Away

  I woke up a couple of hours later not remembering saying goodbye to him; I must have been out cold.

  I headed back upstairs after making his bed look like a girl just made it, and noticed no one in the kitchen when I quietly opened the door. That would be one less awkward thing to explain to Trish or Bart if they were home.

  As I took off Jason’s shirt in the bathroom, I couldn’t help but sniff it one more time before setting it on the counter as I stepped into the steamy shower.

  For once, I felt a moment of relaxation as I realized I didn’t think about anything in the shower. I didn’t spend an obscene amount of time contemplating life. I actually just showered, nothing more. I was proud of myself.

  After putting on clean clothes and towel drying my hair, I made my way down the hall.

  “Good morning Sweetie,” I heard Trish’s voice as I came into the kitchen. She was making herself a cup of coffee.

  “Good morning,” I replied. “You don’t work today?”

  “No, I have the weekends off. Do you have plans today?” she asked.

  I walked over to the coffee pot grabbing a cup to fill up. “No plans today,” I answered.

  “Cassandra, Sweetie, what are you doing?” The look on her face was cause for alarm.

  “What do you mean?”

  “You shouldn’t be drinking coffee; the caffeine isn’t good for the baby, Sweetie.”

  I looked down at my stomach and shook my head. “Thanks, just one more thing I can’t have or do,” I grumbled to the damn seed.

  I heard a giggle out of Trish. “Isn’t it wonderful talking to your baby?”

  I looked up at her and huffed. “Trish, I’m not talking to my baby. I’m yelling at this seed growing inside of me.”

  “You are about seven weeks now Sweetie. It’s bigger now, about the size of a blueberry. It’s growing hands and feet now,” she continued to gush.

  I didn’t respond. I didn’t know how. I took my cup of coffee that I shouldn’t be drinking and sat at the table putting my head in my hands.

  “Cassandra, something is bothering you. I can tell.” Trish said quietly as she walked over to the table taking a seat next to me. “I know this was unplanned, but I really thought you wanted this baby. I thought that’s why you were so concerned at the hospital.”

  “I don’t know what I want, but being a mother right now isn’t it. I’m not ready. Can’t you see, I didn’t even care or think about the damages coffee would cause the ‘blueberry’? I’m horrible.”

  I felt her hand on my back, rubbing it gently. “You’re not horrible honey. You’re young. There’s a big difference. Every new mom has to start somewhere.”

  “Trish, what if I don’t want to start anywhere?”

  She looked at me with sad eyes. “Have you talked to anyone about your options?”

  I shook my head no. “That is where I was headed when I got lost and crashed. I was going to see my friend, she was going to help me through it, decide what to do.”

  She put both of my hands in hers. “Is there anything I can tell you? Do you feel like you can talk to me?”

  I let out a sigh. “Trish, I feel like you are the only one I can talk to aside from my friend.”

  “Come here. Let’s go talk on the couch.”

  We both took a seat on the sofa next to one another. I looked down at my hands, my stomach feeling like it was in shreds as this was the first time I had discussed options with anyone. “I’m scared Trish,” I said quietly with my eyes closed.

  I felt her hand on my back. “I can only imagine, Sweetie,” she said softly.

  “I’ve thought of my only two options, abortion, and adoption. I’ve read online about things, but not much. I get a pit in my stomach the more I read, the more I realize how sad both options are.”

  I opened my eyes and looked over at her. “There is no easy option here, unfortunately you need to do what you think is best for you. As a mom who miscarried at one point in her life, I can’t even tell you how much my heart was set on a baby and how hard it was to lose it.” She stopped and took a breather. I had already known about this from Jason, but I wanted to listen to what she had to say. “It was horrible, because we had tried to conceive for about a year. When I finally got pregnant, I had told a lot of people, my mom included. She couldn’t contain the excitement long enough to start making things for the baby. Then not too long after that I had an obscene amount of blood on the bed when I was suddenly woken up by terrible cramps in the middle of the night.” I leaned my hand over for her to take. She has been here for me, and I wanted to do the same for her. She grabbed a hold of it tightly.

