“We’re thinking about you.” Curtis reached out and touched his arm. “Take care of your family and let us know if you need anything.”
“I think we’re just about done with everything.” That evening they’d bury Hector’s ashes back on the property. “I should be back to school on Monday.” Several of them stood, getting ready to leave and head back to work. Cora and Sawyer walked toward him. “Thanks for being here,” Matt said as Cora’s arms circled him, hugging him tight.
“I’m so sorry, Matt. He was a great man.”
“He was.” Matt turned toward Sawyer. “Hi.”
Sawyer smiled at him, but it was bittersweet, tinged with sadness. “I’m so sorry, Matt. I didn’t know him well, but he was very kind to me.”
Just then Elena walked up to them, and Sawyer hugged her. “Thank you all for coming,” she said to the table, taking Sawyer’s hand in hers. “Mateo speaks of you all with such respect and love.”
“We think the world of your grandson,” Curtis told her. “Matt, take care of them.”
“Will do. I’ll see you all on Monday.”
“Mateo.”
Matt looked up from his phone. Saturday morning, and he was planning on heading back to his house after lunch. “Yes, Grandma?”
She beckoned at him, and he followed her into their bedroom. She stood by their closet. “I’m going to clean again this week. Is there anything in here you want?”
Matt stood still. He’d thought that placing his grandfather’s ashes into the ground the night before had been the hardest thing he’d ever done, but now, standing in front of their closet, he felt like someone had kicked him in the stomach. “Um, yeah.”
Reaching out, Matt picked up Hector’s favorite cowboy boots and set them down on the bed. He took a couple work shirts and a fancy guayabera shirt he wore on special occasions. An old straw hat that had seen better days and a big silver belt buckle. “What are you doing with the rest?”
When Matt turned around, he saw her crying, the first time she’d shed tears in front of him all week. Putting the hat and buckle down on the bed, Matt reached out and hugged her.
Elena wiped her eyes. “There's people out there that can wear these. No need for them to sit in here not being used, just making me sad. But it makes me happy, knowing some of these things will be with you for many years to come.
That night, he lay in bed and looked at the belt buckle he’d set on his night stand. What if he kept it for fifty years? Would anybody want it? Would there be anyone in his life who would ask for it, cleaning out his possessions after he passed?
Unable to stop these thoughts, Matt rolled over and closed his eyes again, willing himself to fall asleep.
May
State assessment season was upon them, and everybody seemed to feel the pressure. Extra tutoring sessions, reviewing content from the beginning of the year that somehow the students didn’t remember any of, and more after school meetings. The teachers all seemed a little twitchier, lunchroom conversations filled with worries and concerns about how their kids would perform. “Gregg talked about some Saturday tutoring sessions for Reading, but I think it’s too late for that,” Felipe said. “They know it or they don’t. We’re not going to get much more in them.”
“I’ve seen a sort of glassy look on some faces this morning.” Alicia dragged her fork through her microwaved meal. “What about you, Matt? How are your kids looking?”
He shrugged. “My eighth-grade classes always worry me, and then they pull it out in the end. We’ll see this year.” Taking a bite of his sandwich, he added, “Me being gone a week didn’t help.”
“That couldn’t be helped.” Kristine rested her hand on his arm. “Though I know Dorothy was a little worried, being gone so long in the beginning.”
“Sawyer did a good job,” Steve said. “They got a solid foundation.”
“Still, she’s going to worry, it’s only natural.” Alicia looked over at Matt as if they wanted to ask a question, but in the end the room fell silent, everyone eating quietly.
On the first day of testing, he spotted Sawyer walking out of the front office, talking to Daisy. Taking a deep breath, he walked over to them. “Hey.”
“Hi Matt.” Sawyer carried a bucket of supplies. “Looks like I’m helping with attendance.”
“I bet they’re glad to get you.” On these special testing days all they assigned every teacher special testing duties and brought extra people onto the campus to help with other duties. Matt heard his name being called. Turning his head, he saw Clint waving him down. “I’d better go, but…”
“Yeah,” Sawyer answered. “I’ll see you around.”
