a more perfect sight.” He tries to catch my eyes but I continue looking away. He leans down pressing his lips to my ear. “I told you it was too late for us. Destiny demands her way. Our lives are interwoven, we’ll always be together. Always, love.”
“No,” I cry out and try to shove him away from me. He’s too close. He doesn’t budge an inch. “No! You’re wrong. You have to be wrong. You would have never hurt me otherwise. I don’t believe you or anything you say.” I try to hold the tears at bay but my chin trembles and he, of course, notices.
“Let it out, Charlie. It’s okay, I deserve this. I know I hurt you, love. And you have to know how fucking sorry I am. I am exceedingly and irrevocably sorry. Please, I’ll spend the rest of my life and beyond making it up to you. Anything. I’ll do anything. We can take things as slow as you want. We can seek counseling...anything. Please!”
“No. Go away and leave me alone. I hate you. I hate you!” I punch him repeatedly in the chest. I hate him for making me love him. Making me marry him. Making me give up all the things I loved to be with him, and then losing it all. I nearly lost everything. Nothing will ever be the same. He changed me.
I can’t stop screaming and punching and crying, and I can’t see or think. I’m a big tornado plowing through this man trying to get him to move away from me. But his arms band me to him and we fall to the ground in a tangled mess. My face feels red hot and I can’t stop the tears, which brings on the snot. He still won’t let go and keeps cooing in my ear to let it out. Let what out…I’m trapped. I’m here and he’s right, I will be tied to him forever, now.
I cry and cry. Fucking pregnancy hormones on top of my miserable heart breaking. I barely realize that I’m on his lap straddling him when his warm hands glide up and down my back. He’s pressed so tightly to me that I can feel his heart beating as frantic as my own. My head is on his shoulder, and I have no remorse in rubbing my snot-filled nose against his cashmere Henley. Take that, shirt! I can’t beat up Coen, but I can take down the shirt. Score one, Charlie. The tears finally dry up but the snot and hiccups continue. I don’t move. I’m not sure where to go from here. I suddenly feel so tired and my heavy eyes close. All that fighting and emotion knocked me on my ass.
Coen’s hand glides up my back and cups my neck through my hair. “I love you, Charlie, and I already love our daughter. She’s perfect isn’t she?” I nod into his neck, murmuring my agreement. “Have you eaten dinner?”
“I was just about to start.” I hiccup some more. With each movement my nipples scratch up against his chest. I forgot, I’m not wearing a bra. My boobs have swollen and feel rather tender, so the quicker these puppies are free the better. I chose a thin black tank and a pair of Bullet’s stolen boxers with little yellow ducks on it for bed. But now, next to Coen, in his arms, I feel too exposed. He brushes his rough scruffy chin against my bare shoulder.
“I brought dinner for my girls.”
“I’m not hungry,” I lie. Maybe he’ll leave. The truth is, I’m always hungry now. My stomach rumbles to embarrass me further.
“Maybe you’re not, but our little girl needs to eat.”
“Can’t move.” I sigh. Even my head feels too heavy, weighed down with all the shit thoughts that Coen shoved in there.
He chuckles and lifts me up, cradling me to him. “I’ll take care of both of you.”
He kisses my brow and walks us to the table. Sitting down with me still in his lap he grabs a few bagfuls of food. The smell that permeates the air is heavenly and I think my little mini takes notice because the growling gets louder.
He chuckles. “That’s it my little Charlie Jr., tell mommy that she needs to feed you.” I tilt my head and pinch my face at him. Charlie Jr.? No way!
“You’ve got to be more creative than that. Charlie Jr. is soo not going to happen.” He laughs as he grabs a container filled with salad and pours the dressing over it. He gets a forkful and places it to my lips. I quirk a brow and tighten my lips. What is this man doing?
“Please, love. The doctor said you needed more iron. It’s a spinach salad.” His face is pleading, although he’s still smiling sweetly. I hate him.
“I can feed myself.” I reach for the fork but he pulls it out of my reach.
“I know. Please, let me take care of you. Besides its good practice for when…cupcake gets here?”
“Cupcake?” I shake my head closing my eyes in shame.
“How about I leave you to the nicknames and I’ll focus on keeping you both healthy and loved, okay?”
“You’ve got the nickname part right.”
“Charlie,” he says warmly. He places the fork on the container and slides his hand under my shirt rubbing back and forth across my baby bump. “This is mine, love. No matter what irrational thoughts mull around that gorgeous head of yours, even you can’t deny me this. I need this. I need her. I need to know that although I failed my wife, I won’t fail my daughter. If this is the only connection I get, to touch her this way, to feed you both, you need to give that to me. And with that, I’ll work on fixing what I fucked up. I’ll bring our family together, love. This baby….our daughter…was made with love.”
