by Lina Langley
“Technically,” I said with a smile
He nodded. “I knew you’d see sense.”
I shook my head. There was always something so charming about Caleb.
“All right, let’s get out of here,” I said.
I walked to the car and he followed. The two of us made our way over to a pizza joint, a small place that was intimate enough to speak, but also not super fancy and formal. That worked for me, because I had no idea what this was. I didn’t know if it was a date or it was just two old friends—if we had ever even been friends—catching up. While a part of me liked the idea of it being something more, I didn’t know if I was ready for a relationship with him. After my experience with him, I wasn’t really into playboys. We sat down, and after the waitress got out drinks and pizza orders, Caleb turned to me.
“So you’ve been working at a lab all this time?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I said. “Why?”
“Just wondering,” he said. He didn’t say anything else for a little while. I continued looking at him for what must have been a very long time. He sighed, his shoulders slumping forward. “I’ve been thinking about you a lot, honestly. I wanted to call you out here and try to clear the slate.”
“Clear the slate,” I echoed.
“Tell you I’m sorry,” he replied. “For what happened back in college. I don’t know how deeply it affected you—hell, you might never even think about it—but it sure as hell affected me.”
I clenched my fists, feeling nervous when I heard that. “You don’t know how deeply it affected me?”
“I don’t like to think I’m overly important in people’s lives,” he replied.
“You were important,” I replied.
There was a little smile, like he was satisfied with the fact that he was important. I couldn’t help but feel a little sick to my stomach at that. I don’t know if it was the liquid courage from the margarita I’d already had, but I decided to tell him the truth. He had been the one to call me here to apologize. He needed to know how I felt. “Yeah well, it wasn’t cool that you basically tossed me to the side in order to have sex with others,” I said. “I just...never got over that, and the fact that you were talking to me while planning to fuck someone the other night just didn’t sit well with me. Sorry for lashing out.”
He laughed, almost choking on his drink. “Oh my god, Devin, you haven’t changed a bit.”
I glared at him. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“He was my friend,” he said. “I was trying to wingman for him.”
I looked at him, my jaw dropping open. I had never heard of Caleb being the wingman for someone else. “Really?”
“Yeah,” he said. “It’s been a while since I’ve been on a date. Franky is my friend and I dropped the ball with him,” he said. “I have done that a lot lately. With my own dates, with his dates… Which brings me to the next point.”
“That brings you to your next point?”
“I’m trying to be honest,” he said. “With you and with myself. So here is some honesty. I was scared to have a relationship with you. I was a dumbass kid in college. I just thought the goal was to have sex and nothing more. When I found out you wanted more…I ran away from that.”
“You were afraid of commitment?” I said. That wasn’t an answer I was expecting from him. Caleb had never struck me as the self-aware type.
“I was afraid of liking you,” he said. “You didn’t want sex. I was good at sex. I wasn’t good at anything else.”
“You were afraid of liking me?”
“I did like you,” he said. “A lot. I… had never really experience anything like that. I run away from it. Then, later, I got sick of sleeping around. I realized I missed a huge chance with you. I wish that I hadn’t, but I did, and it was stupid. I was stupid.”
“I’m not going to say anything about that,” I said, smiling at him.
“Still a jerk, I see,” he said.
“I aim to please,” I replied.
“Anyway,” Caleb said, waving his hand in front of his face. “I feel bad for doing that. And I’m sorry.”
I smiled at him, taking a sip of my drink. “Thanks,” I said. “I appreciate it.”
Caleb raised his eyebrows.
“I never expected you to apologize,” I said quietly. “That’s all.”
“Well, I mean, I would like us to be friends,” he said. “But… I don’t know. If you wanted to, we could…”
“We could what?” I said, raising my eyebrows.
“You know,” he said. “If you wanted to, we could date.”
“Date?” I echoed, cocking my head. He was so quiet. Not at all like I remembered him asking me out when we were in college.
“Yeah,” he said. “If you wanted to, I mean. You don’t have to.”
I giggled. “I know I don’t have to.”
“I was just hoping to convince you,” he said. “Maybe we could…take it slow? I’m trying really hard to understand these feelings. I mean…I wouldn’t mind trying again. We don’t have to be lovers or anything, I just want to make it up to you. and plus, I’ve missed you. even before we dated, you were one of my closest friends. It’s been lonely ever since.”
I rubbed the bridge of my nose. I tried hard not to think about our friendship, my feelings had been so hurt by what he had done. “I would be lying if I didn’t think the same thing.”
“Yeah. So I want to take you out on a date, to try again. And hopefully…I don’t royally fuck it up this time.”
I couldn’t believe it. This man, the man that had been so confident and smart, so self-assured back in college, had just admitted he had fucked up.
“I don’t know,” I said.
“We could just be friends,” he replied.
“I know,” I said. “But it’s just—”
“I was a huge dick, I know,” he said.
I looked at him for a long second. “I’ll… I don’t know.”
“You don’t have to say yes,” he said. “I completely understand why you wouldn’t want to do this.”
“But you want me to?” I said, taking another sip of my drink.
