PRAISE FOR JOE R. LANSDALE
“A folklorist’s eye for telling detail and a front-porch raconteur’s sense of pace.”
—New York Times Book Review
“A terrifically gifted storyteller.”
—Washington Post Book Review
“A zest for storytelling and a gimlet eye for detail.”
—Entertainment Weekly
“Lansdale is a storyteller in the Texas tradition of outrageousness...but amped up to about 100,000 watts.”
—Houston Chronicle
“A cult figure.”
—People
“Outrageously funny.”
—Los Angeles Times
“Lansdale’s been hailed, at varying points in his career, as the new Flannery O’Connor, William Faulkner-gone-madder, and the last surviving splatterpunk...sanctified in the blood of the walking Western dead and righteously readable.”
—Austin Chronicle
“Black humor and bad taste abound in Lansdale’s Edgar-winning body of work…”
—Details
“Laugh-out-loud funny, acquainted with the night and often acutely profound.”
—Dallas News
“Definitely not for the fainthearted or the easily offended.”
—Bookgasm
“I’m laughing so hard that I’m near busting a gut. [Lansdale’s] just that funny, that rednecked, and that insanely offensive in everything he puts on the page.”
—Bookhound
Praise for The Best of Joe R. Lansdale
“Always entertaining, champion storyteller Lansdale shares his best weird yarns in this terrific collection.... This is a great introduction to the raunchy, cheerfully unclassifiable East Texan bon vivant.”
—Publishers Weekly
“I’m convinced—absolutely convinced—that if Joe R. Lansdale didn’t write in the realm of horror, America would be tripping over itself to praise him and hang literary medals around his neck.”
—Bookgasm
“Let this volume introduce you to his uncensored, unfiltered world. He is a writer deserving of a wide and appreciative audience.”
—UK Guardian
Deadman's Crossing
JOE R. LANSDALE
Deadman’s Crossing
Copyright © 2010 by Joe R. Lansdale
This is a work of fiction. All events portrayed in this book are fictitious and any resemblance to real people or events is purely coincidental. All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form without the express permission of the editors and the publisher.
Cover art “The Quick and the Undead” © 2012 by Travis J. Elston
Cover and interior design by Elizabeth Story
Fonts: Zombified by Chad Savage; Dead Secretary by Andrew Hart; Playbill by Stephenson Blake; Aldine 721 by Frank Hinman Pierpont; Nymphette by Lauren Thompson; Rosewood by Adobe.
Tachyon Publications
1459 18th Street #139
San Francisco, CA 94107
(415) 285-5615
www.tachyonpublications.com
[email protected]
Series Editor: Jacob Weisman
Project Editor: Jill Roberts
ISBN 13: 978-1-61696-150-3
Book printed in the United States of America by Worzalla
First Tachyon Edition: 2013
“Deadman’s Road” copyright © 2007 by Joe R. Lansdale. Originally appeared in Weird Tales, February/March 2007. | “The Gentleman’s Hotel” copyright © 2007 by Joe R. Lansdale. Originally appeared in The Shadows, Kith and Kin (Subterranean Press: Burton, Michigan). | “The Crawling Sky” copyright © 2009 by Joe R. Lansdale. Originally appeared in Son of Retro Pulp Tales, edited by Joe R. Lansdale and Keith Lansdale (Subterranean Press: Burton, Michigan). | “The Dark Down There” copyright © 2010 by Joe R. Lansdale. Originally appeared in Deadman’s Road (Subterranean Press: Burton, Michigan).
DEDICATION
For John Lansdale, who made many suggestions I followed, and some, if he’ll forgive me, I did not.
So, this is your book, John. I hope you like it.
CONTENTS
Deadman’s Road
The Gentleman's Hotel
The Crawling Sky
The Dark Down There
The hour hath come to part with this body
composed of flesh and blood;
May I know the body to be impermanent and illusory.
