by Lily Greene
I can’t believe he heard me say that! I was just trying to make Libby feel better!
But Ella’s exasperation soon turned to chuckling. She barely knew the difference between Valentino and Versace; she wasn’t good with brands, so it was ironic that this man had just been scared off by her fashion conscious slur.
He probably thinks I’m some stuck up designer whore… Ella shook the thoughts of self-doubt and embarrassment from her head; what did it matter what he thought about her anyway? She would never see him again.
On that note, Ella charged to the check out, paid for her items and left for home.
Chapter Two
Ella dunked her little toe into the bubbly water. It was too hot to submerge herself just yet, so she turned to the cupboards under the sink and rummaged around until she found a long mauve candle. She placed it in a candle holder on the side of the bath, lit it and waited for the lavender scent to fill the room. Killing time in order to let the bath cool, she walked out of her bathroom, across the open plan studio to the bookshelf where she kept her DVDs and CDs. Ella adored classic films, especially those set at Christmas. On the shelf stood White Christmas and Holiday Inn, which she had watched a silly amount of times.
Fred Astaire and Bing Crosby. What gentleman they were. They knew how to romance a woman. They cannot leave me. Ella lingered over the DVDs and moved on to her CD collection. She picked up a compilation CD named Best Christmas Songs of All Time, opened the case and placed the CD in her audio system that was built into the bottom shelf of the case. She knew CDs were outdated but the speakers in her old stereo were so good she couldn’t resist using them still. She pressed play and the familiar opening chimes of ‘All I want for Christmas is You’ trickled out of the speakers.
She treaded the dark wooden floorboards back to the bathroom, dancing to the festive tune as she went. She kept the glass sliding door to her bathroom ajar so she could hear the music and untied her dressing gown.
The water was still boiling. Ella slowly lowered herself down past the bubbles and into the water as if going slower would make the water cooler. She screwed up her face and tensed her abs as she submerged her stomach and then her shoulders as she reclined. She finally plucked up the courage to dunk her head and when she came back up again to the sounds of Mariah Carey belting out the high notes, the soapy water lapped against the edge of the bath-tub and spilt over the edge. Ella took the sponge in front of her and washed herself while humming along to the song. She used the sponge as a microphone once she had finished washing.
“All I want for Christmas iiiiisss…youuuu ooooo!” Ella strained to reach the final top note but she didn’t let her awful singing prowess stop her. She thrashed around in the hot water and bobbed her head to the fading beat like a chicken lacking rhythm. She squeezed a large dollop of shampoo out of the bottle and started massaging it into her scalp, creating a thick lather. She got a bit of foam in her ear that muted her hearing for a moment. When she used a towel to wipe out the shampoo, she heard the next track from the album spilling through the living room. Wham!’s ‘Last Christmas’ was jingling festively.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day you gave it away.
Ella’s stomach churned. She put down the towel and sat back against the wall of the bath, clasping the edges of the tub with her hands.
This song was about her. One of her favourite Christmas songs was now ruined by the memory of her ex-boyfriend! She hadn’t heard it yet this year but of course it was going to upset her, she thought. Last Christmas she was with Robbie and he had literally given her heart away the very next day. Well the week after, but the lyrics tore through her just as hard, as if the song had been written to mock her.
Ella sighed as she leant against the cold tiles, her hair still covered in a white halo of bubbles. The depressing chorus persisted: Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day you gave it away. What had she been doing this time last Christmas, on the 15th of December?
She’d been waiting for Robbie at Fortnum and Mason to do their shop of opulent goodies for the festive season. It was one of their annual traditions but last year Ella had stood waiting for him for ages in the biting cold. After an hour she admitted defeat and went into the shop alone, half-frozen. He was clearly not coming to join her. As she had started to peruse the food court her phone had pinged and she read a message from Robbie: Sorry Ell, working late again today. See you at home x.
Working late, again! He had been so busy with work at the time that Ella felt like she had hardly seen him. Looking back, it was so obvious that something more had been going on, that it wasn’t just work that was occupying his thoughts. But Ella didn’t know that then and his suspicious behaviour had only proved to raise Ella’s hopes of a Christmas proposal.
Her friends had all been hinting at it – Ella and Robbie had been together for six years, they were of the right age, they loved each other; it all seemed right, perfect even. Perhaps he was ring shopping and that was why he couldn’t make it to Fortnum and Mason, she had thought. He was finalising the ring! Ella vowed not to chastise him for working late and let the next week run its natural course.
A few times that week she had cheekily alluded to rings and marriage, thinking that she was hot on the scent.
Then on Christmas Eve in their house in Chelsea, which spread over three floors, Ella believed the moment had finally arrived. It was after dinner, when they sat underneath the over-decorated Christmas tree to open an early present, a tradition Ella’s father had started, that she believed Robbie was about to propose. Robbie fished through the pile of presents to reveal a small jewelry box that almost brought a tear to Ella’s eye. Robbie normally had the cheekiest grin on his face when he watched her open presents but he didn’t today.
This is the moment, Ella had thought as Robbie had pecked her on the cheek and passed her the box.
“Here you go darling,” he said with a lack of enthusiasm.