Lunchtimes during testing usually provided some entertainment. Everyone’s lunch schedule was different, so Matt walked into the lunchroom and saw a few unfamiliar faces, people who he rarely ate with.
And of course, Sawyer had this lunch. He and Cora settled on the far end of the table, deep in conversation when Matt walked in. Fuck, Matt thought to himself as the atmosphere of the room changed and everyone quieted. So much for avoiding office gossip. “Got room for one more?” he asked, opening the fridge and taking out his insulated bag.
Keith Page waved him over, pointing at the empty seat next to him. Matt sat down and pulled out his sandwich. “How is it looking?”
“My kids are almost done,” Stella Day said, and everyone groaned. Being done first was never a good thing, as it meant the kids sped through the test and now you had to keep them quiet for the rest of the afternoon. Matt’s group seemed to move at a good pace. They split the students alphabetically, so he didn’t know all of them, but they seemed respectful enough and he knew Sylvia worked hard this year to get the curriculum ‘through their thick skulls one way or another.’
Daisy walked in to get a drink from the soda machine, heading over to Sawyer when she sighted him. “Hey, I saw you were at the coast in your last video. Did you have a good time?”
He nodded. “Oh yeah, the fishing was great. Different from where I’m from, but a lot of fun.”
“Got any upcoming plans?” Stella asked, joining their discussion.
Sawyer bit his lip, trying to avoid looking in Matt’s direction. “I’m thinking about heading east. I’d like to spend some time in Louisiana, see if what I hear about New Orleans's cuisine is true. I imagine I might stay there a while.”
Matt looked up, recalling that romantic trip for two that he'd imagined for them, the one that never materialized because...
Because of him.
“... and I heard the Carolinas have some good barbecue.”
A passionate debate began, people taking sides on the different types of sauce found in the various parts of the country. Matt looked down at this lunch, no longer hungry.
"You okay?" Keith asked.
“I'm good.” Matt stood, gathering his trash. “I’ve got some stuff to do. Good luck, everyone.” He left the room without looking back.
“Ruiz.” Matt walked down the corridor toward the gym locker room and looked up. Paul Cross waved at him. “Over here.” He headed in that direction, following Paul past the gym and out of the school. “I need to get the soccer nets set up on the football field. Think you can help me with that?”
“Yeah, of course.” It was a bright and sunny day, and the idea of spending the last hour of the day outside pleased him. “Feels good to hang out outside after being cooped up in the classroom testing all week.”
“Tell me about it,” Paul replied. “Although being the head hallway monitor isn’t as glamorous as it sounds. Checking bathroom passes, covering teacher lunch breaks, walking kids to the nurse.” They fell into an easy step together and soon made it to the football field. Paul pulled out his ring of keys and unlocked the chain-link gate to the field. “I wanted to talk to you too, and I thought we could do with some privacy.”
Matt looked up, worried. Paul Cross was head coach at the school, and everyone knew that at any school in Texas, the head coach
was one of the most powerful positions on campus. In some districts, they hired the head coach at new schools before the principal. “Yeah, of course. Anything wrong?” he asked, thinking that this was bad news. Maybe he’d been too preoccupied this year, not helping the staff or the kids enough. Maybe they didn’t want him helping next year. “I screw something up?”
“No, nothing like that,” Paul responded. “This isn’t about work.” They walked toward the athletic shed, a small portable building on one side of the field. Paul unlocked it and stepped inside. “How long have we known each other, Matt? Four years now? Five?” He carried out some netting, handing it to Matt.
Matt wrinkled his brow, confused. “Ever since I got here.” Paul grabbed the soccer goal frames, and they headed out toward the football field. “Five years, yeah.”
Paul cleared his throat as they approached the field. “Look, I’m not usually one to intrude in someone’s personal life, but I wanted to talk to you about what transpired earlier this year.”
