I pulled up a wooden chair beside the fire. I was tired, yet restless. I wasn’t ready to climb back into bed. My mind swam with too many thoughts – dark thoughts – horrendous images kept replaying over and over again like I was being forced to watch them – brainwashed. I was sure that if they carried on being replayed, I would eventually turn insane. Was that what had happened to Sylvia Green? Why she was now locked up in a mental institute? Had she gone crazy with horrendous images constantly playing in her head? Or had she become dangerous like Howard and Wendy? And what of Robert and Alex? We knew nothing about their state of health or mind, only of what the bishop had told us, and that hadn’t really been much. It was hard to compare Max, Raven, Jude, and myself to Robert, Alex and Sylvia; after all, they had been given a different batch – a different strain of this demon stuff – theirs being VA10 and ours VA20. I wondered if that was the reason Ben Fletcher had said I was Doctor Middleton’s breakthrough miracle. VA10 obviously hadn’t worked the way that Middleton had wanted it to. Did that mean that VA20 wouldn’t kill me? My body had withstood the drug so far. I hadn’t turned into one of those zombie-creatures. I pulled up the sleeve of my top and looked at the black veins. If I could stay one step ahead of the cleaners and avoid all lone demons then maybe I stood a chance? Maybe I could live with VA20 inside me? That glimmer of hope was soon squashed when my mind started to unravel it. VA20 still hadn’t worked its way all around my body yet. It could still kill me when it had filled every single vein in me. What would I become?
I shovelled up some more coals with the brass scoop and threw them onto the fire. It crackled and hissed, sending seething hot sparks up the chimney. My mind started to wander back to Hannah. I screwed my eyes shut, willing the image of her jumping from the balcony away. I didn’t want to watch it again. I wanted to change the channel – watch a different programme. Music videos or a comedy would do. The Office or Friends always made me laugh. If only I had a remote control or the buttons to switch over the horror that kept haunting my head. I stood up and paced back and forth. Why couldn’t I rid myself of these awful images that were screwing up my head? Why wouldn’t my brain just shut down and give me some peace? I could feel myself filling with anger – frustration. I just wanted to sleep. I wanted to escape my own mind and sleep was the only place I could forget. I kicked out at the chair. It toppled over – clattering onto the bare floorboards. I didn’t care if I woke the others. Why should they sleep so peacefully? I was fired up. Ready for a fight. I wanted to hit someone – anyone. I wanted to vent my anger. Make them feel the pain that I was suffering – hurt them like I was hurting – spill their blood like mine had. I grabbed large clumps of my hair in both fists and yanked down hard, gritting my teeth. I wanted to scream at the top of my voice – yell so hard – go on some mad frenzy – smashing everything up that I came across. I wanted everyone to feel my pain.
“I just want some fucking sleep,” I snapped through my gritted teeth. Tears spilled down over my face.
“Hey, come here,” a voice whispered through the dark.
I spun around. My tears of anger turned into tears of sadness. I stood and faced Jude. He was standing at the end of the bed in just his trousers, his hair messed up. He held out his hand for me to take.
I swallowed down the hard lump stuck in my throat – my breathing a series of short judders. I took a step nearer and tried to wipe my frustrated tears away, but they kept coming.
“I’m messed up… I can’t stop thinking about everything,” I sniffed, “I just want to sleep. I want to wake up and go back to my life before I lost my job – before I lost my dad. I’d rather spend the rest of my life watching him get pissed every night than live through all this shit… all this death… blood… hell. I don’t want to be here… I don’t want this.” I looked down at my feet. My tears splashed them. “I want someone to take me away from all this… I want to get off this awful ride but it won’t stop – it keeps getting faster. I’m stuck, I can’t get out.” I threw my hands up to my face and covered my eyes.
“Hey, I’ve got you, I’ll keep you safe, we’ll get off this ride… I promise.” Jude wrapped his arms around me.
The warmth from his body comforted me – soothed me – wrapped me in a cocoon. I hugged my arms around him and held him tight. I needed this. I wanted to feel safe. I wanted to feel company. I wanted to rid myself of this loneliness that engulfed me.
“Look at me,” hushed Jude, taking my chin in his hand and tilting my head up. “I won’t let anyone take you. I’ll look after you – all of you – even Raven – okay?”
I stared into his eyes. They were so crystal clear it was like looking into eternity. For the little time I had known Jude, this was the first time I had seen him look so sincere – so heartfelt. I wanted to believe him – I wanted to believe he could keep us all safe. I had to. I didn’t know if I had it in me to keep going – to stay strong – to stay safe – to remain sane.