But Ella was too excited to notice her boyfriend’s indifferent expression.
She propped herself up so she was sitting on her knees, brushed the hair from her eyes and opened the box in apprehension.
“Oh.”
It was a beautiful and delicate silver bracelet studded with sapphires and diamonds coiled up in a spiral so that it fit in the small box.
It was incredibly special but it wasn’t a ring. Ella’s hopes were dashed and Robbie could see the look of surprise on her face.
“What’s wrong Ell? Don’t you like it?”
“No, no, I do,” she said forcing a smile. “It’s lovely.”
She was distraught. She had built up this moment throughout the day and dinner and when she saw the right shaped box she felt certain Robbie was going to propose.
Robbie got up to clean the dishes and didn’t say another word until they went to bed.
What is up with him at the moment? she had thought.
Ella entertained the idea that perhaps the bracelet in the small box was just a joke at her expense which was leading up to the real proposal? Perhaps he had chosen the small box on purpose to frustrate her and he was really going to propose to her on Christmas Day when his whole family was there? That sounded more like Robbie. Showing off to as many people as possible – that’s how he’d do it. And he loved to wind her up. Yes, this was all just a game to throw her off the trail! Ella perked herself up and had gone bed that night sure that Robbie would propose the next day. She fell asleep looking at the sapphires and diamonds in the bracelet on her bedside table, the precious stones glimmering with hope.
But the next day, there was no ring to match the beautiful bracelet. They opened their stockings and presents in muted mirth and had a lovely, but normal, Christmas Day at his parents’ grand house in Kensington.
Ella, disappointed and angry at herself for letting her friends’ gossip raise her hopes, decided to let life slip back to the usual after the holidays. Robbie would propose when he was ready and in the me
antime she would support him while work was stressful.
She said nothing as Robbie spent every day of the following week in the office even though he had booked it off as holiday. He would get back at eleven o’clock and slip into bed with Ella, cuddle her and say nothing. She nuzzled into him, hoping she could dispel his stress with kisses, replacing words with affection because she didn’t know what to say to him when he wouldn’t let her in.
But all her worries were replaced with new, bigger ones on New Year’s Eve. When Ella got back to the Chelsea flat after seeing Libby for a coffee, she had found a note waiting for her on the kitchen table.
My darling Ell,
I’ve taken the job in Chicago that we talked about a few months ago. I’m leaving tonight. I think we both know it hasn’t been right recently. We’ve had the most amazing six years but I’m not ready for the commitment you want. I don’t want to disappoint you, you’re too good for that and deserve more than me. You deserve better. You will always be the most incredible woman I’ll ever have had the pleasure of meeting. But I don’t think I can ever commit to marriage. I know how much it means to you. You spoke of it recently and it panicked me. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. I think you’ll be happier this way.
Robbie x
Ella’s heart dropped. She felt like her whole body had just been torn in half by a chain saw. She couldn’t process the blurry words on the page and she read it over and over again until it’s contents and the scrawled handwriting were etched into her vision permanently. She could recite it word for word even now, a year on.
Ella, overwhelmed by despair, had collapsed on the floor in a heap. She had called Libby and sobbed down the phone, trying to explain what had happened. Libby cancelled her New Year’s Eve plans and went straight to be at the side of her heartbroken best friend.
That night was the worst night of Ella’s life. She felt hopeless, rejected, cast aside. All the love she had shown Robbie, all the years they had spent building their life together, he had just thrown away in a fit of panic. How carelessly he had done it. He had left her a note, a scrap of paper that became heavier and heavier every time she read it.
Ella didn’t hear from him for weeks and those weeks turned into months. She told herself she was better off without him and convinced herself that everything she had once loved about him was irritating and repulsive.
He was too patronising. He was too argumentative. He was ostentacious. He was showy and image conscious. He was pedantic about the most annoying things, he was sexist, he was … he was everything bad in the world.
Ella heard the scratching of her CD in the player. She had been so lost in thought she hadn’t realised that the machine was stuck on the same line, repeating eerily the same refrain again and again.
Now I know what a fool I’ve been, but if you kissed me now I know you’d fool me again. Chug chug chug. Now I know what a fool I’ve been, but if you kissed me now I know you’d fool me again. Chug chug chug. Now I know what a fool I’ve been, but if you kissed me now I know you’d fool me again.
The music blasted out truth and made her think of his kisses.
Oh his kisses. She sighed, finally submerging in the water to rinse out the shampoo that had almost set on top of her head. If he was here now, even after all the pain and heartbreak he had put her through, she knew she’d give in to his charm. She would melt at the touch of his hand. She’d be a fool again because he was so handsome, funny and sexy.
Ella sat up and wiped the water from her eyes. She moved onto the rose-infused conditioner and massaged it into her scalp while she thought about Robbie’s redeeming features and ignored the squeaky repetition of Wham!’s Christmas classic. Robbie was hilarious, successful and ambitious. He was so seductive and incomparable in the bedroom …
Ella remembered the Christmas Eve that Robbie had whisked her off to Switzerland for a skiing holiday. They had spent the week in a five star hotel and having decided it was too cold outside to ski, even when they had piled on all their clothes, they spent the week in the hotel room without any clothes …
Ella was becoming aroused just thinking about her and Robbie’s sensual holiday but she realised that she was back-tracking and forced herself to think of Robbie’s faults. She dunked her hair in the hot water in order to cool off and rinsed out the conditioner.