I start to fidget, as I want to get off his lap. “No, I know you know it’s true. We love each other! She’s a perfect example of how true love manifests even in the darkest
of times.” He shakes his head. “I won’t let either of you go. Never, love. Maybe you don’t wear my rings but I’ve already branded the ring around your heart.” He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. I want tonight to be over. “You’re both mine. It’s my job to take care of you and I’ll do exactly that. If I have to fight you every step of the way, that’s what will happen. But I won’t lose either of you.”
He kisses my head and picks up the fork to feed me. I’m now physically and emotionally drained. I don’t know if I can beat him. A strong fighter knows when she can’t win and she taps out. I wish I could do the same.
He feeds me the entire salad and a baked chicken breast. He brought some fruit for dessert but I’m too full and sleepy to eat. He puts me down on the couch and cleans up after dinner, then he brings me the rest of the bags. Inside, I find several baby books. He pulls one out of my hands.
“That one’s for me. It’s for expecting fathers. I want to learn everything so I can take better care of you both.”
I’m studying a stuffed pink giraffe when he adds, “Charlie, I was wondering if you’ve thought about where we’re going to live once she’s born.”
“What do you mean?” I throw the books and stuffed giraffe on the coffee table and dig deeper into the couch, resting my head on the back and closing my eyes to focus on Coen’s voice.
“A baby needs lots of things; strollers, swings, highchairs. This place isn’t very big. Is it yours?” I shake my head. I didn’t buy it, and I moved all of my belongings into storage.
“What about coming home, to our place? There’s plenty of room.”
My head snaps and my brow quirks up. I glare at him. Is this man for real? “NO!”
“Okay, love. How about we table this discussion for a bit? But you’re what, eighteen weeks along? We’ll need to make a decision soon.”
“I’m nineteen weeks.” My eyes squint at him.
“Right, right. I should probably know that. See what I mean, I need to do a better job at taking care of you?” He exhales loudly. “You ready for bed, love?” I am. I’m excruciatingly tired.
“Yeah. this visit has taken its toll. Thank you for dinner, it was wonderful. Let me walk you out.” I stand up and walk towards the front door, when I realize that he isn’t joining me. “Coen?”
“About that. I don’t think we should sleep apart anymore.” He stands and cups my shoulders. I want to scream.
“Let me make this perfectly clear, I don’t want you to stay.” I annunciate each word while thinking calm and soothing thoughts of the nice warm bed waiting for me.
“I get that, Charlie, but I’m not about to put you or my daughter at risk. That isn’t going to happen. So, I’m staying.” He purposely enunciates every word, just as I had.
“Fine. Then goodnight! The spare room is down the hall, second door on the left. If you so much as touch my door, I’ll change my mind and have all my band mates and Malice stand watch from now on. From inside my room. You get me?”
He nods, though his lip tweaked up for a second in a half smile. He thinks he’s won. He should have figured out by now that I don’t play fair.
Chapter Forty-Three
When I wake up, I’m alone. Thank goodness. It’s Tuesday morning and I have no office to go to.
Now that Coen has found me, I feel comfortable in going to Tornadoes. I’m not allowed in the cage but I can still get a solid work out in. Dressed and ready, I head to my kitchen for some juice when I notice Coen sitting at the table waiting for me.
“Morning, love. You hitting Tornadoes today?” His feet are up on the opposite chair as he reads the morning paper and drinking coffee. He’s dressed in a tight white t-shirt with sweat pants that hang too low. Even from my view I can see that.
“Yeah, I need a workout.” I reply over my shoulder as I walk into the kitchen to grab a cup of juice. I need to take my prenatal vitamins and my extra dose of iron. He comes up behind me and wraps his arms around my stomach. “So how’s my little….” He waits for me to provide a name.
“I guess I’m still thinking on that. I think she’s okay. She certainly hasn’t told me otherwise.” I notice a brown bag on the counter and walk over peeking inside. “Yum, bagels. When did you get these?”
He smiles proudly. “I had Davis bring some things by this morning. I thought since I’m staying here, until we make other living arrangements, the least I should do is feed you.”
“Coen…” I hop up on the kitchen counter facing him. “I’m not sure about any of this. It makes me uncomfortable.” I grab a raisin bagel and start digging in. I don’t even cut it or toast it, I just rip it apart piece by piece and pop it into my mouth.