“Yeah,” he said. “I do want you to. But—”
“Fine,” I said. “I guess we can be friends.”
I didn’t know what I could have said other than that. Maybe we could be friends. Maybe this was how I would get rid of him. If we became friends, I wouldn’t think about him all the time when I struck out.
“Good,” he replied, a smile on his face. “And I’ll be there for you. We can take it slow too. I’m not going to ask for sex on the first date or anything.”
I blushed. He talked about this so easily. “I thought we were just going to be friends,” I said.
“Yeah,” he said. “To start with. Then maybe, once I finally ask you out, we can have sex. But not on the first date. You still take things slow?”
I nodded, dropping my voice to a whisper. “I mean…I wouldn’t want that anyway. I’m still a virgin.”
He looked at me with a shocked expression. “For fucking real?”
“Yeah. I just never found the right person after all that,” I said.
“Well shit. I definitely won’t ask for that,” he said. “You can count on me.”
I felt reassured upon hearing that. “Yeah. Let’s take it slow,” he said. “Friendship, dating. Whatever.”
I looked right at him. I could tell he was serious about this. I felt a rush of excitement.
“Good. I like the sound of this,” I said.
The rest of dinner felt different. The two of us talked like old friends, catching up about college, relationships, his family, my family, despite the years of not seeing one another. We talked so easily. “I’m surprised I never ran into you at all after that,” I said to him.
“That’s because I felt terrible for what I did, and I didn’t want to bother you,” he said.
“So you avoided me?”
“Yes,” he said.
“And I was very good at it. I never expected to run into you at Cowboys.”
“Well, I’m glad that you did,” I told him.
“I’m glad I did too,” he replied.
The conversation eventually wandered to our interests, and I discovered that he still had the same ones I remembered. I crossed and uncrossed my legs a lot, a nervous habit. I accidentally kicked him once, which earned a chuckle. “What, trying to play footsie with me?” he teased.
“N-no. I just…feel a bit nervous. It’s strange, we talk about our favorite comics and movies like it’s nothing, but I’m still nervous around you,” I said.
“I know. I feel nervous too. I still feel like you hate me,” he admitted.
“I don’t hate you,” I replied. “Okay, a little bit.”
The smile on his face warmed my heart as he reached in, ruffling my hair. “Still hate me?”
I tried to straighten up my hair. “So much more,” I replied.
“Gosh, I’ve missed you.”
I missed him a lot too, and throughout the rest of the dinner, I could tell Caleb was feeling the same connection. I thought this was what I wanted, but there was that lingering doubt in my mind that he might leave. I was sure that nagging feeling would not go away for a while.
CHAPTER THREE
Our first date was really nice—if it was even a date. When I dropped him off at his car after that, he came forward, smiling at me.
“I want to do that again,” he said. “Do you still like ‘The Newsies’?”
They were one of my favorite bands back in college. “Yeah. I totally do. Why?”
“Because I can probably score some tickets for us, that is if you want to go,” he said.
“You’ve got those connections?” I asked with widened eyes.
“Yeah. Being a manwhore has its perks.”
I blanched.
“I’m joking, oh my God. I have friends,” he said. “You should chill out.”
I felt surprised. Even after all this time he was still super cool.
“Thanks,” I said. “I’d love that.”
“Well, that settles it. Your wish is my command,” he said with a smirk.
I felt the blood rush to my face as he did that. He was so damn attractive, so easy to talk to, and yet… I felt like such a loser compared to him.
After the exchange, I went home and flopped on the bed. As I checked my phone, there was a text already from Caleb. I’ll see you Friday at six. Give me your address. I’m taking you out. I got the tickets.
I was taken aback by how fast it was. I messaged him back asking if he was serious and he said yes.
I was so surprised by how much initiative he’s taken thus far. It was so different from how he was before. It felt like he was trying hard to make me happy, like he was trying hard to get close to me. I thanked him and told him I was excited to see him Friday at six.
The day came, and I made sure to look as good as possible. I put on a black turtleneck and some skinny jeans. When I heard the car pull up, I looked out, and there he was. He stepped out. I saw that he had on a band shirt and some ripped jeans. The way he looked made me blush. He always had such an interesting style to him. He was still fashionable, but maybe a little more adult. Things finally fit him properly, at least. When he came to the door, I opened it. He looked around, seeing the furnishings.
“Shit,” he said. “I didn’t know you even made the money to afford these apartments.”
“Shitty lab, good paycheck,” I replied, winking at him.
“Well, it’s nice. I like it,” he said to me.
“Thanks. I haven’t had anyone over lately,” I said. “You’re kind of the first.”
I didn’t want to sound so freaking lame, but I rarely had anyone over. I didn’t have many friends outside of coworkers that I saw at work, but I didn’t really call them “friends.”
“Well I’m honored to be one of the few to see your place,” he said with a smile.
I blushed, feeling a bit nervous about this. My hands continued to tense up a bit, my eyes focusing everywhere but on him. Why did I feel like this? Why were the butterflies in my stomach practically taking over me? I followed him to the car, which was a pretty decent sports car, and as we got in, he turned to me. “You ready?”
