by Scott Lynch
“We’d really like to see her.” Before the guards could crowd in, Locke moved up to Vordratha, reached down to the man’s breeches, grabbed his balls through the silk, and gave them a considerable twist. “Or we’d like to see your physiker’s face when he gets a look at the bruises from this.”
Vordratha moaned, and his face turned shades of a color rarely seen outside of vineyards at harvest time. The guards edged forward, but Locke held up his free hand.
“Call your friends off,” said Locke. “I’m not a strong man, but I don’t have to be, do I? I’ll twist this thing so tight you’ll piss corkscrews for the next twenty years!”
“Do as he says, gods damn you,” gasped Vordratha.
“Simply take us to Verena,” said Locke, watching as the guards slowly backed away, “and I’ll return your valuable property to you without lasting damage.”
It was an awkward shuffle, with Vordratha stumbling backward and Locke maintaining his tight, twisted grip on the majordomo’s hopes of procreation, but it did the job of keeping the guards at bay.
“Well, how now, asshole?” said Locke. “No little quips for us? I’ve never steered a fellow along by his loot sack before. Sort of like steering a boat by the tiller.”
“Camorri dog … your mother … sucked—”
“If you finish that thought,” said Locke, “I’ll wind your precious bits tighter than a bowstring.”
Vordratha led Locke and Jean up a flight of stairs to the private dining hall where they’d met Sabetha before. The guards maintained a respectful distance, but followed en masse. Vordratha bumped the door to the hall open with his backside, and Locke saw that Sabetha was already waiting for them.
She was dressed sensibly for anything from signing papers to diving out windows, in black breeches, a short brown jacket, and riding boots. Her hair was wound around lacquered pins; doubtless they contained tricks or weapons or both. Behind her were three more guards, armed with coshes and bucklers.
“Hello again, Verena,” said Locke. “We were in the neighborhood and thought we’d investigate persistent rumors that Master Vordratha has no balls.”
“Isn’t this a bit crude, even by your relaxed standards?” said Sabetha.
“I suppose having your boot-print embedded in my ass makes me cranky,” said Locke. “Tell your friends to go away.”
“Oh, that sounds lovely! Shall I tie myself up for you as well?”
“We just want to talk.”
“Release Vordratha and we’ll talk as long as you like.”
“The instant I release Vordratha, all hell’s going to break loose. I’m not stupid. For a change.”
“I promise—”
“HA,” shouted Locke. “Please.”
“We have no basis for trust, then.”
“You’ve given us no basis for trust. I wasn’t the one—”
“This is getting personal.” Sabetha glared at him with real irritation. She was always less in control of herself when pushed, a hot anger in direct contrast to Jean’s cold fury. Locke had spent years desperately straining to read her, and he saw now that she had no clever plan for ending this standoff. His own position—his safety assured only so long as he could keep a grip on another man’s privates—suddenly struck him as painfully ridiculous.
“I want to speak to you,” he said, slowly. “Nothing more. I won’t harm you or try to take you from this place. I swear it absolutely on the souls of two men we both loved.”
“What could you—”
With his free hand, Locke made two of the old private signals.
Calo. Galdo.
Sabetha stared at him; then something broke behind her eyes. Relief? At any rate, she nodded.
“Everyone out,” she said. “Nobody lays a hand on these men without my orders. Release Vordratha.”
Locke did. The majordomo slumped to the ground and curled up in a half-moon of misery. Sabetha’s guards slowly backed out of the room behind her, and Jean crouched over Vordratha.
“I’ll get him out of here,” he said. “I think you two want some privacy.”
In a moment, Jean had carried the slender Vadran out the way they’d come, and Locke was once again facing Sabetha in an empty room.
“We can’t just use those names as magic words every time we find ourselves at cross-purposes,” she said.
“I know. But it’s not my fault I even had to—”
“Spare me.”
“NO!” Locke trembled with hunger, adrenaline, and emotion. “I will not be shrugged off! I will not have my feelings pushed aside for the convenience of whatever pose you think you’re adopting here.”
“Your feelings? We’re in Karthain working for the Bondsmagi, damn it, we’re not children fumbling around in the back of a wagon!”
“You used me.”
“And that’s what we do,” she said. “Both of us, professionally. I tricked you, and I meant to trick you, and I’m sorry that hurts, but this is our trade.”
“Not this. You didn’t just trick me. You used the deepest feelings I have ever had for anyone, and you know it! You exploited a weakness that only exists when I’m around you!”
“Woman convinces man to impale himself on his own hard-on. There’s a very old story! The world didn’t stop just because it happened again.”
“I’m not an infant, Sabetha. I’m not talking about sex; I’m talking about trust.”
“I put you on that ship for your own gods-damned good, Locke. I knew this would happen! I didn’t just need you out of the way and I wasn’t just minding your health. I knew you’d beat your brains out against your stupid obsession.”
“Oh, marvelous. Lovely fucking plan, because I certainly didn’t think about you once during the nine days it took to get back to Karthain.”
She had the good grace to glance away.