  “Bart and I went to the hospital, but I already knew. I could feel it inside that I lost the baby. It was hard not to think horrible thoughts like that when you had that much bright red blood coming out of you when you knew you weren’t supposed to. It was confirmed and I sat quiet and depressed for some time. I thought that perhaps my childbearing days were over. It took us so long to get pregnant again that the worst thoughts come to mind. I started to focus on the next step. I wanted another child. I knew in my heart that I wanted another child to call me mom, to raise and love, just like my first.” She paused long enough to wipe the sadness from her eyes.

  “I looked into adoption. There are so many parents, like Bart and me, that knew in our hearts we wanted nothing more than to be a big family with kids. I was looking for a back-up plan in case we couldn’t get pregnant again. Cassandra, Sweetheart, there are so many kids that need loving families just as badly as parents need kids to call their own. If I can give you honest advice, it’s to give this ‘blueberry’ inside of you the best home you can until you deliver. It won’t be easy. It will probably be the hardest moment of your life handing that baby that just spent nine months of its life growing inside of you to another set of parents. Those parents though Sweetie, they want nothing more than to raise a wonderful baby of their own. If you don’t want this baby, if you are not ready to be a mom yet, then that’s fine, but don’t let this baby not be a gift to someone else. There is a family out there that will love it unconditionally and this baby deserves that. Just like you deserve to be loved unconditionally by your parents.”

  I wiped away the tears that fell, smearing them across my cheek, not able to keep up with the outpour. “Jesus, you must think I’m awful.”

  “No, not at all. I think you’re in a tough spot and that you have a hard decision to make.”

  I let out a sigh not even knowing what to say. Trish just made my decision twenty times harder.

  “I’m not trying to sway you either way. I’m just giving you some insight from a parent who wanted so badly to have a baby, and would have wanted to adopt a sweet baby like yours if it came to it. I also know there are plenty of other parents out there like that too. I can go with you to see a doctor if you want someone there with you.”

  “Trish, you just made this so much more confusing, I really thought abortion was my best option, but now it seems like the exact opposite of what I need to do.”

  I felt her hand on my back again rubbing it gently. “I’m sorry Sweetie. I didn’t mean to make it harder for you.”

  “It’s not a bad thing; it’s a parent thing, and you have no clue how wonderful it is to have that. To have a parent give you advice and not just tell you what you have to do.” I was still more confused than ever, but my thoughts were becoming a little clearer after talking with Trish.

  “Nothing in life is ever easy, Cassandra. It only gets harder the older you get,” she said. I believed every word too.

  “So what happened after your miscarriage if you don’t mind me asking?”

  “Of course I don’t mind. Well, after about seven months of trying, but not really trying. I was focusing myself on other things. Not really obsessing over getting pregnant as my doctor told me to do, we just got pregnant. It was the most exciting moments to look down at the results on the test. I was relieved and told myself to learn to relax a
little and things will work out, and they did. That was how we had Jason, he’s my little baby,” she gushed. I couldn’t help but smile with her. I also needed to take note of her advice about relaxing more.

  As much as I wanted to ask about her other son, I remembered Jason had told me that they don’t talk much about him, and so I decided to keep my questions to myself.

  “I really have to stop calling him my baby though, the boy is more of an adult than most kids I see these days.”

  I couldn’t help but think of the irony. My parents would never be caught dead calling me their little baby, yet they treated me like I was still a child.

  “He’s a good guy,” I told her.

  “He really is.” She took in a deep breath. “Well, Cassandra, I was going to run out to the farm to take Bart and the guys some lunch. Would you like to join me?”

  “I’m actually feeling a little nauseous this morning. As much as I would love to join you, I think I better just stay in today and rest a little,” I told her, saddened that I had to forgo joining her, as I really did like spending time with Trish.

