Kim's eyes watered as she felt the full force of Lily's words and the history that inspired them, her own history as well as her roommate's. This was their shot at righting the wrong done to them. She would be this baby's step-mother. Her breath caught and the tears fell freely.
"I thought the tears weren't supposed to come until after the baby's born," Lily handed Kim a tissue.
"I just realized something." Kim's voice trembled with emotion. "I know I'm not Stinky's real mom, but I can make sure that she's never alone and that she always has people around who love her. I can give her what I never had." She swallowed hard and continued, "I didn't give up hoping that somebody would adopt me for a long time. It was never about finding my real mom. It was always about finding a true mom. All I ever wanted was to be loved. The blood bond never mattered." She searched Lily's face for shared understanding. Their gazes locked as snapshots in time rewound and fast forwarded, reminding them of who they were and who they are now.
The blast of Jimmy blowing his nose shook them from their meditation. They saw his wet eyes and giggled, both grabbing for tissues themselves. He blushed and they laughed harder, all of them attempting to get their fluctuating emotions under control. Thankfully, a nurse walked in about that time to check Lily's progress, the interruption helping them regain their composure. Jimmy stepped out to call his family and give them an update as well as invite them to the hospital. Kim crossed the room to be out of the nurse's way and busied herself unpacking Lily's bag, her mind racing with the gravity of her impending role of step-parent in her step-daughter's life. It was amazing how a few words from Lily had brought her so much clarity. She would be more to this baby than mom's friend and dad's wife; she would be family.
"Did you hear that?"
"What?" Kim returned to her friend's side, noticing the nurse had gone.
"I'm six centimeters."
"Four to go." They exchanged a nervous smile.
"I think we need to discuss this name thing more seriously. We can't put Stinky on the birth certificate. What names do you like...for real?" Lily asked.
Kim grabbed a pad of paper and a pen as they began a more deliberate version of their game. Jimmy returned to take Kim's late lunch order and chose not to add to their list, commenting he'd know what to call her when he saw her. Both women scoffed at that idea and instead passed time in pursuit of the perfect name. Their game was later interrupted by the arrival of the cheering squad, Jimmy's family. Rogers Construction had shut down work early.
First, Jimmy brought in his father, Charlie, along with Grace. Charlie clumsily rushed right in, ignoring all the equipment, and grabbed Lily in a hug. Then, he threw himself into a rough hug with his son, each patting the other on the back so hard it would be a miracle if they didn't leave marks. Kim stood with arms extended, anticipating being lifted and twirled as usual. As Charlie's large form and booming voice filled the room, Grace studied the monitors.
With her arms crossed and her expression bland, Grace pretended to lack interest or excitement. "Based on the spread of your contractions, I’d guess my granddaughter will arrive by eight."
Lily was the only one who heard her prediction and she nodded her acknowledgement.
Grace's conscience needled her. It was easier to be hostile to Lily when she wasn't lying in a hospital bed ready to give birth to a precious member of her family. She was a mother five times over and already the grandmother of three; Grace knew what it felt like to lay in that bed. Thawing enough to make peace, if only momentarily, she added with quiet gratitude, "Thank you for allowing us to come." She glanced down, making sure Lily heard. After greeting her son and Kim, she left, popping back in sporadically, monitoring Lily's progress, and keeping the nurses on their toes.
Jimmy's brothers arrived together. Their discomfort with the situation, whether it be with the muddled dynamic or with pregnant women in general, was obvious as they waved a quick hello and retreated just as fast. Janie arrived last and entered the hospital room alone, having left her husband and kids at home. She sat next to Lily in bed, showering her with encouragement, stroking the baby bump, simultaneously soothing her new niece and the soon-to-be new mom.
Kim watched as Lily took each new visitor in stride, never shying away, even though only Charlie and Janie seemed unruffled by the situation. Her best friend's life was only a short while away from being changed exponentially and she appeared more serene than she'd ever seen her. Those must be some good drugs, because Kim was uncomfortably aware of how she was a sweaty mess from the plethora of different but equally potent emotions washing over her as the clock ticked forward.
With all the traffic in and out, the waiting was less laborious. Because Lily was mostly numb, it was the nurse who provided notice that it was time. Visiting stragglers where ushered out of the room, leaving Kim and Jimmy to take their positions on either side of Lily.
Thirty minutes of pushing brought the baby into the world just before eight o'clock. Lily held her swaddled newborn as Kim and Jimmy nestled next to her in bed and surveyed the new arrival, who cried fiercely at the disruption of her solitude, shaking her red fists in protest before deciding their greater purpose was for sucking on. The threesome laughed and cooed, realizing that once again all of their cheeks were damp. Taking their time before welcoming the crowd, they studied their daughter's form, marveling at her presence. Jimmy took her in his big arms and whispered welcoming words against her fine dark wisps of hair. Lily and Kim cried fresh tears while watching him succumb to the sweetness of his baby. When offered, Kim didn't hesitate taking her turn holding the infant. She understood that they were a team and she cherished her role. None of the complications that their predicament entailed mattered a bit right now. So tiny, so perfect, they all breathed in unison with the new life that had swept them away.
Jimmy hated to disturb the tranquil cocoon that enveloped them, but he could already hear his family stirring in the hall. He interrupted, "After we name her, I'll go tell the mob outside. We'll need to be quick about it, because they aren't a patient group. What names did you two come up with?"
Kim handed the sleeping bundle back to Lily. "You choose, Lily."
She welcomed the baby back into her embrace, kissing her lightly on the forehead, before starting to hum. She heard Kim laugh and smiled up at her. "I think it's perfect for all the right reasons."
They hummed together for a minute and Kim said, "Me, too."
