by Kim Lawrence
We both know that’s not true…he’d said! If she hadn’t forgotten how to, Eve might have laughed.
The fact was she felt she knew nothing, and understood even less! Her head was literally buzzing from lack of sleep and the unremitting stress of not knowing if her mother was okay. Her hormones were all over the place and last but not least was the fact that her secret lay very heavily on her conscience… Draco might be saying what she wanted to hear or she could be totally misconstruing a simple kindness.
Eve couldn’t trust her own judgement and this was too important to make mistakes and open herself up to ridicule or, even worse, pity!
Draco moved a little closer, lowering his voice as he approached the glass cot with its high-tech attachments. ‘How is he?’
‘They say he is a fighter.’
It seemed to Draco that he would need to be, but he kept silent. ‘How long have you been here?’
‘I’ve no idea,’ Eve admitted dully.
‘You’re exhausted.’
‘I’m fine. It’s Charlie who’s a wreck… He really loves Mum but I never thought he did. I thought he married her because of—’ her eyes slid to the incubator ‘—the baby, but I was wrong, so wrong, about so many things. If Mum dies I’ll never be able to say sorry.’ Her lips trembled as she blinked away the fresh rush of tears that threatened to overflow from her luminous eyes.
He took hold of the back of her chair. ‘Your mum is having the best possible care here.’ She turned her head slowly to look up at him, the shadowed sorrow in her incredible eyes wakening every protective instinct he possessed. He just wanted to hold her…for ever.
He touched her cheek lightly with one thumb, curling his hand to frame the side of her face, not touching but close enough to raise the sensitive, fine downy hair on her skin.
‘I j-judged Mum because of her affair with Charlie, but I always thought that she had been trapped into it, that she felt she had no alternative. That if she finished with him, she would lose the security of her job and her home. I told myself that was what kept her with him.’ She shook her head. ‘It made me feel better about their relationship somehow. Does that sound crazy?’
‘It sounds very normal.’
‘It never occurred to me to ask her, and we never spoke about it. It was one of those things she knew I knew, and I knew she knew I knew…’ The sound of a high-pitched alarm made her flinch and stare fearfully at the cot, panic building inside her. ‘Should we do…?’
Before she could finish a uniformed figure entered the room. Eve felt the comforting pressure of Draco’s fingers on her shoulder as they watched the midwife glance at the baby before she pressed a few buttons on the array of glowing dials and the noise stopped immediately.
‘Is he…?’
‘He’s fine. All our parents get spooked at first but after a while they read these things better than we do. The parents’ room is down the hall if you fancy a coffee or a break. Oh, I’m Alison, by the way. I’ve just come on shift and I’ll be looking after…any ideas of a name yet?’
Eve shook her head.
‘See you later, then.’ The rosy-cheeked midwife angled a questioning look at Eve’s face. ‘You OK, Mum?’
She didn’t trust herself to speak, let alone correct the mistake. It might be a mistake now but in the not so distant future she would be able to claim that tagline…Mum.
What if I’m bad at it?
Oh, God, she was so not ready for this!
If I’m not ready, imagine how Draco will feel.
Eve had imagined it; she imagined his reaction a dozen times a day.
She had worked through every possible emotion he might display, every accusation he might fling in the heat of the moment and she had her responses worked out…cool, calm understanding. She wouldn’t be hurt; she would be grown up. You’re going to be a mother, Eve, she told herself. It’s about time you grew up, don’t you think?
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
SHE WAS READY and totally prepared.
Every night she had gone to bed thinking she would contact Draco tomorrow, and on the following morning she had woken up and thought of a perfectly valid reason to leave it another day…and on the one day she had actually picked up the phone and dialled his number it had gone straight to messaging. Determined not to wimp out once she had got that far, Eve had rung his office, where she had got through to a particularly superior-sounding female who had left her on hold for what felt like hours and then told her Mr Morelli was not in the office today.
The moment she put the phone down Eve thought of the things she could have said…and thank you was not one of them! She had worked herself up into a state of fury, mostly aimed at herself for being so damned meek and not telling that snooty woman where to get off!
Why settle for the messenger? she had asked herself. Out of the office indeed! Sure he was! The man should do his own dirty work and someone should tell him that. She had actually got as far as putting on her jacket to go and confront him about avoiding her, when she lost her courage.
She’d have to find it again pretty soon!
‘I’m sorry about not correcting that midwife’s assumption we were the parents,’ she said.
Hearing the tears clogging her voice, he took a long deep breath and exhaled, expelling with the warm air the images the nurse’s comment had inserted in his head. As a parent he knew that empathy could take you only so far. Happily Josie had always been a healthy child, but the couple of times she had been really ill…not times he wanted to relive.
Sombre-eyed, he looked at the cot. What if they were the parents and this were their baby lying there?
‘Sorry, I know I should have explained to her but—’
A hissing sound of exasperation left his lips as Draco moved around the chair until he faced her, then, squatting down on his heels, he looked into her pale, unhappy face.
‘Will you stop apologising and will you stop imagining everything is your fault? It isn’t.’
