On the bus, I could feel the exhaustion start to overtake me. Jumping in the shower, I popped a couple of my pills hoping they would work tonight.
Before unconsciousness took me, I thought over things that Dr. J had been saying. "You need to talk to someone about that night", "Let it go", "She won't be a part of your everyday life", were the thoughts that lulled me into my nightly hell.
He was holding her in his arms…rocking her. He had the nerve to cry! I was furious and rage filled. I screamed at him before I launched myself onto him. My fists clenched tight as I slammed them into his face, over and over, before he grabbed my wrists and threw me against the wall.
"This is your fault you bastard! You should’ve never happened! You shouldn’t be here. You ruined all of it and now…and now…The gun was back in his hand and I was staring straight into the cold steel. I heard the click but moved before I heard the roar past my head. I launched at his legs and he slipped on the blood….her blood. Rage
Jerked awake, I screamed. Trying to push everything from my mind, I pressed the palms of my hands into my eyes. Elliott was next to me before anyone else with a wide-eyed look.
"I'm fine," Groaning, I threw myself back onto my bed.
"Do you need anything?" Jackson sat on my bed and yawned.
"Nothing works." Rolling over, I buried my head under a pillow to hide the tears escaping.
"There is one thing." he stood. I heard the door close.
Sitting up I grabbed the TV remote and tried to preoccupy myself for the rest of the night.
I drug my ass to the shower as soon as I heard the rest of them moving around, hoping the cold water would wake me. After getting dressed, I got off the bus and went straight to the first coffee pot I could find.
We were in Topeka now with a show tonight. Then we would be on our way to Minneapolis where we would stay for a few of days.
Heading into the arena to rehearse, I passed Mia who was watching me for some reason. After all the rehearsals, we waited backstage once again.
"So I think we should definitely go out while we are in Minneapolis. Let's hit a local bar, we haven't done that for a while." Elliott was speaking aloud to whoever would answer.
"Sounds like a plan" Jimmy voiced.
"I don't know, I think I'm gonna wait till we get there to see what's going on." Jackson added. "What about you Christopher?"
"What?" I grumbled.
"Jesus, dude, grumpy much? Shit!" Elliott shot out.
"Whatever," I shrugged.
I tried sleeping again on the bus on the way to Minneapolis. Sleeping was not an option and the pills were barely enough to make me fall asleep anymore. Calling Doctor J, he offered to get a different prescription sent. I asked for a script that could keep me awake; however, he refused to provide them.
My last attempt was to take one more pill, on top of the other two, just to get to sleep a couple more hours. Finally, I fell asleep only to wake a couple of hours later sweating and panting. Grabbing the pill bottle, I tossed it into the garbage can on the other side of the bus. My guitar and my notebook became my only form of distraction for the remainder of the trip.
* * * * *
It had been over two weeks now, almost June, since our argument. Christopher's movements were sluggish. It was easy to see he hadn't slept and probably wasn't even trying to anymore. At least the constant caffeinated beverage he carried around made me assume so.
Maybe he just woke up. I mean, we are arriving ridiculously early in the morning. I'm even ready to go back to bed.
When we met Una at the front desk in the lobby, I leaned in to her ear.
"Una?"
"Hmm?" She was signing the papers for check-in.
"Is he alright?"
She looked up. I nodded toward Christopher who was leaning against a wall with his hand in his hair waiting for the elevator.
"He doesn't look well. Perhaps he’s sick?" Una tried to ease my curiosity.
Pursing my lips at her, she saw I wasn't buying it.
"Okay, he's probably having some 'issues' again." She didn't look at me and that was fine. I couldn't stop watching him.
Why do I feel so responsible? It's not my fault he can't sleep. It's not my responsibility to take care of him. So why do I feel like the asshole? Yeah, he sleeps when he is with me, but he needs professional help. Sure, I could help him out – sometimes. Maybe I should….No. I'm not going to start that all over again.
Laney snapped me back to reality when she grabbed my arm and pulled me to the elevator.
