Last Christmas

by Lily Greene

  “Hi Ella,” a well-spoken voice whispered. Ella’s whole body tensed.

  She turned around slowly to meet a pair of hazelnut eyes. Robbie’s eyes.

  Chapter Eight

  Ella froze. She was gripped by surprise as their eyes locked. Shock started seeping in her body as the blood started draining from her face. Ella opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out; she looked like a fish out of water gasping for air. Robbie was smiling nervously and took a step towards her.

  Was Robbie really standing there in front of her? Was it really him?

  Ella had imagined him showing up in front of her just like this countless times. She had searched for his face in every crowd, secretly hoped that he was going to return to London and win her back again. Every face that she had passed in the street bore some sort of resemblance to him. She saw suited Robbies, homeless Robbies, busking Robbies, janitor Robbies, builder Robbies … she had seen every different version of Robbie as she wondered through London like a zombie overwhelmed with heartbreak. For so long any and every stranger had taken on his characteristics until day-by-day she started to see his face less and less and eventually she saw it no more.

  Now, the one time in the last year she didn’t want to see him, the one place she didn’t want him to be, she saw him.

  Robbie broke the tense silence first and put his hand on her arm.

  “I wanted to see you Ella. I’m so sorry, so sorry about everything. We need to talk.” He raised his hand to stroke her cheek and she wanted to slap it away but she was paralysed by his presence, dumbfounded by the face she knew so well. She just stared at him thinking how has he heard about my exhibition and why is he here?

  Finally, she plucked up the strength to speak.

  “What are you doing here?” she said in a quiet but threatening hiss.

  “Ella please, I know this isn’t the best place but please see me later.”

  “How dare you come here!” she replied angrily, stepping back away from him. No longer was she pale and lacking energy. She was flustered and her face was a terrifying shade of red, darkening by the second. She had spoken as loudly as she could without startling the people around her but she wanted nothing more than to scream at him.

  “Ella, please. I know I have no right to be here or demand anything from you but you can’t deny that we need to speak. Oh Ella. You look so gorgeous. So very, very Ella. And the exhibition is amazing. I’m so proud of you.”

  Fury was bubbling inside of Ella now. He had some nerve coming to her exhibition, telling her how gorgeous she looked, how amazing her paintings were and how proud he was of her. The cheek!

  “You’re proud of me? Do you have any idea of what you’ve put me through?” she said, panting with rage. “I want you to leave now.” It was a command not a request. Her face almost matched the colour of her lips. Lady Danger had arrived.

  “Ella, just promise me you’ll meet me tomorrow night? There is something I need to tell you — something I need to ask you. S’il vous plaît Ella. Je t’adore.” There was an urgency in Robbie’s voice that Ella’s heart couldn’t ignore. Despite sounding anguished, his voice still soothed her. This was the voice that had consoled her after her parents had died, the voice that had told her he loved her in five different languages. Suddenly all the sweet nothings Robbie had whispered into her ears over the years came flooding back to her. She tried desperately to hold back her tears. She didn’t understand why he was here and why she was so attracted to him still.

  His suit fit his muscular frame so well. His hair had grown longer and was now slicked back a little, curling at the sides of his ears. It suited him and Ella hated that it did. She tried to contain her attraction to him and forced herself to warn him off again.

  “I will see you only if you leave right now,” Ella said through gritted teeth. She was trying to hold back her emotion, like a frenzied racehorse being held behind its gate before a race. She didn’t want to cause a scene in the middle of her opening night and she didn’t want to know what would happened when the gun went off and the horse was released from its starting gate. She couldn’t let anybody see her breakdown, not here.

  “Okay, okay,” Robbie said gently. His face was more tanned than usual and his skin looked so smooth that she wanted to touch it. She also wanted to hit it.

