Did you get that? “A mix of either genders, genderless or another gender altogether.” This is what I mean when I say these people are going over the edge. Some people do suffer from a disorder in gender identity; they deserve understanding, compassion, and treatment. But this goes beyond Roberta becoming Robert. Another gender altogether is about becoming someone that’s neither Roberta nor Robert.
As gURL.com states on the hazards of the gender binary:When we place people into very strict categories... it makes it hard for people to truly be themselves. And by placing people into categories of “this” vs. “that,” it doesn’t leave much wiggle room. And when a lot of people do not fit into either or more than one . . . that can be lonely. It can be isolating. And, as in the Brandon Teena case, it can result in harmful incidents.
A summary of today’s lesson on being male or female: your identity is based on how you feel; those feelings may shift and evolve; there are more than two genders; assuming otherwise is oppressive and sometimes dangerous.
How Many Genders Are There?
If anyone is another gender altogether, it’s Kate Bornstein. When teens go online with questions about being a boy or a girl, they’re referred not to The Female Brain (2006), not to As Nature Made Him (2000), the book about David Reimer, but to Bornstein’s My Gender Workbook77 (1998). In fact, Heather recommended the book to “abnormal,” the troubled thirteen year old.
You might also want to hop over to your local bookstore or library and check out some books on gender identity. . . . Kate Bornstein’s My Gender Workbook is one I’d very enthusiastically recommend.
With such a rave review, how could I resist? I hopped over to Amazon, and bought the book. That’s how My Gender Workbook became our final adventure in Genderland.
Like the Cheshire Cat who vanishes and reappears—as a floating head, or just a grin hanging in the air—Kate Bornstein has had many incarnations.
Read carefully, because this is tricky. Kate (formerly Al) was born male and raised as a boy. In adulthood, he “became a woman” for a few years, then “stopped being a woman and settled into being neither.” His (her?) lover, Catherine, decided to “become a man,” David. Kate and David stayed together as a “heterosexual couple.” Their relationship ended when David found “his gay male side.”78
Kate asks, “What a whacky world, huh?”
Given Kate’s extraordinary journey, it’s not surprising that the subtitle of her (his?) 300-page manifesto is, How to Become a Real Man, a Real Woman, the Real You, or Something Else Entirely. Now firmly established in her identity as something else entirely, Kate hopes to “dismantle the ‘gender system’ on the planet as we know it.”79
On the front line of her attack are pronouns. She, he, his, and her don’t work: they support the gender binary. The English language needs gender-neutral pronouns. Instead of “he” and “she,” we have “ze” (pronounced zee). In place of “his” and “her” there’s “hir” (pronounced here).
Please take this seriously. The culture your child is in certainly does, especially the campus culture, where students who identify as neither male nor female contribute to campus diversity. Gender neutral housing and bathrooms are available on a growing number of campuses. The health clinic at Wesleyan University no longer requires students to check off M or F; instead they are asked to “describe [their] gender identity history.” Applications to Harvard’s business school allow prospective students to identify themselves as one of three genders.80 Smith, an all women’s college since the nineteenth century, now has some male alumni—they enrolled as women and graduated as men. Accordingly, students on that campus voted to eliminate female pronouns from the student constitution.81 Pronouns such as “she” and “her” were replaced with the phrase “the student.”82 At four campuses of the University of California,83 hormones and surgical sex re-assignment are covered by student insurance plans.84 The education at Sarah Lawrence includes the Gender F—k Symposium—“a week long series of programming to challenge gender assumptions, roles and stereotypes.”85 And at the University of Massachusetts, the assumption that everyone is either male or female constitutes “trans-phobia.” 86
The sooner you grasp this, the better: there’s nothing radical about gender bending at our colleges and universities. To the contrary, Kate Bornstein’s speaking calendar is packed with college events: Brown, Emory, SUNY, Yale, Northeastern, University of Minnesota,87 and University of South Florida. Her signature lecture is called “On Men, Women, and the Rest of Us.”
What’s Kate’s message to young people? In addition to the need for new pronouns, they learn that the gender system has a “deathgrip” on them, and that identifying as a boy or girl “is neither natural nor essential.”88
I think we create our identities... with a similar purpose that a crab excretes the substance that eventually hardens into a shell, its armor. It’s safe having an identity, it’s secure. It’s safe having a gender. But there’s a price for safety and security within some hard shell. We can’t grow any more. Our identities become so hard and so restrictive that we can no longer stretch and explore, we can’t find new ways of experiencing the world, new ways to delight ourselves....We’re frozen in that shell.89
Do you see how enticing this argument is to “abnormal” and other troubled souls? I can’t think of a better way to recruit kids. Who wants to live in a shell, unable to grow, stretch, and explore? Sounds like living with parents, doesn’t it? Unlike Mom and Dad, Kate understands being suffocated by stupid rules and restrictions.
Stupid rules—like having to do homework or mow the grass. Stupid restrictions—like imposing the gender binary.