The doors opened when we got there and we climbed on as one large group. Standing opposite of him, I could see the dark purple under his eyes and the furrowed brow. He was exhausted.
Laney rambled on with Jackson, but I wasn't really listening to what they were saying until we came to our floor and headed toward our rooms.
"So breakfast in our room, okay?"
I returned to the conversation going on around me just as Laney was shouting to Jackson. He nodded and smiled at her.
"What was that about?" I asked.
"Weren't you listening?"
I shook my head. She eyed me skeptically.
"They're coming over to our suite for breakfast in a few hours." She smiled and pulled us quickly to the room. "That means I need to get everyone dressed."
"Whoa there Laney, I'm climbing into my large king sized bed and getting some shut eye. Count me out of dress up time." She pouted, but I wouldn’t sway. "We don't have to do a damn thing until the show tonight, so I'm going to get some sleep and then get out for a while."
Kat led the way into the suite and we disappeared into our separate bedrooms. Stripping off as much clothing as possible along the way, I climbed into bed. My mind, so wrapped up in guilt, I couldn't fall asleep.
Why should I feel guilty? It's not my fault. I just…I mean…Shit! I can't even think straight enough to argue with myself! Frick'em frack'em, rick'em…ack! After exhausting my brain with my nonsense, it shut down and I fell asleep.
About two hours later, Laney was being so loud playing breakfast host. I had no choice but to drag my ass into the shower. Once showered, I threw on some baggy jeans and a white tank top. Laney gave me the 'outfit disapproval look' when I entered the living room.
Everyone had already arrived and most were eating, except Christopher. He was sitting in a chair with coffee in his lap and his head back on the chair. His eyes closed, but even from across the room I could still see the darkness had reached his lids as well as some puffy redness.
Cue my feeling of being responsible. It's not my fault. It's not my fault. Not my responsibility. He is not my responsibility.
Walking to the food lain out, I loaded up a plate before sitting at the breakfast bar. I was two plates of food in when Jimmy decided to call me out on my eating habits.
"Christ, I think Mia could eat more than Elliott!" He laughed and looked from me then to Elliott.
"Oh trust me, she would give him a run for his money" Serena laughed. I glared at her.
"Shut up," I yelled back.
"Where the fuck does it all go?" Jimmy walked over and looked me over.
I smacked his arm.
"Leave me alone. I can't help it if I like to eat." I stuck my tongue out at Serena.
"Anytime you want to have an 'eat off' you let me know" Elliott said smiling at me widely.
"I'll be sure to do that," I smiled back sarcastically and threw out my garbage.
"Okay, so what does everyone have planned?" Laney looked around.
"Kat and I are headed to the pool," Serena said. "Mia, you in for the pool?"
I nodded.
Laney pouted. "I wanted to go shopping."
"Better luck next time shop-aholic."
Kat and Serena giggled.
"Girls in bikinis? I am so in!" Elliott said loudly. "What do you say Christopher, girls in bikinis?"
"Whatever," he grumbled.
Damn it. It's not my responsibility. He nee
ds to talk to a professional or something. Besides, he isn't showing up at my door, so maybe he is getting better.
I damn well knew he wasn't getting better. It was a load of crap I was trying to feed myself to feel less responsible. All I had to do was look at him and I could see he was suffering.
"I have a meeting late this afternoon, but whatever. I don't care."
"You are such a miserable prick lately," Elliott voiced.
Christopher gave him the finger.
"Okay, sounds like we are pool bound."
Laney jumped up and hurried off to her room. I'm sure she had some special waterproof, pool proof make-up and hair products to apply. The guys left to get ready while we changed into swimsuits.
Again, I fought an internal battle over my unwarranted guilt. I did throw him out, but he deserved it.
"Let's go," Kat pounded on my door and stopped myself deprivation.
We were the first people at the pool. The water was cold and it wasn't exactly hot outside at ten in the morning. However, if the weather reports were correct, it would be an exceptionally warm day for late May. Elliott pushed Jackson in, which resulted in Jackson splashing everyone.
