Breathe Again

by Bonnie R. Paulson

  “Sold? It seems so fast, doesn’t it?” Brodan looked at me and ignored the glare Ryan threw his way.

  “I thought so too. The person has an odd contingency too. If I’m not out in six days, it’s off.” I shrugged and sipped my drink.

  “Six days? Strange. Must be one of those eccentric Californians. Did you accept it?”

  Ryan coughed, seeming to choke on the pizza until he chugged from his glass.

  “Yeah. How could I turn down the asking price? You can always go down but you can never go up.”

  “So, what are you going to do? Where are you moving to? Do you need help with your stuff?” Ryan joined the conversation, earning a glare from his brother. He pointed a finger at Brodan and grinned. “I can offer free labor.”

  “I have no idea. I just decided to sell it this morning, and I sold it this afternoon. I don’t know if that happens often?” When neither man offered an opinion, I continued, “I thought people got thirty days or so for closing. I have six days.” Once again, the pizza’s appeal disappeared.

  “How abo—”

  “Nowhere to go? That sucks. What about your parents or friends?” Brodan overrode his brother, his voice deep with concern. I’d rather he not act like he cared…

  “My parents don’t live close enough for commuting to work and—” I stared at my plate, willing to say the truth but unable to face it, “—I ran all my friends off when Dean died.”

  “We’re your friends,” Ryan all but yelled, trying to sound out his brother. His voice echoed against the house. Brodan and I looked at him. Brodan hadn’t said anything and Ryan’s face flushed when he realized what he’d done. “I mean, we’re your friends. You didn’t run us off.” He looked at Brodan. “Right, Brodan?”

  Brodan cleared his throat and watched his plate while he picked at an abandoned olive with his fork. “Right.”

  I almost did, I wanted to say, thinking about how Brodan and I had been toward each other. “Yeah. Thanks, guys. But what does that do for the next six days?” A thought occurred to me and I laughed, a real, solid laugh like I hadn’t done in a long time. “Or are you suggesting I move in with you?” But the laughter quieted to a chuckle, then faded completely when Ryan’s face didn’t reflect any of the amusement that shook my body.

  “Why not?” He narrowed his eyes and pointed at the house. “We have plenty of room. There’s a small apartment-style area in the north wing. If it’s a money thing, we can make an arrangement. It doesn’t have to be permanent.”

  I glanced at Brodan, his face neutral and uninformative. “Do you hear what he’s saying?” Incredulity swarmed my words. I turned back to Ryan. “Are you serious? Move in here with you? How would that even work?” Spinning to Brodan, I attacked him, my emotions crowding out my rationale. “You can’t even be honest with me.”

  His eyes widened when he looked at me. Ryan, too, stared my way.

  “Don’t seem so shocked. I have to know what would happen. What if you and I—” I waved a line between Brodan and me, “—like each other? Do you think being friends will be doable under the same roof? You have way too many expectations and I don’t know what I’d do if I let you down. Let you both down.” Deflated, I dropped my hands to my lap and looked off in the distance.

  “So…Is that a yes or a no?” Ryan’s dogged persistence took me by surprise.

  I glanced at Brodan before focusing everything on Ryan. “Are you serious? Because I don’t get it. What are the rules? Do I have to do what Brodan says?” I directed my words toward the older brother, frustrated with being told I couldn’t want him, mad due to my body’s inability to ignore his proximity. “Well, do I? This is your house and I don’t want to get in trouble if I’m walking from the bathroom after a shower. Heaven forbid I run into one of my friends and…” I had their attention. The two brothers stared at me and I could see each was thinking about what I’d said, pondering the possibility a little too close. I balled up my fist and playfully socked Ryan’s shoulder.

  Brodan looked at me, desire curling in his eyes, and I wished I’d kept my mouth shut. I pictured the incident and it left me with an overheated sensation.

  I needed to extricate myself from the situation and fast. “You guys are dirty. I just meant what if our privacy is lost or what if…I don’t know.” I glanced at Ryan in complete seriousness. “Are you sure? Because I don’t have a lot of options sitting in front of me at the moment, and I’m thinking about it now.”

