by Willow, Jo
Then I put my foot in my mouth. I blame the emotional roller coaster and my broken heart. That and the fact that I rarely think before speaking.
“Anton, do you love me?”
“Yes.”
No hesitation, no shocked sputtering, no pulling away. His answer was straightforward and left no room for interpretation. He said, “yes”.
“That doesn’t mean I’m ready to be exclusive or that I’d consider holding your purse while you shopped. You know me and you know what I am. I don’t know if I’ll ever settle down and if you think you’ll want to someday, then I’ll have to make that decision then or let you go. I’m a major fuck-up and always have been. Karma is waiting to kick me in the nether regions and I expect you’ll be involved in that somehow. I don’t like to think about it, it makes me sad.”
Jeebus. Why don’t we just rip our hearts out and pin them to each other’s sleeves. He’d never been this open with his feelings and although I suspected that his brothers and his father had something to do with it, they weren’t all of it. We were alone (except for a sleeping Ayla) and he could’ve said anything he wanted to.
I leaned forward and kissed him softly.
“I love you too. I’m sorry I worried you and I’m sorry your family yelled at you. It wasn’t their place, it was mine. Instead I walked away because you hurt me. I thought you didn’t care about me and you were dealing me the final blow to get that point across once and for all. I cried myself to sleep because I was letting you go and it was killing me.”
His arms went around me and he pulled me closer. One arm was around my waist holding on tight, his other hand was on the back of my head, pulling my face gently into his neck.
“I’ll always care about you Mel’. I’ll always love you. Only you. No one challenges or revs me up like you. You’ve spoiled a lot of dates for me by walking into a room. They can see it all over my face. I don’t look at anyone the way I look at you. If something happened to you, I’d be useless because I don’t want to love anyone else. I don’t think I could now that I’ve loved you. You don’t look at me like a retirement fund or like I’m arm candy to impress your friends. You see the goofball manwhore that can’t help himself and you love me anyway.”
I clung to him and wept silent tears. This was all I wanted. I knew we’d go back to how we always were tomorrow, but right here, right now, I had him and he was giving me more truth than he’d ever given me before. This was who I knew he was inside. The side he didn’t dare show anyone else. That’s how I knew he was telling me the truth. He really did love me.
My heart began gathering it’s broken pieces and putting them neatly back in place with a smug look on it’s face. The devil woman inside of me kept poking me and telling me to grab his bits. I bitch slapped her into submission because Ayla was right over there and my foot was starting to throb. I was way overdue for some medication.
He was running his fingers through my hair and kissing the top of my head, soothing me and maybe himself a little.
“Promise me you won’t do anything like that again Mel’. Promise me you won’t put yourself in danger again. I’m too pretty to go to prison.”
I giggled and kissed his neck.
“I promise. Even though I did kick his lame ass.”
“He’ll be ready for you the next time baby.”
“Probably true, so I’ll be more careful. You have my word.”
I pulled back and brushed his hair from his forehead. He kept his arm around my waist and moved the other one to my leg.
“I need a promise from you too Anton.”
“Okay. I promise to try and not embarrass you in front of our families anymore.”
“That’s a good one and I’ll hold you to that, but it’s not the one I’m looking for.”
“I was afraid of that.”
“I need you to promise me that you won’t rub your dates in my face anymore. No more bringing them to my sister’s house when you know I’m gonna be there, no more booty calls when you can’t get laid anywhere else, either. I know you serial date and that hurts enough. I don’t need to have your latest conquest looking down her nose at me like she won the prize and I wasn’t good enough.”
“That’s what you think? That you’re not good enough? That I’m rubbing your nose in it?”
“That’s what I know. Otherwise, you wouldn’t do it. You admitted yourself that you knew I’d be at Deke and Dor’s and you brought that whore anyway. You did it purposely to hurt me. I want that to stop.”
“I didn’t do it to hurt you, I did it to make you jealous. You’d been ignoring me for weeks and I was insecure.”
I let go of him and fell back against the pillows. He crawled in over me and settled on top of the covers on his side, his head propped up on his hand. Great. Pillow talk confessions.
“Anton, I’m calling bullshit. You’ve never been insecure a day in your ornary life. You snap your fingers and a hot blonde is hanging off of you like a chimp from a tree. Don’t start lying to me now, you were doing so well. And for the record, you’ve got my number and a key to my place. You could’ve contacted me anytime you wanted to. You chose to stay away.”
“I was waiting for you to make the first move Mel’. I was waiting for you to show me that you cared.”
“I gave you a fucking key to my house Anton. That’s twenty-hour access. I care. I don’t recall receiving a key to your place yet you say you love me.”
I stabbed his chest once with my index finger.
“YOU don’t want me to walk in on you and some other woman. I know what this is about.”
“I don’t screw women at my apartment Mel’. You’re the only woman I’ve ever taken there.”
What? Was he serious? I was the only woman allowed in the Batcave? I felt like we should commemorate this with a t-shirt or something. Maybe one of those painted plates or collectible spoons would be better.
I stared at him and blinked.
“Cat got your tongue? It’s true. Unlike you...”
He tapped my forehead with his index finger.