“I’ll make you feel better,” whispered Jude, wiping an escaped tear away from my cheek. “Come on.” He took my hand and led me back to the bed. I climbed under the covers and let Jude hold me close. His warm, smooth skin against me eased the troubles that were fighting inside my head – calmed me like I was floating on a velvety still ocean. I looked up into his eyes. That alluring twinkle seemed to send a message to me – a message telling me to kiss him. I looked down at his lips. They almost begged me to taste them. I wanted more than a hug to make me feel better. I wanted Jude. I wanted his body to wrap itself around mine and overpower me. I closed my eyes and felt his lips against mine. But it wasn’t enough. I pulled him against me – my hands slipped over his tight skin – my fingers roamed over the muscles of his stomach. My body ached for him – craved for more than just his touch. His hands slipped under my top – his fingers releasing the catch on my bra. Before I knew it, my top was off and I could feel his skin pressed against my breasts. He pushed me down on the bed and climbed over me. His lips floated over the skin of my neck and down between my breasts. I reached down and gently eased his face back up to mine. He kissed my lips and whispered softly into my ear.
“I wanted you the moment I saw you.”
I opened my eyes. What the hell was I doing? Was I losing it? I looked down at my naked chest covered in a criss-cross of black veins and then back up into Jude’s face. I couldn’t do this. Not now. I had needed company, craved for someone to show me some love, but this was just going to open up a can of worms that I really didn’t need right now. I had enough problems without adding a guy to the list. I pushed Jude away and sat up.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I can’t do this. I’m not thinking straight.” I gathered up my top and covered my chest, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. What had I been thinking? Getting involved like that with Jude was a recipe for disaster. Not to mention that there were two other people in the room with us. I shook my head like I was trying to put some sense into me.
“It’s okay,” whispered Jude, his eyes looked sad – disappointed. “Maybe it is too soon? Maybe another time?”
I felt bad – guilty. I hadn’t meant to lead him on. I looked down at the floor in shame. “Let’s just get some sleep.” I turned my back on him and pulled on my top.
“How about a cuddle then?” whispered Jude, lying back down on the bed beside me.
I nodded my head. That was the least I could offer after leading him up the garden path and then dumping him. I lay down and let Jude wrap his arms about me. Willing myself to fall asleep, I closed my eyes tight.
CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR
The sun trickled through the gaps in the curtain making beams of light shine across the bedroom. The fire still burnt in the hearth but had died down a little through the night. I could hear the distant sounds of bird calls coming from outside. I sat perched on my elbows feeling somewhat relieved that we were all still here – we had made it through the night. I looked down at Jude. He was fast asleep. I felt my cheeks flush as I remembered what had hap
pened between us during the night. I felt stupid now – almost giving myself away like that. I hoped that everything would be all right between us when he woke up. Would he be angry? Would he be hoping that there was something between us now? That we would be more than just friends? Did I want more than that? I really wasn’t sure.
“What an idiot I am,” I mumbled. I really needed to get a grip. If the others could hold it together without jumping on each other’s bodies then I should also. I took a deep breath – even though I had messed up last night, I felt stronger somehow. Maybe the few hours I had managed to sleep had helped me. Maybe the sun shining through the window had brightened my spirits and left me feeling ready and hopeful for the future. Or perhaps it was because I felt more trusting of Jude. He had showed me a more caring side to him last night even though we had almost ended up sleeping with each other. I felt that I could trust him and that gave me some comfort. The worrying feelings I had felt yesterday on discovering the unplugged iPod at Hannah’s flat – the scary thoughts I had worried about – if I could trust the others, seemed to be a long way away now. I still didn’t have an answer as to how the iPod had been unplugged, but we had travelled together this far and had helped each other when we had needed to. Surely that meant something. If one of us was out to get the others, I’m sure it would have happened already.
I looked over at Max. Somehow he had managed to sleep all through the night on that wooden rocking chair. His blonde hair lay in silky strands across his face. He looked deep in sleep. I watched as his bare chest rose and fell with each dreamful breath he took. The black veins stood out like a sore thumb against his pale skin but hadn’t seemed to spread any further. That was a good sign. I wondered if I had fared the same during the night.
I slipped out from Jude’s arms and pulled on my boots. I needed the bathroom and I sure as hell wasn’t going to use the bedpan that Mrs. Gables had placed under the bed. A loud snore came from Raven and I smiled to myself. Hopefully a good night’s sleep had done wonders for her grumpy moods. I tiptoed across the bedroom and opened the door.
Not really knowing which way I should head, I decided to go along the hallway and check each door until I came across the bathroom. The first two doors were locked so I carried on until I came to the end. A small window allowed the sunlight through and I took a moment to gaze out onto the sunny morning. The window looked over the back garden. It was mainly lawn with a few shrubs and more Ash trees. Some stepping stones led up the garden to where a birdbath had been placed next to a set of garden chairs and table. Beyond the garden lay rolling fields of purple lavender and fields of wheat. I opened the window and breathed in the cool autumn morning. It reminded me of happier times. Days out in the country with Hannah and her parents. I stood for a while just staring out – wanting to hold on to those happy memories – if only I could pull them all in and place those memories in a glass jar – keep them forever – take one out when I was having a bad day and relive it again.
