Tonight, Lily wondered if that space was worth preserving anymore. Growing up, it had given her strength, reminding her during tough times, nothing could be worse. But maybe now it had become her excuse, her excuse to not hope for more. Maybe her wounds could heal, if given the chance. If what she feared was just being hurt again, certainly no pain could match losing her father and sister. I’m an adult, not a little girl, she told herself. I have a say in what happens to me. Nothing could be worse.
Lily awoke the next morning exhausted and dedicated to the idea of trying. She wasn’t certain how this would play itself out with Jimmy, but she didn’t want to be a chicken anymore. If she ever got comfortable with all this emotional mumbo-jumbo, she’d ask Kim why she wasn’t afraid. How did Kim get through her similar experience seemingly unscathed?
“Hey, Jimmy boy, what do you say to you and me meetin’ us some ladies tonight?”
“Not tonight, Tom, I have a date.”
Tom whined, “Ah, come on, brother, we never hang out anymore. The Rogers boys always work better as a team. I draw the ladies in with my good looks and you entertain them with your stories. There’s a band playin’ at Tulip’s tonight. Go with me.”
“I can’t. I have plans.”
“Fine. I’ll ask somebody else,” Tom grumbled.
They gathered their gear and walked together to the parking lot. Tom needled, “So are you meetin’ that sexy librarian with the big rack again? Ed says you spend all your free time with her and that’s why we haven’t seen you back at the house much. If this thing between you two is getting serious, Mom is gonna want to meet her."
“It’s not serious, and I can handle Mom.” Jimmy slammed his work stuff in the back of the truck and jumped in behind the wheel. The problem with having a big family and living in a small town was everybody was always in his business.
Tom grabbed the truck door as it shut between them and leaned in through the open window. “Hold up, brother. I know when I’m being blown off. What’s up?”
“Her name is Lily. And I don’t want you talkin' about her like she’s a piece of meat. I’m not ready for this to become a Rogers’ family matter. Got it?”
“All right. Calm down. Give me somethin’ and I’ll help hold Mom off for a while. Tell me about her people. Mom always wants to know about that family crap.”
Jimmy sighed, “She doesn’t have any people. She grew up in a children’s home.”
Tom pinched his face and squeezed his temples. “Ah, hell Jimmy, not another wounded dove.”
Jimmy started the truck and threw it into reverse.
“Wait. Wait,” Tom called, cursing himself for not checking his big mouth before speaking. “Sorry about that. But you know you have a tendency to go for the broken ones, right?”
“She’s not like Laura,” Jimmy snapped. “I wish you guys would forget about Laura. I have.”
“You’re right. That was a long time ago. Tell me about Lily. Sounds like you’re already in deep.”
Slipping the truck back into park, Jimmy took a deep breath and tried convincing himself that his brother was indeed having one of his rare sincere moments. He wanted to talk about Lily with someone, but Tom wasn’t known for his sensitivity. Reluctantly he began, “She’s mostly quiet and shy, but more and more I can get her talkin’ and laughin’ and it’s like she stops hidin' for a minute. When her guard’s down, she lots of fun. She’s real smart and reads a lot. I wouldn’t say she’s nerdy though, but she does spend a lot of time workin' things out in her head.” Jimmy smiled, remembering their first date. “I know she has a feisty side too, because I’ve seen it. It’s gonna take some time to figure her out, but I like a challenge; I think it’ll be time well spent.”
“What about family stuff? Does she talk about it?”
“No. She’s pretty tight lipped about all of that. Can you blame her? I need to keep her away from you guys until she’s more comfortable with me. I think meetin' the Rogers clan right now could be a little overwhelmin' for her." Jimmy's tone became hard and clipped again. "Look, I’m sure she’s got baggage like everybody else. But don’t assume I’m relivin' the past. I’m not.”
“You’ve got a soft heart and nobody wants to see you hurt again.”
“Hey, I’m a big boy. Hold Mom off for me for a while; I’ve got some wooing to do.”