“What the hell is this, anyway? First you don’t need to justify yourself at all, and now it was for my own good?” Locke, feeling hot, angrily unbuttoned the stained, oversized riding jacket he’d taken from the stolen carriage. “And you are NOT a stupid obsession!”
“I’m a grown woman who’s telling you we cannot wind the clock back five years just because you can’t work up the courage to make a pass at someone else.”
“Courage? Who the hell do you think you are, telling me about my courage? Courage is what it takes to come after you! Courage is what it takes to put up with your self-righteous gods-damned martyr act!”
“You cocksure, self-entitled, swaggering little ass!”
“Tell me you never liked me,” said Locke, advancing step by step. “Tell me you never found me worthwhile. Tell me we didn’t have good years together. That’s all it would take!”
“Stubborn, fixated—”
“Tell me you weren’t pleased to see me!”
“… presumptuous—”
“Quit telling me things I already know!” They were suddenly less than a foot apart. “Quit making excuses. Tell me you can’t stand me. Otherwise—”
“You … you … whew, Locke, in faith, you reek.”
“Is that a surprise? What was I supposed to do, swim back to Karthain?”
“You were supposed to stay on the damned ship! I gave very specific directions about the availability of baths, for one thing.”
“If you wanted me to stay on the ship,” he said, “you should have been on it.”
“You look ridiculous.” Locke fought for self-control as Sabetha slowly ran two fingers down his left cheek. “You look bowlegged. Gods above, did you leave any dust on the road after you passed?”
“You can’t, can you?”
“Can’t what?”
“Can’t tell me to get lost. Not to my face, not now that I’ve called you out. You don’t really want me to go away.”
“I do not have to explain myself by your terms!”
“Better cinch up that jacket, Sabetha, I think your conscience is showing.”
“We are servants of the Bondsmagi,” s
he whispered angrily. “We came here of our own free will, and we both screwed things up badly enough that we need this. Our position is precarious. And if we get too friendly, at least one of us gets killed.”
“I know,” he said. “I’m not saying we don’t need to be careful. I’m just pointing out that there’s nothing forbidding us from having a personal life.”
“Everything personal is business with us.” She brushed the dust from his cheek against her coat. “And all of our damned business is personal.”
“Have dinner with me.”
“What?”
“Dinner. It’s a meal. Men and women often have it together. Ask around if you don’t believe me.”
“For this you twisted my majordomo’s balls off?”
“You said we’re not kids fumbling around in the back of a wagon, and you’re right. We’re in charge of our own gods-damned lives no matter how hard we’ve been kicked around. We can set the clock back however many years we like. It’s ours to set!”
“This is crazy.”
“No. Two weeks ago I was begging to die. That’s crazy. Two weeks ago I came this close, this close.” He held up a thumb and forefinger with no space at all between them. “I hit the black wall between this life and the next, believe me. I am through fucking around. Maybe this is going to complicate the hell out of things. So what? You’re the complication I want more than anything else. You’re my favorite complication. No matter what sort of holes you poke in my trust.”
“You know, self-pity is the only thing that smells worse than four days of road sweat.”
“Self-pity is about the only straw left to cling to after YOU happen to a fellow,” said Locke. “We can have this if we both want it. But you have to want it, too. This isn’t me trying to convince you of anything, unless …”
“Unless?”
“Unless some part of you is already convinced.”
“Dinner,” she said softly.
“And a contractual option for … subsequent complications. At your discretion.”
She couldn’t or wouldn’t meet his gaze during the silence that filled the next few seconds. Locke’s blood seemed to turn to gel in his veins.
“Where are we going?” she said at last.
“How the hell should I know?” Relief hit so hard he wobbled on his feet.
Sabetha’s right arm darted out and caught him around the waist. They both stood staring at the point of contact for a long, frozen moment, and then she drew back again.
“Are you all right?” she said softly.
“I, uh, guess I really liked your answer. But come now, how much time have you left me to figure out where anything is in this damned city? You’re morally obligated to pick the place. Tomorrow night.”
“Let it be sunset,” she said. “Do you trust me to send a carriage?”
“Jean and I won’t be together,” said Locke. “We’ll make sure of it. If I don’t come back in a reasonable amount of time, you can face him, pissed off and unrestrained. How’s that for a safeguard?”
“Not trouble I’d invite if I could help it.” She put her hands behind her back and regarded him appraisingly. “What now?”
“Depends. Do I still have an inn to go home to?”
“I’ve left Josten alone. Mostly.”
“Well, then, I’ve got to go soothe my children and, uh, figure out just how the hell I’m going to beat you.”
“Cocksure, infuriating little shit,” she said, without malice.
“Arrogant bitch,” he said, grinning as he backed toward the door. “Arrogant, stubborn, gorgeous bitch. And hey, if I catch one whiff of that perfume you were wearing last time—”
“If I catch one whiff of horses and road sweat, you’re going back to sea.”
“I’ll take a bath.”
“Take two. And … I’ll see you tomorrow, then.”
“You will,” said Locke.
He reached the door, crediting himself with enough wits to not turn his back on her, at least not yet. He was about to leave when another thought struck him.
“Oh, you know, we did borrow some horses to get here. We put them in a bad way. Would you mind stabling the poor things?”