  “The paintings really are amazing,” he continued, not leaving. “I’ve bought all the ones you painted while we were together.” Suddenly, outrage filled Ella from top to toe. Her eyes narrowed on him menacingly. She didn’t want him to own anything of hers, least of all her paintings! Was he deliberately trying to taunt her? Was he trying to claim part of her after having cast her aside? Her art was her life. Did stealing her heart not satisfy him enough? Did he have to take her art too?

  “I cannot believe you would —”

  “My favourite is this one,” he said as he pointed to ‘Midnight Water’, the painting hanging on the left of them. “Do you remember where you painted that? We were in the villa in Italy. We were staring out at the sea at midnight and you were painting half naked, wrapped only in the bedspread. You’ve added something —”

  “Go.” This was the last time Ella would warn him.

  Robbie could see that she truly meant it, that she had not been the least bit impressed at his attempts to resurrect the memories of their past or that he had bought her paintings. That was probably a step too far, he thought. Ella was protective of her art.

  Robbie nodded, said, “See you tomorrow”. He backed away slowly.

  Ella could see Libby and Charlie trying to clamber through the room of guests towards her. But on seeing which direction Robbie was going in, Charlie changed his course. It looked like he was about to confront Robbie or escort him out. Somebody stepped in front of Ella to get closer to one of her paintings and in doing so blocked her view of Robbie and Charlie.

  While Ella had been facing Robbie, Fergus had been walking back to find her. With their drinks in his hand, he had turned to see a tall handsome man brush Ella’s cheek tenderly. Fergus stopped in his tracks as he watched on and saw Ella’s gaze turn from shock to fury. He knew he and Ella had only just started dating but seeing another man that close to Ella made him feel sick. He walked slowly through the busy crowd, dodging between people but never taking his eyes off the mysterious man who was talking to the beautiful woman he was infatuated with. As he got closer to them, he caught the man say the word Italy. Fergus struggled to hear him above the Christmassy jazz that was tinkering out of the gallery speakers. He tried to move forwards but there was a large woman, who was more than festively plump, blocking his way. She was moving this way and that, mirroring his movements so he couldn’t get past her. Naked. The second word he heard piqued his interest further and he pushed passed the grotesque woman with more force this time. Leave. It was Ella’s voice this time and it seemed to have an effect as Fergus saw the sun-kissed man sink away into the hubbub of artists.

  Finally, Fergus reached Ella’s side and turned to look at her tomato face. He had never imagined someone so gentle could look so mad and he was almost scared to ask her if she was okay.

  “Ella?” Fergus asked mildly. “Is everything okay?”

  She was breathing fast, her heart heaving in her chest and she was still staring at the man who was making his way back through the crowd. The man she had loved for so long. She turned to Fergus, the beautiful kind Fergus. She relaxed on seeing him. She took one of the glasses of champagne he had brought over and downed it in one.

  “Yes. I’m sorry. Thank you for the drink.” She tried to force a smile but it was no good. She felt as if someone had dropped an anvil on her head and the pressure of seeing Robbie again was squashing her.

  “Who was that?” Fergus asked inquisitively.

  “It was an old friend. A ghost you might say.” Ella didn’t want to talk about Robbie’s appearance. She certainly didn’t want to explain who he was now to Fergus. She didn’t want to drag her past into the new rel
ationship. She had wanted a new slate. Clearly, that had been too much to ask! She didn’t need to explain who Robbie was because he wasn’t a part of her life anymore. Was he?

  Ella could see Fergus’ confusion and felt she needed to tell him something more.

  “He’s a friend from my past that I didn’t expect to see. If you don’t mind, I don’t want to talk about it right now. I’d like to focus on my exhibition, my work.” As she uttered the words, she remembered bitterly that Robbie had just bought her work.

  Fergus could see how upset Ella was and he knew how much this exhibition meant to her, so he tried to distract her.

  “Of course. Well, I invited someone, a photographer called Zac Tobin. I’d like you to meet him. Apparently he’s already a fan of your art.” Ella was nodding to the floor. She wiped a single tear from her eye and looked up at Fergus.