—Tibetan Book of the Dead
And we were not able to detain Lazarus, but he gave himself a shake,
and with all the signs of malice, he immediately went away from us;
and the very earth, in which the dead body of Lazarus was lodged,
presently turn him out alive.
—Nicodemus 15:18 (A Lost Book of the Bible)
From ghoulies and ghosties
And long-legged beasties
And things that go bump in the night,
Good Lord, deliver us.
—Old Scottish Invocation
The evening sun had rolled down and blown out in a bloody wad, and the white, full moon had rolled up like an enormous ball of tightly wrapped twine. As he rode, the Reverend Jebidiah Mercer watched it glow above the tall pines. All about it stars were sprinkled white-hot in the dead-black heavens.
The trail he rode on was a thin one, and the trees on either side of it crept toward the path as if they might block the way, and close up behind him. The weary horse on which he was riding moved forward with its head down, and Jebidiah, too weak to fight it, let his mount droop and take its lead. Jebidiah was too tired to know much at that moment, but he knew one thing. He was a man of the Lord and he hated God, hated the sonofabitch with all his heart.
And he knew God knew and didn’t care, because he knew Jebidiah was his messenger. Not one of the New Testament, but one of the Old Testament, harsh and mean and certain, vengeful and without compromise; a man who would have shot a leg out from under Moses and spat in the face of the Holy Ghost and scalped him, tossing his celestial hair to the wild four winds.
It was not a legacy Jebidiah would have preferred, being the bad-man messenger of God, but it was his, and he had earned it through sin, and no matter how hard he tried to lay it down and leave it be, he could not. He knew that to give in and abandon his God-given curse was to burn in hell forever, and to continue was to do as the Lord prescribed, no matter what his feelings toward his mean master might be. His Lord was not a forgiving Lord, nor was he one who cared for your love. All he cared for was obedience, servitude and humiliation. It was why God had invented the human race. Amusement.
As he thought on these matters, the trail turned and widened, and off to one side, amongst tree stumps, was a fairly large clearing, and in its center was a small log house, and out to the side a somewhat larger log barn. In the curtained window of the cabin was a light that burned orange behind the flour-sack curtains. Jebidiah, feeling tired and hungry and thirsty and weary of soul, made for it.
Stopping a short distance from the cabin, Jebidiah leaned forward on his horse and called out, “Hello, the cabin.”
He waited for a time, called again, and was halfway through calling when the door opened, and a man about five-foot-two with a large droopy hat, holding a rifle, stuck himself part of the way out of the cabin, said, “Who is it calling? You got a voice like a bullfrog.”
“Reverend Jebidiah Mercer.”
“You ain’t come to preach none, have you?”
“No, sir. I find it does no good. I’m here to beg for a place in your barn, a night under its roof. Something for my horse, something for myself if it’s available. Most anything, as long as water is involved.”
“Well,” said the man
, “this seems to be the gathering place tonight. Done got two others, and we just sat asses down to eat. I got enough you want it, some hot beans and some old bread.”
“I would be most obliged, sir,” Jebidiah said.
“Oblige all you want. In the meantime, climb down from that nag, put it in the barn, and come in and chow. They call me Old Timer, but I ain’t that old. It’s ’cause most of my teeth are gone and I’m crippled in a foot a horse stepped on. There’s a lantern just inside the barn door. Light that up, and put it out when you finish, come on back to the house.”
When Jebidiah finished grooming and feeding his horse with grain in the barn, watering him, he came into the cabin, made a show of pushing his long black coat back so that it revealed his ivory-handled .44 cartridge-converted revolvers. They were set so that they leaned forward in their holsters, strapped close to the hips, not draped low like punks wore them. Jebidiah liked to wear them close to the natural swing of his hands. When he pulled them it was a movement quick as the flick of a hummingbird’s wings, the hammers clicking from the cock of his thumb, the guns barking, spewing lead with amazing accuracy. He had practiced enough to drive a cork into a bottle at about a hundred paces, and he could do it in bad light. He chose to reveal his guns that way to show he was ready for any attempted ambush. He reached up and pushed his wide-brimmed black hat back on his head, showing black hair gone gray-tipped. He thought having his hat tipped made him look casual. It did not. His eyes always seemed aflame in an angry face.
