by Amanda Heath
Her hand comes up and lands on the cheek she slapped, this time gently. “What you can’t seem to understand is I hurt myself as well. I left you behind and you are my other half. I’m not a whole person when I’m not with you. I feel like I’ve spent the past year and nine months looking for you when you were right here. I just didn’t know it at the time.”
“That’s the problem. I’ve always been here. I never left, you did. And everyone expects me to forgive and forget that just because you’re pregnant. That’s just not how I see it.” I reach up and wrap my hand around her wrist. I stare into her blue-green eyes and I lose a bit of myself. “You promise me, you promise me on everything you hold dear in this world that you’ll never leave me again, and I won’t ever walk out that door without telling you when I’ll be back.”
I use my other hand to wipe away a few tears leaking out of her eyes. “I promise you. I don’t ever want to leave again, no matter what happens. I’m so fucking sorry I did in the first place.”
I put my forehead on hers and I stare at her. “I won’t ever ask you to marry me again. That ship has sailed, but if you feel like having my last name, we can go to the courthouse and get married that way. But there won’t ever be another big affair like everyone else had.”
She looks sad for a second but I know it’s because she lost out on that chance. And that’s the reason I got hurt in the first place. “Maybe one day I’ll have enough courage for that.”
“I don’t care about that any more. I just want you to be with me. Living in the same house and sharing my life. It’s the same fucking deal anyway.” I don’t let her reply, I just start kissing her.
We go to the bedroom and we make love as a soft rain starts to fall outside. It’s almost like the first time we did. With the rain outside and the new way her body feels. Every touch feels like the first time and every whimper or moan from her mouth is like new music to my ears.
I missed the way she tastes and the way she is in bed. No one could ever possibly measure up to her. I was stupid the past six months. Just the way she was stupid when she left me in the first place. Somehow though I’ve learned to let it all go. I’ve learned that pain and love are one in the same. The person you love the most in the world has the power to destroy you or make you.
And Paisley Vaughn has always made me.
***
“Ohhh,” Paisley moans beside me in the early morning light.
Then I feel something kicking into my back. The feeling is strange considering it’s coming from Paisley’s stomach.
I turn over in our bed and stare down at her. With the soft light I can see a little foot imprinted under her skin. I can’t help it when I reach down to touch her there. I feel it then, something I’ve never felt before. She’s gotten to carry our kid with her for the past nine months but I have yet to feel like the kid was a real thing.
I’m going to be someone’s dad. There’s a little person in there that will put all their hopes and dreams in my hand. I’ll be responsible for all their happiness and love. It’s a humbling thing to think about. And I realize I can’t find a memory in my head that makes me more happy than right now.
“Does the baby wake you up like this often?” I ask softly, watching as my kid’s foot slides along my palm from under Paisley’s smooth skin.
“She does. She’s a very active little thing. Plus, I keep having these crazy dreams that make no sense at all. Those wake me up more than she does.” She yawns and smothers her mouth with her hand.
I know she knew what we were having but I never thought to ask. Not because I didn’t care but mostly because I didn’t want to speak to Paisley. It might be heartless of me but I wasn’t ever clear headed while Paisley and I weren’t together. Pain and remorse seemed to guide all my actions.
“So we’re having a girl?” I ask when she gets done yawning.
She smiles at me then and lifts a hand up to run through my hair. “We’re having a girl. I haven’t picked out a name yet. I wanted to do that with you.”
“I wanna name her Ashley. And I want the older Ashley to be the godmother.” I have yet to move my hand from Paisley’s stomach. I just feel so goddamn proud and I haven’t even met my daughter yet.
Paisley’s hand comes down to lay over mine. I look up at her and see her grinning at me. “Ashley will love that. And I’ve always liked the name. So Ashley Margret Southerland finally has a name.”
I raise an eyebrow. “So she gets my last name?”
She laughs and the baby kicks me again. “Well duh. She’s your daughter and just because we aren’t married doesn’t mean she should have my last name.”
I rise up a bit and smack a kiss on her lips. “That makes me incredibly happy.”
Later, after she’s fallen back to sleep, I gently get off the bed and walk into the living room. I find my pants along the way and pull out my cell phone. I almost start dialing a number but then I realize I’m naked. You really shouldn’t call your sister while you’re naked. I put my pants on then I call her.
“Oh, who is this? I seem to have forgotten just who Channing is. Damien do you know?” is how my sister answers the phone. I hear Damien’s muffled laughter in the background.
I roll my eyes. Ever since she got with him, she’s been a completely different person. One I like a whole hell of a lot more than who she was pretending to be with Victor. “You’re really funny there. I was calling to tell you some good news but since you want to be an asshole about it.”
“Wait! Now you’ve peaked my interest. Spill it all out to your sissy Ashley.” I hear her laugh but it’s followed by something Damien says.
I take a deep breath all while smiling. “Well, Paisley and I have finally put the past behind us. And she told me we’re having a girl.”
“Squee! It’s about time we get some more girls around here. What with Rach having another boy. That poor girl. I can’t imagine having to live with Courtney and then two mini little Courtney’s. Their house must be the most brooding place ever!” She giggles at herself and I find myself snorting.