“Definitely,” I said.
The drive to the venue was short but sweet. I felt his hand snake into mine, which caused my body to grow tense with worry. I quickly took his hand on my own, squeezing it.
He smiled. “Don’t be so nervous.”
“It’s hard not to be. I’m still…trying to figure this out,” I admitted.
“Guess that makes two of us, because I’m doing the same thing,” he said.
We stepped out of our car once the valet took it, heading over to the line to get in. When it was time, we all stepped in, and I felt his hand against my own once again.
“Thank you for coming with me,” he said. “I’m glad you came. I was worried you wouldn’t come.”
“Why is that?” I asked.
“Because…honestly, after we broke up, I remembered that they came to town. I was supposed to go but I never did because I really wanted to go with you. But it was during that awkward time, and I thought that you hated me.”
I paused, seeing the slight guilt on his face. “I was pissed, but I didn’t really hate you. I hated you more when you just stopped talking to me period, acting like I didn’t matter.”
“Yeah. I was an idiot. So sorry about that. But I’m trying again.” I could see the dedication on his face, the way he smiled at me, and the seriousness in his eyes. He wanted to make this work, and I for one was happy about this as well.
“I want to as well.”
The show started. I remembered all of the songs like it was yesterday. I remembered when Caleb and I would hang out in his dorm, and we’d play their music. It felt just like old times. I turned to Caleb, who still had my hand in his. His touch felt so domineering and so nice at the same time. I felt small compared to him. As he pulled me closer, I encouraged the embrace. Our favorite song was played at the end, and when I heard it, I turned to Caleb. He smiled, giving me a wink before he spoke.
“I’m so happy we reconnected,” he admitted.
I nodded. “Same here. I’m glad we gave one another chance.”
He leaned in, pressing his lips to my own. I was surprised, but I quickly kissed him back. The touch between our lips enraptured me and I didn’t want to stop. This was the type of kiss I craved, the one that I’d been missing for a long time. The two of us kissed one another with a passion that I never thought I would have again. It was like all that time we spent away from one another was nothing, and as he pulled back, he smiled.
“I’ve missed that,” he said. “I’ve missed you.”
“I’ve missed it too,” I replied. “I missed you.”
The music kept playing, but we kissed once more. This was the best date I’ve been on, and I can tell that Caleb felt the same way in a sense. He seemed happy, and for the first time in a long time, I saw him smile. When we left, he walked us to the car, ignoring everything else. When we got in, he looked at me, touching my hair and smiling.
“You know,” he said before putting the car into gear. “I’ve never really been with anyone since we were together. Everyone that I saw… was just a fleeting thing.”
I closed my eyes.
“But anyway,” he said. “This is nice, and I want to do it again.”
“I do as well,” I replied.
I tilted my head up and kissed him softly on the mouth. It sent shivers down my spine. He moved his hand behind my hair and stroked the back of my neck. I could hardly think. It was all pleasure right then as he moved his hand down my skin. I shivered and he grinned. “Stop,” I said.
He moved his hand away from me immediately.
“I don’t want to fuck yet. I want to… wait for the right time,” I told him after swallowing.
“Hey, what’s a li
ttle more waiting?” he asked. “I’m just glad we’re together again.”
I blushed, feeling like I was being treated like a prince. I knew that the time would come soon, but I had no idea when. When it did, I was sure I would embrace it.
CHAPTER FOUR
After our date, I couldn’t stop thinking about him. Most of the time, I only thought about him after a terrible date. This was new. I was now thinking about him after a good date. When I was at work, I would think about him during my break, and I’d get all warm and fuzzy, much to the dismay of my coworkers.
Caleb took me on dates to my favorite places, and at one point, he even came to visit me at work, checking the place out. He couldn’t get very far in, but the fact that he cared enough to come see me felt nice, like he really cared about me. I felt like he was really trying to be a good boyfriend, and that he wanted to spend time with me. I didn’t know why I still had a nagging feeling that he might leave. Maybe it was because I was starting to feel different things, things that teetered on the edge of the L word. I shook my head. I could never tell him those words. I did feel that urge to have sex with him, something that I never experienced before. I did have feelings for him and I wanted to take things further with him.
One night, after a date to the carnival that was in town, we went back to my place, and that’s when I felt the urge. “Hey, do you want to come in?” I asked.
“Sure. What’s up?” Caleb asked.
He’d been invited in before, but this time, I had plans. I made sure to stock up on some lube, even though I had a bit. I also made sure that the dildo I liked was also on hand too. I had been waiting for this moment, and as I felt the time grow closer, I grew both as excited as I was nervous. When he stepped in, I closed the door, locking it. I went to the cabinet to get some wine, and I felt my body start to tremble.
“You okay?” Caleb asked with concern. He was sitting on the sofa, staring at me.
“Yeah. I’m just…I’ve got something to say,” I told him as I sat down next to him.
“Well, go say it,” he said. “I want you to tell me these things, Devin. Quit hiding things. This time, we’re supposed to be honest with each other, right?”