  “I’m serious. We’re serious, right, Brodan?” He didn’t wait for Brodan to reply, instead he stood, waving for me to follow.

  Curious to see what he wanted and knowing I wouldn’t be surprised if it involved more food, I stood. I looked at Brodan in question, but he watched his food and I gave up after a few seconds.

  “Come on, Maggie.” Ryan grabbed my arm. We walked in through the kitchen and bypassed the boxes of cooling pizza. Down a hallway I hadn’t seen on my last visits, we passed large windows covered in filmy brown curtains set among light oak paneling.

  At the end of the hall, after passing numerous closed rooms, we stood before a double set of doors. Ryan moved aside after pushing the right one open, waving with a flourish for me to lead the way.

  I stepped inside to the refreshing sight of bright warm colors accessorizing the oak accents. A large bay window bedecked with a bench seat, cushioned in red, yellow and cream pillows beckoned for me to relax and view the reckless mountain landscape.

  Plush and creamy, a rug covered just over half of the shiny hardwood floor. Standing open, a door led the way through the far wall where a fraction of a large bathroom lay just beyond with a tiled floor and what looked to be a jetted tub inside.

  “There’s a walk-in closet over here, laundry is just down the hall and you can use the kitchen or any of the common rooms whenever you want. We have plenty of storage room too.” Ryan stood behind me.

  I closed my eyes and inhaled through my nose. Oranges and lemons mixed with the brisk scent of cedar. No coppery smell, nothing seemed to be burning in here, spent gunpowder had no place in the atmosphere. I smiled. I might finally be free of the memories.

  “Should we continue this conversation with Brodan?” I turned to face him. He looked torn, as though he anxiously awaited my answer yet, wasn’t sure he wanted to hear it. “Ryan, I don’t want this to ruin our friendship. I need you tell me what you expect.” I bit my lip. His answer would decide my answer.

  He looked at the floor, the slump of his shoulders forlorn. A lighthearted expression barely covered the anguish and he raised his gaze. “It’s just me and Brodan here. We haven’t let anyone else into our lives in…well, ever. I don’t want to lose you so soon.” Ryan waved his hand between us. “I don’t expect anything from anyone. Least of all you. I just hope we can be friends. Like girlfriends.” He looked at his chest. “Well, minus the breasts.”

  I walked forward to steal a hug. His thin frame, while tall and designed to be strong, seemed frail in that moment.

  He grinned, returning my hug, turning us in the process out the door. “Let’s tell Brodan the good news.” Ryan leaned in close to whisper, “I think we could have a lot of fun with this—torturing Brodan.”

  This was going to prove to be an interesting household. It would be best if I could keep my hands to myself.

  “I’m paying rent,” I said when I sat down in my prior seat.

  Brodan scowled and Ryan grinned.

  Chapter Eight

  I pushed the door open with my shoulder, jostling the box I carried from the kitchen. The plates tinkled inside. I’d rented a storage unit to hold the main furniture and decided to donate the pieces I didn’t care about to a local charity.

  The decision to move in with the boys hadn’t come with difficulty. The temptation to have things watched over and my responsibility minimized had more pull than I would have guessed possible.

  We’d agreed to a reasonable rent amount, which included the apartment Ryan had showed me and part o
f the garage. Utilities, garbage, water and phone included. I suspected they couldn’t care less about the pittance I offered. My self-respect, however, demanded that I pay something. How would it appear if I stayed for free? Like they were getting something rather than money for room and board.

  The van’s side door stood open, almost spilling over with the boxes, luggage and miscellaneous items I’d crammed inside. The brothers had taken a load in the work truck to the storage unit and I had only these items remaining to move to my new place.

  I laughed out loud, the sound spontaneous and joyful. Finally, I’d be leaving Dean behind to bug someone else. I had three days until the closing date. But Ryan and Brodan had suggested it’d be better to get it done so I wouldn’t be rushed at the end. I had to admit, they had a point.

  Tossing the final box in the van, I slammed the side door shut, glancing at the place I’d dwelt in sorrow and guilt for far too long.

