Lily returned looking the happiest Kim had ever seen her. It only took a couple of days before Kim identified the reason and accurately labeled her roommate’s condition. Lily had caught a bad case of the ‘love stupids,’ and Kim was experiencing enough symptoms of nausea for both of them. First, Kim noticed her roommate mindlessly humming over chores, an unprecedented behavior. Next, she observed Lily sprinting to the phone when it rang rather than letting the machine get it, again unprecedented. The last and most decidedly sure sign that Jimmy had indeed broken through her roommate’s defenses and won Lily’s heart were the satisfied grins she wore while daydreaming.
Kim bore this breakthrough surprisingly well, but only when she didn’t have to see them together. It was Jimmy’s presence that drove her to hiding or drinking, usually both. She couldn’t help but want him and she couldn’t stop herself from wanting him to want her back. However, tonight she thought she might have stumbled upon a solution to this unrequited love. Jimmy had brought his brother, Tom, along as her date, and if nothing else, they looked alike. Both brothers had dark hair that set off their dreamy blue eyes. Both were nicely muscled from long days of manual labor. And both pulsed with a sex appeal that made her want to get naked; but maybe that was the alcohol. Nevertheless, she planned to take full advantage of the opportunity.
Tom liked his women fast and easy and although he’d been threatened with “the beatin’ of a lifetime” by his brother if he laid a finger on Kim tonight, she was making it hard for him to behave. He’d checked her out at Christmas when she arrived with his cousin, Brian, whom everyone knew preferred guys. For whatever reason, she’d put on a good show, pretending to be his cousin’s girlfriend that night, so he resisted making a move. She met his standards exactly: blonde, petite, pretty, spunky. Minimally attractive and drunk were usually his only criteria for approaching a woman in a bar, but real dates required higher standards. And her pawing at him in obvious desperation made Kim that much harder to resist.
Kim danced every dance gyrating provocatively for Tom or whoever cared to notice. The reception’s South American theme included sultry music with seductive overtones, which only egged her on.
To the best of her knowledge, Lily wasn’t aware that Kim had taken lessons in Latin American dance styles, but she had admit her roommate was faking it quite well. Surprised, confused, often embarrassed, Lily watched her from the vantage of their table, wondering what the hell had possessed her roommate to drink so much and flaunt herself so outrageously.
Jimmy was also uncomfortable with Kim’s behavior on and off the dance floor. She was his best friend and watching his brother and other men salivate over her was making him crazy. After witnessing Kim ride Tom’s back around the room with her dress hiked up around her thighs, yelling “‘Andele! ‘Andele!”, he decided it was time to intervene. He asked Lily to supervise his brother, who was also grossly over-served, while he danced with Kim and talked some sense into her.
“Are you having fun?” Jimmy asked, taking Kim in his arms without her permission.
Her eyes were heavy with drink, her body damp with perspiration, and her shoulder- length hair wild from exertion. She didn’t care. She knew exactly what she was doing. “I’m having a great time.”
“I’m starting to think, sweetheart, that maybe you’re having too much fun.”
“There’s no such thing. And if you can’t keep up, Mr. Party Pooper,” she said, spraying spit on his face, “maybe you should go sit down with your fragile flower and leave me alone.” Kim tried pulling away and nearly stumbled into another couple.
Steadying her before disaster struck, he squeezed her shoulders and commanded under his breath, “You’re coming with me.” With a smile for the crowd, Jimmy dragged her from the dance floor and led her to the farthest unoccupied table.
She slumped into a chair, avoiding Jimmy’s angry glare, and sulked. Kim was sober enough to know Jimmy was mad, but not sober enough to know that it mattered.
Jimmy checked his temper and pulled a chair up next to her. As he searched for words, he realized that his conversations with Kim were always about somebody other than Kim. His time with her was either spent as buddy or advisee. He’d never asked her about herself, because it had never occurred to him to do so. If Kim was smiling, which she usually was, she must be okay---right? But how well did he really know her? His anger fizzled as he recognized himself as the jerk in this one-sided friendship. “Tell me what’s going on. What’s the deal with the Charo routine?”
