Following the announcement of the Zurich experiment, back in the United States some investors smelled a money-making opportunity. And so “Liquid Trust” was born: bottled oxytocin for sale at $29.95 for 1/4 ounce. “Apply liquid trust every morning after showering,” the ad reads. It is “specially designed to give a boost to the dating and relationship area of your life.” A boost, indeed.
Young women are wise to take their time and investigate a young man’s history and character before getting physical. Guidance from elders is strongly advised.
—From The Archives of Common Sense
The recent breakthroughs about this hormone have been covered with much fanfare by the media. “‘Trust me,’ says cuddle hormone,” Reuters reported.39 “Scientists study ‘trust in a bottle’ ” announced the AP.40 There were news items by NPR, MSNBC, NBC, National Geographic, and ABC.
But there’s no mention of oxytocin in our schools, or should I say, in the “comprehensive, up to date, medically accurate” curricula taught there. Neither is any mention of it found in the books and websites to which our kids are directed for guidance. I searched three 41 of the most popular curricula, five suggested books, and another five recommended websites, and found not a word.42
Why don’t health and sexuality “experts,” who find reason to discuss cross-dressing and sadomasochism with kids, explain that male and female hormones create distinct realities? That because of this, teen boys and girls do think and feel differently, in particular about sexuality?43 That a girl’s physiology is so finely tuned, it responds to a boy’s scent? That a kiss is, well, not just a kiss?
These biological truths are omitted by the sex ed industry because they fly in the face of the ideology animating their very existence, that’s why.
Parents must send a clear message to SIECUS, Planned Parenthood, Advocates for Youth and other sex educators: your approach is dogmatic, reductionist, and out-of-date. It is time to enter the twenty-first century and make some bold changes, starting with reading journals such as Hormones and Behavior and Biology of Reproduction, and acknowledging the complex findings and insights of hard science.
Attachments
The first thing children should learn about sexuality is we are hardwired for close, lasting attachments.44
Attachment is a fitting subject for young children, many of whom are first experiencing—at pre-school and kindergarten—a separation from loved ones. They know about security, trust, good-byes, and yearning. It’s a natural time to discuss how some people in our lives are special and we always want them close by. We feel good when they hold us and we believe what they say.
Intimate behaviors break down emotional barriers, especially in women, increasing their vulnerability.
—From The Journal of Kitchen Table Wisdom
It’s a natural time to point out, in simple terms, how we form these attachments. Planned Parenthood and SIECUS advise we begin sexuality education in the first years of life with, “Each body part has a correct name and function. . . . Individual bodies are different sizes, shapes, and colors ... bodies can feel good when touched. . . . ”45 The message for kids, from the get-go, is: sexuality is about physical pleasure.
Science indicates otherwise. It says that from infancy we have a biological need to form intense, lasting attachments, and that one way we do that is through closeness and touch. Kids must be taught that our bodies are very sensitive to whom we’re with. Cuddling with someone, or climbing into their bed, sends silent signals to our brain with the message: Now I’m with someone special. I can relax and trust this person. I can love him or her.
In childhood, the sensitivity of boys and girls is similar, but with puberty, a girl’s system becomes more finely tuned. Closeness and touch are especially meaningful to her. This difference between girls and boys continues until she’s much older.
Anthropologists point out that, from an evolutionary perspective, it makes sense for a human female to be careful about mating: she’s the one at risk for what they call the greatest “parental investment burden.” In English that means the nausea, heartburn, insomnia and swollen feet; followed by labor, delivery, engorged breasts, etc ... to say nothing of years of lactation—during which time it’s harder for women to reproduce and invest in additional offspring than it is for men—and another dozen years, at least, of mothering. Remember, all men do biologically to reproduce is contribute sperm. So if we’re thinking about survival of the fittest, our ancestral sisters who discriminated carefully and chose a mate who hung around for a good while had a distinct advantage. But males didn’t need to be so “choosy.”46
Were those the thumps of falling bodies I heard? Yes, this “sexist” message will cause some to feel dizzy and faint. So be it. Today we know too much to perpetuate the Kinsey-based belief that intimacy is easily separated from attachment, and to tolerate the denial of substantial, inborn differences between male and female.
“Boys and girls receive messages about how they should behave from their families, friends, the media, and society,” says SIECUS. Of course they do, and it behooves us to encourage messages that are balanced and fact-based. But the most powerful messages our kids get are not from their environment. They are from their hypothalamus, ovaries, and testes.
Those organizations given the responsibility of providing “comprehensive” sexuality education to our young Kaylas and Davids are obligated to use as their foundation the insights provided by neurobiology and reproductive physiology. To deny these forces of nature in the interest of promoting specific social agendas is an unethical and hazardous blunder.
Chapter Three
Red Light, Green Light
ALMOST ALL PARENTS BELIEVE that teens should be encouraged to delay sex until after high school.1 Abstinence education encourages waiting—ideally until the safety of a monogamous marriage. Where do the “comprehensive” folks stand?
