I was wrong to assume Dani had gotten over the activity room incident. She’d only been waiting for the right time to take her next shot.
Rushing through breakfast, all the girls started hanging out on the front steps of the home in the morning, enjoying the fresh air before they needed to line up for school. There was only a few weeks of school left and we all felt the excitement of summer’s approach. I saw Dani standing with a growing circle of friends; some looked nervous others looked annoyed. Dani moved to the middle and strutted around showing off her outfit, a natural part of the morning fashion show. A few girls walked away from the crowd, obviously angry about something. Ms. Sweaney called us to line up and Dani rushed to the front. It was then I noticed that her green pleated skirt just barely covered the curve of her backside. I was still on the front steps and had a clear view of the anger on Ms. Sweaney’s face.
Dani purred, “Good morning, Ms. Sweaney.”
“Danielle, the length of your skirt is indecent! Fix it immediately or go inside and change!”
“The length of my skirt is perfect for this!” Dani bent over, flipped her skirt up, and shouted, “And if you don’t like it, you can kiss my ass!” She took off running, crossed the street, and turned the corner to school.
Ms. Sweaney stood motionless watching Dani leave as the heat of her rage rose to her face like mercury in a thermometer. After what seemed an eternity, the girls in front started the line moving again, all of us eager to get as far away as possible.
Dani picked a fight she couldn’t possibly win. I had always thought she was pretty smart about what battles to pick and with whom; not anymore. She’d snapped. I wish I could make her understand that I needed her safe, and she was hurting us both. Ms. Sweaney held all the cards until Daddy came for us. What was it about her that brought out the worst in Dani? Daddy had left us with mean aunts and uncles who called us names and reminded us every minute of every day what a burden we were, but she never picked fights with them. Even with our parents she’d smart off and show attitude, but not with this kind of hatred. All I could figure was that something had passed between them during the time Dani was missing that she couldn’t let go.
For as much as I disliked school, I wished for time to slow down. I wanted to delay the director’s fury as long as possible. I was hoping Dani had a plan. Surely, she didn’t think she could disrespect Ms. Sweaney like that in front of everyone and return to the home like nothing had happened. Jenny, Karen, Amy, and I tried to think up possible defensive moves to help her, but the truth was we just weren’t any good at it. We spent most of our time trying to stay out of trouble so it was hard for us to think in reverse.
Dani didn't show up for dinner. I asked her friend Sheila if she’d seen her. “Nobody’s seen Dani since third period. Rose said she thinks she saw Dani leave school early. I’ll keep asking around for you.”
At lights out, there was still no sign of her. I stayed awake as long as I could, waiting for her to crawl into bed next to me and hoping I could convince her never to do anything like this again. Exhaustion won that tug-of-war. I woke with a start as three girls hovered over me in the dark.
Sheila, with her hand over my mouth, whispered, “I found your sister. Come with me and I’ll take you to her. Don’t make a sound.”
I did as I was told and followed them through unfamiliar winding hallways to what I guessed was the basement. It was dark and damp and the sound of things scurrying close by made me shudder. Sheila flipped on a flashlight, leading the way across the concrete floor to a single door. If there weren’t three big girls with me, I’d have never had the courage to leave the steps.
Sheila whispered, “We know she’s in there because we heard her crying. She won’t answer us. Maybe she’ll talk to you.”
I walked to the door, listened, and heard muffled sobs. “Dani, are you in there? Dani, it’s Lily. Dani, say something.”
Feet shuffled and the door jolted with the force of a body slamming into it. “Lily, get me out of here! I hate the dark!” She sounded frantic. Pounding on the door, she pleaded, “Lily, don’t leave me! I’m so scared! I keep hearing sounds like rats or something running across the floor, but I can’t see anything! That bitch turned out the lights! Please, don’t leave me here!”
Sheila rushed over and shined the light under the crack in the door. “Is that better? We can’t get you out. The door is locked. I tried to use a hairpin, but I can’t get it. Maybe there’s a light switch.”