‘Isn’t it? I had no idea how Mum felt. I just decided how I thought she should feel… I made it up as I went along.’
Draco gave a dry laugh. ‘Pretty much like being a parent…I’ve been making it up for fourteen years.’
She looked at him, her chest swelling with the level of love she felt when she looked at him. ‘You’re a good father.’
And he would be to their baby too. In her calmer, more rational moments Eve knew that, and she also knew that when he got over his anger and got used to the idea, which might take a bit of time, he would step up.
But Eve didn’t want duty; she wanted love.
‘I really believed that if I could give Mum an option, get her away from him, that she would take it,’ Eve admitted sorrowfully. ‘It seemed simple then; totally black and white.’ She gave a sniff, inviting his incredulity, anticipating his contempt. Unable to meet his eyes, she continued in husky-throated self-disgust. ‘I was such a kid.’
‘No, you were and are a daughter who loves her mother very much. Just what is the point in beating yourself up like this, Eve? There comes a point when guilt simply becomes self-indulgent. You are not responsible for what has happened,’ he said firmly.
Head down, she gnawed at her full lower lip as she listened. ‘Don’t make excuses for me; I’m a horrible person.’ She lifted her head and scowled at him. ‘Why are you smiling?’
‘Because you are not a horrible person and even if you were I’d—’ He shook his head and stopped, the words still love you staying unspoken because if ever there was a wrong time to say I love you, this was it.
‘Well, I am. Do you know how many times I’ve made an excuse not to see her? And when I knew about the baby…’ her tortured, self-recriminatory gaze went to the incubator where her brother fought for his life ‘…I couldn’t be happy for her.’
‘Well, you’re here for her now, and you’re here for Charlie and the baby.’
She nodded. ‘Yes.’
‘And it might be a long haul, so why don’t we follow the nice nurse’s advice—?’
‘She’s a midwife.’
‘The nice midwife’s advice and take a break?’
‘I couldn’t.’
‘Come on, I’m not taking no for an answer. You need a break.’
‘Since when did you ever take no for an answer?’ Except when she had told him to go and he had gone, she thought bleakly.
‘Then why bother arguing if I’m going to ride roughshod over your wishes anyway?’ he teased gently.
She shook her head mutely and looked at the baby. ‘He can’t even breathe for himself.’
‘He doesn’t have to. You can’t do anything here and they’ll let us know if there is any change. Charlie is with your mother. She’s doing well.’
‘They said that?’
Draco couldn’t bear to see the hope in her emerald eyes die. ‘I spoke to one of the doctors when I arrived.’ However he spun it, what he said would have no bearing on the outcome, and if it made it easier for Eve to bear right now, then as far as he was concerned a white lie was a no-brainer.
‘All those tubes and he’s so tiny…’ Her voice husked with emotion as she compressed her lips and looked away. ‘Charlie couldn’t even bear to look at him.’ The confession came in a rush as she expelled a shaky breath, gulping as she remembered the expression on her stepfather’s face when they had asked him if he wanted to see his son. ‘And if anything happens to Mum, the baby will be all alone.’
‘You can’t think that way, Eve.’ Emotion roughened his voice.
Her shadowed green eyes lifted; he made it sound so easy! ‘I can’t not.’
‘You mean you won’t.’
‘You make it sound as though I’m enjoying this.’
He looked from her angry, resentful face to her clenched fist and shrugged. ‘Hit me if it makes you feel better.’
‘Not all of us feel the need to resort to violence!’ The remorse she felt was instantaneous at her reminder of his actions towards Mark and she began to mumble an apology but he cut across her.
‘He won’t be alone—he’ll have you and Charlie. The man is just scared right now. Whatever happens, he’ll love his son. How could he not?’
‘My father didn’t love me.’ Her tired voice had a sing-song quality as she continued. It seemed to Draco that she had forgotten he was there. ‘He wanted Mum to have an abortion and he sent a letter telling her. I found it… I never told Mum. I just put it back. Mum was only a student and she had a holiday job on his estate. He treated her as though she were…and me, I was just rubbish to be got rid of.’
Draco could see it clearly, the girl who had carried the secret of her father’s rejection with her into adulthood. The image made his heart ache for her, and awoke his anger. If Charlford were here now…but he wasn’t.
He’d died and he was a small loss to the world, to Draco’s way of thinking, but it had robbed him of the satisfaction of confronting the man with his desertion…though what good would it have done? He had met the type before and when confronted with their misdeeds they were more often than not incapable of accepting their guilt, let alone feeling any remorse.
He sighed out the anger, and as he looked at Eve he felt an upsurge of pride. ‘You were better off without a father like that.’
‘That’s what Mark said too.’
Suddenly the memories of their last meeting were there between them, seemingly making the air heavy.
‘Your brother is not an idiot. Was he all right after I…?’
‘He was fine.’
‘Good—I said things to hurt you that night.’ He gave his head an angry, self-admonitory shake and decided to cut a long story short. ‘I was jealous.’ It turned out to be easier to admit it to her than it had been to admit the glaringly obvious fact to himself.