In a 2007 NPR interview, a SIECUS official addressed the issue. “I get a bit flummoxed when I hear constantly that we don’t spend enough time in comprehensive programs on abstinence,” said Bill Smith, SIECUS’s director of public policy. Smith said these allegations were “really silly,” and based only on pro-abstinence groups conducting word counts of SIECUS curricula looking for the word “abstinence.” “Just sloppy research,” he said.2
Smith went on:There are many, many ways that we need to talk to young people about the importance of abstaining and it doesn’t always mean that you use [that word]. It means using words and concepts like: it’s important to wait; it’s healthy to wait; it’s a good thing to wait—all of those different sorts of ways that we say the same thing that escape this sort of rudimentary word count that makes it sound like comprehensive programs do not support abstinence. It’s just simply not true.
The moderator, Margot Adler, then asked: “You would agree that it would be best if kids didn’t have sex in high school. Am I right?”
Smith didn’t hesitate: “Listen, absolutely. It is better for young people to wait to have sex. There is no question about that.”
Oh, that’s a relief—it’s just a vocabulary issue. Educators want kids to wait, just like parents. So in case you were wondering, kids get the same instruction at school as they do at home—teachers just don’t use the word “abstinence” is all. “Sex in high school?” they might say. “Not a good idea. If you haven’t started, don’t. If you have, stop.” Breathe easy, parents: we’re all on the same page.
If only it were so. Unfortunately, the last time SIECUS unequivocally advocated sexual restraint to kids was a half century ago. Perhaps Ms. Adler hadn’t done her homework, or maybe she didn’t want to put Smith in the hot seat.3 Either way, she missed an opportunity to reveal the truth.
Bill, she could have said, if you don’t want to use the word “abstinence,” that’s fine. The point, as you say, is not to use a particular term, but to give teens a clear, no-nonsense message.
But the message your organization and other “comprehensive”
programs teach teens is that “young people explore their sexuality as a natural process.”4 A vast majority of their peers do exactly that, they inform students, while only a small number choose to wait.... Becoming sexually active is a decision teens must make for themselves, after examining their “readiness.” Adults must provide information, but it’s kids who ultimately “decide when the time is right.”
So which is it, the NPR hostess might have asked Bill Smith. “Absolutely” better for kids to wait, as you say on the air, or each teen decides when is “the right time,” as you write in your curriculum? Red light or green light? You can’t have both.
Ms. Adler might have then discovered that SIECUS’s messages differ depending on their audience. Their official position statement on adolescent sexual health says, “Adolescents should be encouraged to delay sexual behaviors until they are physically, cognitively, and emotionally ready for mature sexual relationships and their consequences,” which to parents sounds like adulthood. But that’s not what SIECUS thinks. Kids who log on to the SIECUS website are directed to the pamphlet All About Sex, and to sites like scarleteen and gURL.com, which inform kids about their sexual rights, and tell them only they know when they are ready. On many of these sites, 6th graders learn how natural it is to explore, and find checklists to assess their readiness; they also are guided to resources for obtaining contraception and abortions without parental consent.
With a bit of investigation, NPR could have exposed the duplicity of the sex ed industry: in media interviews, a red light; in classrooms and websites for teens, a green one. NPR could also have learned that’s nothing new—SIECUS has been giving a green light to teen sexual activity for years.
In 1995, SIECUS released a report containing the consensus of national sexual health organizations.5 Policymakers and professionals were urged to adopt “a new approach to adolescent sexual health.” The report contended that “too much public policy debate has focused on helping adolescents abstain from sexual behavior, especially intercourse, rather than the complex dimensions of adolescent sexual development.”
These “complex dimensions” were not really so complex. The report urged recognition of “developmentally appropriate sexual behavior.” It argued that “most young people engage in sexual relationships without negative physical, social, or emotional consequences, and that most teenagers who have intercourse do so responsibly.”6
This is the entrenched dogma of sexuality education to this day. To claim otherwise, as Bill Smith did on NPR, is dishonest. NPR may be willing to let the sex ed industry get away with pretending they agree with parents who want their teenagers to delay sex, but if you’re not, you can easily find out what they really believe.
From the SIECUS report cited above:Responsible adolescent intimate relationships . . . should be based on shared personal values, and should be consensual; non-exploitative; honest; pleasurable; and protected against unintended pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases.
Planned Parenthood adds:Guidelines for Sex Partners • Have each other’s consent.
• Never use pressure to get consent.
• Be honest with each other.
• Treat each other as equals.
• Be attentive to each other’s pleasure.
• Protect each other against physical and emotional harm.
• Guard against unintended pregnancy and sexually transmitted infection.
• Be clear with each other about what you want to do and don’t want to do.
• Respect each other’s limits.
