“You just might be my new best friend,” Julie joked. “I’m not married, but I’m engaged. We’ve been dating for about two years. Graham wanted to come tonight, but I was afraid it would be too much testosterone at one table. He’s great though. He’s a policeman. He won Evan over when he let him sit in his squad car.”
“I bet. Isn’t that every little boy’s dream?” When Julie stood up to let Evan out for the playground, Ella was appalled to realize she had consumed half of her meal without noticing. Apparently she had gotten so comfortable with Julie that she chatted on while eating. She could only hope that she hadn’t talked with her mouth full. Declan put his hand on her leg and gave it a small squeeze. She put her hand on top of his and leaned into his side.
Julie took her seat as Evan ran off to play. She looked at Declan inquiringly. “I think that went pretty well?”
Nodding, Declan said, “Yeah, he seems like a good kid.”
Smiling with obvious pride, Julie agreed. “I don’t know how to put this so I’ll just be direct and ask what your intentions are now? God, I know that sounds medieval, but you know what I mean.”
Ella felt Declan squeeze her leg tighter as he said, “I hate to come off sounding like an asshole Julie, but I can’t just take your word for something like this. There’s no arguing the fact that there is some resemblance between Evan and me, but I don’t want to have any doubts about something this important.”
Far from being offended, Julie smiled and said, “I never expected anything different. It was a long time ago and this is major. If you have any interest in seeing Evan again, I would insist on a paternity test. I don’t think you would be able to form a relationship with him without the piece of paper that proves you are his biological father. Since I work at the hospital, I can easily arrange for that to be done if you’d like.”
He reached in his back pocket and pulled a business card from his wallet. “Just give me a call with the details and I’ll be there. After the results are back, we’ll go from there, if that’s okay with you.”
“Sure, that’s fine. If you guys want to take off now, that would probably be for the best. Evan might start asking which kid is yours if you stay any longer.”
Ella slid out of the booth and waited for Declan to follow. They both saw Evan wave good-bye to them before he ran toward the slide with another little boy. She couldn’t help but think of how much his life would change soon when the man beside her proved to be his father. Come to think of it, all of their lives were bound to change and Ella could only hope it was for the better.
Chapter Fourteen
Declan was quiet on the ride home. Ella thought it was probably best to call it an early night and head to her own apartment. She knew he had a lot on his mind and probably just needed some time alone. When they stepped out of the car, she opened her mouth to tell him she was going home. Before she could utter one word, he had her pressed against the door and was devouring her mouth as if they hadn’t just kissed a few hours earlier.
She moaned low in her throat as he turned and walked her backwards to the elevator. His hand was now firmly gripping her butt, pulling her up against his arousal. He was always a very skilled lover, but had been gentle with her. This, however, was something different, more intense. Through careful maneuvering and a lot of good luck, they managed to make it into his apartment without breaking contact. He pushed her against the door as it closed. His lips branded her throat as his hands unzipped first his slacks and then hers. She kicked hers aside when they bunched around her ankles, suddenly feeling the same urgency that Declan seemed to be feeling.
Still without speaking a word to her, he picked her up and she wrapped her legs around his waist. With her back braced against the wall, he took her breath away as he plunged into her hard and deep. She could feel the sweat beading on his forehead when he leaned against her and paused to let her adjust to his invasion. When she wiggled against him, wanting more, his control snapped. Gone was the man who was usually so patient and gentle with her and in his place was a man bent on possessing and consuming her. Part of her knew that she should be afraid of something this wild and raw, but the other part of her was thrilled with Declan’s loss of control. She could feel her body racing toward an orgasm so strong, she didn’t know how she would keep from shattering into a million pieces. As if sensing she was on the edge, he angled his hips so that every stroke skimmed her clit. One more deep plunge and she exploded around him riding the waves of pleasure unlike any she had known before. He continued to move inside of her until finally with a hoarse shout, her spasms pushed him over the edge as well.
Somehow, they ended up on the floor in a tangle of limbs and clothing. She was sprawled against his chest and his feet were still trapped inside of his pants. His heart continued to race against her ear as they both gasped for breath. “Ellie . . . you okay?”
“Mmmm hmmm . . .”
“Fuck me . . . I didn’t mean to be that rough with you. I just . . . lost it. I’m sorry, baby.”
“For what?” She murmured drowsily, “I’m not sorry at all. I liked it, all of it.”
Declan raised her head, looking at her in surprise. “You did? I figured I scared the hell out of you.”
Shaking her head, she said, “I might not have much experience, but I love it when you let go. You don’t have to worry about me, I . . . I seem to like what you like, and I hope we do it again.” She felt his chest rumble at her confession. Was he laughing? Maybe you were supposed to be a little less enthusiastic after rough and tumble sex. She didn’t want him to worry about her though, and she wanted to make sure it happened again.