Inside, the cabin was bright with kerosene lamp light, and the kerosene smelled, and there were curls of black smoke twisting about, mixing with gray smoke from the pipe of Old Timer, and the cigarette of a young man with a badge pinned to his shirt. Beside him, sitting on a chopping log by the fireplace, which was too hot for the time of year, but was being used to heat up a pot of beans, was a middle-aged man with a slight paunch and a face that looked like it attracted thrown objects. He had his hat pushed up a bit, and a shock of wheat-colored, sweaty hair hung on his forehead. There was a cigarette in his mouth, half of it ash. He twisted on the chopping log, and Jebidiah saw that his hands were manacled together.
“I heard you say you was a preacher,” said the manacled man, as he tossed the last of his smoke into the fireplace. “This here sure ain’t God’s country.”
“Worse thing is,” said Jebidiah, “it’s exactly God’s country.”
The manacled man gave out with a snort, and grinned.
“Preacher,” said the younger man, “my name is Jim Taylor. I’m a deputy for Sheriff Spradley, out of Nacogdoches. I’m taking this man there for a trial, and most likely a hanging. He killed a fella for a rifle and a horse. I see you tote guns, old style guns, but good ones. Way you tote them, I’m suspecting you know how to use them.”
“I’ve been known to hit what I aim at,” Jebidiah said, and sat in a rickety chair at an equally rickety table. Old Timer put some tin plates on the table, scratched his ass with a long wooden spoon, then grabbed a rag and used it as a pot holder, lifted the hot bean pot to the table. He popped the lid of the pot, used the ass-scratching spoon to scoop a heap of beans onto plates. He brought over some wooden cups and poured them full from a pitcher of water.
“Thing is,” the deputy said, “I could use some help. I don’t know I can get back safe with this fella, havin’ not slept good in a day or two. Was wondering, you and Old Timer here could watch my back till morning? Wouldn’t even mind if you rode along with me tomorrow, as sort of a backup. I could use a gun hand. Sheriff might even give you a dollar for it.”
Old Timer, as if this conversation had not been going on, brought over a bowl with some moldy biscuits in it, placed them on the table. “Made them a week ago. They’ve gotten a bit ripe, but you can scratch around the mold. I’ll warn you though, they’re tough enough you could toss one hard and kill a chicken on the run. So mind your teeth.”
“That how you lost yours, Old Timer?” the manacled man said.
“Probably part of them,” Old Timer said.
“What you say, preacher?” the deputy said. “You let me get some sleep?”
“My problem lies in the fact that I need sleep,” Jebidiah said. “I’ve been busy, and I’m what could be referred to as tuckered.”
“Guess I’m the only one that feels spry,” said the manacled man.
“No,” said Old Timer. “I feel right fresh myself.”
“Then it’s you and me, Old Timer,” the manacled man said, and grinned, as if this meant something.
“You give me cause, fella, I’ll blow a hole in you and tell God you got in a nest of termites.”
The manacled man gave his snort of a laugh again. He seemed to be having a good old time.
“Me and Old Timer can work shifts,” Jebidiah said. “That okay with you, Old Timer?”
“Peachy,” Old Timer said, and took another plate from the table and filled it with beans. He gave this one to the manacled man, who said, lifting his bound hands to take it, “What do I eat it with?”
“Your mouth. Ain’t got no extra spoons. And I ain’t giving you a knife.”
The manacled man thought on this for a moment, grinned, lifted the plate and put his face close to the edge of it, sort of poured the beans toward his mouth. He lowered the plate and chewed. “Reckon they taste scorched with or without a spoon.”
Jebidiah reached inside his coat, took out and opened up a pocket knife, used it to spear one of the biscuits, and to scrape the beans toward him.
“You come to the table, young fella,” Old Timer said to the deputy. “I’ll get my shotgun, he makes a move that ain’t eatin’, I’ll blast him and the beans inside him into that fireplace there.”
