by Regina Frame
I bolted from the bed and stumbled to the bathroom and fell to my knees in front of the toilet. I rested my head on my arm and waited for it to come.
At some point, I passed out, and when I came to, I was sprawled out on the cold tile with my head in a pool of vomit. I'd done it again. I'd mixed a number of drugs with a shit ton of alcohol, and now I was paying for it. My body was turning on me, punishing me.
I had started my night off by scrolling through the pictures on my phone. Pictures that I'd snuck of Honor when she wasn't looking. Pictures of us on tour. But the one that started it all was the picture I'd taken of us the night she'd fallen asleep in my arms while watching Christmas movies. She had looked like an angel lying there, draped over my chest with the flicker of Christmas lights reflecting on her silky blonde hair. That was the night I knew in my heart that I loved her.
"You're fucking weak," I told my reflection in the mirror. "What makes you think you're worthy of her? All you were doing was dragging her down with you. You saw the scars on her wrists. Do you really want to be responsible for pushing her over that edge again?"
I was losing my fucking mind. I was standing there carrying on a conversation with my reflection. If I wasn't careful, the guys in the little white jackets would be coming for me.
Chapter Sixteen
Chance
Three days later
I woke up sitting on the floor, wedged in between the toilet and the wall. My body was stiff and my bones ached from lying on the cold tile for hours. I knew that feeling. It was all too familiar to me. It was rock bottom, and I was headed there again. Only this time, I may not survive. Hell. I didn’t even know that I wanted to survive.
It had been weeks since I'd seen Honor. I'd skipped practice because I couldn't bear the thoughts of seeing her. I was too chicken shit to face her after letting her leave. I would ask the guys about her, but I was afraid of what they might tell me. I didn’t think I could handle them telling me that she'd met someone else. I'd rather stay in the dark.
When the doorbell chimed, I forced myself off the floor and grunted with pain as I tried to straighten up. I stopped long enough at the bathroom sink to splash some water over my face and scowl as I took in the over grown scruff on my chin and the blue hair that was plastered to my head.
I lifted my arm and sniffed my pit. I honestly couldn’t remember taking a shower in the last week. When the bell chimed again, I stomped down the hall to the front door. At least I was sure that it was someone I knew. Otherwise, they wouldn't have gotten past the gate security.
I opened the door, and Jinx stormed past me, taking a seat at the kitchen counter.
"I would ask you to come in, but you're already in," I grumbled. "Coffee?" I asked with my back to him as I reached into the cabinet for a mug.
"Sure." I slid the mug across the counter to him before pouring one for myself. "We need you back in the studio tomorrow." He drummed his fingertips against the granite counter top, and I could tell there was something he wanted to say, but wasn't sure how to go about it, which was odd for Jinx. He usually just said it the way it was, and didn’t worry about who he pissed off.
"You just going to let her leave?"
My head snapped in his direction. He now had my full attention.
"What are you talking about? Let who leave?"
"Honor. She's given us a month's notice to find a replacement, but you'd know that if you'd been coming to practice."
There was the Jinx I'd known for years.
"What's she going to do? Wait . . ." I snapped my fingers while trying to think of her cousin's name. "Is she taking a job with her cousin Zee? He mentioned something to her a while back about needing a guitarist."
"No. Nothing like that. She plans on going back to help her uncle run the label." I couldn't believe my ears. Her love was music. Not sitting behind some desk. She told me so herself. IT was all my damn fault. I pushed her away. "Got a few guitar players coming by tomorrow to audition so I need you there. We've got to get on top of this with the upcoming tour only a couple of months away.”
I just gave him a nod in understanding and focused on the steam coming from my coffee mug. I had no intention of showing up. I couldn't bear the thought of facing her, and I really couldn't give two shits about auditions.
Just as if he could read my mind, he responded, "She won't be there." And when I didn't comment, he continued. "She said she didn't feel the need to sit in on auditions, and that she had somewhere she needed to be tomorrow." I just shrugged and kept my mouth shut, because if I knew Jinx, he was not finished. "You love her."