  The house looked at me. I stopped climbing in the van and stared back. We considered each other. I tried to drum up sadness about moving out, separation anxiety, anything, but nothing came. Just relief. The windows, like eyes, had a look of loss. It’d been through quite a bit in the last few years and now it seemed its only ally had decided to abandon it. Poor thing.

  The thought didn’t stop me from humming with the song on the radio. I closed the door and drove out of the driveway.

  Brodan had grunted in agreement to our plans as we talked over the pizza about moving in. He had been serious about keeping his distance. Over the past few days he had done what we’d wanted and participated halfheartedly. His silence remained constant. I didn’t know whether to be excited or worried.

  When I drove up to the house, the truck’s absence relieved me. I grabbed a random box resting on the front seat beside me and abandoned the van for the moment. Using my new key to enter the front door, I followed the hallway down to my room. Its refreshing colors and inviting layout welcomed me home. A large bed stood sentinel against the side wall and after I opened a window in the bay configuration, I collapsed onto the tall mattress.

  Breathing a sigh of relief, I sank farther into the pillow-top, relaxing in the clouds of comfort it offered. The ceiling remained blank. No gray or red pictures flashed across. I avoided that train of thought, preferring not to dare them into a cinematic display. I rolled onto my side, enjoying the new scenery.

  “Oh, I love this…” I moaned, rolling onto my other side. A new start. I had new memories to make in the bathroom, kitchen, dining room and garage.

  I sat up. Crap. The garage. I forgot to get rid of his vehicle. Lying back, I considered my options. I wouldn’t get much for his rig in a relative sense. Only about ten thousand. What to do? Rather than deal with the stupid thing, I decided to leave it there for the new owners.

  I breathed deep, such a good feeling when things fell off the to-do plate.

  So I’d leave anything else there I’d forgotten.

  A walk around the grounds seemed the best thing at the moment. Ryan had mentioned quite a few acres. I didn’t plan on covering them all, but a walk down to the water might be the right direction.

  Using the back door to exit the house, I wandered down the porch steps onto the manicured grass. The air smelled crisp, even in the midday heat.

  I swung my arms in sync with my open gait. Green everywhere, in different hues and tones, denied the dryness of the season.

  The first trees were a few spaced far apart. The farther I walked the thicker they grew, thinning again in a sudden revelation. Water, glassy and clear, spread from the shores nearest me to the other side.

  My steps faltered. I’d never seen anything like it.

  Green grass grew right up to the water’s edge. A stream from the north somersaulted toward the pond. Sunlight sparkled across the bright rolls, achieving a rippleless effect. On the western side, about five yards from where I stood, another stream allowed the water to exit in a quiet escape tumbling over rocks and logs.

  Short water grass grew along the bottom. The shadow of a small fish whizzed past and turned by the northern stream’s inlet. From somewhere above my head, a bird’s twittering call sounded.

  I breathed the clean air in, imagining as I exhaled the bad air leaving my body. A renewal had been handed to me. A chance without expectations seemed just right.

  A twig snapped from behind. I froze. Bears were common in this part of the state and Brodan and Ryan just might like their privacy enough to keep some as pets.

  “Do you always walk into the woods alone?” Brodan’s voice chilled my spine. He sounded like a man on the brink. The edge I just couldn’t see.

  I replied with caution. “It’s safe, isn’t it?” I had been safe until he arrived, bringing with him a brewing storm and me with no rain gear.

  “Look at me.” The sound so soft, so appealing, while still wrapped in a husky warning tone, was like lace and gravel.

  I turned to him, my guard up. His face, tight, flushed in the heat.

  “What?” The poles of my body reached toward him. I hated my response. Hated that I wanted more than he did, my interest in him obviously greater than his.

  “You know what.” He stepped to me, our chests touching. Cupping my jaw, he tilted my face to his and brought our lips together in a simple match.

  My mouth flamed. Heat tore down my neck and into the surfaces of my limbs. My chest strained against his while his tongue melded with mine in a heated dance I couldn’t get enough of. My hands moved of their own accord to grasp his solid sides and a pool of warmth collected in my stomach.