“Will do, brother.” Tom waited for Jimmy to drive away before he let his face droop. Their mom was not going to like this one bit.
Fall arrived, bringing with it mild days but brisk nights. Jimmy invited Lily to a bonfire at his property. She’d never seen him so excited or nervous about a date before. As he drove them across the back roads leading to his “casa,” as he liked to call it, Lily was amused to see Mr. Sexy Confidence transform into an antsy adolescent. When he wasn’t asking her what she wanted to listen to or if the temperature in the truck was okay, he was reaching beside him to check the supplies for the night. She found his change in behavior both endearing and intriguing.
“Jimmy, I already checked twice, the wine glasses are in the basket.”
“What about the wine? Did I remember the wine?”
“Yes, I checked that too. And there’s enough food for six people in there.”
“I hope I chopped enough wood.”
“This place is in the woods, right? I’m sure we can find something to burn.” She reached across the mountain of stuff between them and stroked his arm. It was getting easier for her to touch him without thinking, without hesitating. “What’s got you so nervous? Are you afraid you’ll be eaten by a bear tonight, too?” This was a switch. She was trying to help him relax.
“There aren’t any bears. My property isn’t that far off in the boonies. The main highway is only ten minutes from here. Look, it’s right around that bend.”
As the truck turned onto a long gravel driveway, giant trees bordering the open lot welcomed them with their renewable confetti as the sun setting in shades of pinks and oranges painted the rustic chest for Jimmy’s treasure. On a concrete slab balanced open stud walls and trusses, the skeleton of his house under construction.
Rolling down his window, he pointed to the construction site and announced, “This is my casa.” He paused for a moment working through the design in his head, imagining the finished product, seeing the bones with the skin. Disgusted, he added, “That’s where I sleep,” and pointed to a trailer that sat crumbling at the end of the drive.
He stopped the truck and walked around to help Lily out, needlessly taking all of her weight in his arms as she stepped down. Although his eyes had brightened, Lily noticed a new intensity to Jimmy that she didn’t understand. Brushing the hair from her eyes, he gave her a timid smile. “If you aren’t too hungry just yet, I’d like to show you around my house first before it gets dark.”
She agreed, and he took her hand, leading the way. His attention wavered between Lily and the site as they walked through the half acre of ankle high grass that separated the trailer from the house. He was nervous about showing her his project. He feared she wouldn’t understand its significance---like the last woman he’d brought here. Granted, then the framework wasn’t up. There were only unfinished drawings, sketches that outlined his dream of designing and building his own home. Although Lily had asked a couple of times to see the property, he'd always made excuses. It concerned him that even though they'd gone on a dozen dates and shared months of lunches together, they hadn't had a single serious conversation. His brother's would think he'd achieved the impossible, but he wasn't like his brothers.
He knew Lily liked him. Her smiles came quicker now and she had warmed more to his touch. But, would she understand him? Was it fair to test her or was it too soon? He did know for certain that if she laughed at him and mocked him, like Laura had, tonight would be their last night together. That much he'd learned. That much he was sure of.
As they reached the center of the open house, Jimmy asked, “So what do you think?”
“Well..,”
she crossed her arms and looked up and around, taking her time, spinning in place, “I think it’s amazing that you’re able to do all this yourself, but…” Lily stopped to gather her thoughts, and Jimmy, preparing for the worst, turned his back to her. She continued, “But I’m not good with visual-spatial stuff. I can’t really picture what the house looks like. Can you talk me through it?”
Jimmy released the breath he’d been holding and with it all the tension that had been festering inside him since he’d decided to bring her to the house exited too. In the fading light, he gave Lily a crash course in home building. He explained the layout of each room, the purpose and placement of studs for plumbing and electric installations, the physics involved in truss and roof design, and the aesthetics of different building materials. The blueprint of the home he hoped to share with his wife and children one day had grown and developed in his mind since childhood. The picture in his head was complete; he just needed the reality to catch up. Jimmy knew he was one of the few lucky enough to live out his kid dreams and was happy to tell her all about it.
