He was a cripple.
She was the most beautiful creature God created.
He was a roving wanderer. No real plans, if he were honest.
She’d traveled for weeks in uncivilized conditions to befriend and share her faith with people she’d never met. People considered by many to be savages.
Which brought him to the biggest difference. She believed God cared.
He didn’t. At least, God didn’t care for him.
When Simeon reined the team in at the cabin, Joseph motioned for him to climb down with the women. “I’ll unhitch. I need to saddle my gelding, too. I’ll come in to say goodnight before I head out.”
“No, Joey. Stay the night with us.” Emma’s voice took on that big sister tone. Since she’d been born a handful of minutes before he had, she always seemed to think that made her the eldest and responsible for him. “You can’t go up to your cave tonight, it’s too late. We’ll make a pallet for you in the main room.”
He tried to summon a bit of teasing, but he didn’t have it in him after fighting this internal battle all evening. “I told Uncle Adrien I’d stay there and help him brand calves first thing in the morning. You already have a houseguest you can fuss over.”
She glanced toward the cabin, where Monti had already carried Hannah inside. Then she turned back to Joseph, her hand resting on the sleigh bench as she eyed him. “I like her, Joey. I really do. I’m glad you brought her.”
He just nodded, not meeting Emma’s gaze.
“Let’s get in out of the cold, wife.” Simeon wrapped an arm around her shoulders. Thank God this brother by marriage wasn’t as pushy as his sister.
Chapter Thirteen
My heart yearns, yet my mind fears.
~ Monti’s Journal
ONCE JOSEPH HAD THE horses inside the barn and the sleigh disconnected and pushed into place, he set about unhitching the animals. The buckles were frustrating to manage with only the fingers on his right hand.
For that matter, everything was frustrating to manage with only his right hand.
After working for a good two minutes on the buckle fastening the bridle on the bay gelding, his muscles over his shoulders had bunched in a tight yoke. He’d already jerked the glove off his right hand so his fingers could work better, but it wouldn’t help any to take off the left one.
Nothing would ever make those fingers work better.
Finally, the strap came loose. He restrained the anger coursing through him long enough to remove the contraption from the horse’s head. When the leather pulled free, he flung it on the ground by the nearest stall.
He did jerk the glove off his left hand then. White flesh glared up at him. The fingers small and curved. Hideous.
“Joseph?”
He whirled at the voice, tucking his useless hand behind him. Monti stood a few steps inside the barn, eyeing him. The hood of her coat framed her face, accentuating her delicate features.
His mouth went dry. Hopefully, she was too far away to have seen his hand. And the horses’ necks might have shielded him. If he were lucky.
She stepped nearer, coming around the front of the horses, which waited patiently for the remaining harness to be removed. “Emma said you weren’t staying the night. I don’t want you to leave on account of me. They’re your family, I can sleep on the floor behind a curtain or...” She looked around as though trying to find a suitable place in the barn.
He spoke up before she could offer anything so outlandish.
“I’ll be helping my uncle with his branding early in the morning. It only makes sense for me to sleep over there. Don’t trouble yourself.” He didn’t mean for his voice to sound so gruff, but the last thing he needed was her presence out here.
It’d be easier to remember how far out of his reach she was if he didn’t have to be near her so much. The way she looked at him sometimes made him hope for things he had no right to want.
Like now. She studied him in that special way only she could master—a mixture of suspicion and softness. Like she cared, but didn’t want to let herself get to close.
A wise choice.
But then she stepped forward, stopping when she was near enough that she could reach out and touch him if she wanted to.
He pressed his crippled hand behind him. “You should go back in where it’s warm.” He was being a cad, but he couldn’t stop himself. He had to get away from her. For her own good.
“Joseph. Have I done something to anger you?” Her voice was soft and gentle. Alluring.
He swallowed, trying to force words through his parched throat. He couldn’t seem to pull his gaze from her. “Of course not.”
“That’s good.” She seemed to move nearer. Or maybe it was his imagination. His wretched hopes drawing her closer.
He turned away, careful to keep his left hand out of her sight.
“Are you hiding something?”
He jerked back, but her curiosity had been roused.
She peered as if trying to see behind him. “What is that?”
“Nothing.” He didn’t mind sounding terse this time. She needed to keep her nosy gaze to herself.
“What is it, Joseph. Are you hurt?” She stepped closer and grabbed his coat sleeve. “I can help.”
He yanked his coat out of her hand. “Monti, I said it’s nothing.”
She stilled, her gaze wandering up to meet his. He’d wounded her. His words. His tone. Yet mixed with the hurt showing there, he caught a glimpse of stalwart determination.
“Joseph.” Her voice lowered, gentled. “I know you’ve been injured. I’ve seen the scar. Is there something I can do to help?”
Her words slammed into him, leaving him swaying from their impact. How had she seen the scar? He never took his glove off. Never.
Before he realized what she was doing, she slipped her hand around his left arm, then ran her fingers down the length of it. Pulling free his hand. Drawing it into the light.
The white skin was almost blinding, the jagged red scar running across the back of his hand roiling nausea in the pit of his stomach. She held his hand in hers, running her thumb over the scar.