  A moan escaped me. Brodan yanked away, holding me at arm’s length. He gasped. For once, the impenetrable Brodan’s shield slackened and the desire in his gaze echoed in my ravaged body.

  Closing his eyes, he continued to grip my arms, keeping me a safe distance away.

  I too gasped the mountain air. At the moment, lightheaded and a little shaky, I didn’t question why he’d stopped. Instead, I attempted my own recovery. The chance I’d be able to do more than try to breathe doubtful.

  As reality rushed to the forefront, I began to laugh. The chuckles climbed to near hysteria before morphing into a sob. Tears poured from my eyes, trickling down my cheeks in a silent run to get away from my head.

  I turned away from the concern in his expression. Shoulders shaking, I walked on wobbly legs to a log a few feet from our clandestine spot. Collapsing onto the deadened, rough surface, I wrapped my arms around my knees, dropped my head onto the pillow they formed and cried. My choked sounds were louder in the quiet clearing than they’d be elsewhere. Emotion overpowered me and I turned my face so he wouldn’t see. But my panting hid little and I gave up the fight. I lost it.

  His hand on my shoulder didn’t help matters. “Maggie, I’m sorry.” His husky voice scalded like vinegar on a burn.

  “For what?” I bit out, swallowing against the ball in my throat. “For kissing me? Making me like it? Or shoving me away?” My head stayed in my arms. Why further my embarrassment? Discretion had no residence in my armor. One chance to kiss him, after barely a week of craving him, and I messed it up. Of course he found me lacking. Why would a guy like him be into someone like me?

  The thought stung like a slap to the face.

  He sat beside me, his hands hanging between his legs. I watched him through the reddish curtain of my hair.

  “For…all of it?” He sighed.

  Wrong answer. “That bad, huh?” I lifted my head and stared at the pond, unable to see the beauty in its simple lines and innocent setting. He’d ruined the scenery for me. All I could think about was the heat from his lips on mine.

  “Yeah, right.” He laughed, the tone suggesting he directed it at himself. “It’s all I can do not to devour you here and now.” Passion whispered beneath his sardonic tone.

  Somewhat mollified that he wanted to “devour” me, I turned my head to look at him, try to figure him out.

  “We could try this. Take a stab at it.
We wouldn’t leave Ryan out of anything.” The helplessness of the situation overtook me. “I’ve never felt this before.” I ran my hands in the air between us.

  “You and I should be more cautious.” He offered a weak smile. “You just moved in, Maggie. Do you think it’s smart to live with a person you want to date?”

  “I don’t know. I’ve never lived with anyone but my husband and I hated that. What’s wrong with trying something new? I want to go on one date. Just one.” I hated begging, but his jaw was clenched so tight, like the night in the hospital when he protected Ryan from being disturbed. Impassive, he’d shut out any options but his own.

  “What do we do if we find we don’t feel what we think we feel?” Though logical, his reasoning fell short with each glance he stole at my lips. He’d kissed me.

  Maybe it was my turn to kiss him.

  Before the moment could disappear, I leaned over, careful not to lose my balance and fall against him. My gaze fell to his lips, flicking to his eyes and falling back to the full bottom bow. I licked my lips, centimeters from him.

  He backed away, but the hunger he’d created demanded I follow. My arms separated and I crawled toward him. He slipped from the tree to sprawl on the ground in his attempt to escape. Brodan’s arms supported him from behind and he sat in a semi-sitting position.

  Between his spread legs, I grabbed the buttons of his shirt and leaned into the kiss. Half of my weight I held but the remainder I cuddled into his chest.

  Our lips met and the hunger thrived without the aid of timber or fuel.

  As the kiss took control and my mind clouded over, Brodan lowered us to the ground and my body lie half on and half off him. His hands traveled from my lower back to the side of a rib, his caress soft and enchanting. Our lips fused and somehow I registered when his hands moved up to cradle my face, curve around my neck, hold me to him. Deep. Our breath melded together. We breathed as one.

  Breaking apart in a natural way, no struggling against the need, I rested my head on his chest, his beating heart thumping against my cheek.