  “I understand Sweetie,” she said. “Don’t forget, crackers and ginger ale, they will soon become your best friend.”

  “I’m slowly learning that,” I told her, and with that, Trish and I went our separate ways, I to my room to rest and Trish to the farm.

  I grabbed my phone from the dresser and saw two missed calls from Mel. Shit. I quickly hit the button to dial her back, her panicked voice answered.

  “Cassandra, seriously, you better be okay. Neither you or Jason are answering your phones,” she said before lowering her voice an octave. “Unless of course, you were busy.”

  I couldn’t help but laugh.

  “Oh my gosh, spill girl.”

  “It wasn’t like that, or maybe it was, I don’t know Mel, I’m scared, but I’m happy.”

  “I need details, who kissed who first?”

  I took a deep breath. “We went to a bar last night, it was actually really fun. We had a moment on the dance floor Mel, we were so close to kissing, but then we got interrupted by his friend.”

  “Damn friend,” Mel interrupted me.

  I continued with my story only to relive the night of his ex, Anna, and Jeff.

  “Oh hell no, did you smack him like I showed you, a hand to the face and a knee to his manhood?”

  I told her how Jason showed his protective side, and took care of Jeff before I even had the chance to use her move.

  “Holy shit. I miss all the good stuff,” she said. “Are you okay?”

  “I’m okay, I was just shaken up. After that, we got the hell out of that place. Although, Jason, he…” I said, my voice trailing off as I thought about what happened next. “Mel he knows. He knows that I’m pregnant. He told me in the parking lot.”

  I heard a gasp on her end of the phone as I told her how I found out he knew and then about our talk back at their farm.

  “And he didn’t run away, did he? I know I’m right, but go ahead and tell me anyway.”

  She was too good. “No, he didn’t. He told me how he would be there for me and that he wanted so badly to kiss me.”

  “And then you kissed?”

  “No,” I replied, telling her how it happened as I closed my eyes, remembering the feel of his soft lips pressed onto mine.

  “Was it a movie moment?”

  “You have no idea Mel. It was like my first real kiss from a guy who actually wanted me. The sparks, the fire, the butterflies, it was all there. I can’t even describe how amazing it felt.”

  “I told you he wouldn’t run when he found out. He’s too good of a guy, Cass. I understand why you think it’s bad timing, but he’s right you know. You can’t wait until your life is ready for someone, you don’t get to choose when the right person gets to walk into your life.”

  “I woke up in his arms this morning and never felt more relaxed or happy in my life.”

  “Did you, uh… ya know?”

  “No.” I shook my head as if she could see it through the phone. I reflected on that moment for a second before telling her why we didn’t take it further. I also couldn’t help but try and blame the frisky behavior on my hormones even though deep down I knew it was more than that.

  “You can blame the hormones all you want, but my guess is it’s just that you really like this guy.”

  “Well you’re filled in now. I don’t know what’s going to happen next though. I’ll keep you posted,” I said.

  “As if you have a choice. You okay otherwise?” she asked.

  “Yeah for the most part,” I replied, feeling an overwhelming sadness, I missed her so much. I was closer to her than before, but still so far away.

  “Alright, I better get back to class, call me soon. Love you.”

  “Love you too,” I replied and ended the call.

  I spent the afternoon thinking, only making myself more confused. I thought about what I wanted to do, what Trish told me, and then about my conversation with Mel. My brain was exhausted. I decided it was time for a break. I took out a book that I had stashed in my purse and began to read it. It was a contemporary romance novel by one of my favorite authors. I had read it at least twenty times and it still never got old. It always brought me comfort when I read it. I was lost in a story where I wasn’t the main character, where I didn’t have near as much to lose as this couple in love did. I only made it about half way until I fell asleep only to wake up with the book still open, lying flat on my chest. It reminded me of when I was a little girl and I would fall asleep reading on my bed at night, of course only to get yelled at by my parents for staying up too late reading what they liked to call garbage. If it wasn’t a textbook, it wasn’t worth my time in their minds. I shook my head and stretched before getting up and straightening out my hair.