He tried to yank back, but she held his hand tightly. Yet gently.
His fingers hung over the edge of hers. Lifeless. They were touching her skin, yet he couldn’t feel any of it. He had no power to control them. It had all been stolen away.
“What happened, Joseph?” She asked the question without looking at his face, just kept sliding the pad of her thumb back and forth over the bright red mark.
“An avalanche. Icy rocks loose in the snow. They came down on me. Pinned my hand for a while. Haven’t been able to feel or use the fingers since.” It must have been the entrancing effect of her thumb that released his tongue, dazed his mind. Even now, his thoughts felt as numb as his fingers. Frozen.
Her hand still enclosed his, but now, she slid it down to his fingers. His awful, white, limp fingers. Her thumb stroked across them once.
He should pull away. Should turn and leave this place. But he couldn’t seem to drag himself from the trance of watching her skin move across his.
Then she raised his hand, turned hers so their palms met. Their fingers intertwined. If only he could feel it. As their fingers wove between each other, it was almost impossible to tell which were hers and which were his. They blended. A perfect match.
She looked up at his face then, and he met her gaze. He tried to prepare himself for the pity, but what he saw there shot fire to his very core.
Longing.
She rose up on her tiptoes, and he knew what she was doing. He wanted to pull back, but the part of him that had dreamed of this moment took over.
He met her hungrily, his good hand wrapping around her neck. Her hood fell away, and he worked his fingers into her hair. Her lips were warm and tender. Tentative, yet searching.
He absorbed the feel of her. The warm, almost exotic scent that swept through him to steal away his composure.
H
e’d longed for this touch more than he’d let himself acknowledge. And now, she seeped into him with a heady rush. He had to get control of himself before he lost all of himself to her.
With the last shreds of his strength, he pulled back. Just an inch, and their breathing mingled. Hers held such a tantalizing warmth, it threatened to pull him back in. So he withdrew further, this time enough that he could see her face. Her awe-inspiring beauty that had the power to drop him to his knees. Her eyes drifted open, lazily at first, then wider.
“Joseph.” She whispered his name with part awe, part shock.
He had to war against himself to keep from pulling her back for another kiss. Instead, he swallowed. Forced himself to say what he had to. “I’m sorry.” The words came out hoarse. “I shouldn’t have done that. I...I’m sorry.”
He couldn’t think what else to say, but if he didn’t get away from her now, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to control himself much longer.
Reaching out, he pulled her hood back over her hair, allowing his thumb to trail the outline of her cheek as a final indulgence. So soft.
He met her gaze. “Go back inside, Monti.”
After a final look of those dark fathomless eyes, she nodded, then turned and left the barn.
And as he watched her go, it felt as if she’d taken the last of his strength with her.
SO MANY EMOTIONS SWIRLED in Monti’s chest, she had to stop and lean against the outside of the cabin to pull herself together before going in.
She’d just kissed Joseph. And what a kiss.
But how could she have? As much as she respected him, as safe as he made her feel, as much as his looks had captured her from the first time she’d met him, she’d not come to this place for romance.
She’d come to help people. To help Antoine and minister to the Indians. Maybe that was why she’d kissed Joseph. He’d looked so miserable as he told her about his injury. Had she kissed him in an impulsive attempt to help him feel better?
Her mind replayed the sensation of his mouth on hers, and a skitter slipped through her. No, that kiss had not been meant to ease his sadness. Or at least, not completely. She’d not realized how much she’d longed to touch him—maybe to kiss him, if the results were any indication. When she’d been so close, touching his hand, the kiss—it had all seemed the right thing to do.
Heat seared her cheeks. She had to get inside, but the last thing she wanted was Joseph’s sister catching sight of her rumpled and flushed. She’d know what had happened, Monti would put money on it. Emma seemed to have an uncanny intuition when it came to things like that, especially where her brother was concerned.
Monti reached for the latch string and pushed the door open. Hopefully, she’d be able to slip into the bed chamber she’d been offered without too much notice.
JOSEPH DIDN’T APPEAR the next day.
Monti tried to focus on enjoying her new friends and learning what she could from Emma. Little Hannah made an excellent distraction, with her chubby smiles and the way she kept bringing her doll over for Monti to snuggle and make “talk.”
It was just the three of them at the midday meal, as Simeon had gone to help with the branding, too. “How long does it normally take?” Monti asked as she raised a bite of stew to her mouth.
“I think they’re just doing the new calves. Simeon seemed to think he’d be back in a few hours.” Emma spooned a bite of potato into Hannah’s mouth, then smiled at her daughter. “That’s good isn’t it?”
“Good.” The little girl flashed a triumphant smile with the word. A grin one couldn’t help but return.
Monti took another bite, her thoughts warring inside her as she debated whether to ask the question that had simmered inside her all morning and most of the night before. Perhaps it would be best to ask, so she would know the details. Emma surely wouldn’t tell anything Joseph wouldn’t want her to know.
She inhaled a solidifying breath. “Emma, can I ask about the accident that injured Joseph’s hand?”