Matt froze. Was this about what happened back in February, when that video circulated the community? He felt like that chatter had just about died down and now Paul was bringing it back up. “You know, I’m sorry about that. I didn’t mean to embarrass anyone, or the team, or the school.”
“This is what I’m saying. You didn’t embarrass the school. You got caught kissing someone. Hell, I do that and someone tapes it, I’m gonna get teased too. These kids and their cameras. We should take them all away. But I don’t think you should let something like that make you change your mind about a relationship. It doesn’t matter what other people think or say.” He began putting a frame together, holding it steady as Matt secured the net onto it.
Matt waited until he’d finished before speaking. “It’s not the same for you.”
“You know, they weren’t making fun of you for being gay, Matt.” Paul sighed, shaking his head. “You’re young, you’re popular, your boyfriend is cute. Those kids didn’t mean any harm.”
“That’s not exactly how it felt.”
Paul glared at him, reaching for another frame, repeating the process. “I thought your skin was a little thicker than that, Matt. How can you let what other people think mess with your head? I won’t pretend like I understand what it is two guys see in each other, but I know someone in love and it’s clear you love that guy. So just… just get your head out of your ass and stop letting what people think dictate your life.”
Matt stopped, looking up from his task. “Sometimes what other people think matters.”
“That’s horseshit. I don’t many people that work harder than you, Matt, and all I can say is that none of that is worth a damn if you’re not happy. It’s not much fun watching you mope around like some dog that’s been kicked around.” They finished the second net. “So I just want you to ask yourself - are you happy right now? ‘Cause if you are, I’ll shut up over here and we can just set these up in silence.”
Matt didn’t speak, not until they’d finished the third goal. “I always thought you were a hard ass, Paul. When did you get so soft?” he asked, a hint of a smile on his face. He really had good friends.
Paul narrowed his eyes. “You son of a…” They both laughed, looking up to see all the athletes, girls and boys, heading toward them, ready to play. “C’mon, Ruiz. Let’s get these kids ready for high school.”
There is a point sometime every May where the end is not only in sight, it’s palpable. Teachers get that second wind, and conversations turned to job assignments for next year, who would leave, who would move rooms, and what other changes would be happening.
With the end of the year approaching, Matt had his own final exams and presentations for his graduate program to work on when he got home from work. He’d taken to eating lunch at his desk to stay caught up on grading, but they were celebrating Steve’s birthday on Friday, and they requested his presence in the lunchroom to help celebrate.
Alicia cut generous slices from a chocolate swiss roll. “Did you have plans for your birthday?” she asked.
“Well, my birthday is actually Sunday, so Beth and I were thinking about taking Monday off and heading to the coast this weekend. Just calling around for a sub.” A few people glanced over at Matt, who ignored their stares.
Kristine groaned. “Good luck getting someone good. No one wants to come in because the kids all have summer fever.”
“Sawyer’s not available?” Matt asked, tired of the elephant in the room. “I haven’t seen him in a while.” He looked around the table. “No one is calling him for a job?” When no one said anything, Matt took a breath, drumming his fingers on the table. “Look, I appreciate what you’re doing, but you all shouldn’t stop using him just because it didn’t work out for us. That’s not cool. He’s a good guy and a great sub. Don’t punish him because I’m an asshole incapable of a lasting relationship.”
Silence. Matt realized now he was the teacher over-sharing embarrassing details. Kristine broke the silence. “I don’t think he’s been taking jobs from this school. I guess it’s… awkward for you guys.” A couple teachers looked at each other, then back at him. “Matt, are you okay?”
Matt put his fork down and took a deep breath. Was Sawyer turning down jobs to spare Matt the embarrassment of being in the same building as him? Looking up, he caught Steve’s eye and saw understanding there.
She understood. They all understood.
That is what Cora and Sabrina and Curtis and Paul struggled to tell him. There wasn’t any need to feel ashamed by what he felt for Sawyer. It was more embarrassing trying to hide it.
“Yeah, I’m alright. Thanks for asking.” He stood, wiping his mouth on the brightly colored napkin. “Happy birthday, Steve.” He stepped around and giave Steve a one-armed hug. “And thanks for dragging me out of my room for lunch today.”
