“Let Jilly finish her own problems. You can’t always be there to save everyone.”
“I know! Really I do. That’s what’s happening here that you don’t understand. I’m not saving Jilly. She’s saving me. And Hannah. And Rose. We’re all saving one another. We’re close again, like we used to be, and it’s changing us. I wish I could explain it better, but I’m not sure I understand it myself. I’m beginning to feel like my old self. Energized. Hopeful.” She reached up to touch her red hair along her neck. “I meant what I said about wanting to try and talk again. You were right about that. We didn’t talk. And I have so many things I need to talk to you about.”
She waited, but he didn’t respond. The silence stretched and she clutched the phone tightly in her hand. “Please say you’ll be there for us when we get home. Hannah needs you. But I need you more. Be there—for me.”
Closing her eyes tight, she silently mouthed the word, please….
She heard his sigh rumble over the wire, then his voice came, soft but firm in decision. “I’ll be here.”
Dear DannyBoy,
We’ve made enormous progress in our search today. I hope you’re sitting down. Jilly found her daughter! Her name is Anne Marie and she lives just outside Green Bay. They found each other from that reunion registry I told you about. I guess that makes another couple united by the power of the Internet! So we’ll be heading down to Green Bay tomorrow and we’ll probably stay there for a few days.
Okay, I’m taking a deep breath. Still sitting down?
I’d like to meet you. I don’t want to wait any longer. We’ve waited long enough already. I’m sorry I delayed to the last minute. I’ve always wanted to meet you but I was afraid that if we met, we might not like each other and I didn’t want to risk what we had. But I realized, watching Jilly set up an appointment to meet her daughter for the first time, that I could only find happiness if I took risks. So if you’re still coming to Green Bay and you’re still willing to meet, then so am I. If you can’t make it while I’m in town, Evanston isn’t at the other end of the world and we can try again. All we can do is try.
We’ll be staying at the Embassy Suites, if you know where that is.
I’ve got to start packing. It’s hard to believe we’re leaving our little oasis. We’ve made some good friends here. Larry and Maude, and especially Rajiv, have been great. I’m sure I’ll come up to see them again. I also can’t believe how much stuff we’ve accumulated in just two weeks. I think I’ll have to donate the stuff to Rajiv, except that I’m rather sentimental now about the Chinese lamps I found in a small antique store in town. They’ll always remind me of the great Season Odyssey, as Jilly calls it. It’s funny, but in a way, I feel like I’ve finally dug my way to China after all. It’s a long childhood story that I’ll tell you about sometime.
Let me know if you can meet in Green Bay!
Love,
Rosebud
Dear Rosebud,
Yes, I’ll meet you in Green Bay!
I have to make a delivery on Saturday, but if you can just stay there till Monday, I don’t care what I have to do to get there, but I’ll be there. Screeching tires, but I’ll be there.
Love,
DannyBoy
Late that night Jilly lay in the crook of Rajiv’s shoulder. His long fingers stroked her spine, luxuriously moving up and down in a soothing pattern while their bodies cooled. She’d told him that she was leaving in the morning and he’d reacted as she expected he would, without so many words as with a grasping, frenzied passion in his lovemaking that spoke eloquently of his true feelings for her.
Rajiv still kept his soul barred from her, locked behind his unfailing civility and intelligence. As her fingers flexed against his chest, she had to hold herself back from forming fists and pounding him with them, crying tears and begging him to tell her that he loved her.
“You’re so quiet,” she said to him, moving her head on his chest to look at his face. “Are you meditating?”
She heard his chuckle in his chest. “Every time an Indian thinks silently does not mean he’s meditating.”
She pinched him lightly.
“Jilly, what am I going to do with you?”
Hold me, she thought to herself. Keep me here with you.
“I’m leaving tomorrow and I realize I know very little about you. That makes me sad.”
“What do you want to know?”
“Everything.”
He chuckled softly. “You’ll not be able to leave tomorrow if you want to know everything.”
“Ask me to stay, then.” She held her breath as his chest moved up and down in a steady rhythm.
