He was also missing Amanda more than he had any right to. Maybe that’s what happened when a man saw his days dwindling down. He thought about the mistakes he’d made and the people he’d hurt and started wishing things could be different. Or maybe it was just Caleb picking at that particular scab every time he got the chance.
Every once in a while Max yearned just to catch a glimpse of his daughter and grandchildren. Caleb’s secondhand reports weren’t enough. The only reason he hadn’t acted on his impulse was his fear of being caught. It would be damned humiliating if Amanda saw him riding by her house, checking things out like some sort of Peeping Tom.
Tonight, though, he couldn’t seem to shake off the impulse. It was already dark, but not yet late enough that she and those kids of hers would be in bed. He might be able to spot them inside the house without her being any the wiser. The more he considered the idea, the better he liked it. Besides, the drive alone would do him good. He needed a change of scenery.
Glad that the Alzheimer’s hadn’t gotten so bad yet that he’d been forced to give up driving, he grabbed his keys and headed into town. Thanks to Caleb and to the copy of the deed he still held in his safe, he knew just where the house was located. Plus, he’d driven by it from time to time while it was being built, always when he knew Amanda wasn’t anywhere around. He’d wanted to be sure they weren’t taking any shortcuts on the construction. He probably knew the layout of the place as well as she did.
When he turned the corner onto her block, he spotted Caleb’s car out front. He cruised to a stop and sat staring at it. He wasn’t entirely sure how he felt about those two being close. Nothing in his conversations with Caleb had suggested there was anything inappropriate going on, but Max worried about Amanda being hurt again. Folks in Charleston loved to talk, and nothing would stir up a scandal like the notion of a minister having himself a fling with a member of his congregation. Maybe he needed to warn Caleb about that. Not that Amanda would appreciate him meddling in her life yet again. But no matter what a mess he’d made of things with her and Bobby, no matter how deep the hard feelings ran on both sides, he’d never stopped worrying about her. Not for a minute.
In the meantime, though, if he pulled up just a little ways down the block, he might be able to get a clear view of what was going on inside that house. He parked by the curb across the street and watched. Amanda came into view and his heart lurched. She looked more and more like her mama every day. Margaret had been a beauty with her cloud of dark hair and wide smile. Amanda had the same hair, the same sparkle in her eyes, the same lithe figure. Looking at her as she picked up toys, he was overcome by a wave of nostalgia that almost made him gasp. He couldn’t even say for sure what he was missing most—his beloved wife or his daughter. He just knew it was painful to sit here so close with someone he loved beyond his reach.
Fumbling with the ignition, he finally restarted the car and pulled away from the curb. He needed to get home, back to the familiarity of his own life. Coming here had been a mistake.
He went to the end of the block and turned, drove a few more blocks and turned again, his mind on Amanda and on Margaret, confusing them a little as the images came and went.
He turned onto another road and looked around. Nothing looked familiar. He’d lived in Charleston all his life and he didn’t recognize any of this. Shaking, he pulled to the side of the road and cut the engine. With all those turns, if he’d done them right, he should have been back out on Meeting Street. He could have gotten home from there. Instead, he seemed to be in a strange part of town.
“Come on, old man, think!” he muttered aloud, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t figure out where he was or how to get home.
He reached into his pocket for his cell phone. He’d seen no need for it when he’d gotten the stupid thing, but Caleb had insisted. He’d even programmed his own cell phone number on speed dial. Scared and filled with uncertainty and impotent rage, Max pushed the button and waited.
“Hello?” Caleb said, his voice filled with worry.
“It’s Max.”
“I know,” he said. “Where are you? Is something wrong?”
“I’m not sure.”
“Not sure about what?”
“Where I am,” Max said, hating the admission of weakness. “I took a drive and I can’t seem to find my way back home.”
“It’s okay,” Caleb soothed. “Where did you set out to go?”