“It’s actually not all that bad. But I have another little piece of info you need to hear.” She stops laughing long enough for me to tell her the rest of it. “We picked out a name. Are you ready for this?”
“Yes! Just fucking tell me already!”
I roll my eyes and spill the beans. “Ashley Margret Southerland. And you get to be the godmother.”
She screeches in my ear and I take the phone away from my face and make sure I’m not bleeding. “Jesus. Was the screeching all that necessary?”
“Yes you big idiot! This is the best news ever. There’s going to be a kid named after me. That makes me righteous!”
“You’ve always been righteous. It just took the rest of us a long time to see it. Plus, I wanted to thank you for always trying to do what’s best for me. I know I haven’t always been the best brother in the world, but I’m so happy you’ve let me make up for that.”
I hear her sniffle. Then she says, “I’m not crying unhappy tears! These are happy tears stop threatening Channing. He’s made me more happy than you today.”
I sigh as the two of them start bickering on the phone. Paisley comes out of our bedroom with a pink shirt that states, “My kid has a hot Daddy, so she already looks better than you,” and some yoga pants.
“That’s an interesting shirt,” I tell her and she smiles.
“What’s an interesting shirt?”
“Nothing Ashley. Paisley just got up so I’m gonna go. I love you and I’ll see you later.”
She sniffles again. “Love you too lil bro!” Then we disconnect.
“I take it she was happy about the name?” Paisley asks as she sits down next to me with a huge glass of milk.
I nod and place my hands on her stomach and turn her to lay against me. “She started crying and all that shit. And Damien probably threatened to kill me, so she told him I made her happier than him today. I don’t want to even imagine what
in the world she meant by that.”
“She probably meant sex.” I lean in and bite her neck for that remark. “Ouch. You bastard.”
“Don’t talk about my sister’s sex life. That’s more than I need to hear, ever.” I shudder just having one thought in my head.
Paisley giggles after taking a sip of her milk. “Can I ask you a question?”
“You can ask me anything,” I whisper into her ear.
She takes a deep breath and moves out of my arms. Then she looks at me with serious eyes. “I know I have made some serious mistakes in my life when it comes to you. But I should have seen that they were mistakes and I could have handled it all better. I should have just told you I didn’t want to get married instead of taking off and pretending I didn’t exist for an entire year.”
I lift my arms to cup her cheeks. “Baby, we need to put all that behind us. The past is the past and right now we’re so fucking happy. I want to stay that way for as long as possible.”
She smiles and moves in to put her forehead on mine. “I know, I just want us to be happier. So I was thinking we could go to the courthouse today and get married. No big fuss or anything. We’ll have to bring everybody of course because they’ll all get pissed if we do it without them.”
“Are you sure that’s what you want? I mean, I’ve wanted to marry you for like the past seven years but you have all these horrible thoughts in your head about marriage, I don’t want you to make a mistake.” I really don’t want her to hurt me again. And the only way that would happen is if she got scared and she only seems to be scared of marriage. Go figure.
She nods against me. “You want it. And I want to make up for the shit I’ve put us both through. I swear this time I’ll be standing there with you. I won’t run. And I couldn’t get very far anyway because it’s very difficult to run with this baby belly.”
I pretend to think about it for a few seconds but then I grin. “As long as you hold my hand the whole time. That way if you need to run, I can run with you.”
“Deal.”
Rachel
Don’t ask me how I ended up riding to the courthouse with Channing. I guess it’s because he was at the house getting ready since most of his clothes are still there. He was ready and I was ready so I rode with him. Court took his lunch break to go, so he came straight from the school. I’m happy I did though. I never would have made it through the day without Channing. I swear he’s my guardian angel or something. Heaven knows I need one.
We were late, probably because Channing had to stop at a gas station so I could go pee. This baby seems to want to lay on my bladder and I literally have to go every five minutes. It’s gotten incredibly inconvenient.
So I’m trying to get my fat ass out of Channing’s jag. The damn thing is so low to the ground and I’m having trouble lifting myself out. Plus, I’m wearing a dress so I can’t just throw my legs out without showing off all the goods.
Channing races around the car and I finally get out of the car by using him as a lever. I give Channing brownie points considering he didn’t make a noise while he lifted me out. No grunts or groans. Hell he didn’t even take a big breath the athletic fucker.
When we start going up the stairs is when my problems come to a head. Luckily I’m nine months pregnant and full of rage hormones, or this day could have ended a whole lot worse.
I’m looking down at the steps because I can’t see my feet and I don’t want to trip. That would be very bad. I want to get this kid out of me but not before he’s ready. And yes, I’m having ANOTHER boy. Since I plan to have only two kids, I guess I don’t get my dream of a little Rachel running around. Oh well, beggars can’t be choosers.
Channing stops me about halfway up the stairs. “Rachel, get behind me,” he says, his voice the most serious I’ve heard in a very long time.
I look up to see what’s made him this way and look straight into the green eyes of Donovan Pierce. He looks so much like my Court, or maybe it’s the other way around considering he’s the older Pierce brother. It doesn’t really matter. I see one brother when my eyes are open and the other when my eyes are closed. Only one of those is a good thing. Nightmares come with pregnancy and I’m having horrible ones thanks to the trauma this asshole inflicted on me.