• Accept responsibility for your actions.7
Here’s what the SIECUS and Advocates for Youth- endorsed website positive.org tells teens:8 There are lots of safe and fun ways to get off, which you probably won’t learn in school. You can do many of these things all by yourself as well as with others, and you can talk about them even if you don’t want to do them. Don’t feel like you have to do everything on this page, but don’t feel like anything is automatically off limits either....
(Parents, there are activities recommended here that you don’t even want to know about, let alone have your teenagers experimenting with.)
For a description of “readiness skills,” log on to any of the Q&A websites SIECUS recommends for teens, and search for “ready.”
Planned Parenthood’s Teen Talk9 promises teens the facts about sex so they can “use this information to make [their] own responsible choices.” In the article “Am I Ready?” “expert” Elisa Klein—no information is available about her training or credentials—guides teens through the decision of whether to have intercourse “or any other kind of sex play.”10
The decision, Klein advises, “Requires a lot of thought from you and your partner.” Teens must: explore their values (“Do you think that sexual activity needs to be part of an intimate relationship?”); examine their relationship (“It’s important for you and your partner to be on the same page”); and be prepared (“talk about protection before . . . don’t wait until the heat of the moment”). Ms. Klein reminds kids that “many teens have decided to hold off on having [intercourse and] other kinds of sex play,” and concludes: “Am I ready... is a question that only you can answer, so take your time and talk things through with your partner if you’re thinking of taking this big step.”
“Choosing What to Do”
Here are some questions to ask yourself before you engage in any sexual behavior.
• Who is your partner?
• Do you feel safe?
• Is it consensual?
• What is your motivation?
• Is it non-exploitative?
• Are you being honest?
• Is it pleasurable?
• Is it protected?
• What does your gut instinct say?
From SIECUS pamphlet for teens called “Talk About Sex”
“A question only you can answer”—again, this is the overriding message given to your child. Adults—not necessarily parents—provide information, teens determine their “ready-or-not” status.11 Educators describe a range of intimate behaviors,12 teens decide where to draw the line.
Should parents be uncertain about their role, the “experts” provide guidance: how, when, and what to say to their teen. “Share your values,” they say, “and admit your embarrassment, and perhaps, at times, your lack of knowledge. Most important is to face the reality that your daughter will likely have sex earlier than you’d like. Remain calm, listen to her point of view, refrain from judgment, and for heaven’s sake: don’t use scare tactics!”
Planned Parenthood has a feature on their website13 called Ask Dr. Cullins. It’s an opportunity for readers to get an expert answer to their sexual health questions. Vanessa Cullins, MD, is a board-certified obstetrician/gynecologist and vice president for medical affairs at Planned Parenthood Federation of America.
Try This:
When faced with a decision try testing your gut instinct. Pick one possible choice and tell yourself it is your final decision. Keep telling yourself that for a few hours or a few days and see how you feel. Then switch to another decision. Do this as many times as there are choices. If you feel differently—whether it’s better or worse—that can tell you if you’re making the decision that is right for you.
From SIECUS pamphlet for teens called “Talk About Sex”
One question for the doctor comes from a worried mom.14 At what age, she asks, should she take her daughter to her gynecologist? They’ve talked about menstruation and sex, but is it appropriate, she wonders, to start her on birth control when she gets her period? This mom gave birth at sixteen and is “scared to death of her going through the same thing!” Her daughter is twelve.
After providing the guidelines for initial gynecologic exams—within three years of having vaginal intercourse, or at age twenty-one, whichever happens first—Dr. Cullins explains that a young woman may want to consider taking hormonal birth control prior to becoming sexually active, becau
se of health benefits such as lighter periods and reduced acne. She’ll have those benefits, and also be protected against pregnancy when that becomes a possibility.
Dr. Cullins then warns against mother and daughter sharing the same gynecologist. With sexual matters, she says, young women are often more comfortable with their own health care providers. Ask your daughter if, “now that she is older,” she wants her own nurse or doctor to take care of her. “Respect whatever decision she makes, and help her to find a caring provider.... Regardless of the provider they choose, young people should be encouraged to have their visits in private—by themselves. They should also be given every assurance that their confidences will be respected.”
Now let me see if I have this right. Here’s a twelve-year-old whose mother is already thinking about birth control for her—that’s how worried she is about a teen pregnancy. Yes, the doctor says, birth control is something your daughter may want to consider. But arrange for her own provider, mom, and during her appointment, you stay in the waiting room. Young women get to make their own decisions about sexuality, and their privacy must be respected.
If anyone needed proof of the war that is being waged over sex ed, this is it. In my opinion, the advice of Dr. Cullins—a physician at the most eminent reproductive health organization in the world—is unsuitable and worrisome.
Dr. Cullins, I don’t doubt your good intentions, but could we review your advice and discuss it, one doctor to another?
You're Teaching My Child What? Page 6