The other woman looked up for a moment, and her spoon hovered over the bowl. “I’m surprised he told you about that. He keeps it covered up and tries to pretend nothing happened.”
How could she explain that she forced it out of him? “I asked him about it. He said he was caught in an avalanche and the hand was pinned under rock. How long was he trapped like that? Was he by himself?”
Emma let out a long sigh and sat back. “Unfortunately, yes. Simeon and I married as soon as we arrived in this part of the country, and from then on, Joseph became something of a wanderer. At first, I thought he was just excited to see the land, especially since he didn’t have to worry about me any longer. And I think that was part of it. I didn’t realize ’til later that he seemed to be struggling to put down roots.”
She shrugged. “At least, I think that’s what it is. I guess I’m still not really sure.” She picked at the serviette in her lap, as though remembering scenes from the past. “Anyway, about four months ago, my uncle came racing over to our cabin. Said one of his men had found Joseph riding back from the mountains just north of here. Those peaks have snow all year round. Apparently, Joseph had been trying to climb to the top. Why he did it, I still can’t tell you.
“Somehow, he started a small avalanche. It didn’t bury him completely, but boulders came down with it and pinned his hand. He was stuck for almost an hour before he found a way to work himself loose. He said he thought about cutting his hand off to get away, but he couldn’t quite bring himself to do it. Not yet, anyway.”
Monti shivered at the thought, her eyes dropping shut as she imagined what it must have been like to be stuck on a mountain, half buried in the snow. His hand smashed and in worlds of pain. Miles from his family, and probably no one aware of where he was. He lived such a vagrant lifestyle, it might have been days before anyone missed him. And then where would they look?
She opened her eyes to Emma again. “What happened when he got loose?”
“He made it back to his horse. It’s a wonder he didn’t lose more than the feeling in that one hand.” Her eyes glazed over. “It’s a miracle, really. Only God could have saved him from frostbite up on that mountain.”
“I agree.” And thank You, Lord, for keeping him safe.
After several moments, Emma seemed to pull herself together. “Anyway, the ranch hand found Joseph when he was out hunting for strays. Joseph must have been riding for several hours in those wet clothes. By the time they found him, he was almost unconscious. Probably from the pain and the cold.”
“What happened with his hand? What did the doctor say about it?”
Emma’s mouth pursed into a thin line. “We don’t have a doctor in these parts. Not all the time anyway. There’s a surgeon who travels from fort to fort, but he wasn’t anywhere close at that time. My aunt is an excellent healer, and Simeon knows a lot about the herbs and plants that are good for curing. The surgeon looked at it when he came a month after the accident but said there wasn’t anything he could do.”
Those last few statements jogged a memory in Monti’s mind, but she had one more question before they left the topic of Joseph. “He said he hasn’t been able to feel or use the fingers since the injury. Did the doctor think he would ever regain use of them?”
Emma’s face took on a weary sadness. “He said it was unlikely. Joseph took that pretty hard. It’s been a rough few months since then, and I haven’t seen him smile much. At least, not until yesterday.”
Monti didn’t meet her look. She was barely managing the flurry of butterflies those words created in her midsection. She’d never be able to hide the kiss from Emma if she met the woman’s gaze.
Thankfully, a whistle sounded from outside, and Emma straightened. “Simeon’s home.” She rose to greet her husband, and Monti kept her focus on her food to give the couple privacy. It didn’t stop her from hearing the low murmurs and the sound of a kiss.
“Howdy, Miss Bergeron.”
She nearly jumped at Simeon’s
greeting, then looked up and smiled a response. “Hello.”
“Sit down, dear. I’ll pour you a bowl of stew.” Emma moved to the stove.
“Don’t have to ask me twice.” Simeon took his place at the head of the table, then looked at her. “Joseph had to leave, but I volunteered to see you back to your cabin.”
The words slipped through her, not quite making sense. “Leave? To go where?”
Simeon shrugged. “Not sure exactly. We’d just finished up the last calf, and he packed his things and said he had to leave on business. Asked if I’d make sure you got back all right.”
Business? Was he going to town for something? He’d mentioned that he sometimes acted as courier for the folks in the area. Maybe he’d received an urgent request.
She tried not to let her disappointment show. She’d worried about what to say to him, but it seemed he’d taken that concern out of her hands. For now, at least.
Chapter Fourteen
Keep her, Lord.
~ Joseph’s Journal
THREE DAYS LATER, MONTI hadn’t heard or seen any sign of Joseph. She shouldn’t have expected to, though. At least, that’s what she told herself. If he’d gone to deliver a message or pick-up supplies from Fort Hamilton, it could take him days or a week to return.
Patience.
Yet, the churning inside her made it hard to wait patiently. No matter how often she told herself she didn’t want romantic attachments, she did want to see Joseph again. They’d kissed, for mercy’s sake. What did he think about that? Did he regret it?
Her horse stumbled over a rock buried in the snow, pulling Monti back to the present as she and Antoine rode toward Hungry Wolf’s camp. A heavy snowfall had come two days before, keeping them close to the cabin until now. And what a relief to finally be out.
“Do you think Hollow Oak’s family will let us give her the remedy?” She glanced at Antoine as they rode.
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