by Carian Cole
I need to get away from him, but I am trapped, my legs around his waist, my jeans around my ankles.
He wraps his arms around me and holds me tightly against his chest. “Baby, don’t freak out. It’s okay. Don’t push me away again.”
“You shouldn’t have done that,” I whisper-yell at him. “Amy is right outside the door and Michael—”
“I don’t care. We both needed that.” His hand slides down my thigh. I am naked against his jeans, my legs spread right over his crotch. “I want you so much, Evie. I could fuck you right now. I don’t care who’s outside.”
I start to cry. I am not equipped for this on any level. Everything with him is sex. That’s all this is.
He quickly disentangles himself from me and helps me pull my jeans up. “Evie, don’t cry. I’m sorry. I just wanted you so much. Seeing him sitting there was making me crazy.”
I jump down from the table and fix my sweater. “So you did this? To do what? Mark some territory?”
“What? No. That’s not why. I want you. I’m trying to show you what we can have, how I can make you feel.”
“By eating me out with a hundred people on the other side of the door? Including my best friend and my boyfriend?”
He gets up in my face. “Damn fucking right. I have zero fucks to give about anything else when it comes to you, Evie. If I want you, I want you. Now. Nothing else matters to me except knowing you want me back.”
I do want him. Madly.
I can’t say it, though. I stare up at him, hoping he can see it in my eyes. His face is so full of emotion. Passion. Anger. Disappointment.
“Did you want me?” he asks, stepping closer to me.
I step back. “This again? Does everything have to come back to whether every girl in the world wants you?”
“No. It all comes back to whether you want me. You. That’s it.”
I swerve around him and head for the door. “I can’t believe you did this, Storm. You know how I feel about cheating. You told me you’d give me time to think.”
“I didn’t make you, Evie. You weren’t exactly saying no.”
“Go to hell.”
I yank open the door and Amy practically falls inside. “Let’s go.” I grab her arm and tug her down the hall. How the hell long was I in there?
“Evelyn, slow down... What the hell just happened?”
I shake my head. “Don’t ask. I just want to get out of here.”
She stops and grabs my arm, forcing me to look at her. “Oh, my God. Did you guys just screw in there?”
“Almost, but no. Please, let’s just go. Michael is going to be wondering where the hell we are.”
We make our way through the crowd of people cluttering the hallway.
“Storm looked pretty mad, Ev.”
“I don’t care. He can’t just put his hands and tongue all over me whenever the hell he wants to.”
“His tongue? Holy shit, girl, we need to talk.”
We finally make our way to the table and find Michael sitting there drinking and talking to Ivy and Lukas.
“Where have you two been? You were gone for half an hour.”
“The line was crazy,” Amy answers. “Evelyn feels sick to her stomach. I think we should go.”
Michael downs his drink in one gulp and grimaces. “Okay. What’s wrong now?” he asks me.
“Nothing, I just don’t feel well.”
“All right, we’ll get you home then. Amy, you better drive, I’ve had a few.”
She nods. As we’re putting on our coats and saying goodbye to Ivy and Lukas, I spot Storm over by the bar with Juggsy hanging on him. Now I really do feel sick to my stomach. Is he going to go home with her? With my stuff all over his face and lips? He must feel my stare because he turns and meets my gaze. Shaking his head, he grabs a shot off the bar and throws it back.
Shit. Didn’t I read he had quit drinking?
I sit in the back seat on the way home and listen to Michael go on and on about how great the band was and how epic it was to have his guitar idol sing a song dedicated to me. Amy is watching me in the rearview mirror. I think she’s afraid I’m going to jump out of the car. The thought is tempting.
I take out my cell and send a quick text to Storm.
Me: Are you drinking?
A few minutes go by.
Storm: Are you my AA sponsor now?
Me: No. I’m just worried about you. I thought you quit drinking.
Storm: I had two fn shots. I’m fine.
Me: Are you going home with that girl?
Storm: Are you going home with him?
Seriously?
Me: That’s not fair.
Storm: No shit.
Ugh!
I should have known this night would not end well. Having Michael and Storm under the same roof was just a disaster waiting to happen. Since it was Storm’s idea we all go to his show, it never even really occurred to me seeing Michael would have an effect on Storm. I knew it would bother me but, to be honest, I never really considered Storm’s feelings about it. My mind flashed back to the storage room, my ass naked on the cold table, his face between my legs. My insides flip at the memory. Why couldn’t Michael ever make me feel that way? I never got that turned on when Michael touched me. Storm practically sent me to another stratosphere.
Amy corners me as soon as Michael disappears upstairs. “Okay, chickie, come clean. What the hell happened back there?”
I flop on the couch and kick my shoes off. “He threw me on a table and ate me like I was an all you can eat buffet, that’s what.”
Amy’s draw drops. “What? Are you kidding?”
“I wish I was.”
“Then what happened? You had a fight?”
“Yeah. I got mad at him for doing it. I don’t want to be a cheater, Amy, and he knows it. But he keeps doing stuff like this to me.”