As I gazed out across the fields, Mrs. Gables came into sight. She was walking down the garden, carrying a basketful of wet washing. She stopped and started to hang up the clothes, carefully placing each item over the washing line and fixing them down with pegs. By the time she had finished, the washing line was full of the bishop’s shirts and trousers. A couple of Mrs. Gable’s flowery dresses had made it onto the line also, and as I went to walk away, something caught my eye. An odd piece of clothing had been hung onto the end of the line. It was a T-shirt with a picture of Beyoncé on it. Why would Mrs. Gables or the bishop have such an item of clothing? I couldn’t imagine either of them wearing it. I couldn’t imagine either of them being a fan of Beyoncé’s music. I tried to picture in my head what the bishop would look like wearing it with his long overgrown beard and eyebrows. What kind of event would he go to dressed in it? It certainly wasn’t something for church sermons – no, it couldn’t be his – but that only left Mrs. Gables. I sniggered to myself as I imagined her wearing it to a music concert – her apron tied over it – dancing along to Drunk in Love. Smiling, I walked back along the hallway. Everyone has their secret passion, their favourite tipple or treat – what was the harm? As long as they weren’t hurting anyone – who was I to mock Mrs. Gables and her love of Beyoncé? I turned into the corridor which ran above the main hallway. Looking down I could see that Mrs. Gables was still keeping her bonfire burning. The morning was warm and sunny; why keep the fire going? I guessed they were both stuck in their old ways – a bit eccentric.
I tried a couple more doors and finally came to the bathroom. Closing the door behind me, I used the toilet and then went to the sink and filled it up with warm water. A clean flannel had been placed beside the sink along with a bar of Pears soap. A quick wash would do. After the shower incident at Hannah’s flat, I had no intention of stepping foot inside one of them again. Taking a quick look around the bathroom, I soon realised that there was no shower, just an old roll-top bath. Looking at the chipped tiles around the wall, it was obvious that the bathroom hadn’t been modernised for a very long time.
I took my top off so I could have a look at myself in the mirror. I wanted to see how many more black veins had appeared overnight. It had been too dark last night when Jude had pulled my top off to see if they had got any worse. I was relieved to see that nothing much had changed – the VA20 hadn’t really spread. It was probably clogging up and getting stuck. I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not. Slowing the spread could bide me more time, but then if my veins were clogging up then that wasn’t good. Father Williams’s Rosary beads still hung around my neck. I took hold of the cross and gave it a little tug. I wanted to make sure it was going to stay put. I didn’t want to lose it. Even if it didn’t work on demons, at least it would help me against the cleaners.
I cleaned my face and then leant over the bath and washed my hair. After I had towel-dried it, I pulled my top back on and left the bathroom.
I was about to head back to the bedroom and wake the others when I noticed another set of small staircases at the end of the corridor. One led down to the lower floor, and the other up to the third floor. I stood at the bottom of the stairs and looked up, remembering the loud thump I had heard last night. Curious to see what the state of the third floor looked like, I took a couple of steps up and stopped – not too sure as to whether I should risk going up there after we had been told not to. I didn’t want to get caught by Mrs. Gables or the bishop. But then who would see me if even they didn’t go up there? My feet naturally took another few steps up like they had a mind of their own, and before I knew it, I was almost at the top. I stopped and re-questioned whether or not I should carry on. Perhaps I shouldn’t, I tried to tell myself. I didn’t want to go falling through the floor and end up landing on the bishop while he lay asleep in his bed – that wouldn’t be good. But perhaps just a tiny peek wouldn’t hurt. I carried on. After reaching the top, I was disappointed to see that the third floor was shut off by a padlocked door. It was bolted over by several locks. I shook my head. Why tell us not to go up here when we couldn’t get in anyway? As I turned to leave, the creak of the floorboards down below filtered up and I froze.
“Shit,” I cursed under my breath. Was that the bishop or Mrs. Gables? It didn’t matter which one it was – both would be angry if they caught me up here. I crouched down low against the padlocked door and hoped that whoever it was wouldn’t come up here. As I waited for the floorboards to stop creaking down below, I noticed what looked like five black smudged fingerprints at the bottom of the door. How strange. Why would anyone try to open the door from the bottom? Maybe it had become stuck once and the bishop or Mrs. Gables had tried to pry it open from that angle? I quickly checked the rest of the door for further fingerprints but there were no more.
Peering down the staircase, I listened quietly to see if I could hear any more movement from down below. Silence. It was as still as the dead of night. Whoever it had been had gone, or at least I hoped they had. I didn’t want to be
trapped up here for ages. Taking a few steps at a time, I quietly made my way back down the stairs. The corridor was empty and I hastily headed back to the bedroom.
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