She ignored his question and waved to a nearby waiter, miming for him to bring her a glass of wine. Jimmy canceled the order. Kim snapped, “Damn it! Mind your own business, all right? I need a drink.” She crossed her arms and sank lower in her chair.
“I’ll get you water and then we’ll talk. Stay here.” He stood, towering over her, and added, “If you’re not here when I return, I’ll drag you back kickin' and screamin' if I have to. Got it?”
She moaned and nodded her consent. Her sweat was starting to dry and her cold, clammy skin was not helping her maintain the state of oblivion she had hoped for tonight. And she knew she needed to be drunk in order to stick with her plan to sleep with Tom. Even loopy with drink, she predicted it probably wouldn’t help her get over Jimmy, but she believed the guilt from doing something stupid would at least distract her from another sleepless night mooning over him. Her professional voice told her to look up the clinical term for the dumb stunt she was about to pull, but that would have to wait until tomorrow.
Jimmy returned with a glass of water which Kim guzzled in an instant. He watched her, waiting for an explanation as she watched Simon trample his new bride while attempting to Salsa. He noticed the goose bumps covering her arms and placed his sports jacket over her shoulders.
She winced like the jacket was lined with thorns. She hated it when he was nice. It just made it worse. With the dance floor so far away and the object of her seduction nearly asleep at Lily’s side, her mood shifted from careless to introspective, stage two in her inebriation.
“Start talkin’,” Jimmy ordered.
Kim rested her elbows on the table, her chin in her hands, and let out a sigh of frustration. “Jimmy, have you ever wanted something you couldn’t have?”
“Sure, everybody has.”
“What did you want that you didn’t get?”
Loosening his tie and unbuttoning his collar, he answered, “Well, when I was ten I wanted a pellet gun. But my mother informed me that it would be a cold day in hell before she got me a weapon to shoot my brothers and cousins with. So that was that.”
Kim rolled her eyes. “It sounds to me like your mom kept you out of jail. But that’s not really what I meant. Something you want that you can’t buy or make.”
“My parents taught us that you can have whatever you want, if you work hard enough for it. And I’ve found that to be true.”
She smirked at Jimmy’s predictable response. She spotted Simon picking Judith up where he’d dropped her on the dance floor during an elaborate maneuver gone wrong. Kim leaned back in her chair, watched the show, and chose not to look at her companion. “I think I’ve worked hard. I’ve stayed out of trouble, got good grades, won a scholarship. I’ve always followed all the rules and done everything I was supposed to, but your working hard theory hasn’t worked for me.”
He turned in his chair so he could better see her. Kim was a woman with lots of energy whose emotions oozed from her pores. If she was happy, her whole body echoed her joy. If she was mad, she vibrated with anger. For a lady without a poker face, her prevailing calm was unsettling. “Why don’t you tell me what we’re talkin' about, Kim? What is it that you want and can’t have?”
She hugged Jimmy’s jacket around herself and his musky scent enveloped her. What's the harm in pretending just for a minute that he cares? “As far back as I can remember, I thought, if I was good and worked hard, like you said, that I could earn myself a family. I’m not sure what happened to my birth p
arents, and since I never knew them, I wasn’t stuck on getting them back. As far as I was concerned, anyone would do. I thought maybe a teacher or a friend of some adult from school would see me or hear about me and think, ‘That Kim is a great kid. Let’s find her some parents, or even better, I’ll keep her for myself.’ When I turned twelve, I gave up on that fantasy. I wasn’t so naive that I thought a family would want me at that age. Even then, I knew preteen girls were a pain. So I shifted my attention to boys. If I couldn’t have parents who loved me, then I’d get myself a boyfriend who loved me. I watched the older girls at school flirt and I learned every trick. Those games worked like a dream in high school. I got the boys’ attention sure enough, but the problem was that boys from town only wanted one thing from the girls from the home, which I found out the hard way as did lots of my friends. So I gave up on the romance part and focused on friendships. I wanted guys to love me for more than just my body. I thought if they cared about me as a friend then they wouldn’t use me and throw me away like before. Well, it turned out that I was so good at being friends with the guys that I was cursed to be treated like a pet instead of someone they’d like to date. And when I took the initiative with a guy to change from friend to more, they inevitably freaked out. Apparently, men like a woman who is a touch aloof. They like a challenge, and I’m too quick to make my intention for an eternal commitment known.” She tried to chuckle, pretending her failures were funny somehow, but the alcohol had silenced her usual self-deprecating laugh.