After swimming for an hour, my skin resembled a prune. I packed up my stuff and told Serena I was going back up to the suite. On the way, I pass by Christopher, who was sitting in a lounge chair with his head lolled back. He had sunglasses on so I couldn't tell if his eyes were shut or not.
Damn it, Mia. Just keep walking.
With a large breath, I nudged Christopher's arm and motioned for him to follow me. At first, he wasn't following, so I figured he wasn't coming. I tried.
He appeared when I was getting on the elevator. It was a silent trip up to our floor. He hesitated when I walked pass his room door, but he continued to follow me.
After changing into my jeans and tank top I had on earlier, I found him standing against my doorframe. Motioning toward the bed, I sat down and grabbed for my favorite blanket.
"You don't have to –"
"Just lie down."
I curled up inside the familiar blanket. Moments later I heard his breathing even out and when I looked over my shoulder, he was fast asleep. Sighing, I lay my head down, looking at him.
He really was physical perfect. A strong chin currently covered in rough looking stubble, but it still couldn't hide his gorgeous face. Dark lashes lined the lids that covered eyes so blue and expressive. His lips were full and his skin, damn, his skin would make any woman jealous. All this set off by his unruly blue-black hair.
Earlier in the tour, his hair stuck out is sharp spikes, but now it had grown out some. My mind drifted to how his hair felt when I had put my hand on his head, it was thick and soft. I even remembered his scent, like a forest after a storm. Taking advantage of the moment, I inhaled deeply and slowly fell asleep to his familiar smell.
Voices woke me up. Looking up at the bedside clock, I saw we had been asleep for a little over 2 hours.
"Mia?" Serena shouted and leaned into my room. "Oh shit!" She yelled in a whisper. "I'm sorry," she whispered.
"Don't worry about it." I whispered and got off the bed.
Walking toward the door, I looked back. Christopher was still sleeping and was in the same position he fell asleep in. I closed the door behind me.
"What the hell is going on?" Serena interrogated.
Laney and Kat came out of their rooms and looked at us curiously.
"Nothing," I shrugged.
"He is nothing?" She argued, pointing toward my door.
"Ooohh…what did we miss?" Kat asked.
"Shhh!" Laney motioned for Kat to shut up as they huddled together like spectators. All they needed was a bag of popcorn.
"Mia here has decided to let him back in." The emphasis she put on 'him' didn’t go unnoticed.
"Oh," Laney and Kat said in unison. They raised their eyebrows and both wore sly smiles on their faces.
"Jesus Christ! It's none of your business!" I spit out at her. "I felt bad okay?" I sat down on the couch.
"You've seen him. He looks like shit and he isn't sleeping. I was just helping him out so he wouldn't be such a wreck."
Serena sat down next to me and sighed.
"I just don't want you to get hurt."
"He's not going –"
"I'm not talking about just physically Mia"
"Serena it's not like that between us, it's just…I don't know what it is, but it's not like that."
"Are you sure?" She raised her eyebrow.
"Of course." I rolled my eyes. "You've seen how he treats me. Remember he's an asshole to me?"
"Yeah, sure." She looked like she was going to give up, but she turned back to me. "Mia, did you notice anything when you were on stage with him?" I shook my head at her and gave her the 'you're crazy aren't you' look. "I didn't think so."
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"It's just –"
Christopher stepped out of my bedroom door.
"Um…thanks." He quickly ran his hand through his hair, waved and left.
"See….nothing." I headed back to my room to get away from the conversation.
"I hope their fucking," Kat blurted.
"What?" Laney giggled loudly.
"I hope she's getting something worthwhile in this little deal." Kat laughed.
Shutting my door, I didn't want to hear anything else.
Chapter Fourteen
Both my mind and body were exhausted. I barely made it to the first poolside lounge chair. Hell, I was even too tired to bitch at Jackson for splashing water on me.
