It wasn’t a perfect metaphor, but right now, all she wanted was safety. The surrounding light had faded, so maybe she wasn’t going to die after all. And if she was, why not feel like you were okay for that time, loved and cared for?
She had a feeling she would be able to spend the rest of her life convincing herself this was enough.
***
By 5 p.m., Allison dozed in a semi-conscious haze of contentment and blanket cocoons. She asked David to bring her phone before she fell asleep.
Her heart sank as she saw about 20 messages from Jill. The good news was that she didn’t think Allison had stood her up, because the coffee shop was in the building, like she had told Stuart. So Jill had also been evacuated. A lot of messages asked where Allison was and if she was okay.
The bad news? She was more excited about Allison’s engagement than Allison.
Oh, wow, I saw the proposal on YouTube! That’s amazing. Congrats! I’m sure you’ll want to be alone with Prince Charming today. No worries, I’ll be around tomorrow and Sunday before leaving town.
A smile emoji punctuated the text.
“Hey, David, can you go out tonight?”
David looked up from his book. “By myself?”
“If you don’t mind… I’d like to invite Allison over for dinner. Or I can go out if that’s easier.”
“No, no, it’s fine. Chuck’s been bugging me to come for poker night for weeks… I’ll let him know I’m in.”
Allison smiled. “Thanks.”
She wrote:
Well, it’s not as great as it might look. Can you come over for dinner?
Jill wrote back in seconds. Thai or Chinese?
***
The benefit of having their coffee date interrupted by being stuck in an elevator: Allison was much less nervous to meet Jill. The whole experience had used up all her adrenaline.
There were squeals of hello, happiness and delight as they hugged their greetings.
“You look amazing! You haven’t changed at all!”
Allison wished that were true. “Oh, Jill, if only… I don’t even know who I am anymore.”
Jill frowned. “Let’s sit down. You’ve had quite a day.”
“Well, so have you.” But she led Jill to the couch, and they chatted as they laid out the takeout containers. “What happened upstairs, anyway?”
Jill hadn’t changed. She could have stepped off a college campus moments before. Her brown hair was just a little shorter, around her shoulders. She wore jeans and a white sweater.
Allison had taken the dress off and changed into pajamas as soon as she got home, but she had put on slacks and a sweater and felt a little overdressed now.
“It was kind of chill, for a fire,” she laughed. “I didn’t have a clue until we were all outside. The staff just came in and told us we needed to leave the building. I heard a few people on the stairs say they smelled smoke, but I thought they were just being dramatic.”
“No fire alarms or anything?”
“No, nothing. So weird.”
“Yeah, weird… I have suspicions about that building being up to code, for sure…” She remembered Stuart and their conversation, and she wondered if they’d ever see each other again. It seemed weird to think they wouldn’t. “Did you know I was stuck on the elevator?”
“No, you’re kidding! That must have been so scary. By yourself?”
“No, there was a guy.” She served two plates of rice and pulled out some pad thai for herself.
“That must have been weird,” Jill said with the tone of someone who was squeamish about being alone with men on elevators in NYC.
Which was fair.
“It was great, really.” Allison tried to keep her voice neutral.
Jill set her plate down with a thump. “Oh my God, what did you do?”
Allison blushed. “Nothing like that.” They had fallen into conversation like they had never been apart. “It was just… I liked him. I feel like we connected somehow.”
“That would be such a great ‘how-we-met’ story.”
“If I wasn’t already living with my boyfriend.”
“Who proposed to you as soon as you walked out of the building….”
She sighed. “Yeah. Honestly, one of the things I was most looking forward to talking with you about lunch? I‘m not sure David’s the one.”
Jill bumped Allison‘s knee with her own. “Well, here I am. Give it.”
“Shouldn’t we catch up? I don’t know how you’ve been, I haven’t apologized for disappearing…”
“This is catching up. I want to know about this lovely man and beautiful apartment. And why you are so unhappy here.”
“Do I look unhappy?”
“You do. Even in the video, I thought, ‘she looks so sad,’ but I thought it was just that you were overwhelmed.”
“Well, I was.”
So she told Jill everything. How she felt out of sorts in her velvet dress. How she had suspected he was about to propose the night before, and how she had felt like he was such a great person, and such a great person…. But why didn’t she love him more?
“Because he doesn’t get you.”
Allison felt her heart soften at the words. Could it be that simple? Could it be just a basic incompatibility, that they weren’t right for each other? And not that she was broken and closed off from other people?
“You know, I haven’t had a friend since you. Like, any girl friends. David has been my only friend for years, and I feel like we’ve just dated. I’m not sure I get him, either. This -” she gestured with her chopsticks at the table and the food and the two of them “-feels so normal, and I don’t feel like I deserve normal.”
They ate for a few minutes, considering. The sounds of the city were far below. It was a nice apartment. She had never lived at street level, drowned by sirens and horns. She was lucky. Living in a building where the elevator never broke down seemed to be a luxury, if today was any evidence. She could never live here without David.