“So working hard hasn’t gotten me what I want. And being fun hasn’t gotten me what I want either. I’m starting to believe that it might just be time to stop wanting.” Kim turned to Jimmy who sat staring ahead, pensive. She attempted to lighten the mood, “If Lily heard me talking like this I bet she’d say, ‘I told you so.’”
His glare turned on her at the mention of his girlfriend and Kim wished she’d omitted that last remark. With hard eyes that contradicted his soft tone, he said, “I’m so sorry, Kim. I really am.” They sat looking at each other as the noise and activity around them fell away. For the first time, he was aware of the disconnect between his behavior and feelings. Lily was his girlfriend, but Kim was his best friend. And he'd failed them both. One wanted to be left alone and the other wanted to be loved. Maybe he’d made a mistake that hard work couldn’t fix, and now he wasn’t going to get what he wanted either.
She shook herself from their trance and broke the silence. “Hey, looks like the bride and groom are on their way out, so let’s gather the gang and head out too, okay? I think I agree with you. I’ve done enough damage for one night.” She tried to stand, but was overcome with dizziness.
Jimmy reached for her before she stumbled and held her in his arms while she regained her balance. Brushing the hair from her eyes and smiling down at her, he again held her gaze for longer than he should. “Let’s get out of here.”
Lily, concerned that the “talking to” Jimmy had threatened to give Kim would turn nasty, had adjusted her chair so she could keep an eye on their conversation in case it needed a referee. Often the three of them had spent time together, but until tonight she’d never really watched them together. Never had she met two people who were so comfortable in their own skins. She witnessed so much bad dancing during the reception, she wondered with a grin if Kim and Jimmy could move as effortlessly together on the dance floor as they did through a crowd. She watched as Jimmy offered his jacket and settled himself close to Kim to listen. Although he looked distant while Kim talked, she knew he was listening to every word as his face registered the emotions those words were stirring. She also knew that his face wasn’t displaying anger as some might think, but probably regret. She watched as Jimmy caught a woozy Kim and held her close, smoothing her hair from her eyes. Anyone who didn’t know better would think Jimmy and Kim were the couple.
Jimmy kept an arm around Kim until he reached their original table where he switched patients with Lily and took over the responsibility of Tom. The bride and groom had disappeared out the back door without the pleasure of having bird seed hurled at them, so now the foursome were able to sneak out the front without too many necessary good-byes.
Melancholy, the third and final stage of Kim’s alcohol altered consciousness, cloaked her like a heavy blanket. With a drooling, snoring Tom draped across her lap on the drive home, she recognized the imminent failure of her plan. She stared out the window, trying to keep her eyes open, and prayed that once she reached her own bed all the wine she drank would serve her in at least one way, a long dreamless sleep.
After reaching the ladies' house, Jimmy left Tom in the car with the door open and his head resting precariously on the edge of the seat.
Lily asked, “Are you going to leave him like that?”
“Absolutely. If he pukes, there’s a better chance it’ll land on the concrete and not your floor boards. He’s lucky I don’t put him out in the yard for the night.” Jimmy retrieved a limp Kim from the other door. “Here’s the plan, Lily. You go get Kim’s room ready and find an empty trash can we can set next to her bed. I’ll carry her in and help get her settled before I drive my idiot brother home. And I’ll return your car in the morning, unless you want me to swing back by after I drop him off.”
“No, you should go home and take care of Tom. I’m sure Kim would probably prefer you didn’t see her like this anyway. If you’ve got her, I’ll go in and get things ready.”