“I drove by Amanda’s and I saw your car. I remember that much. Then I took a couple of turns and nothing looked familiar.”
“Are you parked now?”
“Yes.”
“Stay put then. It’s okay, Max. I’ll find you.”
“Don’t tell Amanda, okay?”
Caleb hesitated a moment too long.
Max swore. “Don’t tell her, Caleb. I mean it.”
“We’ll talk about it later. Right now, just sit tight and wait for me.”
“Since I have no idea where to go, I imagine I’ll be right here when you turn up,” Max retorted.
He snapped the cell phone closed, then rested his head against the back of the seat. Once again the images of Margaret came to him. This time he knew for sure that’s who it was, because he felt strangely comforted. In fact, it had been a long time since he’d felt so at peace.
12
“What was that about?” Amanda asked, studying Caleb curiously. The call had obviously upset him. He looked anxious and distracted.
“An emergency,” he responded vaguely. “I have to go.”
“Is there anything I can do?” she asked at once.
Caleb gave her a considering look, then finally shook his head. “No, I need to handle it, but thanks. I’m sorry I can’t stay for dinner. Will you explain to the kids? Tell them I’ll make it up to them soon.”
“Of course.”
She walked him to the door, thinking once more about what his life must be like, how many times it was disrupted by someone in need of comfort. Only a truly selfless person could spend so much time and energy on others and so little time on his own needs. It made her appreciate the time he spent with them all the more.
Of course, just because she admired Caleb’s kindness and dedication, it didn’t mean she wasn’t just as furious with him now as she’d been earlier. One of those people he’d been comforting behind her back was her father.
“I won’t forget that you and I need to have a talk,” she said to him as he stepped outside.
He gave her a rueful smile. “Never doubted it for a minute. I wouldn’t leave if this weren’t really important. I hope you believe that.”
“Of course I do. I never thought you were a coward, Caleb.”
“Just a traitor,” he murmured.
Amanda shrugged. “If the shoe fits…”
To her surprise he looked even more uncomfortable than she would have expected. Understanding suddenly dawned.
“Caleb, does this emergency have something to do with my father?” she asked.
He carefully avoided her gaze. “I can’t get into it now,” he said, brushing a distracted kiss across her cheek. “I’ll be in touch.”
“It does, doesn’t it?” she called after him. “Damn it, Caleb, what are you keeping from me now?”
“Later,” he said, and fled, leaving her to wonder if it would always be this way between them.
If there was a choice to be made, would Caleb always choose her father over her? Would he always regard her with disappointment for refusing to reconcile with the man who’d hurt her so deeply, while he…what? Gave her father a pass for his bad behavior? It hurt to think how much her father was capable of damaging her relationship with yet another man.
If Caleb were pressed to make a choice, at this point Amanda wasn’t entirely sure where his loyalties would lie, and that hurt more than she could bear. Something told her, though, that the day was quickly coming when she would find out.
Amanda spent the whole night tossing and turnin
g, wondering where Caleb had gone, whether it was, indeed, her father who’d had some sort of emergency. Surely if it was and it had been anything serious, Caleb would have told her. He wouldn’t have deliberately kept her in the dark, even if he’d been sure that she would claim lack of interest.
She recalled the question Nadine had pressed her to answer. How would she feel if her father was ill? Or if he’d been in an accident? She tried to imagine the strong, vital man she’d known getting old, getting frail. She couldn’t. Big Max was indomitable. He’d probably outlive them all out of pure cussedness.
But what if he didn’t? How would she feel if she never had the chance to say goodbye? She didn’t know. She honestly didn’t know. But if that were true, why was there this ache in the region of her heart?
She was driving the kids to school in the morning, when she saw her father’s car parked haphazardly a few blocks from the house. There was no mistaking it. Not only had he driven that same model of car for years in the exact same color, but the vanity BIG MAX license plate was a dead giveaway.