“Oh, shit! Oh, shit! There’s a whole nest of them. Oh my God, they’re huge! They’re everywhere! Get me out of here!” The fear and desperation in her voice made my chest squeeze in on itself.
Sheila ordered, “Dani, listen to me! Get up high. Is there a chair or something?”
“There’s a big crate.”
“Good. See if you can push it over to the door and climb on top.”
We could hear the slow progress of the crate being pushed across the floor and Dani's wild mumbling. The box hit the door with a thud. She panted, “I’m up. I’m up.”
“Is there a light switch?”
“They had to use flashlights when they dragged me down here. I don’t see any switches.”
Everyone went silent. I could see Sheila and the other girls thinking hard about what to do next. I couldn’t think at all. Then Sheila spoke up, “Hey Dani, listen. Rose, Tara, and I are going to look for more lights. We’ll leave your sister here with this flashlight until we get back.” She mouthed, “Keep her talking.”
The moment they walked away, I knew Dani’s fear. Instantly, the cold and darkness pressed in on me, playing terrifying tricks with my mind. I tried imagining us lying safely together in bed upstairs, and commanded myself to speak. “Dani, tell me what happened today?”
“Okay. Okay.” Dani’s breathing came fast and hard. “It looks like the light is working. It looks like those little monsters are afraid of the light. Let me think.” I waited for her to calm down and catch her breath. “Ms. Sweaney...called up to school...and told the principal that Daddy had come back for a visit. If it hadn’t been the principal telling me, I probably...wouldn’t have believed it. He’d had no trouble with me, so I figured he wouldn’t lie and I did what I was told." She took a break and her voice returned more steady. "There was a car waiting out front of school with one of those Amazon women who works here waiting for me. When I walked in the front door, Ms. Sweaney and two others grabbed me. Together they dragged me down here and threw me in this room." She exhaled a forced chuckle. "At least the last time she locked me up, the room had a window.”
“Anyway, Ms. Sweaney talked to me through the door for a long time. The same stuff she said last time about how I was dirty, filthy, disgusting, and would end up a prostitute, a druggy, or both. She went on and on about how she wouldn’t be bested by some unwanted juvenile delinquent like me, and that we were all spoiled and needed a dose of reality. It was pretty much the same speech she gave me last time, but then things got really weird." Dani sounded confused as her explanation continued. "She said Momma didn’t want me because I was so ugly. She said I was a curse on the family. She said that God was punishing her for my father's sins. I couldn’t see her face, but her voice got strange like she was remembering something and reciting it back, almost like she became somebody else for a minute. She wasn’t making any sense, and I knew she wasn’t talking about me, Momma, or Daddy. Before she left, I’d swear she was crying." Dani's frustration came rushing back. "Since then, I’ve been alone in the dark, just me and these damn rats!”
The mention of rats reminded me that I wasn’t alone, either. I needed to keep us both talking to forget about my four legged neighbors. I asked, “Why’d you do it, Dani? Why does she get to you so bad?”
It took her a while to answer, but she did so calmly. “She makes me crazy, Lily. I’ve never met anyone who sets me off like she does. I think it’s because she struts around pretending to be better than everyone else. She’s always putting ever
yone down, trying to make us feel small. Doesn’t she understand we already feel small? Hell, I’m reminded everywhere I go that I’m not good enough because I live here. You’d think she’d get it considering she was raised here too. You can stop worrying; I’m done. I’m not messing with her anymore. There’s something not quite right about her. She wins. I can’t beat crazy. I learned that with Momma.”
The shadows pressed heavy around us as I struggled for words. Before the dark grew claws, she changed the subject. Her words turned hopeful like when we’d lay in bed together at the old house talking late at night. I rested my head against the door, squeezed my eyes shut, and pretended I was curled up next to her with warm blankets tucked under my chin as she recited our favorite fairytale. “Someday, Lily, we are going to have our own place together. I’ll get a job and work my way through college, while you finish up school. Then I’ll have enough money to help you get through college too. I’m not sure what career I want yet, but I do know someday I’ll be somebody important. I’ll be a big shot and nobody will be able to touch us.”