“Go ahead. I’ll be there in a minute.”
Lily unlocked the door and flipped on lights as she scrambled through the house, clearing a path.
A dazed Kim stirred to find herself floating in Jimmy’s arms. She mumbled, “Oh Jimmy,” and clung to his neck, nearly choking him and throwing him off balance.
“Careful there, sweetheart, if this is gonna work I’ll need to be able to breathe.” He stepped into the kitchen gently, maneuvering Kim through so he wouldn’t crack her head on the door jamb.
“Jimmy, will you stay tonight?” Kim whispered, nuzzling her nose into his neck.
“Not tonight. Lily is sendin’ me home.”
“You could stay with me. I’d never send you away.”
Jimmy stumbled his way through the short hallway and into Kim’s room, ignoring her remark and her tongue in his ear. He could hear Lily opening and closing closet and cabinet doors, searching for a barf bucket. Laying Kim down in her bed and peeling her hands away from his neck, he slipped off her shoes and covered her up. “I’m gonna go, sweetheart. You’ll sleep like the dead tonight and feel like hell tomorrow. Lily’s gettin’ you something in case you get sick and can’t make it to the bathroom, okay?” He studied her small frame and sad blue eyes. He leaned down to kiss her forehead and silently apologized for being one of many men who’d overlooked the promise in her smile. Stroking her cheek, he whispered, “I’ll check on you in the morning.”
Kim took his hand and brought it to her chest like a little girl cradles a teddy bear before she falls asleep, “She’s going to hurt you, Jimmy. I’d never hurt you,” she muttered.
“I know,” he answered and replaced his hand with a stuffed rabbit he found lying near her pillow. He turned off the lights, taking one last long look, and left the room to find Lily just outside the door with a pot.
“Do you think this will work?” she asked.
“Uh, yeah. It should be fine. Um….she seems settled. I’m gonna go unless you need me to do something else.”
“I got it. Hey, are you okay?” She smoothed the creases of his shirt and felt his heart pounding.
“Just tired, I think. I’ll see you in the morning.” He kissed Lily on the forehead and then realizing what he’d done, he kissed her again hard on the mouth and left.
Rather than dumping his pathetic brother at his parents’ house, Jimmy headed back to his trailer. He was grateful for the long drive and the quiet. The dark and the steady hum of the engine helped tidy his jumbled thoughts. Although he knew he’d done nothing intentionally wr
ong, guilt consumed him, guilt for not doing the right thing now or even eleven months ago. He’d been so caught up in the challenge of winning Lily that he’d missed seeing Kim for what she was, his blueprint. She wanted what he wanted, marriage, family, the house with a white picket fence. She had told him all of this months ago, but he hadn’t listened. He was too busy convincing Lily that she wanted the same and using Kim to help sway her.
He'd known from the beginning that Kim was interested. That first night when he was invited over to fix their sink and stay for pizza, he ignored her bait. Not because he didn’t find her attractive, but because he‘d already spotted his target, her roommate. There was no denying that he was attracted to both women, Lily for her body and the chase and Kim for her friendship and wit. Jimmy realized that made him a complete asshole.
Things had improved between him and Lily since the Chicago trip. She didn’t seem as closed off and reluctant to share her past. He didn’t feel like he needed to jump through hoops to please her anymore, because she seemed to want to be with him now as much as he wanted to be with her. The playing ground had mostly leveled, her defenses had mellowed. However, these changes in her hadn’t eased his concerns about their future. His house would be ready to move into soon and he wanted somebody to help him pick out the furniture. There was still no conclusive evidence that Lily wanted to be that person.
On the other hand, he couldn’t ignore any longer (although he knew he should) that Kim would love to help him make his house a home and that that was an alternative he knew without a doubt would work. Things between him and Kim had always been easy, lots to talk about, more to laugh about.
Shit, I’ve messed this up big time! Jimmy whipped an empty soda can at his brother.
Tom moaned and muttered something unintelligible.
The Blueprint Page 16