“I can’t do that,” he replied at length.
“Why not? Don’t you care enough to ask me to stay?”
“Yes.”
She felt a moment’s exhilaration. “Then ask me.”
“No. I can’t.”
Her heart twisted and she pulled herself up to her elbows to look down into his face. His gaze was open but she saw the tiger lurking within.
“You can’t or you won’t?”
“Both.”
“If you don’t care enough to ask me to stay, then why should I? What are you offering me?”
“I’m offering you nothing, Jillian. This is your decision to make.”
“No, it’s not! It’s not just my decision. It’s yours, too. Just tell me what you want me to do.”
“Jillian, my love. I won’t tell you what to do.”
“You’re hiding again in your silence,” she fired off. “You’re wallowing in the mire.”
“Do you think so? I feel like I’m standing on a precipice, very, very high up.”
She lay down on her back again and stared up at the ceiling. Tears smarted in her eyes and she felt a sudden chill emanating from her heart. “I thought we had something very special between us. But you can’t feel anything for me at all if you’ll just let me go.”
After a moment he asked quietly, “Would you stay if I asked you to?”
She stumbled. “I’d have to go to Green Bay to meet my daughter, of course. But afterward…”
He rose up over her to put his fingertip over her lips and silence her. “Don’t make any promises you can’t keep. You don’t have to. Not to me. Not to anyone. I’m not asking for anything more than you’ve given me already. And believe me, Jillian, I care about you a great deal to be able to say that to you. You know you have to go. Let’s be honest with each other. We’ve always been so.”
He lay on his back and pulled her up so that her head rested once again in the crook of his shoulder. No man had ever been so direct and honest with her before. There was always flattery and false promises with the others; she’d grown accustomed to hearing the indulgent compliments. The white lies simply covered up the painful truth, a facade Rajiv would not indulge in, nor allow her to. She felt the tears pool in her eyes and flow hot down her cheeks to his shoulder. “This hurts so much.”
“I believe we have to suffer in life to progress to the next level.” He spoke in his beautiful voice against the soft hairs of her head. “But life is not all suffering. In order to attain the highest level, the soul must strive for bliss. For years I was a fool. I was wallowing only in despair.”
He moved onto his side, resting his head on his outstretched arm to look into her eyes. “Then you came to this place, Jillian Season, and saved me from myself. You were relentless. You wouldn’t allow me to shut you out. You showed me the courage to face the past and to continue undaunted.” He stroked a stray lock of hair behind her ear, then smiled his old-soul smile. “And you certainly showed me bliss.”
He moved his beautiful fingers to cup her face. “You are courageous. You’ll make the right choice, if you simply trust yourself.” They stared at each other for a long time, their eyes pained, each probing, seeking, asking. Then he moved his hand to the back of her neck, pulled close and kissed her. It was not the desperate kiss it had been earlier. It was slow and
tender, searching her mouth for answers in the same manner his eyes had done seconds earlier.
He was seeking his bliss, she thought to herself, feeling her blood stir in response to him again. He was searching for bliss within her body, even within her soul. As her long limbs wrapped around him and their kisses deepened, Jilly wondered why bliss felt to her like suffering.
22
IT WAS TIME TO HIT THE ROAD.
The decision, once made, sent them packing, making reservations, checking the route and saying their farewells. Their goal was in sight.
Birdie and Rose had agreed to stay close to Jilly. The fire usually found in her bright green eyes was banked. She’d discreetly returned to her room at the crack of dawn and silently tossed her clothes and belongings into her bag. The air around her crackled with turmoil but she wasn’t talking and they weren’t asking.
Outside it was a surprisingly sunny day. Spring decided it was time to stop dallying and arrived in full force. Birds sang, tulips bloomed and a soft spring green haze of new foliage exploded almost overnight on the trees. They packed the Land Rover quickly. When they had emptied their rooms and finished picking up their trash, they stood at the doors and looked into the small spaces they’d called home for the past weeks.