“I’ll clean up after you, sure. And …”
“Yes?”
“Is Jean all right? His face—”
“He broke his nose getting off your ship. He’ll be fine. You know what it takes to really slow him down. It occurs to me, though, that you still have his Wicked Sisters.”
“I’ll give them back … soon.” She smiled thinly. “They can be my hostages for your good behavior.”
“If you need hostages, you could always try a gentler version of what I just did to Vord—”
“Get the fuck out of here,” she said, fighting back a laugh.
3
“SO WHAT did you get us?” said Jean.
“Uh, a dinner date,” said Locke. “I think I should be able to discuss drawing a few sensible lines so none of us have to worry about waking up halfway to sea again.”
They’d walked out nonchalantly and claimed the first waiting carriage-for-hire, which was now rattling toward more friendly territory through the slanting late-afternoon shadows of the city’s towers.
“I assume you mentioned my sisters?”
“She’ll give them back if I behave.”
“Fine, then.”
Jean’s voice still had an alarming nasal quality, and Locke made a mental note to have him examined by a physiker whether he liked it or not.
“You’re not mad?” said Locke.
“Of course not. I presume you two idiots hinted to one another about relighting old fires?”
“That was my distinct impression.”
“Well, assuming you don’t let her drug you again, I’m proud of you. I’m the last man on earth who’d discourage you from chasing the woman you adore. Believe me. See to business and then make it as personal as possible.”
“Thanks.” Locke grinned, and enjoyed a brief moment of actual relaxation, one that ended as soon as he blinked and realized that Patience was seated just across from him, lips folded into a scowl below her night-dark eyes.
“I’d say you’re placing an alarming emphasis on pleasure over responsibility, wouldn’t you?” she said.
“Gods above!” Locke edged away from her reflexively, and saw Jean flinch as well. “Why couldn’t you show up on the street like an ordinary person?”
“I’m no good at being an ordinary person. Your recent behavior has been darkly amusing, but I must confess that my colleagues and I are starting to worry about the effectiveness of your overall plan of resistance. If, indeed, such a plan exists.”
“It had to be set aside for a few days,” said Locke. “We did manage to escape total humiliation, no thanks to you.”
“How would you know where the thanks should fall?”
“I don’t remember you offering us a spare boat and a hot meal when we were trying not to drown,” said Jean.
“Unseasonal hard winds blew you off course for most of a week, leaving you within spitting distance of shore, and you didn’t stop to ponder the implications?”
“Wait,” said Locke. “I thought you were strictly forbidden from—”
“I won’t confirm or refute any conjecture,” said Patience, sounding satisfied as a cream-fed cat. “I’m merely pointing out that your vaunted imaginations seem to be flickering rather dimly. Of course it’s possible we aided you. It’s possible the other side had bent the rules as well, and earned a bit of a rebuke. You’ll never know for sure.”
“Damn it, Patience,” said Locke, “you were at pains to assure us that the rules of your stupid contest are ironclad!”
“And you were at pains to insist that you didn’t trust me any farther than you could throw this carriage.”
“Why the hell are you even here? Do you have some message?”
“The message is this: Mind your task, Locke Lamora. You’re here to win, not to woo.
”
“I’m here to do both. Carte blanche was the deal. Are you reneging?”
“I’m just relaying—”
“My disinterest in your bullshit is so tangible you could make bricks out of it. Carte blanche, yes or no?”
“Yes,” she said. “But you should be very, very careful how long you test our forbearance. When dealing with a horse that won’t make speed, one tends to apply a whip to its flanks, doesn’t one?”
“You told me you people love to sit back and watch your agents run around entertaining you. So kindly sit back, shut up, and be entertained.”
“I intend to be,” she said. Between heartbeats she was gone, without so much as a rustle of fabric.
“Gods damn it,” said Locke. “Tell me I wouldn’t be such a tremendous pain in the ass if I had those powers.”
“You’d be worse,” sighed Jean. “I’d have killed you myself a long time ago. And you know what else?”
“Hrrrm?”
“Patience can lick scorpions in hell. You and Sabetha take your time and sort out whatever the last five years have done to you. I’m here to mind the shop whenever you’re out.”
4
“OH, GODS,” said Nikoros, who was sitting at Josten’s bar behind a half-finished drink that was a bit too large and a bit too early in the day. “Oh, thank the gods! Where have you two been?”
“On the road, dear fellow,” said Locke, seizing Nikoros around the shoulders and pulling him to his feet. Locke ground his teeth as he noticed the sharp smell of something alchemical on Nikoros’ breath, and his dilated pupils, but there was no time to berate him just now. “Engaged in terribly important secret affairs! Where do we stand?”
“We’re, uh, beset by unexpected complications,” said Nikoros, bewildered. “We’re getting our asses kicked. The bookmakers are projecting a fourteen-seat Konseil majority for the Black—”
“That’s great,” said Locke, flush with the heady exhilaration that comes from absolute freedom to bullshit absolutely. “That’s excellent. That’s the whole point of the exercise! Master Callas and I have been making careful arrangements to create the false impression of a total state of disarray on our side. Get it? We’ve got the Black Iris right where we want them.”