She had to remember how furiously and often they had argued, how uncontrollably jealous and patronising he had been. Just because he spoke five languages and was exceptionally well-read, didn’t mean he was better than everybody else.
Ella convinced herself that she was only thinking about him now because she had so many Christmas memories with him, it wasn’t because she missed him. She vowed not think of him again that evening and stood up to drain the water from her body. Ella took out the plug, squeezed the excess water from her wild curls and stepped out of the bath. She had to stop that awful song.
Chapter Three
Ella stepped out of her car onto the frozen gravel and wrapped her scarf a little tighter. She was wearing a soft black poloneck with a denim dungaree dress over the top. The dress was cut into her waist, showing off her curves and although it was short with her tanned heeled boots, she wore thick black tights to make the outfit a bit more conservative. She looked over at the Crosley’s family home. It was a beautiful cream farmhouse with a thatched roof and a duck-egg blue door. Hanging in the middle of the door was a decadent wreath, decorated with diagonally sloped red ribbons, white glossy pearls and fluffy old man’s beard. Either side of the door were two pillars made from wooden beams. Misteltoe had been diligently wrapped around each pillar and it looked wonderfully festive. Ella walked down the gravel drive and onto the path that led to the front door. All the plants in the flowerbeds either side of the path were covered in a glittering film of horst frost which twinkled as she passed.
As Ella stepped onto the path, she took a deep breath and thought about what state Libby might be in with the imminent arrival of her ex-boyfriend, Marcus. She could see that the house was full of guests already; the glow of old antique lamps inside illuminated the shapes of marshmallow-sized Christmas coats and the light buzz of jingly Christmas music escaped the cracks of the old and drafty windows.
Ella was just about to reach the last step on the path when she lost her footing. Her left boot slipped on the frosty edge of the stone and as her body fell from underneath her, she felt panic surge through her body. Ella attempted to shift her body forward, hoping to grasp onto the left hand beam and grab at the mistletoe twines in front of her to steady herself, but as she lurched forwards, her right foot slipped too. After a wobbly dance on the ice, which even Michael Flatley would have been proud of, Ella fell. She closed her eyes ready to embrace the fall, hoping that the temporary darkness could numb the pain.
But the fall never came. She felt pressure on her right arm, a squeeze around her bicep and a hand placed on her left hip. Someone had caught her. She looked up, with strands of hair across her face, into the blue eyes of the Brown Haired man. Electricity ran through her; she knew this face. It was the stranger from the supermarket. He loosened his grip on her arm but kept his arms on her shoulders so she had a moment to steady herself. Ella blew the hair from off her face and took a step back from him.
“Th-thank you,” she whispered. Regaining her composure, she straightened the edge of her denim hem and said in a louder, more confident voice: “I think I saw you earlier in Waitrose.”
The man stared at her so intensely that it made Ella feel nervous.
“That could have been a disastrous fall,” he replied finally. This was the first time that Ella had heard him speak. He was incredibly well-spoken but his voice had a touch of coarseness to it as if he had been a smoker or heavy drinker all his life. He was wearing the same brown suede jacket he had been wearing in Waitrose and somehow, he seemed more attractive now, perhaps because of the faint whiffs of his musty cologne Ella smelt on the bitter wind.
James Dean. That was who
he reminded her of. He looked just like a brunette version of James Dean with his slightly quaffed hair, rusty stubble and enchanting eyes which were set back above light puffy bags. He even had the full seductive James Dean lips that looked like they should be hosting a Lucky Strike cigarette.
Ella realised she hadn’t replied to him and had been staring hopelessly into his eyes.
Say something you idiot!
“Yes it could have been. I should have been more careful on the ice.”
I should have been more careful on the ice? That’s hardly exciting. Think, Ella.
Ella felt intimidated by the way the Brown Haired man stared at her.
Aware that this was the third time that day that she had stood in silence opposite this stranger making a fool of herself, Ella decided to throw herself into the situation and introduce herself.
“I’m Ella, Ella Moore.” She smacked red lipstick-covered lips together and narrowed her eyes, waiting for the reply from this man. He took a step closer to her and as he spoke, she could see his breath on the air.
“I am Fergus, Fergus Lamb.”
So the Brown Haired man is called Fergus and he seems to be mocking the way I introduced myself. Great start, Ella, Ella Moore..
Ella wanted to strike up a normal conversation with him but all she could think about was how her body felt after he had touched her arm. Just as Fergus started to raise his hand and speak again, the front door burst open in front of them.
“There you are! I thought I saw you from the window!” Libby was panting excitedly and Ella could see from the twinkle in her eye that she was a little drunk.
“Come in now, both of you. It’s freezing out here. I see you’ve met already and I don’t need to bother with introductions.” Libby kissed both of them on each cheek and then proceeded to bark her orders.
“Ell, I need you. Fergus, Toby’s in the kitchen!”