“I’ll never forget this place, but it looks like we’ve never been here,” Hannah said regretfully.
“Oh, I don’t know,” Rose said with a lilt in her voice. “I think that rag rug does wonders for the god Shiva.”
“Let’s go,” Jilly said, interrupting their burst of laughter. Her mouth set in a tight line as she walked to the car and tossed her purse into the front seat.
“Do you want to leave the keys with Rajiv?” Rose asked Birdie.
“Don’t bother. Here he comes,” Hannah said, pointing to the office.
They turned toward him as he walked across the cement lot. Pirate Pete trotted beside him, his pink tongue hanging from his mouth in a cheery manner. Rose looked at Jilly, worried at the stark pain and want she saw in her expression. Rajiv smiled his polite smile when he approached them, but his eyes darted back to Jilly.
“I wish you good luck,” he said, sounding more like a hotel manager than any of them wanted. “And I hope you’ll let me know how this saga ends. A note, perhaps?”
Jilly sharply turned her head away. He saw this and his face went still.
Rose caught a glimpse of the ferocity in his eyes that Jilly had talked about but that she’d never seen for herself.
“Rajiv, we’ll miss you,” she said, walking up to him and wrapping her arms around his neck. She hugged him warmly and was pleased to feel him hug her back.
“We all will,” said Birdie, standing in line to deliver a hug of her own. Hannah followed.
He smiled at them gratefully, then turned his head to seek out Jilly.
On that cue the three of them went immediately into the car to give the two a chance to say a private goodbye.
“Come here,” he said, holding out his arms.
She walked right into them and slipped her arms around him, burying her face in his neck.
“I’ll miss you,” he said in a strained whisper in Jilly’s ear.
She looked up at him and saw that his face was filled with sadness. She wanted him to tell her to return home—to him. How could he let her go like this? His silence, the very thing that had first attracted her to him, was painful now. She thought of waking up tomorrow and not finding him beside her and felt her eyes prick with tears.
“Damn you, you’re ruining my makeup.”
He reached out to cup her chin and bring her gaze back to his. He looked into her eyes, but she couldn’t fathom what it was he was trying to tell her, if anything at all. It was maddening and heartbreaking at the same time.
“Look after yourself, Jillian. I really will miss you. I love you.”
Her heart broke. He couldn’t mean that and let her go, she thought with dismay. She moved close again to hold him tight. He held her tighter, squeezing the breath from her. A barking at her side separated them and she groaned as Pirate Pete jumped up on her leg, putting dirt streaks on her slacks. She let her hands slide from Rajiv’s shoulders, feeling each millimeter of the separation, but kept her hands entwined with his. She looked down at the Pirate Pete, who was whining and jumping up at them for attention.
“Well, little guy, who’s going to feed you now?”
He barked and his almond eyes sparkled with delight that he’d snared her attention at last. She reached into her pocket and found a bit of cookie. “Ready?” She tossed it in the air. Pete caught the cookie on the fly and swallowed it greedily.
“I’m afraid you’ve spoiled us both,” Rajiv said. “We’ll neither of us be the same.”
She felt done in. “Goodbye, Rajiv.” She kissed him lightly on the lips, pausing to breathe in his scent, then turned and quickly walked toward the car.
He stepped back, whistling sharply for the dog to follow him away from the wheels. Pirate Pete jumped and barked excitedly, ignoring Rajiv’s orders and chasing the car out of the lot.
“Look back. Wave or something,” Birdie murmured to Jilly in the front seat. “He’s just standing there. It’s too sad.”
“I’m not looking back,” Jilly said, staring at the road ahead with a fixed glare. “I can’t. Go on, hurry. I’m only looking forward to my future.”
The Embassy Suites was a tall, sweeping redbrick building in the Prairie style. Its professional landscaping and wide covered entrance welcomed guests with an impressive panache. The search had completed quickly and they’d decided to splurge for the weekend. They parked the car in the lot and carried their few bags up a winding hill back to the lobby, giggling as they tried to compare this hotel with the River’s End. Beneath the jokes, however, they all felt a twinge of nostalgia for the charm they’d found in the small, friendly town, the peace in the gurgling river and the majesty of the forest that had provided them shelter during the past two weeks.