“We’ll have enough money to walk into any store anywhere and buy what we want. I’m going to buy myself a pair of high heels in every color of the rainbow and you, little sister, can have a different candy bar for every day of the week. How does that sound?"
I gave no reply, but it sounded perfect.
Dani finished, "You and me, we’re going to be okay. We’ve got each other and that’s just going to have to be enough.”
Losing myself in Dani’s story helped me relax a little. Anytime she started talking about our future, life got better for a while. If she could be hopeful while locked up with rats, then I figured I had no room to complain.
My dream was interrupted by the sound of footsteps on the stairs behind me. Sheila had returned carrying a bundle and another flashlight. “Dani, it’s almost dawn and I don’t want us to get caught down here. I brought you every lighter we could find and all the birthday candles from the kitchen. There’s a ton of them so hopefully that’ll help for a while.”
She started shoving the stuff under the crack in the door. We waited until Dani had everything. When she told us to go and that she’d be okay, we could both hear the uneasiness in her voice. Sheila walked me back to my room where I collapsed in bed, curled into a ball, and cried myself to sleep.
Dani appeared at dinner that night all cleaned up but rattled. I held her hand under the table as Ms. Sweaney patrolled nearby. Sensing she was fragile, her friends rallied around her. The story of the night she’d spent in Ms. Sweaney’s dungeon passed quickly through the home. Some girls encouraged her to keep fighting, but Dani stayed true to her word. She made it clear to everyone that she’d fought her last battle.
The victor took every opportunity to rub it in. Like a prison warden, Ms. Sweaney began wearing a ring of keys on her hip that she fiddled and fussed with, the clanking sound a reminder of her power. She’d ask Dani in the company of her friends if she’d like another opportunity to visit with her new pets, adding to her already long list of ugly taunts. The worst was the watching. She was always watching and waiting to snare her next "example." And her methods worked. Ms. Sweaney was rewarded with our obedience and fear.
Dani’s mumbles of outrage were her only retaliation. But with her anger building, she needed an outlet, so I took the punch.
Summer finally arrived. Courtesy of Mrs. Jones, we were gifted with ice cream cones on the last day of school and allowed to sit out front to eat them. While gobbling up these rare treats it made sense to the club members that now that we had the summer off and lots of free time, so did everyone else. It also seemed natural that we revisited our long abandoned conversation about where Daddy was and when he’d be by to get me. Karen was explaining how she imagined Daddy showing up on the horse he’d used on the set of the Western he’d been filming with John Wayne, when I saw Dani leaving an exchange with Ms. Sweaney in a hurry and heading right for me.
“What happened?” I asked.
She came to a quick stop in front of me, crossed her arms, and huffed, “That bitch was gloating about how she tricked me into believing Daddy was coming back. She just won’t leave me alone. I think she wants me to do something stupid again so she can lock me up.”
“But he is coming back. He promised. Karen thinks he’s on some movie set. But I think maybe he was just waiting for the school year to end. He knows how much you like school, and he always says….”
Dani jerked me by the arm, pulled me away from my friends, and spat, “Enough is enough! I’m sick and tired of you and your friends daydreaming about Daddy coming back. I was stupid enough to believe it for a while too and that’s how that bitch tricked me. Daddy gave us up. He doesn’t want us anymore. We have to live in this hell hole until we are old enough to leave. All we have is each other.”
“But Daddy promised and he never breaks a promise.”
“Daddy is a loser and a drunk. Didn’t it ever seem strange to you that he had so many different jobs when other people’s fathers kept one job for a long time? Every time Momma would leave he’d hit the bottle, not show up for work, and get fired. It’s a miracle we weren’t thrown out of our old house sooner.”
“Don’t talk about Daddy that way. He’s a hard worker. And besides, don’t forget about Momma, she might come for us too,” I said, not really believing it.