“I felt like that for a long time, too,” Jill said. “I’m not sure when it changed. You know how I was… and it’s not like anything magical happened. I didn’t find a true love, or feel a calling to some great purpose. I just realized one day I was okay with being alive, and that I was okay being me.” She shrugged. “I guess a part of me always felt I had to earn being here, on this planet, and it sank in that I didn’t. And you know, you don’t, either. You’re allowed to be happy. You don’t have to earn it.”
“I don’t know if I’m ready to be happy.”
Jill shrugged. “That’s okay, you don’t have to be. Take your time.”
Chapter 5
After the elevator incident, Stuart felt better. He woke up with energy, certain this was the end of a chapter, and the beginning of something new.
He had found the YouTube video pretty quickly. He watched it a few times (more than a few times), looking for any hint that things had gone differently than he remembered. He paused it when she looked at him. He thought she looked unhappy, especially when she looked at her fiance. And when she said yes. What kind of man would be happy to get a “yes”, when his love looked so sad in her answer?
Stuart hated him, but no matter how many times he watched the video, no matter how much he disliked the man and was even a little angry at Allison for her answer, it didn’t change the fact that she did say yes.
He was a side character in their lives, meant nothing to either of them. He had to move on, had to let it go.
This was something he wasn’t good at, letting go. He got attached too quickly, in almost any romantic situation. (He even had crushes on a few book characters that had been more intense than some of his romantic relationships.) He wasn’t sure when it had started, but he thought it had something to do with his knowledge of death… He didn’t want to waste any time.
His heightened interest and attachment only seemed to push people away.
At least, with Allison, he wouldn’t have
to go through that. He wouldn’t have to see the frustration in her eyes when she said, “You’re just too.. Much. Stuart. You need to slow down.” Their relationship would always be perfect, in a way. For a few minutes of his life, he had been on the same page with another human being.
It felt good.
And besides, it was ridiculous to call it a relationship… And there we go, a full-circle day, from ridiculous daydreams of non-relationships to ridiculous breakups of non-relationships.
But he was ready to do something different.
“I quit.”
His manager looked at him like he’d grown an extra head. “You’re giving two weeks’ notice?”
“No, I’m sorry… I can’t. I wish I could but… Today was a sign.”
He walked out, and down the block, wondering if “Today was a sign,” was the worst excuse for quitting a job, ever.
But he also didn’t care; because he was sure today was a sign.
He moved on.
***
By the time Jill left town, Allison’s life felt a lot more clear. “I’m so glad you came this weekend. I’m so glad your letter came. You’ll never know how much it means.”
“You must come visit me, soon. Promise?”
“Yes, of course.” They parted with hugs after a last Sunday brunch together, and as she walked back home, she knew what she wanted to do. What she had to do.
She pulled out her phone and texted David, “We need to talk.” After checking the Alabaster restaurant hours and confirming brunch, she took off the ring and put it in her pocket. She took the long walk, rather than the metro, so she would have time to change her mind if she wasn’t feeling brave.
The longer she walked, the braver she felt. This was her life. She could be happy… And maybe she even deserved to be.
Allison paused when she arrived at Alabaster. When she opened the door, the host greeted her with a warm smile. “Table for..?”
“Um, actually, I was wondering if Stuart was in today?”
With the ever-polite poker face of a host, he said, “Stuart no longer works here, madam.”
“Oh, okay, thanks. Sorry.”
She walked half a block before she sank against the wall, wondering what had happened. Why had he quit one of the best restaurants in the city? Was he okay? Had they had fired him?
She looked down the street, half hoping he would appear out of nowhere, as he had just a few days before. That they would bump into each other and… then what? She didn’t know, but she felt sad that she wouldn’t find out.
Deflated, she walked. Now she had to go home and break up with David.
And figure out where to live.
***
David ran his hands through his hair. “But I’ve told all the guys at work. And the awards banquet is next week. I can’t show up alone now. The promotions will be announced right after….”
He looked up at her, maybe realizing that his musings didn’t sound sad enough about losing her. “I’m sorry. That’s not that important.”
“It’s okay. It is important to you, David.” Jill was right, he didn’t get her, and she didn’t get him, either. “And I believe you’ll meet someone who cares about that, too.”
“I thought we were happy.” And we’re back… here was the earnest David she was used to.
“It’s easy to be with you. I like you so much, and sometimes I feel like, this is love, of course it is… but I don’t think that’s enough to get married.”
David pulled her in for a hug. “I will miss you so much, Allison. I meant what I said. Can’t imagine my life without you.”
She felt choked up. “I’ll miss you, too.”
“But I understand. And I hope you are happy, whatever happens.”
“I will get my things together and find somewhere to stay tonight.”
“No!” He looked horrified. “You think I will send you out on your own in the city? I know you don’t-” He broke off. “Stay here, as long as you need. I’ll sleep on the couch.” He gave his winsome smile. “It’s comfy.”
Allison hesitated, but he was convincing. And where was she going to stay, a hostel? She should have caught a flight out of town with Jill…
“Could I ask a favor?” David sat back and leaned to gaze at the ceiling.