“I don’t give keys out like free samples at a warehouse store. Only people I trust know where I live and have been inside my place. I have a nice hotel room I rent on a monthly rate where I take hook-ups.”
“You have a fuck pad? Seriously?”
“Don’t sound surprised. Most wealthy bachelors do. It’s no secret and no surprise. As closely as we’re followed by cameras, the last thing I need is some asshole rag publishing pics of a makeup streaked face doing the walk of shame at six in the morning. I try not to humiliate anyone Mel’.”
He took my hand and kissed my wrist.
“I’m sorry I did that to you tonight. It was stupid and uncalled for. Forgive me?”
“Will you promise what I asked for a few minutes ago?”
“I promise I’ll try.”
I pulled my hand from his and he groaned.
“Not good enough.”
He pulled his own hair and collapsed on his back against the pillows.
“Mel’, what do you want from me? We travel in the same circles and hang in the same places. How am I not supposed to see you when I’m on a date? You have to get over this inferiority thing you’ve got going.”
Now, not only was I in pain, I was getting pissed.
“Inferiority thing? I’m not inferior! Especially compared to the caliber of women you shack up with. You really should aim higher Anton. That one you were with at the fashion show was more like someone you should be with.”
“Are you honestly laying there trying to pair me up with someone else? Is that what I’m hearing?”
I shrugged because he was right to be incredulous. The thing was, I knew the truth even if he hadn’t faced it yet. Time to club him with it.
“Might as well. You’ll obviously never belong to me. If we’re going to have to see each other at family gatherings, I at least want to see you with someone that’s worthy of your attention. I’m happy to help y
ou with that if I can. No more tassel wearing tramps. I want you with someone classier. Someone worthy of your attention.”
I watched him morph like a Transformer. He didn’t like what I was saying and I didn’t care. If we were gonna be honest with one another, then let’s do the whole enchilada. I saw no reason to dance around the inevitable.
My heart stopped smirking and left a broken piece of itself floating in blackness while it wondered what the hell I was doing. It knew I was about to blow my own happiness right out of the water.
He moved so fast and so close, I felt his breath against my cheek. He was pulling me onto my side and only slowed when he felt me wince in pain. He gently took my casted leg and and moved it over his own, cinching my knee over his thigh. We were belly to belly, nose to nose and he was ghosting his lips over my jaw.
“I told you that I loved you. You. Nobody else. What are you saying to me Mel’? Spit it out.”
“I’m saying that I believe you but it doesn’t make a difference if you can’t back it up with actions. Do you know I haven’t slept with anyone but you since we met?”
“No way. I know that you’ve dated, don’t lie to me.”
“Dating doesn’t have to equal sex Anton. I’m not lying. I don’t want anyone but you. I love you. I understand that you can separate love for sex and I imagine that’s true for most men. I can’t. Never could and that’s probably one of my biggest secrets. I’m not the carefree single woman I appear to be. If I can’t trust you, I can’t sleep with you. And it takes awhile to earn my trust. Most guys don’t hang around that long. That’s fine. I’m okay with that because if they don’t want to invest the time, then I won’t invest the interest.”
“So you’re telling me all that time that you were agreeing with me that it was ‘just sex’ and nothing more, you were lying to me.”
The way he said it wasn’t playful. I’d walked into my own sanctimonious trap.
He pulled away from me a few inches and placed my leg back on the bed. He may as well have shipped me to Kansas, the distance seemed that great. Anton was pulling away from me in more ways than one and I started scrambling.
“I wasn’t lying as much as protecting myself. I knew I had feelings for you and I wanted you. You wanted me. I also knew that you didn’t do long-term relationships and I was cool with that...”
“But you weren’t, were you? You said you had feelings for me and that you basically are an old-fashioned girl that only sleeps with people she trusts. Translation, loves. You knew I’d freak out if I knew that, so you lied to me to get what you wanted. You lied to me, even though I’ve never been anything but honest with you. Now you let me bare my soul and you tell me that you love me. How do I know you’re not lying now for the same reason? You want me off the market, you made me promise as much. We hang out in the same neighborhood at the same places and you don’t want me to do that with a date. You’re tying my hands to make yourself feel better. You’ve been manipulating me from day one Mel’, and I can’t believe I was too fucking stupid to see it.”
He stood up and stood next to the bed, his eyes blazing and his hands shoved in his pockets. I suspect to keep himself from wringing my neck. I thought I jumped to conclusions, but I had nothing on Anton Sloan.
He turned his body as if to head for the door, but then he turned his head towards me. His eyes looked defeated and beaten and for that one moment, I hated myself. I never believed that I manipulated him. I still don’t believe that. If I had, I never would’ve given him a key. I never would have put myself out there for his random midnight panty raids. He forgot that I’d also said that I hadn’t slept with anyone else but him since we met. That was a handy omission on his part.
“You’re just like the rest of them Mel’, only you’re sneakier and your motive isn’t as obvious. You’re still a liar though and I still got sucked into it. You’re good. I’ll give you that.”
I folded my hands in my lap as I sat upright, ramrod stiff.
“So are you.”
“Meaning?”