I choked on my coffee, causing my eyes to water. When my eyes met his, he gave me a knowing smirk. Smartass.
"I don't," I declared, taking another gulp of my hot coffee. "Even if I did, she deserves someone better than me. You saw her reaction a few weeks ago. She thinks I'm weak and probably pathetic, and I honestly can't say that I blame her. She's not too far off on that, you know."
"You don't give her enough credit, man." He paused a moment while he checked something on his phone before he continued. "She doesn't have a judgmental bone in her body, and you're fucking nuts if you let her leave."
My phone pinged from where it sat on the counter. When I swiped my finger across the screen, there was a text from Jinx.
Wellington Place
2215 Washington Ave.
Suite B
"What?" I arched my brow in question.
"That's where you'll find her." He sat his coffee mug in the sink, turned, and walked toward the door. "Studio tomorrow. 10:00 o'clock. It's gonna be a long day."
I stared at the door for several long minutes after he walked out. My thoughts were all over the place as my emotions warred with one another. How much longer could I go on like this? Like she said, my next fix may be my last. Was that really what I wanted? Maybe it was time to man up and seek some help, but before I did that, there was something I needed to do. Maybe it was time I tried and make that right.
The first thing I did was go to my dresser and pull out the baggie of pills I kept stashed in there. I dumped every bit of it in the toilet and flushed. I watched the colorful pills swirl around the bowl before disappearing from sight. I didn't even flinch. I felt something that was foreign to me. Relief.
***
I jumped out of the Hummer and tossed the valet my keys. I found the nearest elevator and pressed the second floor, cursing because it wasn't moving fast enough. As soon as the metal doors slid open, I dashed out, almost knocking an elderly gentleman down in the process.
"Sorry about that, man," I apologized, looking over my shoulder to find him scowling at me.
I didn't slow down until I found suite B at the end of the hall. I stood there staring at the letter on the door for several long minutes, trying to get my nerves in check while going over in my mind what I was going to say to her. What if she slammed the door in my face? What if she was not alone?
"Fuck," I muttered to myself.
This is fucking ridiculous. Just knock on the damn door already. I lifted my hand to knock just as the door opened and I came face to face with my beautiful angel. My heart stuttered in my chest, and my gut tightened. She was wearing a pale blue sweater, dark jeans, and a pair of boots with the jeans tucked into them. Her hair hung straight, just beneath her shoulders, and glistened under the entry way light.
"Chance," she gasped. "What are you doing here?"
It was then that I noticed her purse hanging on her shoulder. She was on her way out. Damn.
"Can I talk to you?"
She eyed me warily, probably due to everything she'd seen over the last few months. Who could blame her? I kept pushing though. If I could just get her to hear me out, maybe she could forgive me.
She glanced at her phone, and said, "I've got somewhere I need to be."
"I can drive you," I offered in a rush.
She exhaled a loud breath.
"You can go, but I'm driving." She stepped out int
o the hall, forcing me to take a couple of steps back. "I don't want to hear a word about my driving either."
"Where are we going?"
"You don't get to ask questions either," she replied.
Her full lips curled into a beautiful smile. I folded myself into the passenger seat of her Mustang and prayed to the traffic gods that we were going someplace close.
They weren't listening today, because a few moments later, we pulled on to the interstate and it was Nascar all over again. It was white knuckles all the way until she turned onto a familiar stretch of road. A quiet road lined by huge trees that led to Heartstrings.
The car rolled to a stop, and Honor got out and popped the trunk. She made her way around to my side of the car and looked at me through the window.
"Are you getting out, or are you going to wait out here?"
I stepped out of the car and followed her to the front entrance, neither of us saying a word. When we walked through the door at reception, Jackie was there waiting for us with a smile on her face, just like always.