“Donovan, just let us pass,” Channing says calmly, like I’m not right beside him freaking the fuck out. I want to walk right up to that asshole and punch him in the nuts, but I also want to run in the opposite direction as fast as my swollen feet can carry me.
“I’m glad to see you and Courtney worked things out,” Donovan states while we have this strange stare down. I feel my lip curl up in complete disgust. He should be glad I worked it out with Court or I’d kill him dead right here.
Channing stiffens next to me, and it’s surprising because I didn’t think he could get stiffer. It’s like the boy hasn’t taken a shit in a week. Now he’s inching in front of me like Donovan is going to pull out a gun and shoot us. The guy might be an asshole but I doubt he’s going to shoot us. I didn’t go to the cops with what he did, mainly because I know emotionally he wasn’t in his right mind. All that hate and revenge festered in his soul for five long ass years. That kind of anger can make you do unspeakable things. Donovan was a good man before Annabella walked into his life. I think both the Pierce men were amazing before that bitch became a part of them. She did things to them emotionally I just can’t understand.
Donovan’s green eyes aren’t filled with hate anymore. No, they look downright regretful and sorry. What happened was awful but it could have been so much worse. “You can say you’re sorry for what happened, Donovan. And know I forgive you but I’ll never forget and I’ll never heal from the wounds you inflicted upon me. I didn’t deserve to get pulled into your revenge. I wasn’t even around when the shit with Annabella happened.”
Donovan sighs and then he takes a step closer towards us. Channing stops inching and actually jumps in front of me. “Calm down Channing. I’m not going to do anything. I think I’ve caused enough pain for one lifetime.”
“I don’t really care. You took the trust of a great person and you used it against them. You know I can hear her whimpering and moaning in her sleep through the walls at our house. I hear what you did to her every night while she relives it.” He reaches down and grabs my hand. Maybe he can feel me shaking from the adrenaline or maybe he just needs my hand to stop his own fears. “You stay over there and we’ll stay over here. Someone will come out here eventually considering I’m supposed to be getting married right now.” And like fate is shining down on us, both our phones start ringing. Neither of us check them. If we don’t answer, our family will come out here. Either to make more phone calls or to come looking for us.
I sense it in Donovan that he just wants me to understand. I never will though. Maybe if I had been through what he did, maybe. But I didn’t and I never will. Court was a different person when he was around Annabella. She sucked all the good out of him and turned him into an awful person. The second she was out of his life, everyone started seeing the good in him. Especially me, since I’d had my eye on his gorgeous self for quite some time. I’ll never admit that aloud though, that I had fantasies about my husband before we were even together. Court’s head is already big enough.
“You think she’s actually here, Channing? What if she leaves you at the altar again? Will it finally turn you into a monster?” Donovan’s words bite but I know he just wants Channing to leave so he can say what he needs to, to me.
I put my hand on Channing’s shoulder and lift up a little bit. God he’s tall and you don’t notice that until you’re standing right behind him. “Donovan just say what you need to say. Leave Channing out of this.”
His green eyes finally look back at me and I know he truly feels bad for what he did. “I don’t know what came over me, Rachel. I just couldn’t live with it anymore. I had to do something to get it out of me. I know I handled it wrong.”
I nod. “You should
probably think about talking out your problems with the person who caused them. You and Court are brothers; it shouldn’t have been like this. He loves you and he will never understand this. I’m his fucking wife. I’m not that crazy bitch slut Annabella. And thank God for that.”
Donovan lifts up his hands and runs his fingers through his hair. “I loved her, you know? I don’t know why. Maybe all the bad in me liked all the bad in her. She always had this spell over me and I couldn’t ever see what was truly in front of me. Then Courtney got a happy life and Annabella did too.” He looks up at me with tears in his eyes. “Where’s my happy ending?”
And just like that I feel bad for my attacker. Pain, grief, anger, take your pick. They all cause us to do things we wouldn’t normally do. I’m not condoning his actions, believe me I would never do that. But I understand his actions. It would be hard to look at the happy people around you when you’re so lonely and sad. I get that. It’s the thing that made me run to Court in the first place the night I got pregnant with Asher.
“You should have been out looking for it, not dwelling on the past and present. Yeah everyone is happy. You could have been too if you weren’t out looking for revenge. I hate it for you, I really do. But only you can fix it, not me. All I can do is forgive you. And I do, I promise that I do. But I, along with everyone else, will never let you be a part of this family. You could have been happy with all of us, but now you get left out in the cold. Because I promise you that no one else will ever forgive you.” I feel a tear slip out of my eye because I do feel bad for him. We can blame it on pregnancy but that simply isn’t true. This man had his future ripped from him by the two people he loved the most. That would make anyone crazy, but where others would be strong and move on the right way, Donovan didn’t.
I move around Channing. He looks down at me and nods. I move up the stairs slowly, headed straight for Donovan. He looks surprised yet scared. I don’t really blame him. He should be scared of me. I have a lot of anger inside of me because of this man.