“Meaning that I still haven’t slept with anyone but you. Meaning that you still admitted that you love me. Meaning that I was right all along. You will do anything and everything to avoid a connection with me that might mean something. It didn’t matter what I said or what I meant. You were going to twist it to your advantage anyway, and find yet another reason to push me away. You know why?”
“No. Tell me why you think I’m pushing you away when I’ve admitted that I love you?”
“Because that’s just it Anton. You don’t love me. You can’t. Not the way that I love you, and you never will. Love is a concept for you. It’s an emotion for me. It’s a commitment that I make whether I want to or not, because you can’t choose who you love. You collect women like wheat pennies. Telling me you loved me was a way to gain forgiveness because your family is mad at you and you didn’t want the holidays to be uncomfortable. You’re the liar here. Not me.”
“Well thank-you for clarifying that for me. I guess I’m too stupid to think for myself. Take care of yourself Mel’.”
“You too.”
Then he left. In more ways than one.
Chapter Seven
I’m now at the point of hating the color green. Also, if I never hear another Christmas carol I’ll die a happy woman. This is bullshit people. The setting is idyllic. A snow covered farmhouse in the Connecticut countryside. All we need is a fucking sleigh pulled by Clydesdales. Yes, Clydesdales. Know why? Because at least they might have brought beer. There aren’t enough pain pills in my little brown bottle to dull what I’m feeling. What I’ve felt since that first night. I should never have walked through the door. I was happier alone at home. I could have ordered Thai take-out and watched “It’s a Wonderful Life” until I wanted to puke.
Now, I’m incapacitated on the sofa with my leg propped up, watching everyone open gifts they’ll never use, pretending like they’re thrilled. How many breadmakers, gift cards, and pairs of argyle socks can one person own? I buy gifts all the time. I buy things for people that I know well enough, that the minute I see it, I realize it’ll make their lives easier or more fun. I am not a last minute shopper. I’ve been hoarding these gifts like a squirrel hoarding nuts, waiting for this moment. I want to be giggly and bubbly and joy filled, but Anton sucked the joy right out of me.
The joy-sucker is seated across the room, as far from me as possible, trying not to look in my direction. This is how it will be from now on and I know it. We’re gonna spend the rest of our lives avoiding family functions that the other one will attend because we can’t even be comfortable friends anymore. He’s convinced I’m a lying manipulator, and I’m convinced he’s an emotional vacuum hiding behind some weird phobia involving attachment to another soul. This sucks putty balls and he’s about to open my gift.
Deacon and Dorothy are seated on the floor, having taken on the chore of passing out gifts and gathering wrapping paper into a large, environmentally unfriendly, trash bag. They handed the gift to Anton and he was too busy talking to Pierce to read the card attached. He has no clue who it’s from. This should be good.
He has no clue that I overheard him say something at Deke and Dor’s wedding several months ago. A group of macho he-man types were talking about extreme sports and hobbies, and one of them talked about rock climbing. He was bragging about this rock-face he’d climbed that rose over two-thousand feet and what a rush it was. One of the other guys talked about repelling and bungee jumping. Deacon and Anton chimed in that they’d always wanted to take a trip together to Costa Rica to go zip-lining over the rain forests there. They’d never had the money and now they didn’t have the time. The look they gave one another made me think for a long time afterwards.
Anton took the lid off of a thin, flat box and reached in to find a thick envelope. His curiosity peaked, he opened the envelope and I saw the joy that had been missing in his eyes the last few days. I couldn’t help but smile.
“Holy shi
t, this must’ve cost a fortune! This is a week in a high end resort, dedicated to zip-lining adventures in Costa Rica.”
Deacon’s head flew up and his eyes were glued to his brother’s. Here came the fun part.
Anton looked at him and handed him the second itinerary included that had Deacon’s name on it. Deacon took it out of reflex, but his eyes remained on Anton, who was clutching his own packet in his hand.
“There’s two of them Deke. One with your name and one with mine. Airline tickets, suites, zip passes, everything. Someone did us a solid. Someone knew what we’ve dreamed about.”
Deacon couldn’t stop grinning, then he pulled Dorothy to him in a bone crunching hug. She hugged him back, but laughed.
“Thanks for the hug babe, but it wasn’t me. I had no clue you wanted to do this.”
“If it wasn’t you, then who?”
He looked around the room while Anton searched through the wrapping paper for the card. They both found the culprit at the same time. I was grinning at Deacon who was grinning right back, when Anton read the card.
“Melody. This is from Mel’.”
He looked at me and for a moment, I saw his eyes soften. I couldn’t bear it so I looked down. When I looked back up, the ice shield was back in place and he was putting his gift back in the box.
“Thanks Mel’, but it’s too extravagant. I can’t accept this.”
“The fuck you can’t. I overheard you two talking about it at the wedding and I booked it when I got back to the city. You two are leaving the first week in March. Dorothy’s staying with me so Deacon can sleep at night, and you two are taking a much needed vacation. It’s only a week, but I’m sure you can pack a lot into that week. You need to do this while you’re young and can enjoy it. Once the baby comes, Deke won’t have the free time he has now. Go and enjoy it. You both know I’m right.”