  She forced Robbie to the back of her mind and smiled bravely deciding she must soldier on. Her guests would be gone by eleven o’clock. She just needed to get through the next few hours and she didn’t want Fergus to read too much in to her reaction to Robbie, if that was at all possible.

  “Lovely,” she replied. “I would adore to meet your friend. I can see Libby coming over, let’s take her with us.” Ella beckoned Libby to follow them, aware that her best friend was bursting to ask about Robbie’s appearance and check if she was okay. When she managed to squeeze by a group of people to get to Ella, Libby stood by her side and they communicated solely with their eyes using a language that was reserved only for women. They understood each other perfectly: Libby flashed Ella an Are you okay? What the fuck was he doing here? look. Ella widened her eyes and replied with an I don’t fucking know, I’m so mad but I need to get through this night, let’s talk about it later look. Fergus introduced them both to Zac and they talked about cubism until Hugh came over. He need to steal Ella away for a minute.

  Ella was glad to be out of Fergus’ concerned gaze. She spent the rest of the evening talking to artists and repressing her heartache. Everybody seemed to be having a jolly time, everybody except her. As it approached eleven o’clock, the gallery emptied out. Ella waved goodbye to her colleagues from the Triangle gallery and kissed William and Elisabeth Crosley goodbye, thanking them for bringing along so many friends.

  There were only a few people left when Hugh came out with a bottle of Dom Pérignon and proposed a toast to Ella.

  “You, Miss Moore, have broken the record for most paintings ever sold on the opening night of an exhibition at the Beat Gallery! Guess how many were bought?”

  Everybody muttered numbers excitedly and someone suggested, “Seventeen?”

  “Noo … all of them!” Hugh bellowed with joy.

  There was a little round of applause as the gallery staff and all her friends congratulated her. She should have been thrilled at this but knowing Robbie had bought so many of them made her feel sick.

  “So are we going to go out now and celebrate? Any good bars around here?” Harry asked.

  Ella had put on a brave face for hours but she new she couldn’t last much longer.

  “I would absolutely love to. And I am so grateful for you all coming and supporting me. You’ve all been incredible and so encouraging and helpful. But I am completely shattered after such a busy week preparing for the exhibition. I’m going to be terribly boring and go home. I think I would collapse in the middle of the dance floor if I came out!” Ella spoke as cheerily as she could.

  It seemed that everyone had been convinced by her performance and they all smiled sweetly at her speech. Charlie, Libby and Fergus however were flashing her anxious looks, guessing correctly that the dramatic scene that had unfolded earlier was the real reason she wasn’t going out for celebratory drinks. They could tell that she wasn’t her normal self.

  Ella hugged everybody goodbye, collected her belongings from the office and walked to the front door with Fergus. Libby and Charlie followed close behind them, but left enough distance that they could say goodbye in private.

  Ella took Fergus’ hand as they entered the cold and snowy night.

  “Thank you for coming tonight Fergus. It means a lot that you did. Last night was perfect.”

  Fergus kissed Ella on the head and wrapped her scarf around her neck. He told her what a fantastic evening he had had and how sensational her art was. Ella noticed that Fergus’ mesmerising blue eyes looked a little sad.

  “I’ll call you tomorrow?” she asked.

  “I look forward to it. I hope you’re okay Ella.”

  She smiled, kissed him on the cheek and turned to Libby and Charlie who were waiting for her. Fergus sauntered down the road and looked back at Ella, who was now being sandwiched by two caring friends.

  “Right, I’m taking you home. I’m staying with you tonight darling,” Libby said. They hugged Charlie goodbye and stepped into the slushy melting snow that had gathered where the pavement met the road. They flagged down a black cab and left the glow of the gallery behind them.

  *

  Libby made Ella a cup of hot chocolate topped with nutmeg and brought it over to the bed where she was tucked up. She looked distraught, just like she had done when Robbie had left her last Christmas time.

  “I am SO mad at him Ella! I can’t even imagine what you must be going through,” Libby puffed. “How could he just show up like that after a year of nothing? No contact. No phone call. No explanation. Only a fucking note!”