“Oh Ellie, I love that I never know what in the hell you’re going to say or do next. Let’s get off the floor and see if we can hobble to the shower. If you’re a good girl, I might have an encore in me tonight.”
Grinning, Ella asked, “What if I’m a bad girl?”
Declan slapped her naked butt saying, “Then I guarantee I’ve got something else for you.”
And he did . . .
* * *
Ella woke from a sound sleep with her heart racing. Something was wrong. What had startled her awake? Suddenly, the shout came again, followed by frantic movements from the man beside her. His voice echoed off the walls of the apartment as he screamed, “Craig! It’s a trap, stop! Craig, fucking stop, stop!”
She turned on her bedside lamp and, even though his eyes were wide open, he continued on, wrapped in some unseen terror. She caught a whiff of alcohol and remembered that he had left her in bed after making love the second time. He’d needed some extra time to relax and she had drifted off before he came to bed. Was he drunk?
She didn’t stop to think, she acted on pure instinct needing to comfort the distraught man. She attempted to put her arms around him whispering softly, “Declan, it’s okay, it’s me . . .”
He recoiled at her touch before he shoved her away so hard her head banged against the headboard and she saw stars. By the time she had her bearings back, he was pacing on the other side of the room looking more confused than anything. She didn’t dare approach him again. Instead, she started softly calling his name, over and over. It took several minutes, but she could see the dream loosening its grip on him as he slowly came back to her.
“What the . . . ?” He looked around as if trying to figure out what was going on. Horror crossed his face as he whispered, “Oh God, it happened didn’t it?”
She wasn’t surprised to find out that this was apparently a common issue for him. She didn’t think someone could have such a violent dream only once. There had to be some kind of memory causing it. “Who’s Craig?”
Flinching as if she had struck him, he turned away from her. “Just an old friend.”
“What happened to him? You said something about a trap?”
“Just leave it, Ellie!”
Ella felt like he had slapped her. He never took that kind of tone with her and she had no plans to leave it alone. “Well, excuse
me, but I think I deserve to know since you almost knocked me unconscious over it.”
All of the anger drained from his body instantly and his head rolled back. “Oh fuck. Oh Ellie, baby, I’m sorry.” Walking to her side of the bed, he sank down on the bed and cradled her gently against his body. The smell of alcohol was stronger now, but his words were clear with no slurring. “What happened? I don’t remember anything until I woke up pacing.”
Snuggling into his warmth, she said, “You were screaming about Craig and something about him stopping because it was a trap. I tried to put my arms around you, which I know now isn’t the smartest thing to do when someone is having a nightmare. You pushed me away and I . . . bumped my head a little.” At his look of concern, she quickly added, “It was nothing, really, I’m fine.”
Ignoring her attempts to placate him, he asked, “Where did you hit your head?” He was already feeling along her scalp, looking for injuries. When his fingers found the tender spot, she couldn’t hide her wince. He cursed under his breath, but she knew it was directed inwardly and not at her.
“It’s nothing, really. I barely hit it on the headboard.”
He rubbed it gently before pulling away. “Let me get you some ice for it.”
She grabbed his wrists to stop him. “No, please, just hold me for a while. I think we both need it.” Obviously torn, he finally gave in and pulled her to him before rolling over and settling her on his chest. She felt his lips brush against her hairline as he whispered, “I’m so sorry baby. It kills me that I hurt you of all people. I’m so damn sorry.”
She put her fingers over his mouth, “Shhh, don’t. You were asleep and I made a dumb mistake. I scared you and you reacted. Anyone would have done the same thing. I’m really fine. I would like to know about Craig though. I think you need to talk about it.”
He expelled a long breath and just when she thought he wasn’t going to answer her question, he started talking quietly. “Craig and I were stationed together in Afghanistan. He was on the last leg of his one and only tour. His wife had just had a baby and he was only weeks away from getting out of that hell to be with his family. He had a good job lined up, courtesy of her father, and they were going house hunting just as soon as he made it back. He had everything in front of him and the worst hell he would ever face almost behind him.” Pausing, he tightened his grip on her, as if looking for comfort. “Ellie . . . you have to understand how things were there. You learn to harden yourself to the stuff you see. Sometimes you lose the part that makes you human. On the worst days, we saw men and women just blow themselves to pieces for a chance to inflict some damage on us. Worse yet were the faces of all of the kids. Some visibly hurt and wandering around without parents. Some starving, but still so damn happy they would smile at you. Every time I thought I couldn’t be shocked anymore, something would happen to just fucking slay me. You learn though to push it away. You focus on the job because that’s all that keeps you sane. Sometimes I’d work for days at a time just to keep from sleeping because the dead always found me then. You can run like hell, but you can’t escape your dreams.”
Ella pushed her fist against her mouth, trying to hold back her sobs at the despair she heard in his voice. She wanted to take him in her arms and hold him until the horrors that still haunted him were pushed away. Instead, she listened quietly as he continued to talk, almost like he had forgotten she was there. Once the words started, he couldn’t seem to stop the flow. Had he ever talked to anyone about all of this before?