“I know this isn’t the most conventional relationship, love, but I have faith that we’ll make it work. If anything, we’ll do it for our daughter.” Coen leans against the counter spreading my legs. He watches me as he deliberately leans forward and bites my bagel. “Mmmm. So good.”
His hands are flat on the counter next to my thighs and I feel the heat blazing through him. He’s purposely teasing me, trying to ignite a response. Sadly, my body is already hardwired to his. The connection is out of control. My hormones are erratic and I shiver wildly at this man’s closeness. This is terrible. I can feel he’s hard when he presses and rubs himself against me. I whimper, unconscientiously, unable to stop the elicited sounds.
Just then there’s a knock on the door and I throw Coen aside to get to it. Oh, thank goodness. I swing the door open without even asking who it is. I find a handsome Bullet waiting on the other side. He’s wearing a black hat low on his brow and a loose tee and jeans under a black leather jacket. He smiles when I open the door.
“Good morning, baby girl. You up for some breakfast?” He steps into the room and kicks the door shut behind him. Then he wraps me up and smooches my nose. A big old sloppy kiss. I giggle like a silly teenager.
Someone clears their throat behind us and Bullet stiffens. He looks down at me. “You’ve gotta be fucking shitting me. What the absolute fuck, babe?”
“I’d appreciate it if you didn’t molest my wife and daughter.” I look back to see Coen cross his arms, his face tense with anger.
Bullet’s chin goes down and his eyebrows rise.
“Can I talk with you in private?” I squeak out and grab Bullet’s hand leading him to my room.
“Where you going, love? I thought we were going to work out?”
Ignoring Coen, I walk into my room and lock my door.
“Shooter, what the fuck?” I hush him with my hand over his mouth and motion with my head to follow me to my bathroom. We walk in and I close the door, only to turn around to see Bully leaning against the bathroom countertop. Arms crossed, he has that I’ll-kick-someone’s-ass attitude radiating everywhere.
“He showed up at my appointment yesterday out of the blue.”
“You didn’t tell him to meet you there?”
“Bull, I haven’t seen or spoken to him in over a month. I was sitting in the appointment room and he just walked in. Then, he showed up here last night. I didn’t even tell him where I lived.” I walk over and rest my head against his chest.
He rubs my back and I can almost hear him thinking. “He stayed the night?” I nod against his chest taking a moment to breathe him in. He smells like laundry, fresh air, a hint of cigarettes, and Bullet. “Did you two…um, did you fuck him?”
I freeze and take a step back. How dare he ask me that? I glare at him, my eyes narrowed to slits.
“I had to ask.” He grabs me and pulls me back into him. I listen to his breathing and relish in his warmth. “Why is he still here?”
“I think he’s trying to win me back.”
“Ya think, Charlie Brown?” Before I switched my name, Bullet decided I wasn’t just a Charlie. So, I got a plethora of Charlie’s; Charlie Brown, Charlie Chapman, I even got Charles Darwin. Bullet has a history of name changing.
“He refuses to leave. He says that my baby is his daug
hter too, and he needs to protect her or some bullshit reason.”
“You’re having a girl?” He smiles and runs his hand around my neck, cupping me gently and messaging the knots. I close my eyes and purr.
“Yeah, a girl.” I can’t help the smile that plasters itself to my face.
“She’s gonna look like you. Dear lordie, two of ya running ‘round causing trouble.” He embraces me tightly. “You happy, baby girl?”
“I think so.” I murmur, the sound barely audible with my face pressed against his solid chest.
“You know you don’t need him. The guys and I will take of you.”
I nod. “He’s her dad, Bull. What can I do? I tried to leave, you know that.”
“Best fucking month, too.”
Laughing, I slap his chest. “Seriously, what should I do?”
I glance up at him and I can see he’s taking my question to heart.
“Where’s he sleeping?”
“Down the hall, for now. He wants to buy us a house. He said she needs lots of stuff.”
“Hmm, I guess he’s right. I mean look at Harley.” Harley does have a lot of stuff; I know because I buy half of it. “You know; the band is getting some money now. We’re doing pretty well. Why don’t we all buy a place together? A big house with land.” I shake my head, as that would never work.
“Money has never been an issue, Bully, you know that.”
We eventually come up with a temporary solution. He or one of the guys will stay with me every night. During the day, I’ll play nice with Coen but at night he won’t get a chance to make a move. This will work for the interim, but a real solution needs to be made and soon.
We finally leave the bedroom to find an angrily flushed looking Coen. He’s not happy with me. Bullet excuses himself to smoke and I sit down with Coen on the couch. I tell him about the guys staying with me at night and he’s livid. That’s his child, I’m his wife, etc. etc.