Lily only understood about half of what he said, but it was the way he said it that captured her attention. He became teacher and storyteller. The excitement in his voice was contagious. He made her want to understand that a house is more than wood, siding, and shingles. He enticed her with his vision of the strength, function, and beauty that personify a home’s foundation and framework. As they walked back to the truck in the dark, she could almost envision his home complete with stone fireplace, deep porch, and bay windows facing the setting sun.
Reaching behind the seat of his truck, Jimmy pulled out the blueprints. He turned on the truck’s headlights and unrolled them on an old wrought iron patio table that stood outside the door to the trailer. “This is a drawing of the front elevation. You can better see the roof line, the front door, and the porch. This over here will be the master bedroom in the northeast corner. I like to wake with the sun so I put it there.” Jimmy had gotten into the habit of doing most of the talking with Lily, and now caught up in discussing his favorite topic; he realized he’d jabbered nonstop for close to an hour. It was time to shut up. “Does that help? Can you see it now?”
“Yes, I see it. I think it’ll be wonderful. Thanks for bringing me here and showing it to me.”
No laughter. No condescending tone.
Standing side by side in the cold, with the harsh lights of the truck holding the dark at a distance, Jimmy grabbed Lily in a bear hug and dropped a kiss on the top of her head. She’s not a woman of many words, but those were the right ones.
Lily laughed, glad to see the old Jimmy back. Then, struggling to free her face from his sweater, she peeped, “Is it time for food and a fire now?”
He took her face in his big hands and gave her a happy, loud kiss. “Yes, darlin’, it’s time I fed and romanced you some. Will you lay out the food on the table while I build you a great big fire? If I forgot somethin’, you might find what you need inside. But I have to warn you, the inside ain't much prettier than the outside.”
Between the grocery store, and what Lily assumed had to be Jimmy’s mother, a nice spread of fried chicken, salad, mashed potatoes, fresh bread, and a decadent chocolaty dessert was provided and devoured. Jimmy built a bonfire in a rock circle across from the trailer. He placed blankets a safe distance away near a log that substituted as furniture. Lily fetched the wine left from dinner. With full stomachs and quiet minds, they snuggled together under the blankets and watched the shadows play. The crackle and pop of the fire accompanied the night sounds as she rested her head on his shoulder and he stroked her hair.
“Are you warm enough?” he asked.
“Mmmm,” she purred and nuzzled closer.
“Can I ask you somethin'?”
“Mmmm,”
“I’ve shown you my house now and told you about my big family and where I grew up. Will you tell me somethin’ about your childhood?” He felt her stiffen. “Anything, really. I want to know you better. Tell me a story.”
Jimmy let her leave his embrace. He needed her to trust him with her past if they were going to have a future. Kim had warned him that Lily wouldn’t like being asked, but he couldn’t see avoiding it any longer. He kept his eyes on the fire and gave her the space to think.
Lily’s automatic response was to shut down. She was instantly aware of her body’s rigidity and mind’s distance in response to his request, an old habit. But after feeling the cold air seep between them, she recognized for the first time the consequence of her defensive instincts. They sat an arm's length away from each other as the silence pulsed. Jimmy was determined not to speak first, and Lily picked her cuticles, wondering where to start.
She wrapped a blanket around her shoulders and clutched it to her chest, aware of the shame that also enveloped her. Her voice steady and low; she began, “The summer before I was left at the home, we camped out a lot. We didn’t have any camping gear, but it was more comfortable than sleeping in the station wagon. We’d sneak in after the park gates closed for the night so we wouldn’t have to pay. I treated it like some great adventure, but Dani, my sister, complained. My dad had a way of making everything fun. We’d pretend to be green berets as we snuck through the brush with our bundle of blankets avoiding the enemy and booby traps. It was all a big game.”
“First thing when we got there, my dad would send us out to collect wood before it got too dark while he chatted with people nearby, sometimes bumming food, and sometimes just making friends so we didn’t look suspicious. Then he’d build a fire---like this one. I loved his campfires, the smell, the light, the sounds. It felt like magic to me the way the light hypnotizes you and makes your mind drift in and out. I remember staring at the fire until my eyes burned, waiting for something or someone to appear and then blinking and doing it again.”