"Oh, Chance." She wrapped her arms around me and squeezed. "It's so good to see you. Honor told me that you haven't been feeling well." I looked to Honor in question, but she avoided my eyes.
"I'm feeling much better now," I replied.
"Is he waiting for us?" Honor asked Jackie.
"Yes, dear. He has been so excited ever since you called yesterday. You're all he's talked about."
Was she referring to Matt? He was talking now? Responding to his therapy?
"Let's not keep him waiting," Honor replied.
I fell in step beside her. Only we weren't going to Matt's room. I was totally confused now, so I just followed and didn't ask questions. We walked out one of the back exits and into the warm sunshine. It was such a beautiful day today.
"Honor!" a little boy shouted as he ran in our direction. It was Matt, and his arm was no longer in a cast. The black eye he had the first time we visited was gone, and someone had cut his hair. He threw his arms around Honor and almost knocked her down with the force. "You came back!"
"Of course I did. You didn't think I was going to leave you hanging, did you? I made you a promise, and there was no way I was going to break it," she responded, ruffling his hair. I remembered making him a promise. A promise to come back and visit, to teach him to play guitar, but I didn't keep that promise and now I felt like shit because of it.
"Are you all better?" He looked up at me with a toothy grin.
"W-What?"
"I asked Honor why you hadn't been coming with her to teach me guitar, but she said you were sick. Do you feel better?"
"Yeah, buddy. I feel great," I admitted. "So, she's been teaching you to play guitar?" He nodded his head so eagerly that he reminded me of one of those bobble head dolls you saw in car windows.
"Want to hear me play?"
He ran over to one of the picnic tables arranged under the big shade trees and grabbed the guitar that I'd given him that first day. He lifted the guitar and placed the strap over his shoulder with great care. When he started to play, I was surprised. No. I was shocked by how much he'd learned in such a short period of time.
"Wow, little dude! You keep up the hard work and you'll be playing on stage when you grow up."
I looked at Honor with raised brows.
"He has practiced every day since that cast came off," Honor explained, almost like a proud parent.
"You really think so, Chance?"
"Absolutely. As a matter of fact, I made a promise that you could play on stage with me the next time we play in town. Keep up the good work!”
"Do you like me, Chance?" he asked. There was no smile on his face. It was sadness that turned his little mouth down into a frown.
"You rock, little man. Of course I like you. So does Honor."
"Good!" He perked up, and his smile took over his sweet little freckled face. "My daddy didn't like me very much."
His words were like a punch to the stomach. I could feel the bile rising in the back of my throat, but I pushed it back down. Those words were so fucking familiar to me. My hands balled into tight fists at my sides, and my jaw clenched painfully. I squatted down so that he could see my face more clearly and hear what I had to say.
"You listen to me. Don't ever let words like that affect you. Sometimes people say mean things that they don't really mean or wish they could take them back."
I said what I did in hopes of him feeling better about himself and so that he knew that I cared about him. The sad thing was that his piece of shit dad probably meant every hurtful word he said to his son. Some men felt mighty big when they were able to tear someone down, and it was even worse when they did that to a defenseless child.
He looked up at me with big brown eyes.
"Can I touch your hair?"
Honor laughed, and I joined in.
"Sure."
I lowered my head so that he could see the top of my head. His little hand reached up and poked my stiff Mohawk with his finger before sliding his hand across the top of my blue hair.
"Maybe I can have hair like yours someday. It's so cool!" He smiled again, this time full of excitement.
"You can wear your hair any way that you want," I replied. His eyes moved to Honor and he smiled, his little cheeks turning red with the process. "You been hitting on my girl?" I asked, tilting my head in Honor's direction. He smiled but didn't say anything so I continued. "It's okay, buddy. I think she's pretty, too." Honor looked down at me where I sat on my knees in front of Matt.
"I'm sorry, but we're going to have to go, but we'll be back in a couple of days," she promised, bending at the waist to give him a hug. His gaze swept back to mine.