She lowers her voice and moves closer to me. “Evelyn, he’s got it so bad for you! Do you know how many women in that place would have given their first born to ride his face? And not put up a fight over it?”
I roll my eyes. “You don’t have to remind me of this. Trust me, I know. That skank was hanging on him when we left.”
“Well, you left him all hot and bothered! The fuck is wrong with you, Evelyn?”
“I do not want to be some sex toy for him. He’s just pissed that every damn girl in the world wants to fuck him and I don’t. Well, I do, but I’m not going to fall all over him and give up all my morals just to do it.”
“Evelyn, do you follow him on social media?”
“Excuse me? What are you talking about? I don’t have a twitter. I don’t have time for that. And I don’t want to see any crazy stuff he’s doing with other women.”
She takes out her cell phone, scrolls around a bit and hands it to me. There’s a status update on his official page, posted a few days ago.
“Someday, I’ll get the girl, and hopefully, she’ll get me, too.”
“What the hell does that mean?” I hand her the phone back.
“It means I don’t think he’s just trying to get laid, Ev. I think he really cares about you, but your dumb ass can’t see it.” She picks Halo up off the back of the couch and hugs him like a baby. “Seriously, Evelyn. You could be throwing away a good thing here, and I’m not talking about the drunk lump upstairs. Over twenty-eight-hundred girls liked his status and a few hundred have offered themselves up to him.”
“I can’t compete with all that. It will drive me mad.”
“I don’t think you’ll have to. He doesn’t act like he’s chasing anything with a skirt really. And women will always come on to him, but who cares? Learn to ignore it.”
“I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I’m exhausted. Do you want to sleep here instead of driving home?”
She lays Halo on the couch next to her and stands up. “No, I have a breakfast date, so I better go. Don’t ask me why I agreed to that. Who the hell wants to meet for breakfast? You be
tter get the goods on that guy Vandal for me.”
“His cousin? He didn’t look like your type at all. He looked pretty miserable, actually.”
She pulls on her coat and walks toward the door. “It’s that brooding sexiness I love.”
I pull her in for a hug. “Thanks for going tonight. It was fun except for the ‘you-know-what’ part.”
“I had a great time. He’s really talented. Next time he wants to feast on you, shut up and let him.” She kisses my cheek. “I’ll call you tomorrow and tell you how my breakfast dates goes.”
I turn off the lights and head upstairs to find Michael completely sprawled across the bed, taking up the entire thing. I swear under my breath and get undressed in the dark. I put on an over-sized t-shirt, grab my pillow, and go back downstairs to sleep on the couch. I don’t want to hear him snoring all night anyway.
About an hour after I fall asleep, I hear my phone beep, the sound jarring me. I reach for it and snag it off the coffee table. It’s a text from Storm.
Storm: I didn’t want to fight tonight. I wanted to make sure you wouldn’t forget me while I’m gone.
Me: I could never forget you
Storm: Can you call me? Now? I leave tomorrow. We didn’t say goodbye
Should I call him? Michael will never wake up now that he is asleep. I stare at my phone, debating.
I dial.
“Hey,” he says.
“Hey.”
“I don’t have a drinking problem. Just so you know. Yeah, I used to drink too much. But not now.”
“Okay. I was just worried.”
“I know.”
“Your music is amazing, Storm. I loved it. And the song... hearing you sing it. It melted me.”
“I was hoping it would. I never sing, ya know. I did that for you.”
My heart jumps a little bit. “It was really great.” I swallow and ask him what’s been on my mind since I left. “Did you have sex with her?”
I hear a faint sucking noise. He’s smoking one of his e-cigs. “A blow job.” He finally says. My heart sinks. My throat tightens. I close my eyes and trap the tears there.
“I know you’re mad, Evie. You don’t have to say anything. I’m sorry. I was mad. I wanted you, and you pushed me away. I had you for ten minutes and it was fucking heaven. So I sent myself back to the hell I’m used to. I don’t kiss her. I don’t touch her. I use her.”
“Storm, I can’t ask you not to be with other women.”
“Ask.”
“What?”
“Ask me.”
I can’t. I won’t.
“Evie, I need total honesty from you. I don’t care what it is you have to say to me, or ask me. Just don’t keep it from me. You hide so much, and you’re in so much damn denial. You gotta cut that out, okay? I will pull words out of you if I have to.”
“I don’t want you to fuck other women,” I say softly.
“Good. Now tell me why.”
“I want it to be me.”
“Oh, it will be, baby. Once you stop fighting yourself and me.” He’s quiet for a moment. “Did you want me earlier?”
Holy shit, yes. A hundred thousand times.
“Yes.”
“If there was no Michael, would you have let me make love to you on that table?”
I close my eyes, seeing him in my head, feeling his tongue inside me.
“Yes.”
I feel him smile. “Good girl. Cuz when I want you, I’m going to take you, and I want you to want it. Is that something you could give me?”
“Yes.”
“That’s something I need, Evelyn. I’m being honest here.”
“Okay. I understand.” I think.
“Where’s Michael now?”
“Upstairs asleep. I’m on the couch.”
“Are you going to think about us? Think about giving us a chance when I get back?”