Old Timer sat with a double barrel shotgun resting on his leg, pointed in the general direction of the manacled man. The deputy told all that his prisoner had done while he ate. Murdered women and children, shot a dog and a horse, and just for the hell of it, shot a cat off a fence, and set fire to an outhouse with a woman in it. He had also raped women, stuck a stick up a sheriff’s ass, and killed him, and most likely shot other animals that might have been some good to somebody. Overall, he was tough on human beings, and equally as tough on livestock.
“I never did like animals,” the manacled man said. “Carry fleas. And that woman in the outhouse stunk to high heaven. She needed burning.”
“Shut up,” the deputy said. “This fella,” and he nodded toward the prisoner, “his name is Bill Barrett, and he’s the worst of the worst. Thing is, well, I’m not just tired, I’m a little wounded. He and I had a tussle. I hadn’t surprised him, wouldn’t be here today. I got a bullet graze in my hip. We had quite a dustup. I finally got him down by putting a gun barrel to his noggin’ half a dozen times or so. I’m not hurt so bad, but I lost blood for a couple days. Weakened me. You’d ride along with me Reverend, I’d appreciate it.”
“I’ll consider it,” Jebidiah said. “But I’m about my business.”
“Who you gonna preach to along here, ’sides us?” the deputy said.
“Don’t even think about it,” Old Timer said. “Just thinking about that Jesus foolishness makes my ass tired. Preaching makes me want to kill the preacher and cut my own throat. Being at a preachin’ is like being tied down in a nest a red bitin’ ants.”
“At this point in my life,” Jebidiah said. “I agree.”
There was a moment of silence in response to Jebidiah, then the deputy turned his attention to Old Timer. “What’s the fastest route to Nacogdoches?”
“Well now,” Old Timer said, “you can keep going like you been going, following the road out front. And in time you’ll run into a road, say thirty miles from here, and it goes left. That should take you right near Nacogdoches, which is another ten miles, though you’ll have to make a turn somewhere up in there near the end of the trip. Ain’t exactly sure where unless I’m looking at it. Whole trip, traveling at an even pace ought to take you two days.”
“You could go with us,” the deputy said. “Make sure I find that road.”
“Could,” said Old Timer, “but I won’t. I don’t ride so good anymore. My balls ache I ride a horse for too long. Last time I rode a pretty good piece, I had to squat over a pan of warm water and salt, soak my taters for an hour or so just so they’d fit back in my pants.”
“My balls ache just listening to you,” the prisoner said. “Thing is, though, them swollen up like that, was probably the first time in your life you had man-sized balls, you old fart. You should have left them swollen.”
Old Timer cocked back the hammers on the double barrel. “This here could go off.”
Bill just grinned, leaned his back against the fireplace, then jumped forward. For a moment, it looked as if Old Timer might cut him in half, but he realized what had happened.
“Oh yeah,” Old Timer said. “That there’s hot, stupid. Why they call it a fireplace.”
Bill readjusted himself, so that his back wasn’t against the stones. He said, “I’m gonna cut this deputy’s pecker off, come back here, make you fry it up and eat it.”
“You’re gonna shit and fall back in it,” Old Timer said. “That’s all you’re gonna do.”
When things had calmed down again, the deputy said to Old Timer, “There’s no faster route?”
Old Timer thought for a moment. “None you’d want to take.”
“What’s that mean?” the deputy said.
Old Timer slowly lowered the hammers on the shotgun, smiling at Bill all the while. When he had them lowered, he turned his head, looked at the deputy. “Well, there’s Deadman’s Road.”
“What’s wrong with that?” the deputy asked.
“All manner of things. Used to be called Cemetery Road. Couple years back that changed.”
Jebidiah’s interest was aroused. “Tell us about it, Old Timer.”
“Now I ain’t one to believe in hogwash, but there’s a story about the road, and I got it from someone you might say was the horse’s mouth.”
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