I know I’m not a man . . . and I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m probably not a woman, either.... The trouble is, we’re living in a world that insists we be one or the other.90
You see, it’s the world’s fault. Kate is a victim. The crime? All cultures, legal systems, and major world religions assume people are either male or female, making her an outsider. “This has made her life, “sad and frightening,” and made her feel “alone,” as one of her friends put it.91 It’s certainly not too much to demand they all change, right now, to accommodate her.
This is upside-down. These two individuals, “Abnormal” and Kate, are unsure who they are. Abnormal, thirteen years old, concludes: something’s wrong with me, I need help. That’s healthy. Kate, sixty years old, concludes, everyone is to blame except me; she embarks on creating a world to suit her needs, a world that denies biological truths. That’s a departure from reality. And the authorities, the eminent organizations with government funding, send the girl to Kate, saying, she’s the one to help you through this.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you: Genderland is bewildering.
I want to be clear: my grievance is not with Kate Bornstein. She is free to be a “gender outlaw,” as she calls herself, and spread her way-out beliefs—although I believe she’d be more effective if she cleaned up her language. My outrage is directed at the sex ed oligarchy for directing naïve, vulnerable kids to her preposterous, debased philosophy.
Kate is right: it is a wacky world. It’s wacky for adolescents, who need stability, order, and limits, to be led into anarchy. It’s wacky for kids striving to determine their identity to be schooled in an anti-identity philosophy. Adolescents yearn to consolidate their identity; Kate seeks to unravel it. They wish to stabilize their sense of self; “she” hopes to undermine it. Their goal is to solve the mystery of “Who am I?” and progress to adulthood; “she,” well into middle age, is still wondering:The sadness that comes from being a freak is compounded by the fact that as gender outlaws . . . .We leave one identity behind, and take up another... we change identities over and over again, searching for “the one that’s going to work,” or “the real me.”. . .For nearly fifty years, I’ve been acquiring identities and abandoning them . . . .I think it’s identity itself I want to quit now.
Celebrate Who You Are?
Th
ere’s another issue to consider, that of intellectual honesty. If there’s one overarching rule of Genderland, it’s this: don’t let anyone tell you who you are. Especially not your parents. It’s your right, kids are told, to make that decision. Celebrate who you are, whether the world likes it or not.
Sounds great, until you look closer. There’s one group without that right. They know who they are—they’re certain—but it doesn’t matter.
Take, for example, the hypothetical case of Roberta. She feels trapped in the wrong body. Her sex and gender are not aligned. She wants bilateral mastectomies, testosterone shots, and other irreversible procedures for relief of her distress. Educators have compassion for Roberta’s plight. Chromosomes don’t matter, they say, it’s Roberta’s sense of herself that counts. She is to be called Robert, and her right to self-determination is respected. Even if she’s only thirteen.
Now remember Hector, from the Circle of Men? He’s attracted to members of the same sex, but it doesn’t feel right. It’s not who he really is. He chooses to struggle against the attraction, and work toward what feels genuine.
But Hector is told he’s in denial. You’re just refusing to accept who you really are, he is told. You must recognize your true identity, and stop trying to change the unchangeable. Trust us, we know. This is the proper response, say educators, even if Hector is forty years old.
Is this a bad dream? Will we wake up, like Alice did from her afternoon nap, and realize Genderland was just a curious, made-up adventure?
I’m afraid not. It’s more likely we’ll wake up and see Barbara Walters fawning over Thomas Beatie, the “man” having a second child. Or maybe not. Maybe we got used to seeing “him” the first time around. Is it still a big deal?
I think it is. Because Thomas’s image—the goatee, the flat chest, and pregnant belly, looks us in the eye and declares: Hi there. You thought I was an impossibility, didn’t you? Well, say good-bye to what you held as true. My existence creates a new reality.
Why do the sex education gurus choose to teach that “reality,” based on John Money, over the hard science of sex differences: newborns who prefer looking at a face instead of a mobile; monkeys who play with trucks and red pots?
They cling to Money for the same reason they cling to Kinsey: they like his thinking—that society places undue restrictions on our freedom of sexual expression. This has come to mean the freedom to be male, female, or—as Kate would say—something else entirely. If that’s the case, well, then anything goes. And that’s a recipe for physical and emotional disaster for our kids.
At least one leading expert recognizes this, and has the courage to say so. Dr. Paul McHugh took over as chief psychiatrist at Johns Hopkins in 1975, remaining in that position for over twenty years. After initiating a study of men who had undergone sex reassignment, Dr. McHugh shut down Money’s clinic, concluding that “sexual identity is mostly built into our constitution by the genes we inherit and the embryogenesis we undergo.” Dr. McHugh writes: “We psychiatrists . . . would do better to concentrate on trying to fix their minds and not their genitalia.”92
Science has confirmed that judgment. But so blindly devoted are these sex educators to radical beliefs, so zealous are they about “sexual freedom,” that instead of heeding authorities such as McHugh, they embrace the ideals of people like “gender outlaw” Kate/Al, sending vulnerable teens to absorb her—or is it hir?—wacky convictions.
Even the Mad Hatter would be scratching his head.