"Will you come next time?"
He looked so hopeful. I felt like complete shit for letting him down the past few weeks.
"I sure will. How about we bring our guitars next time? We can teach you one of our songs we play on tour."
"That would be awesome!" he shouted, his voice full of excitement. Just the fact that he was smiling did something to me inside. It made me happy to see him happy because if anyone deserved to be happy, it was him. Honor and I walked in silence through the building and out the front door. I had been so tempted to grab her hand, lace our fingers together, like we'd done so many times before, but I was afraid she wouldn't allow it and I can't say that I'd blame her.
"Can we go somewhere and talk?" I asked, looking over at her once we reached the front of her car. I asked if I could drive back, and, thankfully, she agreed. She sighed and turned to look out the window, breaking eye contact with me. My shoulders slumped and a knot formed in my throat, threatening to close my airway. She was not going to make this easy on me, and I can't say that I blamed her. "Please?" I begged. I would pull the car over and get on my knees if that was what it took to get her to listen to me for five fucking minutes.
She exhaled a heavy breath, causing her large breasts to rise and fall with the action. "Okay," she replied. "We can go back to my place, and I'll make us some sandwiches for lunch." Her place. It wouldn't be her place for long. If I had my way, she'd be back at my place tonight.
The suite she was staying in was very upscale with the finest furnishings. It reminded me that she was not poor like most starving artists, and that she'd agreed to donate her salary to the children's home. You would never guess that about her, because unlike a lot of rich snobs, she didn’t look down her nose at anyone. Nor did she brag about it.
"Nice place," I remarked, as I took in the spacious den with its supple brown leather furniture and beige walls with expensive art.
"Yeah. I would've been happy at The Hampton, but Uncle Louis knows the owner so I ended up here. It's only for a few more weeks.”
My heart skipped a beat and my chest tightened from just thinking about her leaving. No way in hell was I going to let that happen. I pulled my cell from my pocket and fired off a text to Jinx.
Cancel the auditions for tomorrow.
> Jinx: Why?
Me: Trust me.
"Sit anywhere. I'll start on those sandwiches."
Reaching out, I took hold of her arm to keep her from walking away. Her eyes fell to where my hand was on her arm. For just a moment, she looked frightened and it killed me that I put that look on her beautiful face.
"Can we talk first?"
When she nodded in agreement, I led her over to the sofa and pulled her down next to me.
"I don't even know where to begin." I shook my head as I thought about the promises that I'd broken. "I'm so sorry for everything. I'm so fucking sorry for promising you that I wouldn't use, but did it anyway. I'm sorry for taking you for granted and not giving you the attention that you deserve. I'm sorry for letting my addiction get the best of me. I'm sorry for pushing you away, but most of all, I'm sorry for not telling you that I love you sooner, because I do love you. I love you with everything that I am and everything that I have."
I cupped her cheek in my palm and looked into her tear filled eyes. "You're the light in my dark, and when you smile it does something to me. It's a feeling I've never known before you, and I like it. When you showed up at the studio, I realized that I'd been existing in the dark. I've always had this dark fucking cloud hovering over me. Raining down on me every minute of the day. You've asked me before why I call you Sparkles." She gave me a weak smile and nodded her head. "Because you outshine everyone else. We can be in a venue full of thousands of screaming fans and you're still the only one that exists for me. You're the only one I see. I know you deserve so much better . . . "
Before I could finish my sentence she interrupted.
"I've loved you for years. The first time I saw you play, I fell in love with you. Your passion for your music shows. It's in the way you hold your guitar, and it's in every strum of a string. You make it easy for the fans to connect with you by pouring your heart and soul into it. Not everyone can do that," she whispered as she placed her hand over my heart. The warmth of her hand and words she spoke caused my heart to flutter in my chest. "I wish you could see what I see when I look at you, because you're amazing to me, so when I say that I love you, I mean it. I loved you long before you ever knew my name."