Jimmy looked back and forth at the women, flustered at his ignorance of the code being exchanged between them. He never felt as lost as when these two communicated in their secret language. "What? What did I miss?"
Lily answered, "Kim came up with the name, Amanda. We thought it would be perfect, if she had two love songs to go along with her name." She started humming a different tune and Kim joined in.
"Words, ladies. I need words."
Kim rolled her eyes. "I can't believe you don't recognize the songs. I'd sing them but I don't want to scare the baby. The first one was "Amanda," by Boston. Or if she goes by Mandy, she'll have a song by Barry Manilow, too."
Jimmy's confusion hadn't abated with their explanation. "And having a song is important?" he asked, brows furrowed.
"Yes!" The women answered together.
"Girls," Jimmy grumbled, shaking his head. "I guess I'll have to buy those cassettes. But, I'm not telling people why it was picked. That's your job. With all the crying I've done today and now talk of love songs, everybody is gonna think I've turned into a pansy." Betraying his last statement, he nuzzled Amanda's cheek and in a sing-song voice said, "Isn't that right, Amanda? Daddies have to be big and tough." He was ushered out the door by muffled giggles.
When finally the last visitor left for the night, the crushing strength of the exhaustion excitement had held at bay commanded their attention. Kim would have to return home; she was expected back at work tomorrow, but Jimmy had been given the week off. Kim stayed to watch Amanda take her bottle, and procrastinated leaving unti
l Jimmy all but carried her out the door, delivering her to her car.
He returned to find Lily lying half-awake in the dark with Amanda asleep in her bassinette only an arm's length away. He whispered, "You know the nurses will take her for the night so you can get some rest."
Half asleep, she mumbled her reply, "I need to keep her with me as long as I can."
Jimmy yielded and deposited himself in the recliner, preparing himself for a stiff neck and back in the morning.
The next three days passed in a blur of holding and feeding Amanda coupled with bursts of boisterous visits from Jimmy's extended family. He ran interference with the nursing staff and company while Lily cradled their baby, wholly possessed with her daughter's needs. In their brief moments alone, he wondered how he could have ever doubted her capacity for loving their child. Lily appeared so enthralled with her newborn that the outside world had fallen away. Late at night, he could hear her whispering to Amanda while she took her bottle, another mother imparting unsolicited wisdom. The same woman who he'd struggled to get more than two sentences out of at a time while they dated seemed to never run short of soft words for her baby.
On the fourth and last night in the hospital, Jimmy opened his eyes to find the bassinette empty and Lily deathly still with a sleeping baby in her arms. He wondered if the lack of rest had finally caught up with her and she'd fallen asleep with her eyes open. He watched her for another minute and when she still hadn't moved, he went to scoop Amanda up and place her safely in the crib.
Lily gasped, "Not yet, please."
"Lily, you have to sleep." He brushed the hair from her eyes and was struck by how cold she felt. "You're gonna make yourself sick, darlin'. We'll all still be here in the mornin'. You can hold her again then and every day after that." He returned Amanda to the crib and tucked an extra blanket around Lily, who shivered in the baby's absence. He returned to his chair and debated whether or not he should summon a nurse. By the time he'd decided to act, Lily released a heavy sigh and closed her eyes, giving up her fight with the inevitable.
Kim sped to the hospital, hoping to make it back before the final release papers were signed. Amanda would go home today. She'd grown attached to the infant she already thought of as a step-daughter. And where before she hesitated to make herself part of important parental moments, now she gave herself permission to not miss a thing. Days away from Amanda were torture, watching the clock trudge forward until quitting time signaled another race to the hospital where the healing powers of the baby's coos would sustain her until the next evening. She was giddy with the knowledge that tonight was different. Tomorrow was Saturday, and there would be a reprieve from the torture at last.
As she rushed to enter Lily's room, she collided with a well-dressed stranger as much in a hurry to leave as she was to arrive. She found Jimmy slumped on the empty bed studying papers while his child lay squirming in her bassinette. Kim knew instantly that something was off, but reached for Amanda first, who looked ready to remind her father of her presence and displeasure at being ignored. The baby quieted when she received what she was about to request with force and accepted Kim's pinky as a pacifier.
Rocking Amanda, Kim asked, "Who was that man? And where's Lily?"
Jimmy didn't look up. His tone hard, he answered, "That was my lawyer. And Lily's gone."
Kim sat next to him on the bed, peering over his shoulder at the papers he clutched, and waited for him to explain. She didn't want to jump to conclusions, but the dread building in her gut supplied the answer before she asked, "Jimmy, what happened?"
"Lily asked me to run some errands for her before she and Amanda were released. She sent me out looking for some special diaper that could only be found across town. When I got back she was gone, and my lawyer, Teddy Shriver, was waiting for me." He shoved the stack of papers back in their envelope. His temper mounting, he continued, "Apparently the same day she went in to sign the papers Teddy had written up for me, Lily hired him to do some work for her." He took a deep breath, releasing it slowly. Tapping the manila envelope, he finished, "This document gives me full custody of Amanda. Lily terminated her parental rights. It was dated and signed over two weeks ago."
He reached for his daughter. "There's a letter addressed to both of us from Lily in the envelope with the legal papers. I'm not ready to read it. But go ahead if you want."
I found a way to keep my promise. If I stayed, I'd do more harm than good. I can't change who I am, but I can make sure Amanda doesn't catch what I have. This week with her is all that I dare take. She deserves better. She deserves the two of you. I love you both. Please, respect my choice.
Lily
Kim shook her head, her eyes wet with tears.
Jimmy took her hand. "Let's go home."
The Blueprint Page 26