“Yes. I will. I am.”
“I don’t want him fucking you anymore. Can you do that? If you avoid him, would he try to hurt you?”
“Michael? No, he would never hurt me. He’ll be mad, but he won’t hurt me.”
“Good. Let him be mad.”
“Okay.” Michael will be pissy when I say no. I don’t care.
“So this is our first step together, Evie. If we want to think about being together, we both have things to change. This is a start, right?”
“Yes. Are there others?” I ask him.
“Other women?”
“Yes, other fuck buddies. Or just her?”
“I’ve never had just one, Evie. Not in a long time.”
“Oh...” The nausea starts to creep back up on me again.
“I don’t want that anymore. Now I want you.”
“Why? Why me?”
He lets out a little laugh. “I don’t really know. I just knew, sitting in the truck with you in my lap, that this was it. I figured we were either gonna die together back there or get out and be together forever. I don’t question feelings like that. I must get that from my mom,” he teases.
And so it began.
Chapter Fifteen
I wake up Saturday morning feeling stronger. Last night, Storm and I decided this would be our start.
I want him. I want to be with him. I have not felt close to Michael in so long. I’ll miss what we once had, but I know I need to let go. It’s not fair for either of us for me to hang onto him like a security blanket.
Make a plan. Set attainable goals. Reward each goal. Don’t give up if things don’t go perfect.
These are all things my therapist had drilled into my head, back when I tried to seek help for my depression and lack of zest for life. My lack of direction and desire to do anything. The time when I laid in bed for days.
I would try for a few days, and then give up. Goals were scary. Plans were frustrating. Settling was easier, so much less work.
This time, I’m going to follow through. Storm is worth it. We’re worth it.
I sit in the grass and write my list in a soft leather journal. The soft cover is soothing to me. I love how the leather smells. I collect old books and journals like this one with handmade paper. Writing my wishes in this seems more appropriate than typing them into the notepad of my cell phone.
I start my list. Check Finances. Michael and I have a joint account, but also separate accounts. I have some money left over from my parent’s insurance. I’ll need to find out how much I have and how much is fair for us to split from our joint account.
Find a place to live. I can’t afford to stay in the condo. We lease it so Michael can stay if he wants and renew the lease. Where will I live? I could live with Amy, but I doubt that will work. We both like our space and privacy. Hopefully, I can afford a small studio apartment. I’ve never lived alone. The thought scares me a little bit.
My cell phone beeps and I check it.
Storm: Good morning, Sunshine.
A huge smile instantly spreads across my face.
Me: Good morning ;)
Storm: We just got on the road. What are you doing?
I take a picture of the double headstone I’m sitting with and send it to him via message.
Me: I’m here. Writing in my journal. Drinking a latte.
Storm: Baby, I would have brought you there. I always will.
Me: I know. In the summer, we’ll come together. You can help me with the flowers.
Storm: Definitely. What are you writing?
Me: A list of things I need to do to be with you.
Storm: Fuck. You just made my heart jump.
My insides do a happy dance. I love how he makes me feel.
Me: Is that good?
Storm: It’s fucking awesome. I want to jump out of this bus and run back to you
Me: LOL ... Don’t do that
Storm: Wait until I can get my hands on you :-)~
Me: :) I’m going to head back home. It’s getting overcast here.
Storm: K. I’ll text you later
I close my journal. I’ll write again later when I have some more time to think. Touching the headstone, I wonder what my parents would think of Storm. I’m sure my dad would scoff about the long hair and tattoos, but I think once they got to know him, they would have both liked him. Mom would have loved his smile and his eyes.
Michael and Amy are all I have left. My only friends, my only family. They have made me feel grounded since my parents passed, giving me a sense of having a connection to when my life was full and happy. Leaving Michael will, of course, leave a hole in my life.
I love him, but I no longer feel like I am in love with him. It took meeting Storm to make me realize that. And I hate to compare, but Michael never made my insides go to mush, even in the beginning. I never felt that closeness with him, like I could just close my eyes and melt completely into him forever. I never felt like I could tell him anything. I never came all over his face or quivered just thinking about him. I guess starting our relationship at age fourteen doomed us. We never grew or evolved. Our love was still fourteen, stuck in twenty-something people.
Mom used to say when a door closes a window opens. I will lose Michael. But that will leave me open to explore whatever is going on with Storm and me without guilt and being a bad person. Maybe we really can make this work and have a relationship
“If we are ever together, we would spend a lot of time here,” Storm said at Gram’s house. He wants me as part of his family. I could have a family again. And what a family that would be! Just thinking about it boggles my mind. Could that really be my life someday?
Baby steps.
Continuing with my list—Distance from Michael. This will be difficult. While Michael has no problems distancing himself from me whenever his attention is elsewhere, he is used to me jumping at his every whim and never saying no to what he wants or asks me to do. Our sex life is sucky at best (no pun intended), but he does like to have sex for a few minutes several times per week just to get off. Storm and I promised no sex with others as our start of focusing on being together.
Halo. Make sure new apartment is pet-friendly.
The house phone rings. I put my journal in the end table drawer and answer it.