  “How was the farm?” I asked Trish as I made my way to the kitchen.

  “It was good, hot though. Those boys worked up a sweat today. How was your afternoon? Did you rest any?”

  “I did. It was definitely needed.”

  “Jason should be home in about an hour, I’m just getting ready to start making dinner.”

  “Can I help with anything?”

  “Oh no, why don’t you go relax outside, get some fresh air,” she said.

  “Okay, if you insist.”

  The warm air felt nice on my skin as a slight breeze kept it from being overly hot. I took a seat on the swing that was on the porch and rocked myself back and forth, enjoying the moment. Jason was wearing off on me more and more each day. It had been a long time since I was able to sit anywhere, let alone on a porch swing doing absolutely nothing. It felt wonderful.

  I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT it was but when I saw his truck pull onto the gravel drive, my stomach suddenly did more flips than a gymnastics routine. I was overly excited to see him tonight and the butterflies were in full force. He didn’t get out of the truck right away; he sat in it for a few moments before finally stepping out. His normal little kid in a candy store smile was replaced by one I hadn’t seen on him before, it was indifferent, expressionless. I tilted my head to look at him, trying to study what was different about him tonight. He slowly walked up to the swing and took the open seat next to me, only it felt like a mile away as he sat as close to the other end as possible.

  “Hey Jase,” I said to him.

  “Hey,” he muttered, shifting in his seat. Something was off, something wasn’t right. I could feel the flips in my stomach being replaced with knots. I knew it was only a matter of time before he sat long enough in his own thoughts that he would finally realize I was a girl who had more problems than he wanted.

  “How was work?” I asked, trying to get something out of him.

  He ran his hand through his tousled hair. “It was fine,” he said quietly, keeping his eyes in front of him.

  The minute his mouth let out the word “fine” my heart sank. He and I both knew how much that word meant the opposite of what it was. H
e was definitely not fine. I could feel my pulse start to race the longer we sat in silence. I scared him; he had time to think today and I knew it was me that he was having a hard time with. I guess I was the one percent that had the pre-planned conversation in her head actually end the way I thought it would.

  “How was your day?” he asked, finally looking over in my direction but giving me the worst excuse for a smile that he could.

  “It was fine,” I replied. It seemed as if we weren’t even friends, let alone two people who had kissed. We felt like strangers.

  He let out a long breath as he grabbed the back of his neck and began rubbing it. “Cassandra,” he began to say until Trish interrupted.

  “Guys, time to eat,” she said in her normal cheery voice.

  I felt relief that she came out when she did. I wasn’t sure if I could have handled what Jason was about to say. I got up from the swing with Jason behind me and walked inside to the kitchen. I was beginning to love the smell of home cooked meals all too much.

  “Smells wonderful you guys.” I tried to put on a happy face in front of Trish and Bart. They were doing me such a big favor by letting me stay here. They didn’t need to get involved in the problem that was clearly between Jason and me, one that after last night I honestly didn’t see coming.

  “Thank you, it’s one of our favorites,” Trish said.

  From the looks of what was cooked and from the scent traveling under my nose, tonight we were having lasagna. We all grabbed platters of food and sat them down on the table that was set with forks and plates. Jason sat next to me but not once did he even call me Sweetheart, let alone act as though we just spent the night together. Dinner felt awkward between us. I only hoped it didn’t feel that way for Bart or Trish. My heart was hurting, badly. I was feeling embarrassed and my mind was laced with confusion. He interacted with his parents the same as usual but he was completely different toward me tonight. I tried my best to eat the meal that was cooked, it was delicious but the nausea hit and this time it wasn’t because I was pregnant.