“Momma doesn’t care about anybody but herself! I blame her for us getting dumped here. That night she miscarried our little brother or sister, she couldn’t have been happier. I think she may have even planned it. Daddy told me that when they were at the hospital she sent him on some errands, checked herself out, and emptied their bank accounts. She left us with nothing, and Daddy couldn’t get over it. Daddy loves the bottle more than he loves us. Lily, they’re not coming back for us.”
“No! I don’t believe you!” I shouted. “Daddy loves me and he wouldn’t leave me here. He’ll come get us when he finds work. You’re just mad because you don’t have everybody fooled anymore about how wonderful you are. Ms. Sweaney found your weakness and you lost."
“Shut up, Lily! You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“You shut up! I hate you!” I ran from her, up the front steps, right past Ms. Sweaney whose triumphant smile was unmistakable.
Dani didn’t sit with me that night at dinner and she ignored me afterwards, too. I knew I’d crossed the line and I knew exactly how I did it. We’d always fought and name called like all sisters do, but we didn’t say those three words. More than once the phrase,” I hate you,” was the last thing we heard Momma yell before she left us. I regretted saying it, and I certainly didn’t mean it. After we both cooled down, I owed her a whopping apology.
I thought hard about the other things she’d said. It all made a little more sense now. Daddy did change jobs a lot and his drinking was always worse when Momma left. I hadn’t known about the baby, but I knew Daddy liked kids and would’ve been heartbroken to lose one of his own. But Momma was a puzzle. I remembered the blood and her smile the last time I saw her and knew deep down that she wasn’t quite right. On our first day at the home, Ms. Sweaney said that Daddy wasn’t coming back. Never had Dani agreed with her on anything before; she wouldn’t lie just to hurt me now.
I was sad but calmer by bedtime. The longer Daddy was gone the less I really believed he’d come back. I was ready to listen to what Dani had to say and needed to ask her more questions about what happened next. But she never came to my room that night, and she wasn’t at breakfast the next morning. Later that afternoon, I was summoned to Ms. Sweaney’s office.
“Where’s Danielle?” she demanded before I had even fully entered the room.
“I don’t know.”
“Tell me where she is and I won’t punish you for her stupidity.”
“I don’t know where she is.”
Ms. Sweaney tried erasing the irritation from her face. It didn't work. She moved from behind her desk to the front,
resting her hip on the corner. She was only inches from where I stood frozen. With a smile that was meant to be comforting, she urged, “I know how close the two of you are and I find it hard to believe that she would leave without you. Tell me where to find her and I’ll bring her back for you.”
“I don’t know anything. She didn’t say anything to me about leaving.” My legs felt wobbly and a rush of nausea surged through me. I couldn't catch my breath. Dani’s gone. Dani left me.
Ms. Sweaney’s smile disappeared as she leaned closer. “If I find out you’ve lied to me, you’ll receive something far worse than a sore backside. Now, get out!”
I rushed from the room tears filling my eyes while I gasped for air. At the door stood Mrs. Jones with arms extended like when we greeted her in the mornings before school. I stopped, lowered my head, and tried maneuvering past her. She took my hand and led me away from the office. I didn’t fight her; I wanted to follow.
We walked in silence to the cafeteria and out the back kitchen doors. Her steps quick and light and mine a numb shuffle. We exited onto a wide landing where I’d seen food trucks unload. The sunlight and warm breeze touched me but didn't penetrate my shock. Mrs. Jones sat and motioned for me to join her. She read the concern on my face and said, “Don’t worry Ms. Sweaney won’t find us here.”
I sat a safe distance away, but she pulled me in close and with a trembling sigh I melted into her. I don’t know how long I sobbed against her chest as she rocked me and whispered soft words. I do know that crying didn’t make me feel better. The truth only soaked in deeper. Dani's gone. Dani left me.
Mrs. Jones sensed that I had quieted, shifted to face me, and began the conversation she’d brought me here for. “Lily, sweetheart, do you have any idea where your sister might be? It’s not safe out there for girls so young with no one to look after them. If you tell me, I won’t tell Ms. Sweaney you told me. I’ll keep your name out of it.”
The Blueprint Page 5