Conclusion
Sex Education for the Twenty-first Century
IT’S BEEN ALMOST FIFTY YEARS since we embarked on an adventure called sexuality education, all fired up about change and the new world it would bring: open, positive, and free. Where did it get us? From rare instances of teen infections to nine million new cases a year. From two bugs to two dozen. It got us to babies having babies, sixth graders on the pill,1 teens with cervical cancer, and to HIV and AIDS.
Some new world, huh?
Yet the lessons for your kids are the same, as if nothing’s changed since the sixties: you’re sexual from cradle to grave. Be free to decide when, how, and with whom to get it on. Explore and experiment; take a walk on the wild side. It’s a lifelong journey—“safe” travels!
You know that this philosophy can harm your kids, inside and out. Don’t allow it to go unchallenged, permitting the sex crusaders to commandeer your authority. Make it clear that in your home, you see things differently. Grab the wheel, Mom and Dad. It’s time for a U-turn.
What Parents Can Do
What can you do to optimize your child’s chance for a life of healthy sexuality?
First, beware the “hicks versus Harvard” tactic. Don’t be intimidated, because you do know what’s best for your kids. If your instincts say, “No, not for my child,” they’re probably right. Follow them, not someone who happens to have a website or a bunch of diplomas. Diplomas represent years in graduate school, not wisdom.
Value your child’s innocence. Protect her, as much as possible, from things she cannot grasp. She is not a miniature adult. She does not understand the world the same way you do.
Be “authoritative” parents with your teens, combining warmth and support with firm rules and high expectations. When you speak to your child, stay grounded in your love and common sense. Your opinions count more than you think. Tell him that sexuality is not a recreational activity, but an appetite. Healthy, of course, and wonderful, but like all appetites, only if restrained. He understands the benefits of self-discipline in many areas: sports, diet, drugs, and alcohol. Tell him sexuality is one more area—a major one—where his discipline will be well rewarded.
Teach your child that the highest goal in life is not the satisfaction of his urges. In your own lives, live by that value.
Many sex educators refer to “sex play,” and use comics, cartoons, and slang to teach young people. But you want your child to know sex is a serious matter. A single act can change her life forever. While sexuality may, as educators insist, be “central” to being human, so are many other things that have no place in the life of an adolescent.
Remember that even if he’s taking AP Math and Physics, your teen’s brain is immature. There’s an extreme makeover going on, and until the paint is dry and the fixtures secured, he could have poor judgment. Under “hot” conditions, he may rely on his “feeling”—not his “thinking”—brain. Monitor his activities, whereabouts, and friends. He’s a work in progress, and you are his scaffolding, providing support and structure. He benefits from your rules and supervision when they come from care, not distrust.
By all means, find out what your child will be taught at school. This is a daunting task, but it can be done. Recognize that there is a difference between sex ed, and HIV/AIDS prevention, and that the school may need your consent for one but not the other. Ask to see the curriculum. Where does it come from, and who will be teaching? Will material such as pamphlets, condoms, or lists of recommended websites be distributed? Check them out ahead of your child.
Take note of material related to sexual orientation and gender. There is widespread confusion about these matters, and young people who turn to sex ed authorities may end up more perplexed, not less. They may seize upon faulty ideas that can be hard for parents to refute. Remind teens struggling with these issues of the vital importance of delaying sexual activity. Proceed thoughtfully, with patience and compassion.
While acknowledging it’s not easily achieved, give your kids an ideal to strive toward. Tell them to delay sexual experiences until adulthood, and to try to keep their lifetime partners as close to one as possible. Tell them “exploring” is likely to be followed, sooner or later, by regret, while “waiting” has only benefits.
Emphasize that although certain beliefs and behaviors may be common, it’s no indication they are healthy.
Is your teen in need of a strong dose of reality? Google “STD support,” and read the posts together. Scary? Yes. Disgusting? Y
ou bet. Remind her that those characters on Sex and the City and Grey’s Anatomy are fiction. In real life, Carrie Bradshaw would have herpes. In real life, Meredith would be worried about cervical cancer. In this century, you cannot have that many “partners” without paying a price, especially if you are female.
Your child’s sex education must be grounded in biological truths. These are the indisputable findings from hard science that simply aren’t up for debate—what this book is all about. Whether popular or not, they must form the foundation for sex education in the twenty-first century.
Ignoring these biological truths has done more than cause soaring rates of distress and disease: our youth cannot appreciate or experience the depth and power of genuine intimacy. They may understand the plumbing, but they do not grasp the big picture—that sexuality is like fire. Depending on the circumstances, fire can sustain or destroy. Therefore, you don’t play with it.
Responsible adults desperately want to communicate this message. They want to articulate to young people what we’ve forever known, but has been lost in the madness: when sexuality is about fleeting urges and attractions, it is hazardous. When its place in our lives is exaggerated, it is destructive. But with the right person and at the proper time, it is transcendent and life-affirming. Those are truths our kids have the right to hear, and we an obligation to convey.
Acknowledgements
PEOPLE SAY WRITING A BOOK is like having a baby. If that’s the case, this one was a high risk pregnancy complicated by prolonged labor and an emergency C-section.by
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