The inside of the hotel was designed to be an immense garden, lush with full-size trees and tropical plants in every conceivable corner. Glass elevators rode tracks on the outside of balconies.
“Now, this is more like it,” Hannah said as she walked across the dark green patterned carpet toward the front desk.
Jilly followed, clutching her suitcase and turning her head from left to right to gaze at the decor. Then she saw it. While Hannah marched on, oblivious, Jilly came to a dead stop in the middle of the lobby. Birdie and Rose came up beside her and stopped, too. She could feel the heat of their presence as surely as if they were touching. They didn’t say a word but stared straight ahead with pale faces.
There, nestled in a conservatory at the rear of the lobby, surrounded by glass walls like a crown jewel, was a large domed swimming pool. Through the thick green foliage Jilly could spy the azure water with light reflecting in the gentle waves, winking almost mockingly. The sisters stood shoulder to shoulder in silence and stared at the pool with blank expressions on their faces. The tension was palpable.
“There’s a pool,” Jilly said with dread, stating the obvious. Her mouth felt dry and she was fighting the urge to spin around on her heel and search for another hotel. She licked her lips and said in as casual a voice as she could muster, “I don’t usually stay in hotels with pools.”
“I don’t think it’s worth the money to pay for a pool,” Rose said, her hands clenching her suitcase. Her voice was strained. “I don’t swim anymore. I don’t even know if I remember how.”
“It’s like riding a bike. You never forget,” Birdie replied stiffly. Although she’d swum competitively for years to impress her father, she’d never gone near a pool for leisure. Then, clearing her throat, she added, “But we’re on a budget. We can change hotels if you want. This one is pricey and the humidity and all…”
“Yes, the humidity is awful.”
“Terrible.”
“Come on!” Hannah called happily as she came back to
them. Her dark eyes were dancing with excitement. “This place is so cool. Let’s hurry and check in. I can’t wait to use the hot tub. And there’s a health club! This is so great.”
Jilly turned to look at her sisters. When their eyes met they all saw in one another the real reason none of them wanted to stay at the hotel, though no one wanted to admit it.
Birdie flexed her shoulders. “It’s only for one night. I suppose we can check in.” She looked at her sisters for confirmation.
Rose chewed her lip, hesitant.
Jilly glanced at her watch. It was eleven-forty-five. She had to meet her daughter for the first time at one. There wasn’t time to drive around looking for another hotel.
“Okay, let’s check in, then. These suitcases are getting heavy.”
They checked into the hotel without fanfare and rode up in one of the exotic elevators to the fifth floor. Jilly’s room was charming and spacious, in a hotel kind of way. She looked at the matched floral fabric of the curtains and bedspreads, the mint-green carpeting and peach towels, and longed for the cramped room at the River’s End. But when she glanced at the little alarm clock on the bedside table and saw that it was twelve o’clock, all thoughts of hotels and Rajiv and anything else dispersed in a flash of panic. All she could think of now was her meeting with Anne Marie.
She stood in the shower for a long time while the soap and hot water sluiced down her hair, face and body. Closing her eyes she remembered that morning twenty-six years earlier at Marian House when she’d showered and laboriously shaved her legs on the morning of her delivery. She placed her hands on her flat belly, remembering how it had felt, swollen with her baby, her breasts full and aching, her skin stretched as taut as a balloon. That morning she’d wept because she’d known she was saying goodbye to her child. This morning she wept because she knew she was saying hello.
She stepped out into a cloud of steam and dressed with the care and attention to detail that she would have for an important television interview. Simplicity was the order of the day. She chose her best creamy silk blouse, straight black wool slacks and a pale rose silk sweater over them. In her ears she placed large pearls, the only jewelry she wore. She stared at her clean, scrubbed face in the mirror and saw the heightened color in her skin and eyes that always came from excitement.
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