  Ella’s eyes were glazed over. Her knees up by her face and she was resting her hot chocolate on top of them. She stared into her mug. She looked childlike and fragile in her muted turmoil.

  “I don’t understand,” she whispered finally. “It’s just so unfair. He’s so selfish.”

  Libby took off her shoes and jeans, took a pair of pyjama bottoms from Ella’s cupboard and sat down next to her in the bed.

  “Incredibly selfish. I wish I had got to him first. I was bloody shocked. We should have stopped him as soon as we saw him. I’m sorry Ell.”

  “Oh please Libs, don’t apologise. It’s not your fault,” she said as she put the mug to her lips and drank some of the warming chocolate. “He was so determined to talk to me I doubt anything would have stopped him. You know what he’s like.”

  “I thought Charlie was going to punch him right in the middle of the gallery when I saw him follow Robbie off. I’m not sure if he caught up with Robbie but I know he tried. He’s so protective of you.”

  “I know. God, I would have liked to see him punch Robbie,” Ella said passionately. She started to cry again. “I just … why now? What does he want?” she said through sobs. “I was just getting over him and I’ve just met Fergus and he comes crashing back into my life like a bulldozer.”

  “Did you get an idea from him of what he was doing here? What he wants? What did he actually say to you? Does he want to be back with you, is that why he was here?”

  “I don’t know. It’s all a bit of a blur to be honest. He said he was sorry. He said he had something to tell me. Something to ask me.” Ella finished the rest of her drink.

  “Ask you?” Libby questioned.

  “Yup.” Ella shrugged. Robbie had caused her so much pain over the last year. She had spent too many days curled under her duvet in the dark wishing it were all a nightmare when he first left. Was she back to square one now that he was back?

  “Are you going to meet him tomorrow?” Libby asked, taking the empty mug and placing it on the bedside table. Ella fluffed up her pillow and sank into her friend’s shoulder. Libby smelt of the orange body lotion she had worn since they were teenagers. The citrus smell comforted her.

  “Do you think I should?” Ella asked as Libby started to stroke her best friend’s hair as if it might help mend her broken heart.

  “I don’t know Ell.” She paused. “On the one hand, I think fuck him. He doesn’t deserve to see you and it I think it will only make you feel worse to see him again when you’ve made such brave efforts to get over him recently. But
on the other hand, I feel like after six years together, you owe it to each other to speak about what happened to your relationship. It might be good for you. It might help you move forwards. But it’s hard to know how to advise you if we don’t know what he wants to talk about. If he wants to talk about getting back together then that’s a totally different problem altogether.”

  Ella was quiet. “Mmm,” she said contemplatively.

  “Ella, can I ask you if you still love him?” Libby asked hesitantly.

  “Million dollar question eh? I’ve spent the last year hating him. But I spent six years prior to that loving him.” Ella sighed. “I guess the answer is yes. Of course I still love him. It doesn’t just go away like that but I resent myself for that. I don’t want to love him. I don’t think I could ever forgive him for leaving me the way he did. But then, he feels like home. Or he did feel like home. He was my family.”

  The two women sat silently for a while cuddling against the head of Ella’s bed. Libby reached over to the bedside table and turned off the lamp. They lay down in the bed and turned onto their sides, facing each other, both scrunching their arms under the pillow above them.

  Ella held Libby’s hand and sighed.

  The moonlight was shining through the large window and cast an eerie light onto the bed. Libby could see a solitary tear gliding down Ella’s face.

  Chapter Nine

  Ella woke up to see Libby cooking pancakes at the breakfast bar. She sat up and rubbed the sleep from her eyes. She couldn’t believe that Libby, of all people, was cooking.

  “God, you really must be feeling sorry for me if you are in the kitchen!” Ella teased.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m a great cook,” Libby said, throwing her nose in the air and fluttering her eyelashes. “How are you feeling?”