Her green eyes widened at the admission. ‘That’s what Mark said too,’ she mumbled, shocked to think what this admission might mean. ‘I told him that he was being stupid and that you’re not the jealous type at all.’
A ghost of a smile touched Draco’s lips. ‘You’re right, I’m not the jealous type except, it turns out, where you’re concerned.’ His stare made her flush. ‘I’d like to tell you that I’ll never act like that again, but I think if I see you kissing another man I would… Actually I think you can pretty much guarantee I would. You do know you’ve been driving me crazy from the first moment I saw you.’ He stopped and raked a hand through his hair. ‘I can’t speak of these things in here.’
Eve got to her feet slowly, her thoughts in total chaos. She was confused, shocked, excited. She glanced towards her brother, torn between what she perceived as her duty and her desire. ‘I feel like I’m deserting him.’
‘It’s fine, I understand. I need a break. Can I bring you something…?’
She shook her head and watched him leave, tension translating itself into a rigidity in his normally fluid gait. The door had barely closed before it opened again and the midwife from earlier came in, looking a lot fresher than the colleague she had replaced.
‘I’ve just got some charts to bring up to date and I’ll make the little one comfortable. Why don’t you go for a break with your man? It can be really hard on them, you know, the ones who keep tight hold of their emotions. The little one won’t be alone—I’ll be right in here or out by the desk.’ She nodded through the glass panel where the nurses’ station and its constantly ringing telephone was sited.
Eve stood there for a moment and then nodded, smiling her thanks before blowing her brother a kiss.
Still struggling with the white gown, which appeared to come in only one size—massive—she caught up with Draco outside the parents’ lounge, coming out of the door, not into it.
‘Aren’t you…?
He turned his head and looked at her, and Eve forgot what she was saying; she forgot everything except that he was the most gorgeous man on the planet, the shape of his face, his eyes, his lips, the scar…everything! It seemed unbelievable that there had been moments when she had convinced herself that they were better off apart. When she wasn’t lying to herself she had been literally aching for the sound of his voice.
She was aching now, for more than his voice.
She took a deep breath. It was her turn. She leapt into the unknown and the words came in a rush, falling over one another to get out of her mouth before she changed her mind and chickened out.
‘When you walked away that day, I felt as if you’d taken a bit of me with you.’ She lifted her hand, intending to press it to her heart to illustrate the empty space and let out a squeal of sheer frustration as the tie on the gown responded to her impatient tugs by tightening painfully around her neck. ‘Oh, God!’ she groaned in a mixture of frustration and discomfort. ‘Can you give me a hand here? This thing is trying to strangle me…I can’t reach.’ Holding the neckline, she couldn’t lift her head to look at him without it digging into her neck and she let out another squeal of frustration.
‘Stay still.’
It was hard to read anything in his voice and his fingers were steady as they brushed the skin of her nape. Eve wasn’t steady at all; she was shaking and even the lightest touch sent electric shudders through her helplessly receptive body.
‘Done.’
Eve kept her head down as she pulled her arm out of the sleeve. ‘I have terrible timing,’ she mumbled as she finally rid herself of the garment.
His lazy laugh was warm and husky. ‘I have always found your timing impeccable.’
She lifted her gaze, wanting to see in his face what she had heard in his voice, but it wasn’t there.
Nothing was ther
e. His face was pale and strangely stiff, his unblinking stare was fixed on…? She glanced downwards.
Realising as she did so that she was wearing her pyjamas, as she had only had time to pull on a pair of boots and throw a thin jacket over the top.
‘It might not catch on,’ she admitted ruefully, ‘but I was in bed when I got the…’ Her voice trailed away as it hit her that it wasn’t her clothes he was staring at, it was her. Or more specifically the small but definite bump of her belly. For weeks it had been the subject that had dominated her every waking moment and now of all times—she had forgotten.
Slowly, very slowly, her eyes left the soft curve of her belly and when they reached his face they were wide and wary, but there was still nothing to see in his face—nothing. In all her scenarios there had definitely been an explosion…not this…this nothing!
Was he even breathing?
The knowledge of what he had been given was totally overwhelming. The life, the life they had made together was growing inside her…and that feeling of total glorious rightness was quickly followed by an insidious fear that spread its roots like a cancer. He had so much to lose, in this place right now, how could that not scream at him? It was all so fragile—this happiness could be snatched away from him at any moment.
‘I can see this is a bit of a shock and I understand, but what…?’
His jacket still held the heat of his body as without a word he draped it around her shoulders. He still hadn’t said anything to her, and she wondered if that was going to be his response—ignore it and it’ll go away!
The knot of hurt in her chest tipped over into anger. ‘Aren’t you going to say anything?’
His muscles along the angular line of his jaw clenched as he carefully closed the door to the sitting room behind him. ‘Not in there. I need some fresh air and the people in there at the moment…’ His eyes brushed the closed door. Symbolically closing his own internal one on his fear, Draco chose instead to embrace life and love and… He fought down the urge to crush her against him and claim that mouth for his own. ‘Need some privacy.’