Alicia reached out and touched his arm. “We miss seeing your face. Don’t be a stranger.”
Matt blinked.
Reaching over, he touched his phone, turning off the alarm. 5:40 am. He’d forgotten that today was a Memorial Day, and his alarm went off like it always did on weekdays. No gym, since he was at the ranch. He could go running outside, Pancho and Lefty would like it. (Well, Pancho would. Lefty was getting lazy in her old age.) What else? Check if final grades posted for the classes. Register for summer classes. Help Sabrina with the chores. Water the garden.
And it hit him. What was he doing all of this for? Who was he doing all of this for?
Worse, he’d hurt someone dear to him, a kind man who hadn’t deserved Matt’s anger.
He heard his grandfather’s voice, urging him on. “Come on, Mijo. You did wrong. Now fix it.”
Matt knew where to start.
Matt was in the kitchen when his grandmother walked in. “You’re up early.” She walked over and kissed his cheek on her way to the coffee pot. “Are you hungry?”
“Not really.” He was looking through one of her cookbooks. When she glanced over at him, he smiled, the first smile he’d felt in weeks. Maybe months. “But I do have a favor to ask.”
Are you home? Can we talk?
I’m home. Come on over.
Be there in about an hour.
He knocked on Sawyer’s door, carrying a small cake pan covered in foil. Rocking on his heels, he waited, but when no one answered he wondered if maybe he’d gotten the message wrong. Raising his hand to knock again, he heard steps, the latch to the door being opened from the inside and soon the door opened. “Sorry.” Sawyer stepped back and held the door open. “Guess I drifted off.” Looking down at the cake pan, he gave Matt a sad smile. “Come on in.”
“Thanks.” Matt stepped into the RV, setting the cake pan on the table near the door. “Hey girl,” he said as Biscuit trotted over, nudging his hand with her head. “Long time no see.” Looking back up at Sawyer, he exhaled. “How are you doing?”
“Good. Looks like the school year’s wrapping up, so I’m just making summer plans, thinking about wh
at I want to do next.” He walked over to the sofa area, showing with his hand that Matt should sit.
“You leaving for good then?” Matt asked, heart thumping fast in his chest.
“I guess. I mean, that was always the plan.” Sawyer shrugged, looking down. “Don’t think I expected to stay here this long, to be honest.”
“But you did.”
“Yeah.” Matt caught Sawyer’s eye and held that look. “How’s Elena? Your sister too, everybody doing okay?”
Matt nodded. “Getting through it. Sad but… I don’t know. My grandparents had a good life, and my grandma says that she’s at peace with it all. I don’t think she’s in a hurry to join Grandpa soon, but she knows she’ll see him again. It comforts her.”
Sawyer sighed. “And how are you doing?”
“I miss him a lot,” Matt said. “I mean, we almost lost my grandma ten years ago, but I guess we’d prepared ourselves for that, if it happened. But this…” Matt shook his head. “I was not ready to say goodbye to him.” Sawyer reached out and took his hand, and Matt laced their fingers together. “Don’t leave me too,” Matt whispered.
“Matt.” Sawyer reached over and put his arms around him, pulling him close. “You’re going to be just fine.”
But Matt shook his head. “I need you.”
“Matt.”
He looked up at Sawyer. “I mean it. All those plans mean nothing if you aren’t standing next to me.” Reaching for one of Sawyer’s hands, he pulled it to his lips. “Right next to me.”
Sawyer didn’t look convinced… but he didn’t push Matt away. “What do you want, Matt?”
What did he want? “I want a reason to be working so hard, someone at home who’s proud of me. Someone I can come home to each night and tell about my day, the good and the bad. Someone who wants to tell me all about their day, the good and the bad. I want a partner.” Matt cupped Sawyer’s face in his hands, feeling that rough stubble on his fingertips. “You and me. I think we could be amazing together.” Matt leaned in and kissed him.
Life, Love, and Other Inequalities Page 16