Allison hesitated and pulled her knees up on the couch. She leaned her chin on her knees and wondered if she would regret not just walking out. He was still, always, so charming… but she couldn’t think of anything he could ask that would be so bad.
“The banquet. It would mean a lot to me if we didn’t tell the company about us until after that. You know how they are, they favor the family men. It’s old-fashioned and probably illegal, but unspoken rules are hard to break.”
Allison pictured herself dressed up, sleek, smiling at the men’s conversations and speaking when spoken to. She had played the role last year, just after arriving in New York. Part of her felt glamorous, like a kid playing dress-up, but part of her hated it. “You want me to go to the awards banquet and pretend … we’re getting married?”
It felt slimy, and she felt a weight sink onto her chest. She knew she wouldn’t say no, and not because he’d be mad. It was the disappointment in his eyes, and the thought of him there alone, with no one by his side. All the men he admired looking at him with shielded pity. He so wanted to be one of them.
“Sure, I don’t mind.” It would be awful, but she did care for him. It was one last favor she could do. “It will be great.”
***
The week passed. Allison made plans to leave New York, and to leave her job - which was not much of a job, anyway. The salary wouldn’t have paid for her to live in the city by herself - not rent, much less utilities or food.
It turned out to be a terrible idea to stay with your boyfriend after you had broken up, however. She had found it too easy to slip back into a comfortable routine. They watched Netflix, ate dinner and talked about their days. All the good things between them were great.
The night before the banquet, they made out on the couch. Allison tried to remind herself they had broken up, but holding him seemed like the most natural thing in the world.
David thought so, too. He whistled half the next day as they puttered around the apartment. When she changed into the long, sleek, blue (but not velvet) gown, he kissed her on the shoulder as he walked by her in the bedroom. In minutes, they were on the bed together. “My dress will get wrinkled.”
“Oh, no,” he said wickedly, and that had been the end of conversation for a while.
She was full of regret as they took the cab to the awards banquet. He reached over for her hand, and she took it away, and shook her head. “I’m sorry, David. This doesn’t change anything.”
Dinner was awkward. Allison was grateful for the distraction of the awards ceremony.
At one point, David said, “Isn’t that the guy who was on the elevator with you?” Indeed, there was a man who looked a lot like Stuart serving tables.
“No, I don’t think so.”
“Don’t you want to say hi to him?” She shook her head. “Why not?”
Because he would see I’m here with you, and I don’t want that. Because I still have his jacket and sometimes I take it out and smell it, which is weird. “Because it’s not him.”
Finally, there was dancing. He pulled her with him to slow dance “just once more,” and she thought of it as the last dance as they drifted cheek-to-cheek. He ruined it when he said, “I wish you would stay. I’ll never stop loving you.”
She pulled away and took off the ring. She pressed it into his hand, and whispered in his ear, “I’m sorry, I can’t do this. Goodbye.” Louder, so as not to make a scene, she said, “I need air. I’ll be right back.”
She found her way outside and wasn’t sure what to do. She had brought no money and she was miles from home. She could call her mom to buy her a bus ticket and she’d leave town with the clothes on her back. She’d get off the bus in Idaho wea
ring a blue gown.
The ultimate walk of shame.
She sat on the stone steps of the event hotel, trying to stay out of the way. An older woman with long, silver hair stood nearby, smoking. She was covered in light, drenched in it, embraced by Death. Probably lung cancer.
But God, she would love a cigarette right now.
“It’s kind of cold out here.” She looked up, and there he was. Not the man who looked like Stuart. It was Stuart, wearing dark jeans and a black leather jacket over a white shirt. He’d grown facial hair, and it wasn’t unattractive. But Stuart, who had become figment of a dream in the last week, here, standing right in front of her.
“Need a jacket?”
***
“Stuart.” She sounded shocked, and something about the way she said his name sent a thrill through him. Had she been thinking about him as much as he’d be thinking of her? He laid his jacket around her shoulders. “We can’t make a habit of this,” she said lightly. “I still have your other one.”
He had seen everything, upstairs. His new business partner had invited him to drop in to see what kind of events they were doing, and there wasn’t really much work for him to do. (If he had known being a silent partner was so easy, he would have taken on that gig years ago.) So when he saw Allison and David walk in, there wasn’t much to keep him from watching.
As much as he told himself not to be a creepy stalker, it was like telling a magnet not to go toward another magnet. His eyes kept following the scene. She was beautiful. She had chosen a gown that looked so striking against her fair skin, and her hair was pulled into an updo, but still showed off her curls in a loose pile, with tendrils escaping.
But she still looked so unhappy. So much so, that when she and David were dancing, he was very close to cutting in. (He had never cut in before, and wasn’t even sure it was still a thing, but he had to do it. She was still surrounded by the light, and this could be - would probably be - the last time he saw her.)
When he saw her take off the ring and press it into David’s hands, he could not possibly have been happier.
He waved off her worry. “I didn’t like it that much, and this one looks better on you than me. I’ll let you know when I give you one I would really miss.”
With Death in Autumn Page 3