“You start to see death as part of a daily routine. Just another nameless face. Some of the guys would even joke about it. It wasn’t that they were heartless; it was just how they coped with something that no one should ever have to see. Mainly, I suspect, they laughed to keep from breaking down and crying. There were some good days too. We were a brotherhood, and we always will be. There wasn’t a man in our group who wouldn’t take a bullet for one of his brothers, still would. Weeks of good days though could be blown all to hell by one bad day. A bad day there meant someone was dead.” As if remembering her presence, he looked down saying, “This may be more than you wanted to hear, Ellie . . . why don’t we just leave it for another time?”
Ella wasn’t about to let go now that she was finally getting some insight into his past. She ran a hand down his handsome face, feeling the stubble that was already forming there. Somehow that just made him more appealing. Her hand continued on to his biceps tracing the tattoo there. “What does Semper Fi mean?”
With a husky voice he answered, “Always faithful. Pretty damn ironic isn’t it considering I just found out I’ve got a kid from a one-night-stand.”
“I think it fits you perfectly. The women who passed through your life probably weren’t looking for a commitment any more than you were. Did you ever make any type of promises to them at all?”
Shaking his head, he said, “No, never. I was always very upfront.”
“Then stop ripping yourself to shreds over it. Because of who you are, it bothers you. You use it as a reason to question your integrity. I bet those in your brotherhood would say different. I . . . I want to hear the rest of the story if you can. I think you need to tell me about Craig because it’s tearing you apart.” When he started to shake his head, she added, “Please, for me.”
He sighed and continued. “Craig was just a kid. He decided to join the military to have his schooling paid for. He didn’t come from money and he was engaged to a girl that did. He wanted to prove himself to her and her family and he thought the military would do that. Hell, maybe he watched one too many recruiting commercials, who knows. He was just so young and idealistic. They got married right before he shipped out and he rode that high for a while. He got pretty lucky and didn’t see active duty until the last part of his term. His wife had gotten pregnant during one of his trips home and he was on top of the world. There was a light at the end of the tunnel and he thought he could handle anything thrown his way at that point. A lot of the guys were on their second tour like me and we were just used to turning away and shutting down when things got bad.”
“But not Craig,” Ella said softly.
“No, not Craig,” Declan agreed. “He wanted to save everyone. We all covered him as best we could. It was understood if Craig was with you, you looked out for him. We were all pretty battle weary, but damn we all got attached to him. No matter what everyone said to the contrary, when he started reading letters from home, we stopped to listen. Having someone so full of life was contagious. There was no jealousy that his tour was almost up. We were all excited for him. My favorite saying each day was, ‘Watch each other’s back and don’t do anything stupid.’ Craig used to tease me about how motivating my speeches were. I’d flip him off and he’d just laugh. You’d have liked him, Ellie.”
She smiled, “I know I would have.”
“One day we were patrolling the border. A task we had all done many times before. It was pretty routine. We had a local woman come through. Everything was in order so she passed on through. A few feet later, she stopped her car and got out. My gut clenched when she looked around like she was checking our positions. She fell against her car as if in pain. I knew something was wrong. After you had been there a while, you tended to develop a second sense where trouble was concerned. I started motioning everyone back, indicating possible trouble. I turned to say something to Craig who had been right beside me and he wasn’t there. We all saw him run toward the woman at the same time and it was like everyone froze for a moment in horror. I started yelling at him to stop, that it was a trap and, I swear, he turned back to me and smiled as if I was overreacting. I remember running toward him and then the world just broke apart. I was in the hospital for a few weeks with a pretty bad head injury and a few broken bones. I was lucky though, Craig went home in a casket.”
“Oh God,” Ella gasped.
In a voice thick with emotion, Declan said, “I couldn’t save him. He was on my watch and I let him down. I cost him his fuck
ing life.”
Wrapping herself around him, she said, “No baby, you didn’t. He made that choice. I know you well enough to be sure that you had lectured him time and again about the dangers there.”
Turning haunted eyes on her he rasped, “It wasn’t enough Ellie. Now there is a wife without a husband and a child without a father. If I had only been sharper, faster, I could have saved him. I should have never let him out of my line of sight!”
“Declan, stop! You can’t shoulder the blame for what happened. Craig joined the military knowing the risks just like you did. It sounds like he had a huge heart and wanted to save everyone regardless of the risk to himself. Don’t take that away from him. He probably saw things daily that shook his faith in the world, but he still hung on to his humanity, his basic need to believe that people are good and worth saving. Even though it was a trap, let his last act of selflessness and bravery stand in honor of him. There had to have been a split second when he questioned his actions, but his need to be who he was eclipsed all rational thought.” Running her hand through his hair and caressing his scalp, she asked, “What happened after that?”
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