With my head resting against the chair, my sunglass protected eyes from the sun. They also, hid my focused attention on Mia when Elliott pulled her into the pool. She emerged. Her dark saturated hair slicked back, her eyes even more prominent with the dark tendrils out of the way. It was easier to see the tattoo on her back as well, which looked to run down the length of her spine.
My muscles tightened in anticipation of her close proximity. The way she enticed me had my nerve endings tingling. Sitting motionless as she began to walk pass, disappointment flooded me without my consent. I seriously thought I might lose it over the unwanted feeling, but then she nudged me.
For a moment I froze thinking my sleep deprived brain imagined it all, but then I took the leap of faith. Neither of us spoke, until I weakly tried to protest her offer. I barely remember putting my head down. Exhaustion crept over my eyelids and stilled my body.
It was only a few hours of sleep, but when I woke, I felt better. Better, but alone. Her scent lingered in the emptiness next to me.
Looking to the clock I had a couple of hours before my meeting with Dr. J. Deciding it was time for me to leave, I collected myself. Mia and Serena were sitting on the couch and I didn't know what to say. With only a thank you, I left quickly. The tension between them was thick and I knew it had to be about me. Serena wasn't shy about making her feelings well known. Who could blame her though? If only she knew everything, she would really hate me.
Just as I threw my towel onto the floor, there was a knock at the door. Sliding into a pair of clean jeans, I grabbed the towel, tossed it over my shoulders, and answered the door.
"Good afternoon Christopher." Dr. J wore a pleasant smile.
"Hey," Motioning for him to enter, I stepped back from the door and rubbed the towel over my head.
"Did I catch you at a bad time? I know I'm a bit early."
"Nah, it's good." Sitting onto the couch, I pulled towel back around my shoulders.
"You don't look too bad, a little tired, but not as bad as I expected." He took a seat in the overstuffed chair on my right.
"Yeah, about that…" Time to confess.
"Ahh…you had her help?" He grinned.
Rubbing the back my head, I pulled the towel from my shoulders.
"Uh, yeah, this afternoon." Keeping my eyes focused on the towel, I folded it onto the cushion next to me.
"It's okay."
/> My head snapped up to see if he was joking.
"You clearly trust her more than anyone else." There was a small shrug in his shoulders.
He chuckled at my brow of confusion.
"Have you thought any more about why she seems to help with your 'situation'?"
I didn't say anything. I mean, I'd about it a little, but didn't analyze that shit. He was the one being paid to figure this shit out for Christ's sake.
He smiled again.
"I'll take that as a no." He sighed. "Look Christopher, she, for whatever reason, represents some sort of trust and comfort you don't seem to have with anyone else; unless there's another emotion or reason you can help me figure out?"
"Another emotion?" Leaning back, I shook my head.
"Okay, then I'll have to go with trust since there're no other feelings you can offer." He eyed me from in his peripheral vision.
"What?" I spat. "Don't start acting like those other head-shrinkers."
"How about you answer some questions for me, unless you want to talk?" He looked hopeful, but I wasn't going to spew my guts out. So, I shook my head.
"Okay. Tell me exactly what happened the other morning when you called me." He sat back and got comfortable while I went through it all. When I finished, he didn't say anything.
"Alright, now tell me about the following days, leading up to her 'help.'" So I told him about not being able to sleep, the pills losing most of the minimal effect they had, and having the dreams. Then I told him about today with Mia and sleeping.
"So, she wasn't there when you woke up in the bed?" He leaned forward, elbows to knees.
"No, why?"
"Well, it seems you need her to fall asleep, but I wonder how long it takes you to wake up after she gets out of bed or if you even realize it at all." He rubbed his head. "Hm."
"So now you're going to tell me I shouldn't let it happen again, right?" Putting my head back on the chair, I made a silent vow to disobey his order before he made it.
"No."
For the second time, I looked at him completely confused. "What? I thought that –"
"Christopher, if it's trust and comfort she gives to you, then we can work with this, for now. If she's willing to allow you to sleep there, then go ahead. However, you still need to realize once she is gone from your life you won't have that. You need to deal straight on." He paused to look me in the eye.
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