“My dad told great stories. When he was a kid he read lots of cowboy and Indian books. He still remembered them and would retell them to us, replacing me and Dani as Indian chiefs and soldiers. The stories were always the same, good guy versus bad guy, but it didn't matter. The way he told them made them fun to listen to. He’d act it out, pretending to shoot guns, swing tomahawks, or launch arrows. When the story reached its inevitable end and the good guy beat the bad guy, he’d play the dying man’s part flopping around on the ground, gasping for air. The whole thing was so ridiculous that even Dani laughed.” Shifting positions, she brought her knees close to her chest, wrapped her arms and blanket around them, and with a weak smile added, “I hadn’t been to a campfire since that summer.”
Lily’s story ended. She was struck mute by how fresh and raw the memory had returned. Remembering the faces of her family felt both wonderful and painful. She rested her chin on her knees and stared ahead, overcome by the flood of emotions so long contained, threatening to escape. What now? I can feel myself coming undone in front of him.
Jimmy brushed the hair from her eyes and she shivered. He brushed her cheek and tears wet his skin. He whispered, “Darlin’, let me hold you.”
She leaned toward him and then away, wrestling with self-preservation, old methods against new. He bridged the distance, hugging her to his chest, soothing her with soft words. In his arms, she chose the new path and let herself unravel.
They laid tucked together on their sides. Lily’s head resting on Jimmy’s arm, his breath warm on the back of her neck, watching the fire burn itself out. Jimmy asked nothing more from her. The quiet between them felt safe.
Because he knew he should, he asked, “Do you want me to take you home now?”
She turned to face him. “Can I stay?”
“Are you sure?” He ran his fingers along the paths of her dried tears as his pulse bucked with anticipation.
Taking the finger that stroked her cheek, she traced the sensitive skin of her lips. She tasted its tip with her tongue, met his eyes, and answered, “Yes.”
He led her into the dark trailer and fumbled for a light. Other than
a TV, couch, and books, the living area was empty of color, pictures, or accessories. He felt as nervous as he had on the ride over. “The kitchen is to the right and the bedroom and bathroom are to the left. I know it’s not much, but it’s not meant to be my home, just a temporary place to sleep.” He took the blankets from her, folded them, and fiddled with the thermostat.
“Jimmy, this place is luxurious compared to some of the places I stayed as a kid, including the house I grew up in. As long as your bedroom isn't painted black, I'm okay."
"What?" Her strange statement confused him. "No. It's not black. That would make this place even more depressing."
Hiding her relief while pushing the uninvited memory of her parent's old room away, Lily patted the cushion of the couch next to her, encouraging him to join her. “What is it? You’ve been kind of weird off and on all night.”
He sat and stared at his boots. “I want to impress you and this ain’t gonna do it. See, there’s a difference between a house and a home. A house is just a roof over your head. A home is comfort, and warmth, and memories." He gestured to the room's sagging wood paneling and ratty shag carpeting. "And this place is a dump.”
He left her side and adjusted the antenna of his television. “I want what my parents have, but I’m not there yet.” His shoulders slumped as he finally arrived at the part that was bothering him. He turned to face her and sunk his hands in his pockets. “The last woman I brought here thought my idea of a home was stupid and impossible. Her parents went through an ugly divorce when she was growing up and she jumped between their apartments while they fought over everything, including custody of her. She hated them and her life with them. I thought I loved her." He shrugged. "I thought I could make her happy, and I realized late in the game that ain't nothin’ gonna’ make her happy. But first, I gave up on my dream of building a house...for her. I tried things her way and I followed her to New York City. She loved being far from her family and I hated it. She liked the idea of signing a six months lease somewhere and taking off for somewhere else when it was up, and I pretended to be okay with it all. I couldn’t keep the act up and came back with my tail between my legs. I realized I needed my roots, I needed my family, and I needed my dream.”
The Blueprint Page 12