Why on earth was it parked here, though? Her father had no reason to be in this part of town. Puzzled, she toyed with the possibilities as she dropped the kids off, until at last it came to her. Big Max had been this close to her house last night to spy on her. And Caleb had known it. Maybe the car had broken down and he’d called Caleb to rescue him. Or maybe he’d felt ill. Whatever the reason, Caleb had kept it from her. Just as she’d feared, when he’d had to make a choice, she had lost.
Filled with renewed fury, she whipped her car around and headed for the church, certain Caleb would be in his office by now. She’d hoped to run a few errands on her way to work, but this was more important. They needed to put an end to this whole secrecy thing around her father.
She’d worked up a full head of steam by the time she reached the church. Storming into Caleb’s office, she flung open the door with such force it banged against the wall. Caleb’s gaze shot up to meet hers. He sat back and regarded her evenly.
“Good morning to you, too,” he said, amusement threading through his voice.
“Don’t you dare act as if everything’s just hunky-dory, when you know perfectly well you’ve been up to your eyeballs in keeping my father’s secrets again.”
“Have I really?”
He sounded so blasted calm, she wanted to hurl something at him. She didn’t understand it. Caleb had always inspired serenity in her, at least until lately.
“What was my father doing in my neighborhood last night?” she demanded. “Was he there to spy on me?”
Caleb looked vaguely surprised and just a little alarmed by her question.
“What makes you think he was? Or that I know anything about it?”
“Let me count the ways,” she responded tartly. “You get a call from someone and the call obviously upsets you. You refuse to tell me a single thing about it. The pattern seems amazingly familiar, doesn’t it?”
“That doesn’t mean it had anything to do with your father.”
“Oh, wait,” she said as if it had just occurred to her. “Did I forget to mention that I found his car not five blocks from my house?”
Caleb winced at that. “You’re sure?”
“Vanity plates,” she said succinctly. “Now, give it up, Caleb. What the hell is going on?” Even as the profanity crossed her lips, she gazed heavenward and murmured, “Forgive me.”
“I can’t talk about it,” he said.
“Can’t or won’t?”
“Same thing. I made a promise to your father.”
“And what about the promises you’ve made to me? Or to the kids? What about all the apologies for betraying me once before? Yet here you are doing it again.”
“Last night wasn’t about you, Amanda,” he said reasonably. “I had a call and I did what I had to do. It hardly matters whether it was your father or another parishioner.”
“It does to me. Why won’t you just tell me if that call was from my father and what it was about?”
He leveled a gaze directly into her eyes. “Would you want me telling him your business?”
She faltered at that.
He nodded. “I didn’t think so.”
She sank into the chair opposite him. “This can’t keep happening,” she said softly. She raised her gaze to meet his. “I thought something special was happening between us, Caleb.”
“So did I,” he said, then added with a touch of defiance, “It is happening.”
She shook her head. “No, it will never happen, not with my father in the middle of it. He destroyed my relationship with one man I loved. I won’t let him do it again.”
“He can only mess up things between us if we let him,” Caleb argued.
“You’re right,” she said, feeling defeated. “I guess I’m letting him, because I can’t do this anymore. Please stay away, Caleb. You’ve done more for me than I ever had any right to expect and I’m grateful, but I can’t have you in my life if you’re going to be a constant reminder of my father. And if we’re constantly fighting over this, it will only upset the kids. It’s better to cut the ties now, make a clean break of it.”
She got the words out because she had to, but sobs clogged her throat. She rose slowly and headed for the door, unable to look back, knowing she would cry if she did. She wasn’t sure which hurt more, knowing how close she and Caleb had come to having something incredible or knowing that once again it was her father who’d ruined it for her.
Caleb watched Amanda walk out the door of his office and knew he had a choice to make. Like it or not, he was in the middle between these two, and he had to make a decision. He couldn’t be fair to both of them.
Maybe in breaking his promise to Max and telling Amanda what she needed to hear, he would be doing Big Max a favor in the end. After last night’s incident, Caleb had accepted that the secret couldn’t be kept much longer, anyway. The timetable was moving up and the decision was going to be unilateral. Max would just have to deal with it.
“Amanda, wait,” he called after her urgently. “Please, don’t go.”
She turned back slowly and he saw the tears spilling down her cheeks. “Oh, God, please don’t cry,” he whispered, going to her and pulling her into his arms. She held herself stiffly. “Come on now, don’t cry,” he soothed. “This will all sort itself out.”
“I don’t see how,” she said, finally relaxing in his embrace.
Caleb made peace with his decision. He could only pray he was making it for the right reasons.
“Can you take the day off?” he asked.
She regarded him with surprise. “What?”
He grinned at her scandalized expression. “You know, play hooky with me. Can you do it?”
“Are you crazy?” she asked incredulously. “That would be totally irresponsible.”
“I doubt the world will grind to a halt if you and I bow out and take some time for ourselves,” he said wryly. “It’s important, Amanda, or I wouldn’t ask. Come on, let’s be impulsive and do something crazy for once. We’re both way too set in our ways.”
She studied him as if he were spouting blasphemy, then slowly nodded. “You’re right,” she said at last. “I haven’t done one single thing just for the fun of it for ages now.” She eyed him with suddenly sparkling eyes. “What are we going to do?”
“We’re going to pick up a picnic and take a drive,” he said. “There’s cold weather predicted for the weekend and this might be our last chance for a while.”
“I could make sandwiches,” she offered.
“No, you could not,” he said. “We’re having a holiday. That means no work for either one of us. You call your boss and I’ll call Mirabella’s and ask her if she can pack a picnic basket for us. Bread, cheese, wine and whatever decadent dessert she can come up with. How does that sound?”
“Romantic,” Amanda admitted.
He grinned. “Good, then I got it right. Make that call to the boutique.”
H
e ducked out of his office to place the call to the restaurant while Amanda used his phone. When he came back in, she was standing there with a bemused expression.
“What?” he inquired.
“Joanna told me it was about time I did something impetuous,” she said with a note of wonder in her voice. “I thought she’d be annoyed.”
He laughed. “See, even your boss thinks you’re too stodgy. Come on, let’s get out of here, before somebody catches up with us.” He made a dramatic production of removing his cell phone and leaving it on his desk.
Once they were on the road, Caleb stopped by the restaurant and picked up the picnic, then headed out of town.
“Where are we going?” Amanda asked, though she didn’t seem to care enough to open her eyes and look around. She seemed content to rest her head against the seat while he drove wherever he wanted.
“Isle of Palms,” he said. “I think we both need a real change.”
She smiled. “I haven’t been to the beach in ages. This’ll be fun.”
Caleb doubted she would feel that way if she knew what he was about to divulge to her, but he let her have this moment of anticipation. In fact, he did his best to keep things light while they walked barefoot along the cool sand, letting the waves chase them. When they tired of walking, they ate at a picnic table just beyond the dunes, the sound of the ocean their background music. The air was mild for early December and filled with a salty tang.
“This is heaven,” Amanda said contentedly as she sipped the last of her wine, her eyes closed, her face turned up to the sun. “I haven’t had a totally carefree day like this in a long time. Thanks for insisting we do this, Caleb. You always seem to know what I need, sometimes even before I recognize it myself.”
“You weren’t being so complimentary earlier,” he reminded her lightly.
She winced. “Maybe I overreacted. I have a tendency to do that when I’m feeling out of control of my life. And any mention of my father always pushes my buttons.”
“To be honest, you didn’t overreact,” Caleb admitted. “I’m afraid you got it exactly right. There are more things I’ve been keeping from you. I was doing it because your father insisted on it, but I think you need to know. The time for lies, half truths and omissions is over.”
Waking Up in Charleston Page 16